Suspicious of this woman

[Sprinkle444]

My boyfriend is in his late 40s and had a complex marriage in his early 20s that resulted in 2 children. He ended up missing out on 11 years of them growing up due to the problems between him his ex wife.

In 2016 the the kids were late teens and came over to knock on his door. They had a relationship type thing with him from then although the 6 hours distance they didn't see much of eachother.

One of his children is still on his Facebook and calls him. The other has cut him and her mum of 2 years ago. I think she has struggled alot with her upbringing.

About 3 weeks ago I noticed a woman from the town his kids grew up in was added to his Facebook. She's been very much allover his wall and he's not mentioned her to me at all. She had his daughter on her Facebook but nobody else like his ex wife. So I'm not sure of the connection. She appears to be married and stuff but she seems very invested in my boyfriend lately. Loads of kisses and hearts.

I am just thinking he's not mentioned this woman at all to me. It's all very odd. My fears are he's messaging this woman behind my back and I'm worried there's some flirting going on. It doesn't stack up at all. She's even putting likes on his work photos now and it seems bizarre as they are just photos of holes he's dug out etc.

What do you think? Am I paranoid?

I would put a few photos of you together on his wall and see what her/his reaction is.

@Yogawankonobi

A ‘complex’ marriage and no contact with his children for 11 years until they knocked on his door would put me off.

Indeed.

OP, your priorities are skewed. Three weeks of a woman you don't know posting on your boyfriend's FB vs the fact he didn't have any relationship at all with his children for over a decade?

Why was he living six hours away from them, anyway? Who moved?

@dunkery

I would put a few photos of you together on his wall and see what her/his reaction is.

Good idea. Tag him in and see if she likes it or comments. If she does, its probably just an innocent old friend or a relative.

Also it gives you a way to ask him who is this who liked your post, as you don't recognise them, are they one of his friends

Why don't you just say "I've noticed Doreen pop up on your Facebook a lot recently. You've never mentioned her before. How do you know her?"

Jesus Christ - how do people survive the serious stuff if they can't have conversations about things so bloody trivial?

@Sprinkle444

My boyfriend is in his late 40s and had a complex marriage in his early 20s that resulted in 2 children. He ended up missing out on 11 years of them growing up due to the problems between him his ex wife.

In 2016 the the kids were late teens and came over to knock on his door. They had a relationship type thing with him from then although the 6 hours distance they didn't see much of eachother.

One of his children is still on his Facebook and calls him. The other has cut him and her mum of 2 years ago. I think she has struggled alot with her upbringing.

About 3 weeks ago I noticed a woman from the town his kids grew up in was added to his Facebook. She's been very much allover his wall and he's not mentioned her to me at all. She had his daughter on her Facebook but nobody else like his ex wife. So I'm not sure of the connection. She appears to be married and stuff but she seems very invested in my boyfriend lately. Loads of kisses and hearts.

I am just thinking he's not mentioned this woman at all to me. It's all very odd. My fears are he's messaging this woman behind my back and I'm worried there's some flirting going on. It doesn't stack up at all. She's even putting likes on his work photos now and it seems bizarre as they are just photos of holes he's dug out etc.

What do you think? Am I paranoid?

Well, the woman knows his children, so presumably knows him on some level.

I'd be finding out how hard he tried for those 11 years to have his children in his life though.

Because either he didn't. Or he was prevented from doing so because his ex took him to court for some reason.

Who shrugs off not seeing their kids for over a decade as "Well, it was a complex situation, no biggie"?!

@AnEpisodeOfEastenders

Surprises me that MN posters think the father is at fault for not having access to the kids for 11 years and don't think for a moment that the mother may have had something to do with this.

That's because there are these people called judges who work in courts who these men can go to so that they can get forced contact with their children if the mother decides to be a twat and use her children as a pawn in her little games. That's not including mothers who are keeping their children away from fathers who are abusive of course.

He's had 11 years to try, and he waited for his kids to knock on his door because it was no doubt 'too difficult' and 'she'd have turned the courts against me'. In other words, he's lazy and couldn't be bothered.

@Hoppinggreen

His relationship (or lack of) with his kids is irrelevant here and to be honest sounds like his own fault. Just ask who she is - the fact that you don’t feel you can is a problem

This.

