AIBU or is DD5 weird?

[themerrywifeofwindsor]

I feel so bad even thinking this as of course I love her to bits just how she is, but I'm starting to think that DD5 is just a bit weird and socially awkward and I'm worried for her.

At the school gates this morning, she sees some girls who she's friends with, and instead of approaching and saying hello, she jumps up right in their faces and makes weird noises at them. Even at the age of 5, they make this face as if to say 'errrr....weirdo'. And she does things to get their attention, like a funny walk. It's so embarrassing!! And I don't want to be embarrassed by my DD.

I took her to one side and bent down to talk to her and gently said "sweetie, why don't you just go up and say hello instead of jumping around and making noises at people". She just carried on with what she was doing. I don't want the other kids to think she's weird and not want to play with her! I don't see anyone else acting that way at the school gates. How can I get her to understand and act in a way that's a bit more socially appropriate?

YES - YABU, this is normal 5 year old behaviour and you can't expect social graces at this age

NO - this sounds odd and I'd be embarrassed

I would suggest you start with not using the word weirdo like it's a term of endearment. It's not...its unkind and rarely used in a nice way. My 5yr old DD can be like this really silly and in your face and sometimes she can be fine. My eldest who is autistic was never like that as he was painfully shy and introverted. But it's a spectrum so some people who are autistic may present that way and some not. I would say at 5 it isnt concerning at all.

@Yarboosucks

You have a lively child who feels free to be herself. She has years ahead to feel repressed and bound by social convention. Enjoy her carefree antics.

Exactly she’s got decades ahead of her to be ground down by society. Let her be free and happy whilst she can

@Dontstepinthecowpat

Wow this thread is an eye opener ‘normal’ ‘a bit special’. I have 3 neuro typical DC and one neuro diverse. How saddening to think that people would describe her as ‘a bit special’ in 2021.

I’d never be ashamed of my DC behaviour unless they were horrible bullies or ignorant small minded people. I remember my mum telling me how to behave and act and my face still flushes with shame at some of the dressing downs I got.

My DS17 is autistic and I have always noticed that he acts differently socially to other children. He's fantastic though, and I am so proud of him. He is so interesting, and funny, and engaged in everything and when he's with people he can be himself with (closest family and friends) he's so engaging. He is never, ever boring or judgemental or unkind. I also find that there is so much strange judgement of autistic people on mumsnet, it is so often linked with rudeness, bad behaviour and selfishness. I hate that, and find it so untrue. I love my son just as he is and I am so proud of him. In some ways he finds life much harder than other children, and has huge obstacles to overcome, in other ways he has skills and traits that many neurotypical people don't have. If your child is autistic then embrace her wonderfulness.

My DC and friends who are considerably older than 5 can spend 15 minutes on the facetime miaowing at each other. Another friend quite often thinks they are a goat and gently headbutts people on the arm.
Despite these quirks they're nice (NT) kids and I take all these behaviours as just how they express themselves as pre-teens.

the other girls were uncomfortable with it so she should stop doing it (this reminds me of the dancing DD from the other day). People, even small children, have the right not to have other people invading their personal space like that.

Sorry, OP. She'll be fine though if you just keep reminding her kindly

First I think you handled it well, I'd be lying if I said I was never embarrassed by my kids.

I second what PP have said about teaching her to read other people's reactions, because that is an important life skill.

Lastly, I think it is normal behaviour as my DD6 does this with her friends and they think she is fucking hilarious and do it back, I don't get it.

@anneblythe absolutely. I’m just sad to see other people use comments like this.

All my DC are individual and I love each of their personalities (although I could sometimes put the 4 year old in a cupboard for some peace and quiet )

My DD is so absolutely caring and wonderful, I would hate her to think she ever had to change to ‘fit in’. She’s going far with her attitude to life.

She may have some acting talent, and go on the stage later, doing comedic things in panto, and other funny shows. She is just expressing herself as a fun person, not weird at all !

Please don’t call her a weirdo (or anyone). She’s 5, she’s still working out what is socially right and wrong, it takes longer for some kids to work out how to approach people and to learn about personal space. And there’s nothing wrong with being a bit different or a bit quirky.

I hate when my kids get called “weird”, they both have ASD, they are not weirdos, they just do things differently and see things differently. It took quite a while to teach dd1 about personal space, we taught her to “keep friends at elbows length and keep strangers at arms length”, she’s 17 now and still remembers it 🤣.

Sounds normal to me. My 5yo likes torush up to classmates, foist a hug on them and declare them ‘my best friend’ before running off to the next person. She will regularly yell their full names in the street to get their attention and I know she thinks nothing of doing silly faces/walks to get a laugh - she sees it as cheering them up which seems sweet even if I do want her, longer term, not to feel responsible for their happiness or to engage in self ridicule to any extreme.

This is horrible to read. Me and my kids are autistic. Your reaction to a little girl who has some atypical behaviours, calling her weird and saying it's embarrassing, is the reason that neurodivergent kids and adults have such a hard time in society. Grow up and support your child properly, stop calling her weirdo and laughing at her 'hilarious' quirkiness while saying she embarrasses you.

