Confident Families

[ShrikeAttack]

My husband was wondering why me and my siblings are unusually confident. I think it was because we were exposed to lots of people from a young age. I think our parents had many and varied friends that were interested in us.

We also lived abroad for any years.

We were all very satisfied. We were all very pleased with ourselves.

Is that the polite term for those families who ruin organised events by being loud, performative and cringy?

@NataliaSerene

You know without question that your parents, both of them, love you.

I don’t think it is tbh.

My parents definitely loved us a lot but they were constantly critical, without wanting to be or meaning to be or, a lot of the time I think, realising that they were.

Yes, I think there could be a fine line between confident and arrogant.

You and your siblings sound annoying, and your DH obviously feels that the lot of you don’t have that much to be —arrogant— confident about.

@Yusanaim

Yes, I think there could be a fine line between confident and arrogant.

Again, I don’t think that there is.

I think what people think confidence looks like - loud, sometimes brash, boastful - and what confidence actually is - are hugely different.

Confidence is often very quiet, because truly confident people don’t need to inform others of their wonderful lives or outstanding beauty or amazing job prospects.

Any particular years you lived abroad?

Some people are easily pleased!

The sort of confident families who breed cocky kids who think it's absolutely fine to chat along with you as though they were another adult, asking personal questions.

They all seemed to graduate towards me when my DC were growing up.
Complete strangers too ( kids in a queue/at a park/passing by walking their Dog ) and their parents would smile indulgently and marvel at their ' confidence'

My own siblings and our children are nothing like that.
Mostly nature, but part nurture I think thank goodness

@Rhubarbraspberryandrose

I mean unconditional love. And maybe you had that but the criticism is contrary to the kind of support and acceptance I’m talking about. It’s the people whose parents thinks they are great and are always in their corner I’m talking about.

Not the only path to confidence, but would be unusual in a family to have all of the children end up with the kind of self-assurance OP describes.

I guess her DH is asking because he wants their kids to have this.

OP I am assuming English is not your first language. The way this has been phrased does not make your family’s “confidence” sound like a positive thing. This may just be an unfortunate turn of phrase but “pleased with one’s self” doesn’t come across well. It’s a euphemism for arrogance.

In my experience surface “confidence” often hides a total lack of confidence underneath. It’s also not a good thing because it alienates everyone. And makes the day business of life much more complicated.

Really confident people don’t need to shout about their confidence.

@NataliaSerene

You know without question that your parents, both of them, love you.

I know my parents both love me unconditionally but I'm shy and not very confidant. Out of all my siblings only my eldest brother is really confident Just one of those things. Does it matter that you and your family are confident?

@Gliderx

My DS seems to have an expectation of being listened to and taken account of that I never had as a child. He's quite confident for his age and seems to find it quite easy to make friends. On the other hand, he repeatedly has to be told not to interrupt when I'm talking to other adults and is not always good at considering the needs of others. But he's still very little so hoping this will improve in time.

I find it hard to draw a balance sometimes. I want to raise a child who is not scared of being seen, having preferences and taking up space, but I also want him to extend that courtesy towards others. Also, to recognise that there is a time and a place and sometimes we just have to go with the flow.

This is so tricky- I think I too have to fight the fear that if he might be ‘too confident’. Of course he is nothing of the sort- I can just hear my mother saying ‘don’t show off’! I always think though, it is far more pleasant teaching a child how to include and account for others than it is trying to teach a child to be brave and assertive and self confident when they lack those things

@Tiramiwho

The sort of confident families who breed cocky kids who think it's absolutely fine to chat along with you as though they were another adult, asking personal questions.

They all seemed to graduate towards me when my DC were growing up.
Complete strangers too ( kids in a queue/at a park/passing by walking their Dog ) and their parents would smile indulgently and marvel at their ' confidence'

My own siblings and our children are nothing like that.
Mostly nature, but part nurture I think thank goodness

Well you sound friendly.

I think our parents had many and varied friends that were interested in us

Why were your parents' friends interested in you?

What do you think makes you interesting OP? I'm curious

We were all very satisfied. We were all very pleased with ourselves.

Is this thread a piss take?

I too think loudness and attention seeking behaviour is often mistaken for confidence when there are plenty of times it is actually a disguise for lack of confidence and almost a nervous and overwhelmed reaction to a situation and not confidence at all.
I always think truly cobfident people are quietly so. Assertive when they need to be but in a firm way - not loud but not meek either. Confident people are very attractive people I think - as in they attract others to their company.

As for what makes a confident family - strong attachment as a child, ideally a strong nurturing environment - with the aim of building a resilient adult is what I think.

So what’s the AIBU?

What a bizarre thread.

Cool story

When my dc were young there was a very confident family who we used to bump into at the local park. They were very pleased with themselves and felt they needed to show everyone else how it was done. I used to take notes on what they were doing so that I would never, ever replicate them in fear of becoming like them. I still have painful flashbacks of them performing a family ensemble of a very loud rendition of The Wheels on the Bus, commanding everyone else to watch and follow along

Weird.

Did ye aye

One of my sons is very confident and one is very shy and has quite a low self esteem. They’ve been brought up exactly the same. I’d say that the confident one takes very much after me and the anxious one takes very much after my husband - so nature rather than nurture.

Confidence where its warranted, humility where its not. Its no good being pleased with yourself if you're the only one who is. As they say, self praise is no recommendation.

I too wonder whether the OP has a language issue - and whether by “pleased with ourselves” she means more “comfortable in our own skin” or something like that?

clutches at straws