Describing the marriage as 'complex' to excuse him not seeing his kids is a bit

I like plenty of stuff on FB, it doesn't mean I want to shag the person posting it. I put a heart reaction when my friend posts a picture of her cat! The hearts and kisses might be OTT given the context, but you need to just ask him.

He's had 11 years to try, and he waited for his kids to knock on his door because it was no doubt 'too difficult' and 'she'd have turned the courts against me'. In other words, he's lazy and couldn't be bothered.

Spot on. I've heard versions of this story too many times to be anything by cynical about it.

How old is she? It could be his daughter.

Rather than "Suspicious of this woman" the title of this AIBU should be:

"My DP is a deadbeat dad and definitely not a good catch, but I still feel like I have to compete with other women for him - how can I improve my self-esteem?"

@TatianaBis

"40% of men lose contact with their children within 5 years of family breakdown."

Do you have a link for this? An amazing figure if true.

First thought she's an old friend from back then. Maybe flirted and fancied him back then or is maybe just that type of person (I randomly like photos and when younger signed everything with a kiss no matter who it was).

If it's an affair they wouldn't be that obvious obviously.

Just ask him, if some woman I never heard f posted something personal or very friendly on DH facebook Id just be like 'so is that your fancy woman?' or something lighthearted and he would respond something like 'God no that's Tina from work, she slurps coke zero and irritates everyone with pictures of her dog' or 'Nah that James girlfriend from when we were 15, she cheated on him twice and I haven't seen her since college. She just added me and a bunch of the old crew for some reason'.

Almost always easily checkable and true if I felt inclined to go varify.

I also agree only deadbeats blame mothers for stopping them seeing their kids.

I know a small handful of men who have fought hard to visit their children even with an awkward ex, they have good relationships with their kids despite the split.

Most however just say 'she took the kid away from me' and sit on their arse doing fuck all and blaming everyone else for their lack of parenting.

Even more bizarrely is half of the deadbeat ones I know happily take on the role of full-time daddy raising someone else's kids while having zero relationships with their own bio kids.

"Suspicious of this woman" is the most inaccurate title for this thread. It's not about her. It's about you having a partner that you feel unable to communicate with. He just happens to be a shit father, too. Maybe get rid of him, and you might just begin to feel better and not find it necessary to monitor this woman's Facebook activity.

There is so much wrong here; some rando liking FB photos is the least of it.

It was a U.K. study done I’d say 5-10 years ago. A French study put it at 18%.

Another from 2013 showed that of fathers who don’t live with their kids only 49% say that contact is regular (i.e. on weekends and school holidays).

I think you just need to say 'who's such and such? I've noticed she likes and comments on loads of your Facebook posts and I've not heard you talk about her before '. You're his partner. I think it's a perfectly reasonable question.

Could she be his ex wife? or a relative or friend of hers? Did he himself grow up in the town his kids grew up in? If so could she just be someone he for eg went to school with, who through knowing his daughter saw him on facebook and thought she would reconnect , as people do in a friendly nostalgic way.

11 years not seeing his kids? Did he not fight for them? Go to court?

I’m sorry OP but I wouldn’t trust him at all. Someone who goes 11 years without seeing there kids isn’t the sort of person I would want to be with.

This woman is obviously a old friend or ex girlfriend.

He can't be arsed with his kids for 11 years and you think he's loyal/faithful?

Come on OP...a deadbeat is a deadbeat is a deadbeat.

I would ask the woman, she is the one with the inappropriate behaviour. Not your partner.

@LampLighter414

I would ask the woman, she is the one with the inappropriate behaviour. Not your partner.

You'd ask a stranger who she was, rather than just asking your partner - who is friends with her - because you think her liking his Facebook posts is inappropriate?

Whilst it does sound a little odd I would still reserve judgement. i would honestly just say to him, Ohhh i have noticed mrs x commenting on your posts i havent heard of her before, who is she? She may even have some interest but your bf may not and you could be getting worked up over nothing. Just be honest with him before a molehill becomes a mountain xx Good luck.

@LampLighter414

I would ask the woman, she is the one with the inappropriate behaviour. Not your partner.

But you don't even know that her behaviour is inappropriate?! She could be his cousin.

Madness