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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

School gate mum

95 replies

CautiousOptimist11 · 11/11/2021 21:06

My 5 year old DC goes to a small school. Started in Sep. Very close knit community in the school, and definite cliques from the cohort that started just before my DC.

Now I am not for playground politics but something is really bugging me and I want to let it go. One of the other mums, who I have never had the chance to speak to, seems to have taken a dislike to me. She had done a couple of things that - to someone that notices everything despite being non chalant on the outside - were brusque or rude. Immediately after each interaction with me, she was effusive with another, mum who is not a newbie. It just pisses me off that she barely manages to rearrange her face into a 0.5 second smile when I try to say hello in passing - you can tell she didn't want to- yet is all sweetness and light with her friend behind me. In the whatsapp group she was really short with me then in the very next message, using loads of kisses to someone else. It made me feel a bit embarrassed to be honest.

If we had spoken even once I'd think, fine, she doesn't like me. Can't get on with everyone. But she seems to have taken a dislike to me from afar and I can't get past that! What is wrong with some people? There's a Christmas meetup soon and I am considering whether to go and force myself to strike up friendly conversation with her.... see what happens.

Why are some people such knobs though. I honestly try to be pleasant to everyone. Actually I dont try, it just happens. Not necessarily striking up big conversations or friendships, I value my own space too... but just a quick hello or a warm smile in passing. I do it, is it that hard for others? (Obviously knowing there are times when we all are distracted or have "off" days I get that). Or more to the point in in her case, how is it possible to dislike someone from afar??

OP posts:
usernamenumber636274 · 11/11/2021 21:08

Honestly, this is why I keep myself to myself. No need to get overly involved. I say hello to some of the moms but certainly not going to be meeting up with them. Too much drama 😅

HaroldSteptoesHorse · 11/11/2021 21:15

Why are you letting how another person react (or not) to you piss you off. You’re not responsible for their feelings towards you. Would you really want this person as a friend?

TotallySuper · 11/11/2021 21:17

I usually force myself on people like this - conversationally speaking! And see what happens. I've turned many people into friends with this method. Go to the Christmas meet and try and have a good chat with her. At some point if you're feeling brave say to her "sometimes I feel I've upset you in some way - did I do anything?"

TotallySuper · 11/11/2021 21:18

OP when I've had this before eventually she said "I'm sorry you just look so much like my ex sister in law who hated me and killed my marriage I think I'm taking it out in you subconsciously". We're still friends now.

TheSpottedZebra · 11/11/2021 21:19

I don't get it. It sounds like she's just being friendly to her friend that she knows well, and you're annoyed that she's not as friendly to you?

She's not your friend. Don't let it bother you.

Thepennysjustdropped · 11/11/2021 21:22

Could she just be shy, and only comfortable around people she knows? It's hard to say. I would go to the Christmas do and force her to speak to me!

DeepaBeesKit · 11/11/2021 21:23

I don't get it. It sounds like she's just being friendly to her friend that she knows well, and you're annoyed that she's not as friendly to you?

This.

Also, do you have BRF at all? Cos there's a mum of a kid in my DC class who has major BRF. I known her a while and know she is actually fine, but new mums have basically been a bit deterred by it.

3scape · 11/11/2021 21:26

Desperate to be liked by those she deems useful to her, not smart enough to be passingly civil with someone who she knows nothing about.
She's hardly friends with the person if she's interacting with them over a group ap

CautiousOptimist11 · 11/11/2021 21:29

Interesting responses, thank you.

@DeepaBeesKit - what is BRF?

OP posts:
DreamerSeven · 11/11/2021 21:33

I mean this kindly but why does it matter to you if she likes you or not? You can’t like everyone and not everyone is going to like you. Find the school mums who you connect with and concentrate on those friendships, I think you’re massively overthinking this.

Whataday21 · 11/11/2021 21:35

Don't try harder. Stop trying at all.

GinAndTopic · 11/11/2021 21:37

"Desperate to be liked by those she deems useful to her, not smart enough to be passingly civil with someone who she knows nothing about.
She's hardly friends with the person if she's interacting with them over a group ap"
Agree, this most likely. I wouldn't try to force anything from her, keep smiling but concentrate your energy on those that are passingly pleasant 🙂

Angrymum22 · 11/11/2021 21:37

I think she means RBF - resting bitch face.

CautiousOptimist11 · 11/11/2021 21:38

Ok I get your points but currently I'm not "trying" at all. Just getting vague sense of shittinness me, from someone I have never spoken to. Just don't get that way of being

OP posts:
CautiousOptimist11 · 11/11/2021 21:38

Hah RBF, thanks for clarifying!

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 11/11/2021 21:40

If I was you, I wouldn’t bother trying to smile or say hi to her. Just ignore her.

DeepaBeesKit · 11/11/2021 21:42

Round my parts its Bitchy Resting Face but yeah, that.

JumperandJacket · 11/11/2021 21:42

She’s being friendlier to her friend than to you, whom she doesn’t know. Not something to be bothered about.

DeepaBeesKit · 11/11/2021 21:43

The other thing - are you scarily loaded? That can also keep people at arms length a bit.

TLKlover · 11/11/2021 21:44

I'm intrigued what does BRF mean?

Unfortunately I had this experience in one of my daughters years (openly ignored, conversation stopped if I came near). I always smiled and acknowledged them. My husband (who they always spoke to) thought I was being over sensitive until he saw it happen.

I eventually let it drift over me & thought it's not my fault you have an issue with me & picked my daughter & disappeared within minutes.

Unfortunately people can be odd. Don't overthink it. It doesn't hurt to smile & be pleasant, if you do decide to go out at Xmas but if they still continue to be the way they are, it's a reflection on them not you.

Ionlydomassiveones · 11/11/2021 21:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Kitkat151 · 11/11/2021 21:44

@Iloveacurry

If I was you, I wouldn’t bother trying to smile or say hi to her. Just ignore her.
This I was never into all that school gate Mums shit when I was in my 20s with my own kids and now I’m in my 50s I like it even less....I never let on to anyone when I pick my GC up from school.
TLKlover · 11/11/2021 21:47

Haha X posted. Resting Bitch Face...haha. I wasn't aware of this but my concentration face is RBF, maybe I put them off haha. Good Luck OP & def don't overthink it. I'm sure you have many others who know you are brilliant & fantastic company Smile

Hoesbeforebroes · 11/11/2021 21:48

I had a similar experience at a sports club my kids were a part of. There was a group of mums who'd obviously known each other awhile and were very close. They would completely blank anyone else. You could make eye contact, say hi, they would just completely ignore. There was a Queen Bee who seemed to set the scene and the others felt safe to follow, I guess.

As the years went on there'd be times they'd have to speak to me as I was organising something etc, and they'd be friendly and normal. Then, back to blanking me the next day. I've never seen rudeness like it.

You just have to laugh at these types, OP, and not let them get to you. I'm sure she'll be all over you when she wants something.

Grida · 11/11/2021 21:50

Are you sure she doesn’t like you? I have had a few people accuse me of not liking them/having a problem with them. On all occasions it has been completely in the other person’s head. A friend of mine actually had someone make a formal complaint about her at work. They said that she clearly had a problem with them and was discriminating against them. She had to get someone to point out who the person was as she couldn’t even remember meeting her.

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