I would say that’s just her personality type, she will find her people. Dramatic, in your face, loud. Maybe she’ll enjoy drama or dance classes? My stepdaughter is like that still and she’s 15! Full off energy and sass and noise.

If she's invading the other children's personal space in an irritating way, I might possibly address that, privately. Explain that people don't like that and why.

But making silly noises, funny walking, etc.? That's normal. Unless she's doing it an a vastly inappropriate time, I'd ignore it.

For me, the thing that immediately jumped out from the OP is this:

And she does things to get their attention, like a funny walk. It's so embarrassing!! And I don't want to be embarrassed by my DD.

How sad for your little one that you are concerned about 'being embarrassed by' her. Except it's not 'by her' (she's 5!), it's 'embarrassed about her' being funny. (And yes, maybe also a little bit eccentric or as yet lacking in social graces, nothing wrong with either of those things right now and nothing wrong with being a bit eccentric ever.) But seriously, you are embarrassed when a five year old does a funny walk towards other 5 year olds?

This does not bode well for her future development and mental health.

@girlmom21

She's a 5 year old girl. She's not embarrassed. Embrace who she is.

Of course her mum will embrace who she is but the concern seems to be that she’s not picking up social cues from her peers and risks alienating them. DS would have been happy to have someone greet him with funny walks etc at that age while DD would have avoided anyone who did that for the rest of the school year!

My 5 year old is like this. Instead of a simple hello he can sometimes roar etc at his friends. Some kids love it and join in others look at him like he has 2 heads. He’s always singing, dancing and being the centre of attention, I have found it hard at times but I’m trying to embrace it but that’s because I’m an introvert and hate the attention but that’s my problem not his. He has one particular cousin who’s the same age who is really horrible to my boy honestly if looks could kill he just doesn’t get my son I try to avoid as much as possible as don’t need that negativity in my Ds’s life.

I don't think you're unreasonable to worry, you want her to get on! I was worried about my son when I saw him in an after school class and how he behaved with/ around the other children. I love the bones of him but it's also my job to help him navigate the world, don't worry though 5 is so little x

@Hoppinggreen she's not embracing who she is. She has said she's embarrassed by her own child.

This reminds me of my eldest who is now 13. At the time we put everything down to immaturity etc but they are now being assessed for ADHD and autism, something which is often diagnosed late in high functioning children.

If I could go back, I would have asked for diagnosis earlier as when they began to realise they didn't fit in it turned to quite a few MH problems.

To stress, I'm in no way saying our children are the same, but if someone had advised me at the time to just check or simply keep an eye on them, and not dismiss my instincts that all was not quite right, I think it could have prevented issues later down the line.

I'm not embarrassed by my child but at times I cringe inside at the way they are treated for being different, not from shame but for the lack of understanding of other children.

@Marvellousmadness

At 5? She should know better. Id be embarrassed too if my kid did that.

“ at 5 ?? She should know better” she is literally just that,5 years old. A baby. I think it’s some of the parents here that should know better to be judging a young child’s behaviour as “ embarrassing” the behaviour is normal and something they will grow out of.

Sounds perfectly typical of most 5 year olds I know.

Pleas stop namecalling your child, she’s not a weirdo and you need to stop calling her that you’ve posted it repeatedly.

I’m 35 and sometimes when I see my friends I do a funny dance or start singing. That’s who I am, although it can be a tad embarrassing when it isn’t the person you thought it was….

She’s not a weirdo. Stop calling her that. She’s expressive and creative and a normal child.

My DD is quite different, she has been diagnosed with ASD. I see it as my job not to be embarrassed (even if it means sometimes gritting my teeth and smiling through an involuntary internal cringe), because she no more means to upset people with odd behaviour than a newborn means to upset people by crying.

It may be that socially she's a little immature, just like others might be a bit behind in maths and PE. The ways you can help are:

1. Talk through together, gently, what she wants from her friendships (not what you want her to want, iyswim), and ask how you think her friends feel when she does certain things. She's only 5, so make it quick and light - or use TV, eg my DD likes bluey, so I might see 'ooh, how do you think Bingo felt when bluey did that?'

My DD liked the phrasing of being a 'social detective' that some books use.

1. Give her some scripts - if she finds certain situations stressful or tends to act out, you can talk through them, or even play a game about it with toys. Role model things with your friends. Recognise efforts and amplify good feedback. ('wow, Maisie really smiled when you said that her art looked beautiful')

1. Keep your own eye out, and if there's a pattern, speak to the school or the GP early. Social challenges and neurodiversity is underrecognised in girls, and too many have to wait too long for support

My Ds used to do this at a similar age. I put it down to nerves and feeling anxious. He found it difficult to say hello to friends. But would happily just go to them and make bizarre noises. He grew out of it in 2 years ish so I don't have any great advice I'm sorry!! My brother still does it, always has done and he's 42, recently diagnosed with ADHD.