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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Suspicious of this woman

77 replies

Sprinkle444 · 11/11/2021 08:16

My boyfriend is in his late 40s and had a complex marriage in his early 20s that resulted in 2 children. He ended up missing out on 11 years of them growing up due to the problems between him his ex wife.

In 2016 the the kids were late teens and came over to knock on his door. They had a relationship type thing with him from then although the 6 hours distance they didn't see much of eachother.

One of his children is still on his Facebook and calls him. The other has cut him and her mum of 2 years ago. I think she has struggled alot with her upbringing.

About 3 weeks ago I noticed a woman from the town his kids grew up in was added to his Facebook. She's been very much allover his wall and he's not mentioned her to me at all. She had his daughter on her Facebook but nobody else like his ex wife. So I'm not sure of the connection. She appears to be married and stuff but she seems very invested in my boyfriend lately. Loads of kisses and hearts.

I am just thinking he's not mentioned this woman at all to me. It's all very odd. My fears are he's messaging this woman behind my back and I'm worried there's some flirting going on. It doesn't stack up at all. She's even putting likes on his work photos now and it seems bizarre as they are just photos of holes he's dug out etc.

What do you think? Am I paranoid?

OP posts:
Nikki037297 · 11/11/2021 09:34

Maybe he knows her from when his children were small and he was still married but like she was just a family friend to them and perhaps she has fallen out with his ex wife but friends with his daughter. I would ask him personally and say who is she and get to the bottom of it.

leafygarden42 · 11/11/2021 09:36

I have two suggestions

1 Come off Facebook

2 Dump your boyfriend

Interesting that the thread title is 'Suspicious of this woman', when really 'Suspicious of my boyfriend' would have been a lot more accurate.

ErickBroch · 11/11/2021 09:36

This is mad because you haven't asked him

chocolateicefan · 11/11/2021 09:42

@ErickBroch

This is mad because you haven't asked him
I get why OP hasn't asked him. She doesn't want to come across as suspicious. There was a woman who was on my ex husband's FB friends for years and years and I never asked him who she was. I still don't know who she is nor how they knew one another.
Babymamamama · 11/11/2021 09:42

Sorry you had me at the point his kids had to come knocking on his door. Tragic!

Skeumorph · 11/11/2021 09:44

His kids had to come knocking?

Get rid

PooWillyNameChange · 11/11/2021 09:47

From what you've said it's unlikely he's as much of a catch as you think he his.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 11/11/2021 09:48

The fact that he hadn't seen his kids in 11 years would have had me running for the hills in the first place.

This is not a good man, cheating or not.

TatianaBis · 11/11/2021 09:56

Why are you asking us not him?

I’d also be asking him why he dumped his kids for 11 years and blamed his ex-wife.

Scrap that I don’t think I’d even bother, just dump him.

Nocutenamesleft · 11/11/2021 10:03

I can’t believe 40 yr old adults are worried about each others social media.

Never thought it would happen.

Yogawankonobi · 11/11/2021 10:04

A ‘complex’ marriage and no contact with his children for 11 years until they knocked on his door would put me off.

AnEpisodeOfEastenders · 11/11/2021 10:08

Surprises me that MN posters think the father is at fault for not having access to the kids for 11 years and don't think for a moment that the mother may have had something to do with this.

Lairymary · 11/11/2021 10:08

Could she be a relative, his cousin? I can't imagine they would be that brazen if they had a "thing" going on. Some people are just ridiculously active and flaky on Facebook and like everything. He's probably wondering when your gonna mention this woman since you appear to be so paranoid. It sounds like a childish game of who is going to start an argument first. Just ask him, nothing we say is going to help.

Mockingjay100 · 11/11/2021 10:10

Are you sure she isn’t an aunt/family friend? I know a lot of older ladies who ‘love’ every single post of their nieces/nephews on Facebook and comment “lovely” on all of their photosGrin.

Surely if there was anything going on, she wouldn’t be flaunting it publicly all over Facebook.

Just ask himFlowers

TatianaBis · 11/11/2021 10:11

@AnEpisodeOfEastenders

Surprises me that MN posters think the father is at fault for not having access to the kids for 11 years and don't think for a moment that the mother may have had something to do with this.
Really? 40% of men lose contact with their children within 5 years of family breakdown. Is that all the mothers’ fault?
Mockingjay100 · 11/11/2021 10:16

Also, she may only seem ‘very invested in him lately’ as she may have only recently joined Facebook.

Constance1 · 11/11/2021 10:18

What does 'a complex marriage' actually mean? Is this some odd phrase he has come up with to explain why he was a deadbeat dad whose children had to come looking for him? Anyway your gut is obviously telling you something is up, so you should listen to it, and get rid of this loser.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 11/11/2021 10:26

What does 'a complex marriage' actually mean?

Excellent question, I was thinking the same thing. This could mean anything from "my ex wife faked a huge DV case and sneaked the kids out of the country and assumed a fake identity", all the way to "I couldn't really be bothered keeping in touch with my kids but it's easier to blame her"

Juniper68 · 11/11/2021 10:37

Get rid and find someone less complex

DrManhattan · 11/11/2021 10:43

Also just bin him. Anyone who hasn't seen their kids for that long is a total deadbeat

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 11/11/2021 10:53

He was really in a 'complex marriage'? Multiple couples married together, interchanging sex partners etc.?

KerryWeaver · 11/11/2021 10:54

What does 'a complex marriage' actually mean?

Excellent question, I was thinking the same thing. This could mean anything from "my ex wife faked a huge DV case and sneaked the kids out of the country and assumed a fake identity", all the way to "I couldn't really be bothered keeping in touch with my kids but it's easier to blame her"

Indeed. One of these scenarios is a very rare occurrence while the other is extremely common.

XelaM · 11/11/2021 10:56

Haha OP are you with my ex-husband? Grin He would be someone to describe our marriage as "complex" to explain why he has disappeared and not called or seen his daughter in years (or pif anx maintenance).

XelaM · 11/11/2021 10:57

or paid any maintenance*

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 11/11/2021 10:57

@Yogawankonobi

A ‘complex’ marriage and no contact with his children for 11 years until they knocked on his door would put me off.
Yep.