AIBU or is DD5 weird?

[themerrywifeofwindsor]

I feel so bad even thinking this as of course I love her to bits just how she is, but I'm starting to think that DD5 is just a bit weird and socially awkward and I'm worried for her.

At the school gates this morning, she sees some girls who she's friends with, and instead of approaching and saying hello, she jumps up right in their faces and makes weird noises at them. Even at the age of 5, they make this face as if to say 'errrr....weirdo'. And she does things to get their attention, like a funny walk. It's so embarrassing!! And I don't want to be embarrassed by my DD.

I took her to one side and bent down to talk to her and gently said "sweetie, why don't you just go up and say hello instead of jumping around and making noises at people". She just carried on with what she was doing. I don't want the other kids to think she's weird and not want to play with her! I don't see anyone else acting that way at the school gates. How can I get her to understand and act in a way that's a bit more socially appropriate?

YES - YABU, this is normal 5 year old behaviour and you can't expect social graces at this age

NO - this sounds odd and I'd be embarrassed

I don’t think you sound vile. I think you sound like a mother who wants to help her daughter fit in socially and there’s nothing wrong with that. And it must have been embarrassing and painful to see other children (and their parents) react to her behaviour like that.

As others have said, I reckon the main thing to do is to discourage her from getting right up in people’s faces - very few 5 year olds understand personal space but you can start gently introducing the idea (which it sounds like you did). I don’t see it as potentially damaging any more than teaching a child about about table manners, saying please and thank you, or any other aspect of politeness.

I think, since her friends are reacting badly to her behaviour, then it's a very good idea to teach her to notice that.

If they were joining in, then no issue! It's not outside the realms of normal 5yo behaviour, but she needs to learn when it's ok to do it, and when it's not.

seriously, did nobody read the thread about "dancing girl" and "karate kid"?

This strikes me as similar, although the children are much younger. One child is living their best life but getting up in other children's faces, who don't like it. How long will it be before the making faces turns into "get away" and maybe also shoving? That wouldn't be a good outcome for anyone,

better to teach children, as pp have said, to be aware of the reactions of people around them, and to adjust their behaviour accordingly. That isn't curbing her exuberance, it is saying, perhaps, do the jumping a bit further away. That's not stamping on individuality, it is teaching people how to coexist with others.

My nearly 4 year old does this too. Mostly with his baby brother but a bit with other kids. He looms right into their faces, juts out his jaw, often makes repeated sounds (e.g. eeh eeh eeh or similar).

I asked the GP's opinion and he agreed it was unusual but also felt he seemed neurotypical in general. There's another thread on here from 2011 that describes similar things and several posters on there said their kids had grown out of it. But of course I guess some kids don't and maybe they will be on the autistic spectrum or in some other way be a bit different, which is fine too of course.

I've never been sure if and how to respond to it, and neither the GP or speech therapist (he also had a stammer though it seems to have gone) had any advice. Now he's got better understanding we usually just ask/remind him to move back and not get in his brother's face, explaining that people like to have personal space and that it's good to communicate with words rather than noises if you can. I'm not sure if it has lessened the behaviour or not, but it feels better to try and help him move towards more successful social interactions if possible.

Like you I have seen other children recoil, and it's hard to see your child get a response like that. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to help them learn social rules such as personal space - we teach them all the other social rules (i.e. sharing, not interrupting, using the toilet, etc etc) so I can't see how this is different. Maybe some kids just take more help on this one, while other kids have different challenges to overcome.

My own theory on it, if you're interested, is that it's an instinctive non-verbal response to a rush of feeling, like enthusiasm or liking or annoyance. And I think probably as our kids become more verbal as they grow up, they will tend to use words and smiles and other socially-learned responses rather than this one.

My other theory is that for my kid it is related to his on-off stammer, as in both are caused by/related to a tendency to hold tension in the face and upper body. Stammers are said to be neurological rather than psychological, and I feel that my son's looming in and jutting jaw have the same 'feel' as a stammer, as it seems quite automatic and unchosen. But that doesn't mean it can't be unlearned - with stammers the therapist said that's done by avoiding all stammering triggers for a while (I'm simplifying but I think that's basically it) so that the neural pathways that instruct the upper body to hold tension get weakened, while the pathways for fluent speech become stronger. So I feel that by reminding him gently to move away I can gently nudge him towards other responses and strengthen the neural pathways for those.

Sorry for the long reply but it's useful to hear of other people's experiences of this, so thanks for posting. It seems fairly unusual and I've felt a bit alone with it in how best to support my son - whether to try to move him on from it or just let him be. I think whatever happens with it - whether they grow out of it or not - is fine, but of course we are curious about their quirks and keen to help them interact in ways that work out for them. I'd be interested to stay in touch if you like 🙂

@Justcallmebebes

I think it's pretty normal. My granddaughter is 6 and is just outgrowing her "being a horse" phase. She would whinny, neigh and snort at people and often all 3 whilst pawing the ground 🤣🤣

I remember one of my school friends doing exact same things—- think we’d have been 6 as well.

OP, your little girl is 5, that’s barely out of babyhood. Let her be, she’ll find her own level.

I think it’s normal! I remember being 8 years old and meowing and rubbing my face on my mother’s arm like a kitten 😳. So so so cringy now and I honestly wish she gently said something to me! But I was very immature, even at 8. So I think for an immature 5 year old this is ‘normal’ albeit kind of embarrassing!

If it makes you feel any better, I went through a phase at around that age of insisting on being called 'Captain Cook' (as in the massive colonialist knobhead 'discoverer' of Australia), wore my coat around my shoulders like a Naval cape/greatcoat and walked around with one hand over my eye like an eyepatch (curious crossover between adventurers and pirates).

I'm now 42 and manage to be pretend to what would be considered a reasonably socially 'normal' adult female (I still really like ships, though).

She is a child acting childish.

And I do get it, I’ve caught myself thinking “don’t be so childish” when my kids are literally being free and silly and just acting like children.