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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Suspicious of this woman

77 replies

Sprinkle444 · 11/11/2021 08:16

My boyfriend is in his late 40s and had a complex marriage in his early 20s that resulted in 2 children. He ended up missing out on 11 years of them growing up due to the problems between him his ex wife.

In 2016 the the kids were late teens and came over to knock on his door. They had a relationship type thing with him from then although the 6 hours distance they didn't see much of eachother.

One of his children is still on his Facebook and calls him. The other has cut him and her mum of 2 years ago. I think she has struggled alot with her upbringing.

About 3 weeks ago I noticed a woman from the town his kids grew up in was added to his Facebook. She's been very much allover his wall and he's not mentioned her to me at all. She had his daughter on her Facebook but nobody else like his ex wife. So I'm not sure of the connection. She appears to be married and stuff but she seems very invested in my boyfriend lately. Loads of kisses and hearts.

I am just thinking he's not mentioned this woman at all to me. It's all very odd. My fears are he's messaging this woman behind my back and I'm worried there's some flirting going on. It doesn't stack up at all. She's even putting likes on his work photos now and it seems bizarre as they are just photos of holes he's dug out etc.

What do you think? Am I paranoid?

OP posts:

Nyxly · 11/11/2021 08:20

I think if he is messaging her in private, it's unlikely he would be happy with her posting all over his stuff.....that you can see.

But it is odd he hasn't mentioned her.

I would suggest just asking him outright who she is

Arabelladrinkstea · 11/11/2021 08:21

Ask him?!

DrManhattan · 11/11/2021 08:22

On the face of it you seem paranoid BUT I believe in trusting your feelings and only you will know if this could be a thing.

ShowOfHands · 11/11/2021 08:23

Have you tried speaking to him?

Original poster

Sprinkle444 · 11/11/2021 08:25

I know I've thought about asking but he has a few female friends and I don't want him to get defensive and think I'm insecure or spying on him. I just would have thought if she was a link to his daughter he would have told me his reasons. I have looked on her wall and my boyfriend has liked 2 silly meme things but no photos of her as of yet. She's liked all his photos and put 3 or 4 kisses on every comment. Hearts on alot of stuff too. I think she looks slightly older than him and her husband does too. So I have this suspicious feeling is she enjoying a sneaky flirt behind her husbands back.
I'm not sure if they message and I don't know if she knows about us. But he does always tag me in things. We are not in a relationship on Facebook though.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 11/11/2021 08:26

What do you mean by 'all over his wall'? Do you mean pressing like/love on his photos? I know a few people who press like/love on every single photo they see.

Original poster

Sprinkle444 · 11/11/2021 08:36

Yes pressing hearts. Putting comments and 3 kisses on his photos of him. Liking all his work videos. Then another woman he knows told him she is going to stay where he used to love for 2 days and this woman liked her comment. Almost as though she was hoping my boyfriend would say I'll come up and visit.
This morning she's liked work photos which he shares and banters with his work mates. Not usually anything women bother with.
My guts just telling me she's got some sort of interest in him. I just hope my boyfriend isn't hoping she can help with her daughter as the last thing his daughter would want to see is this lady all over her dad like they have come together with a plan. Just have no idea what to think.

OP posts:

ItsDinah · 11/11/2021 08:41

Just ask him who his other girlfriend is. Not worth leaving this fester.

MsSquiz · 11/11/2021 08:42

Just ask him who she is?

FetchezLaVache · 11/11/2021 08:46

I'm not sure what the kids have to do with the price of beans, but as you mentioned his relationship with them I'm going out on a limb here - I reckon that's the real problem in your mind. And I think you're right. I know there are parents who weaponize their children in a divorce (especially when a uniquely "complex" marriage comes to an end ), but not seeing your kids for ELEVEN YEARS is fucking bullshit.

I'd be throwing this one back, tbh.

FreedomFaith · 11/11/2021 08:50

@FetchezLaVache

), but not seeing your kids for ELEVEN YEARS is fucking bullshit.

I'd be throwing this one back, tbh.

Agreed. 11 years is pathetic, he isn't a father. He's more of a sperm donor. Do you really see any appeal in this man? Throw this one back and get counselling on why you think he's a good option and to feel better about yourself. He's a twat.

