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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School gate mum

95 replies

CautiousOptimist11 · 11/11/2021 21:06

My 5 year old DC goes to a small school. Started in Sep. Very close knit community in the school, and definite cliques from the cohort that started just before my DC.

Now I am not for playground politics but something is really bugging me and I want to let it go. One of the other mums, who I have never had the chance to speak to, seems to have taken a dislike to me. She had done a couple of things that - to someone that notices everything despite being non chalant on the outside - were brusque or rude. Immediately after each interaction with me, she was effusive with another, mum who is not a newbie. It just pisses me off that she barely manages to rearrange her face into a 0.5 second smile when I try to say hello in passing - you can tell she didn't want to- yet is all sweetness and light with her friend behind me. In the whatsapp group she was really short with me then in the very next message, using loads of kisses to someone else. It made me feel a bit embarrassed to be honest.

If we had spoken even once I'd think, fine, she doesn't like me. Can't get on with everyone. But she seems to have taken a dislike to me from afar and I can't get past that! What is wrong with some people? There's a Christmas meetup soon and I am considering whether to go and force myself to strike up friendly conversation with her.... see what happens.

Why are some people such knobs though. I honestly try to be pleasant to everyone. Actually I dont try, it just happens. Not necessarily striking up big conversations or friendships, I value my own space too... but just a quick hello or a warm smile in passing. I do it, is it that hard for others? (Obviously knowing there are times when we all are distracted or have "off" days I get that). Or more to the point in in her case, how is it possible to dislike someone from afar??

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 11/11/2021 23:29

@AdoptedBumpkin

This seems to be a common theme on this forum. It's just one of those things - sometimes people take an irrational dislike.

A lot of people seem to assume that they will get an entire new friend network handed to them on a plate when their kids go to school and then take umbrage when every parent of every child in their child's class doesn't immediately invite them out for coffee and drinks.

Then failure to smile or a minor flick of an eyebrow or an offhand remark at the dreaded "school gates" get turned into proof of some giant conspiracy against the poster. I've read tons of these threads and in every single case its always compete paranoia over something which the person about whom the post was made clearly wasn't aware of.

It may sound blunt but people need to learn to make their own friends and stop relying on their kids to provide them. I don't know whether its people who haven't bothered making any new friends of their own since they left school and have lost their social skills or what but its just utterly bizarre to me that people can get that worked up about this.

BSideBaby · 11/11/2021 23:30

It really doesn't matter if a complete stranger likes you or not OP. Perhaps she's more friendly with other mums because she knows them? I'd class that as normal behaviour.

DDMAC · 11/11/2021 23:38

Oh we have several of those types round here too. One in particular really gets up my nose. Everyone waves on the road to each other here, we’re in a large village. She doesn’t want to me. My kids are in her kids class. I’ve stopped trying with her now. The one time she came running over all friendly I instinctively knew she wanted something and I was right.

Just give up it’s not you it’s her

notanothertakeaway · 11/11/2021 23:53

So many threads on here about cliquey school mums, but surely it's reasonable to walk past / say a brief hello to person A (stranger) on the way to speak to person B (a friend)?

I think some people take all this far too seriously and see insults and slights where none are intended

I suggest you work on your self esteem. I'm a lot more confident now than when I was younger. I've noticed that I'm far more relaxed about this kind of stuff

And please don't ask a near stranger if you've done something wrong / that offended them - (1) you haven't, (2) it's weird and needy, (3) you won't guilt them into socialising with you

Hankunamatata · 11/11/2021 23:59

Meh just blank her. Dont even bother making eye contact

Gardeningtipsneeded · 12/11/2021 00:01

I had this. After a bit of weird chat, pointed comments and being ignored, it became obvious she had got the idea I was sort of rough, for want of a better word. Our school has sort of two distinct areas from which it draws pupils, a council housing estate and a very leafy affluent area next to the school.

Anyway, I was walking home near her one day, being studiously ignored by her but being included by others, which was a weird dynamic, when my dog ran out towards us… I forget now what happened but he’d got out. She cooed “OMG what a GORGEOUS dog, he’s lost!” as he ran to me and I scooped him up. She was then very incredulously “is he YOUR dog?” Me: “Yup” Her: “but you live over on council estate don’t you? How did he get here?” Me: “no, this is my house” (lovely massive house next to school). Her: OMG I didn’t realise you lived HERE!!!

The next day my son had an invite to her sons party, which had very ostentatiously been given out to selected children a week earlier.

Anyway, not much advice to give….trust your instincts, steer clear and make other friends. They are there, just need to find them.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/11/2021 00:02

Just ignore her, be brave.
The others will assume you're not bothered.
It is liberating to stand without a care.
Some people are just mean or clash, ignore it.

Chelyanne · 12/11/2021 00:04

I have no intentions of being friends with any of the school mums, they remind me of high school girls tbh. I'm too old and grumpy for the drama that goes on.

1forAll74 · 12/11/2021 00:25

Why take any notice of numpties like her. There is usually one of such,in womens group things. Dont ask why,, some people are odd souls.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 12/11/2021 00:41

I get what you mean OP I had an ex colleague behave similarly towards me. She started working there a few months after me and I was polite to her i.e. saying good morning and she would just blank me. I carried on being polite trying to be the bigger person but even in front of others she would act like I wasn't there and then she slowly started escalating her behaviour but it was done so subtle I didn't feel I could say anything without coming across as petty and oversensitive so I just left it and got on with things. Eventually she went too far and I snapped back her. She was taken aback and didn't have a response for me.

