School gate mum

[CautiousOptimist11]

My 5 year old DC goes to a small school. Started in Sep. Very close knit community in the school, and definite cliques from the cohort that started just before my DC.

Now I am not for playground politics but something is really bugging me and I want to let it go. One of the other mums, who I have never had the chance to speak to, seems to have taken a dislike to me. She had done a couple of things that - to someone that notices everything despite being non chalant on the outside - were brusque or rude. Immediately after each interaction with me, she was effusive with another, mum who is not a newbie. It just pisses me off that she barely manages to rearrange her face into a 0.5 second smile when I try to say hello in passing - you can tell she didn't want to- yet is all sweetness and light with her friend behind me. In the whatsapp group she was really short with me then in the very next message, using loads of kisses to someone else. It made me feel a bit embarrassed to be honest.

If we had spoken even once I'd think, fine, she doesn't like me. Can't get on with everyone. But she seems to have taken a dislike to me from afar and I can't get past that! What is wrong with some people? There's a Christmas meetup soon and I am considering whether to go and force myself to strike up friendly conversation with her.... see what happens.

Why are some people such knobs though. I honestly try to be pleasant to everyone. Actually I dont try, it just happens. Not necessarily striking up big conversations or friendships, I value my own space too... but just a quick hello or a warm smile in passing. I do it, is it that hard for others? (Obviously knowing there are times when we all are distracted or have "off" days I get that). Or more to the point in in her case, how is it possible to dislike someone from afar??

@TotallySuper

I usually force myself on people like this - conversationally speaking! And see what happens. I've turned many people into friends with this method. Go to the Christmas meet and try and have a good chat with her. At some point if you're feeling brave say to her "sometimes I feel I've upset you in some way - did I do anything?"

Do not do this!! It may be something you’ve convinced yourself and she’s hasn’t given you a second thought in which case this will come across very weird. It sounds so needy and let’s her know she’s taking up headspace even inadvertently. OP play it cool abs give her the brush off right back. I had to train myself over many years as things like this used to massively play in my mind too but now I quite enjoy ignoring those whose deserve it…

You have to teach yourself not to give about things like this. So what if she doesn’t like you? Just laugh and move on.

Resting bitch face ? Honestly It sounds like me, I’m not sure what you think of me if we don’t know each other, but if you spoke to me I’d be friendly. Try talking to her

Hopefully the other mums are nice. Ignore it op. I found I got on better with some. Women can be cliquey

Is this Christmas meet up for the kids or the parents.

Personally I have distanced myself from the mum groups at school, not kept people as friends on fb or WhatsApp. I don’t see the point in engaging in what appears to be pointless fake friendship.

Try to forget her and place your focus on building up relationships with the people around you who are nice and you like.

I get what you mean, op. I’ve experienced this odd behaviour myself. Honestly, I just tend to ignore people like this. My dd’s year group is horrendously cliquey and this kind of thing is prevalent. Some people are just weird and a bit insecure.

@Whatinthelord

Is this Christmas meet up for the kids or the parents.

Personally I have distanced myself from the mum groups at school, not kept people as friends on fb or WhatsApp. I don’t see the point in engaging in what appears to be pointless fake friendship.

Try to forget her and place your focus on building up relationships with the people around you who are nice and you like.

This is spot on!

Very close knit community in the school, and definite cliques from the cohort that started just before my DC.

I’d guess you’ve been the subject of some “close knit community” gossip. I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

Ive been there. Neve got to the bottom of it. Changed schools. This new one is a bigger one. Exceptional school. Some mums are the same. Can spot them a mile off. But now o have a handful of mums I prefer to chat to. So maybe i come across like this too. I do make a huge effort to say hello to anyone though. Coz I know how it feels when the shoes on the other foot.

The really cliquey ones just don’t bother me anymore. They’re not the real, honest, well mannered, supportive and genuinely happy women I want to be friends with.

Chin up. Keep being you. And own you! Know your worth xx

Why is there such expectation that the school gates is the place for chat with strangers and everyone should want to engage? Would you do the same at the bus stop or on a train? What's different about a school?