ShirleyPhallus · 11/11/2021 08:52

It sounds odd

But I always have questions over men who don’t see their children and describe their marriage / ex wife as terms including “complex”

Ie, he doesn’t sound like a great guy from the off

Tiramiwho · 11/11/2021 08:59

Forgive my ignorance on all things Facebook related, but when you say you are "Not in a relationship on there" does that mean his status is 'Single'?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/11/2021 09:01

Unless there was serious, serious parental alienation, not seeing your kids for 11 years is pitiful. I’ve said YANBU for your aibu. But I’d be seriously looking at the relationship.

I do know someone, who tried very hard to see his dd and she cut him off at about age 12, she’d be mid 50s now. They’ve since reconnected and she has nothing to do with her highly controlling and manipulative mother. I know two other men, who walked away from their kids as it was too hard. The former I have a lot of time for his struggles, not the latter.

SpinachIsAGatewayDrug · 11/11/2021 09:07

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck...

Nothing written suggests this guy is worth more than the 30 seconds it would take to end the relationship.

Hoppinggreen · 11/11/2021 09:11

His relationship (or lack of) with his kids is irrelevant here and to be honest sounds like his own fault.
Just ask who she is - the fact that you don’t feel you can is a problem

Cherryana · 11/11/2021 09:12

So, when I read your posts op you fill in a lot of blanks from not a lot of evidence eg

She looks older…- I think she is enjoying a sneaky flirt.

Heart on a post - it’s like she hoped he would reply I will come and see you.

In both these examples you have imprinted a lot of info without no real way of knowing.

I think though what you are expressing is your sense of unease and insecurity within the relationship, although you are misplacing it into her.

Consider why you have had such a reaction and why you don’t feel you can ask your boyfriend reasonable questions.

However, I share concerns with other posters about his past actions towards his children, which would make me seriously question if he is there sort of person I would want to be in a relationship with.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 11/11/2021 09:14

She appears to be married and stuff but she seems very invested in my boyfriend lately. Loads of kisses and hearts.

Well this is certainly a bit odd. I don't know why an adult would do this to someone unless they were family or very close friends, in which case you would already know her. Although it doesn't mean he's messaging her secretly. She could just have a big crush and be behaving inappropriately without any encouragement from him. These things happen.

user1471538283 · 11/11/2021 09:17

I think you are right to be suspicious. She is at the very least hoping for some attention from him. I would ask him flatly who she is and what she wants.

Player001 · 11/11/2021 09:20

How long have you been together? Gave you met all of his family and friends yet?

gannett · 11/11/2021 09:21

Why are you spending so much time monitoring her Facebook activity instead of communicating like an adult. "Who's that woman leaving hearts all over your Facebook" doesn't even have to be a suspicious question, it's just curiosity.

FWIW she may well be flirting but equally I have friends who go absolutely overboard with the emojis (including but not only hearts) in everything they ever post. I'm talking 8 hearts and 8 party faces to accompany a post about having a coffee.

Etinoxaurus · 11/11/2021 09:22

How long have you been dating and how old are you? 10 years and you’re in your late 30s and I suppose it’s worth trying to get to the bottom of. If you’re in your 20s or is it’s a newish relationship, meh. Why bother. Dump him already.

UltimateBugKilla · 11/11/2021 09:30

Liking a comment means she wants him to offer to pop over, thats a stretch.

I think your looking way too into it, some people are just that friendly, maybe shes lonely and lives on Facebook and does the same to everyone.

Just ask him!

Bookworm20 · 11/11/2021 09:31

How long have they been friends on FB? Are you able to tell that? As there are pictures with his DD, could it be a relative he lost touch with? Even someone from the ex wifes side but that he got along with fine when they were together, and have recently reconnected.
He isn't liking many of her pictures, so she could just be the one trying to reconnect more, but it may not be for flirtatious reasons. She could just be one of those people who literally gushes over everything everyone puts on there.

It does all seem very odd though.

As a side note, comeone not seeing their dc for 11 years is pretty bad. Giving the reason as 'complex' is just too vague of him. If he wanted to be in their lives he'd of fought tooth and nail to make that happen surely. Was he banned from seeing them? And now you say one of them has cut off from him again? Which dd is in the pictures with this woman, the one he sees or the one he doesn't?

My gut feeling is it could just be an old friend or a relative even. But then why not mention it to you.
You have 2 options really.
Ask him who she is. Its not stalkery if you've noticed a sudden flurry of activity on his page from this person.
Or check his phone or facebook messages.

How long have you been together? And have you met his dd's?

SandyY2K · 11/11/2021 09:32

Do you just generally look at his Facebook page? I wouldn't know if someone was all over my husband's wall, as I don't go looking unless I was tagged in a post.

Ask him who she is.

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