After that I realised that unpleasant people are everywhere in all walks of life and if they can't be bothered to make an effort to be polite but can make the effort to be rude and unpleasant they're just arseholes and aren't worth the time, effort and head space. Ignore her OP and just go in pick up the kids and leave. Look at it this way OP its one less unpleasant arsehole you need to make effort with and in the grand scheme of things this woman has no part in your life so just don't worry about her behaviour put it to the back of your mind. Its very liberating and it annoys people like that even more when they see you give zero fucks about how they behave towards you 🤣🤣

Ronacorona · 12/11/2021 00:50

I'ld simply be pleasant & neutral without going over the top friendly. She sounds tricky, one to just park and move on with other mums who you can chat with.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 12/11/2021 01:22

@Gardeningtipsneeded Your post made me 🤣 now that's how you handle nasty, judgemental and prejudice arseholes! 👏👏

Please tell me you didn't accept that backhanded invite? That's actually really insulting she's basically saying your ds wasn't good enough to be invited when she thought you were council estate people (before anyone flames me I'm from a council estate and have experienced the snobbery myself) but now she realises you're from an affluent area suddenly your son is good enough to get an invite!

I'd have declined it and let ds have a sleepover with his real friends the affluent and council estate ones and made it as fun as possible. Snobby bitches like that need to realise that their nasty attitude and behaviour is unacceptable!

Gardeningtipsneeded · 12/11/2021 07:29

Of course he didn’t go!!! Shame as the little boy is very sweet but there’s no way I was accepting that invite.

For DSs party we are going to have a whole class party (they are still very young) at a very expensive local place, no expense spared - which is honestly half me being petty and half that it will be a really great party (have done for elder DS at same age). Of course her son will get an invite, like everyone else.

lollipoprainbow · 12/11/2021 07:30

Other school mums really irritate me to be honest all in their little cliques discussing how clever their children are. I prefer to drop/grab and run !!

Maybebaby8 · 12/11/2021 07:36

OK here goes and I'll probably get a massive backlash but, I can be THAT mum, and honestly it's because I've had my fingers burnt and now have zero interest I'm being friendly with any of the other mum's. There are maybe two mum's I would speak to but we are friends out of the playground.

I'll give a small smile but won't engage in conversation. I however am not in any form of WhatsApp groups etc.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/11/2021 07:39

@Gardeningtipsneeded you're right.
I hate exclusion picking selective DC, I think it puts far too much pressure on parents and DC if invites are dependent on parental popularity.

gogohm · 12/11/2021 07:50

Been there, small school (100 kids r-6) we were incomers into the village which meant 50% of the mums thought we were the devil incarnate because we took housing that original residents could have had, 25% were rich living in the (very posh) new development and were ladies who lunched and I didn't fit their demographic nor looked like I stepped out of a vogue fashion shoot the remaining 25% were nannies, grandparents and childminders picking up for the working parents, they were nice (as were those parents when they picked up their own kids)

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 12/11/2021 09:09

@Gardeningtipsneededd Oh I wasn't suggesting you exclude that woman's son more making a point you aren't a rude snob like she is lol sorry I should've been clearer.

Glad you didn't accept the invite thats really insulting what she did. Did she say anything when you didn't accept? And how does she behave towards you now? I have this image in my head of a young Hyacinth Bucket trying to impose on you because you're affluent and have a higher social standing than riffraff like me from the council estate 🤣🤣🤣

Gardeningtipsneeded · 12/11/2021 11:43

Very very chatty initially (this was back in May) but essentially I just did tight smiles and didn’t engage and we just ignore each other now. Funnily enough one of my mums friends went on a mums night out with and texted me after saying “x was really giving me the Spanish Inquisition about where I lived and what I did for a job and what my husband does” just had to smile.

thewhatsit · 12/11/2021 11:54

Even if she doesn’t like you .. does it really matter? She is one of 20+ parents so just pick a few you do want to small talk with at pick up.

You should go to the social if you want to. Don’t make an effort to talk to her.

sst1234 · 12/11/2021 12:11

Never understand all this friendliness and familiarity between parents at the school gates. Who cares? They are just random people. Why do grownups get so worked up about playground politics.

PeriChristmas · 12/11/2021 13:15

@TheSpottedZebra

I don't get it. It sounds like she's just being friendly to her friend that she knows well, and you're annoyed that she's not as friendly to you?

She's not your friend. Don't let it bother you.

This.

SophieKat1982 · 12/11/2021 13:43

It’s hard when you’re new to a town and eager to slot in. I’ve been there.

Wear something to the school pick up that always makes you feel really confident. Simply turn the tables with your clothes and confident attitude. Hold your head up, focus on being there with the sole purpose of a lovely reunion with your little one, think about what to chat about on the way home from school and this rude woman’s presence will quickly diminish from your mind. Just ignore her WhatsApp nonsense.

Definitely go to the meet up with the same confident and confident clothing plan. Be breezy. You’ll make a couple of good friends in time and a couple is all you need. Good luck! We’ve all encountered them!

LizzieW1969 · 12/11/2021 14:16

@SophieKat1982

It’s hard when you’re new to a town and eager to slot in. I’ve been there.

This is very good advice IMO. I was like you when DD1 first started school in that I didn’t know any of the other mums. I eventually made one good friend (her youngest DD is one of DD2’s best friends) and I got to know a couple of other mums well enough to pass the time of day. That was enough.

I think you should go to that social if you want to, don’t be put off by one rude mum. At the end of the day, she doesn’t matter.

Nat6999 · 12/11/2021 14:52

That is why I always wore my earphones when I went in the playground, too many alpha mumm bitching, I never went in until the last minute before school came out. Happiest day was the day ds left to move up to secondary.

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