To feel like this

[giraffes2021]

So me and DP been together 8 years 2 young children

I now work 3 days a week so he's main earner, not married, I pay nursery which is like £800 for 2 kids and my own bills such as car insurance fuel etc DP pays for mortgage etc.
Obviously he has a lot more disposable income than me, he's a bit more sensible than me always has money in the bank he's always been the higher earner. If I need money I ask etc and he'll give me money but it's just a crappy feeling always having to ask or say I need money for x y z or just not being in a position to be able to put a bit of cash aside. Obviously my income has dropped as I only do 3 days - isn't it just a shitty feeling as a woman or am I overthinking ?

We share our money. We have a joint current account and credit cards (no separate ones). All our money goes in and then everything comes out of it. We also have a joint savings account and if we have more than we need in our current account we transfer it to our savings account!

Dear god

Not married, and not on the house deeds. But you have children. What happens tomorrow if you / him walks out of the relationship? What happens if (god forbid) he’s hit by a bus!? You have absolutely no protection whatsoever.

Why does this conversation come around again and again and again every few months!?

@HotToddyColdSauvignon how do I need to protect myself if something happens to him? Would it not just go to the children ?

Oh my OP.

You need to sort this ASAP. I'm not saying you'll split but you should always look at your financial situation a lot closer if you have children and are finding yourself depending on a partner now.

STBXH and I did the same. He paid mortgage bills etc. I paid childcare. I wasn't on the mortgage.
We split and luckily no contest and I got my share from house sale (initially I put a hefty deposit in which would have amounted to what he paid for mortgage over 3 years)

However. I still pay childcare. Full childcare. I havent lived with him in 2.5 years and yet because it was always my job to 'only pay childcare' I'm now paying my own rent, bills and 700 a month on childcare. As well as food, dance classes, every single item of clothing for my child.

I shot myself in the foot. And I'm still chasing him to start putting towards childcare and he won't (twat)

I understand its 'fair' but it isn't. It should come out of a joint pot, where you know if anything goes gits up, you won't find yourself financially ruined or unable to provide for your kids.

You should probably add your name to the house now too.

I think you really need to sit down and have a conversation with your DP. I don’t understand why you have to ask for money?
I work 3 days a week whilst DH is full time. We just have a joint account and a joint savings. All our wages goes in, all the outgoings go out and whatever is left is for us? I honestly thought that was normal. It would be completely unfair to split everything 50/50 when I don’t earn the same! I can’t imagine DH ever being comfortable with me asking for money? We just share!

I’m not sure if you’re being purposely naive for effect but you and your children are in a very vulnerable position.

Read the relationship boards if you need a wake up call.

Regarding money - equal surplus is very easy, even with varied salaries.

Total up all of your outgoings including nursery, food, stuff for kids.

Deduct this from your total earnings for the month.

Whatever’s left you split.

My figs for illustration:

Our salaries total £5k take home

Outgoings total £4100

So we’re left with £450 each for whatever we like.

We just transfer however much of our earnings that leaves us with £450, so DH transfers £2550 and I transfer £1550

If one of us earns less or more it doesn’t matter.

Why does this conversation come around again and again and again every few months!?

More like every bloody day!

It comes around again and again because women are taught to get a husband and have children and once they've done that to be content with their lot.

Not married.
No joint account.
Not on the house.

Jeezo woman, sort yourself out.

I earn around 4 times as much as my DH, he is part time (3 days a week) to work around me. All our wages go in joint account that pays all the bills, joint and separate (apart from credit cards) and household stuff plus birthdays and Christmas. I then put some into a separate savings account (LISA as we currently rent) and then the remaining is split between the two of us. Our credit cards are paid out of our separate money. That way everything is equal. He gave up a lot for me to retrain and get a better job that I love and extra earning potential. He stays at home with the kids. I would never expect him to lose out while I had money sitting there.

OP you are so, so vulnerable here.

I assume you aren't married, because you call him DP not DH. And you don't own your house - it's in his name and he pays the mortgage. And you work part time, because you have young kids.

If he broke up with you tomorrow you would have no home, no share of his pension, no right to financial compensation for your loss of earnings in going part time, no right to any share of assets. All this despite the fact that you are subsidising his career by working part time so you can provide childcare.

You either need to get married to protect your position, or you need to return to full time work and start putting aside money as a fund for if it all goes tits up, or you need to demand completely shared finances including shared home ownership, with a separate bank account for your savings.

Never mind romantic notions of not 'assuming the relationship will fail'. Mumsnet is rife with stories of women just like you who are left destitute because their relationships fail and they don't have a right to the life they helped finance by providing free childcare.

Act now to protect yourself and your kids. If your partner is a decent person who loves you he will see how wrong it is to expect you to continue to be this vulnerable for his benefit.

Sorry, have just seen you do say you're not married. You have to resolve this before it becomes a nightmare for you.