At my child's school people tend to chat to the parents of their child's friends or ones that they know through their child's activities. Why the need for forced chit-chat?

I know one of these, we have been to a play date at a mutual friends house, had newborns the same age so made polite small talk. You’d think that would put you at least on eye contact/good morning terms. No, I get looked straight through or pointedly ignored in a group. I don’t think I did anything wrong, just that she tolerated me out of politeness in front of my friend and now won’t bother. It is weirdly fascinating, she can be gushy with some of the other (posh) mums - she just doesn’t seem to make any effort with people she doesn’t see the point of being friends with. I find it odd as I am quite shy but try to be cautiously friendly with everyone. She definitely gives off cool girl at school vibes. Life is too short to give headspace to people like this, she’s quite entitled to not like me and shouldn’t have to pretend she does really.

I think you are over-thinking it massively.

Friendly indifference is your best approach.

Surely she's just warmly greeting her friend, who she knows well. And being cooler with you, who she doesn't know at all. Why would she be as friendly with you as she is with her actual friend? surely a polite, cursory smile is the expectation with a virtual stranger?

I've out yabu. You sound really needy, trying too hard to get her acknowledgement. Just concentrate on the mum's who are willing to return your pleasantries and smiles.

who knows? she could be
depressed
physically unwell & not in the best of moods
like that with everyone
have an unfortunate "resting bitch" face
reminded of someone she dislikes when she sees you
thoroughly unpleasant

• or a mix of all of the above & several other possibilities continue to nod politely and ignore.her

I'm confused as to why you care? Just ignore.
I never got involved with other mums at school pick up. I was polite but kept my distance.

Are you insanely gorgeous??? Probably jealous.

Maybe she just doesn't like you? Does it matter?

I'm sorry but there's a thread like this every day about "school gate mums" and without exception are all women moaning about incredibly minor (imagined) slights by other women who don't know them and owe them nothing.

I've said this on every other thread of this sort and I'll shout it from the rootfops if I have to. You're not automatically entitled to be friends with everyone your DC go to school with. A school is not a subscription to a social life. This mum may know the other mum better than you. She may be shy. She may have been having a bad day. You can't know and you can't control it. Stop worrying about it, stop trying to please or second guess other people's reactions, get out more and stop worrying about things that don't matter.

I guarantee that the less you worry about this sort of thing, the happier you will be.

All sorts of possibilities here, as listed above.
But I’d say it’s very trivial. Who cares?

Some people just have no social skills, others are rude, others are very socially anxious (& appear aloof).

She may even need her eyes tested & can’t see you smiling at her..

This easily could be me and if it is I'm sorry.

I don't mean to be rude but I'm internally panicking inside about what to say people I don't know well (I otherwise have chronic foot in mouth syndrome) and come across as aloof until people get to know me well. I've lost count of the people who have told me that they thought I hated them until they got to know me. That's been further compounded by being bloody knackered by having small children.

There are one or two mums at the school gate who I make an extra effort with and feel more comfortable around, e.g. one who has a child with SEN who now attends different school to her other children and I know feels very judged by other parents and another who I know socially away from the school gate and did before the school gate years.

But if you didn't know those two things it would seem like I was being friendly with some people and not others.

But you said she was effusive with her friend, as I would be, whilst being a little cooler with someone I don’t know, quite naturally. I think you need to chill a little bit.

I don’t get it, what has she done exactly?

This seems to be a common theme on this forum. It's just one of those things - sometimes people take an irrational dislike.

Is this your first child? I ask because I was similarly worried about playground politics when my eldest began school. I’m now on child 3 in year 1 and honestly, I couldn’t care less. I’ve managed to make a few mum friends along the way but never been part of any cliques. I wouldn’t want to be that involved.
Please do not attempt a nice conversation with her! She hasn’t been nice to you so just leave her alone. I wouldn’t even bother smiling as she passed. I know it’s easier said than done but learn from this - water off a duck’s back as they say.