The childcare bill should either be split or paid by the higher earner (I'm the main earner and I pay our astronomical childcare bills)

That being said you said you only do 3 days because you want to spend time with your children therefore that comes with a financial price of having less spending money than the one who works full time (out of necessity to enable the other to work less days)

One you’re not on the house deeds, big concern. Two working part time affects your pension, and as you’re not married you won’t be entitled to a share of your partners pension if you split. Pension he’s built from working full time whilst you’re doing more childcare and reducing the childcare bill. To protect yourself you need to get married.

[quote giraffes2021]@HotToddyColdSauvignon how do I need to protect myself if something happens to him? Would it not just go to the children ? [/quote]
Statistically you’re far more likely to split up than him die young.

But say he dies - don’t you know?

It’s the usual triumvirate then:

• not married
• not on deeds of house
• not a beneficiary of his will

I'm not a fan of Al finances being pooled (e.g both being paid in to a joint account) BUT I do think joint accounts are useful for the payment of household bills.

For example: I'm paid 50% of what DH is paid, so we have added up ALL household bills - this includes childcare and this is paid from a joint account. We both pay in to the joint account based on our income; DH pays 75% of the total, I pay 25% this means we BOTH have disposal income, money for saving etc. I recommend it as a way to keep independence but share the burden of family costs.

You say the car costs and fuel are your personal costs.

Do you by any chance use your car and your fuel, that you have paid for, to take your children to the childcare that he also benefits from?

[quote giraffes2021]@HollowTalk I know when you put it like that. But then again if I needed money he would give it me but I guess that's beside the point [/quote]
You know right now he'd do that. No one knows the future. Do you have some equivalent assets in your name? You say you

I worked out a proper household budget a couple of months ago cause I ended up paying more due to me being the one who does the food shopping.

I worked out our total joint income, then worked out what percentage of that income was his and what percentage was mine. Then I added up our total outgoings for the month and figured out what percentage we should each we paying based on what percentage we contribute to the total household earnings. I did it on an excel spreadsheet so it added it all up for me and it's easy to change things on it if anything changes,

So let me get this right
Your not married
Your not on the deeds
You work part time
You feel like you don’t have enough money but your DP has plenty and you have to ask for money

Your DP owns the house
He is self employed
He benefits from the childcare you do at home on the days your not at work

Trust me he knows exactly what he is doing
He is protecting his interest in his house
He’s not stupid he has a live in housekeeper childminder cleaned & cook and someone to share his bed with .
And it’s not costing him anything because he would have to pay to live somewhere

If you question him about the house getting married or going on the deeds I bet he will get defensive
If he does then you know he is completely aware of what your position is and I expect he won’t budge on it

If you split up at the moment you walk away with nothing apart from what is yours
He’s self employed so don’t count on child support
Honestly I really wish schools could teach some of this shit to kids
You have literally no more rights to anything he has than a complete stranger in the street would

[quote giraffes2021]@HotToddyColdSauvignon how do I need to protect myself if something happens to him? Would it not just go to the children ? [/quote]
It's more complex than that. Does he have a will? Pension fund? Pre marriage stbxh couldn't have had me as the beneficiary of his superannuation without it being in his will, same with the house he owned then. We didn't bother,

marriage came before DC so I had more legal protection then.

Even if the house is willed to his children how would that work? How would you provide for its upkeep? How would you be able to transfer the mortgage into your name if your DC owned the asset? This is assuming his family didn't make a claim on his estate and leaving aside the statistically much more likely risk, seperation. Five years ago I would have been completely confident stbxh and I would be together till one of us died. We had been together 15 very happy years at that point. I'm glad we made decisions while deeply in love that protected me and our DC. Stbxh has become someone that would absolutely screw me over if he could. I no longer recognise him.

Op I agree with everyone here. You are very vulnerable here, very. You need to have a talk with him regarding finances and what is fair to YOU. He seems to have convinced you that you are getting a good deal here but you are not. I'm pt, with 1 DC and dh is a very high earner. We have a joint account that we equally use. In 15 years my dh hasn't asked me once what I spend on. If you sit down and work it out for yourself, you actually are doing far more than you should.

@Flouts1

So let me get this right Your not married Your not on the deeds You work part time You feel like you don’t have enough money but your DP has plenty and you have to ask for money

Your DP owns the house
He is self employed
He benefits from the childcare you do at home on the days your not at work

Trust me he knows exactly what he is doing
He is protecting his interest in his house
He’s not stupid he has a live in housekeeper childminder cleaned & cook and someone to share his bed with .
And it’s not costing him anything because he would have to pay to live somewhere

If you question him about the house getting married or going on the deeds I bet he will get defensive
If he does then you know he is completely aware of what your position is and I expect he won’t budge on it

If you split up at the moment you walk away with nothing apart from what is yours
He’s self employed so don’t count on child support
Honestly I really wish schools could teach some of this shit to kids
You have literally no more rights to anything he has than a complete stranger in the street would

This is very well said. You have been very foolish @giraffes2021

I would also be interested to see what your DP would say about you going on the deeds to the house. I also suspect he won’t want you to.

So it goes to your children.. what then? How will the mortgage get paid?

How have you allowed yourself to be in such a vulnerabilities position? He's taking you for a fool and you are allowing him.