To feel like this

[giraffes2021]

So me and DP been together 8 years 2 young children

I now work 3 days a week so he's main earner, not married, I pay nursery which is like £800 for 2 kids and my own bills such as car insurance fuel etc DP pays for mortgage etc.
Obviously he has a lot more disposable income than me, he's a bit more sensible than me always has money in the bank he's always been the higher earner. If I need money I ask etc and he'll give me money but it's just a crappy feeling always having to ask or say I need money for x y z or just not being in a position to be able to put a bit of cash aside. Obviously my income has dropped as I only do 3 days - isn't it just a shitty feeling as a woman or am I overthinking ?

@dustofneptune so say if I earnt £15k and they earnt £40k how would you split that up??

His salary plus your salary
Minus mortgage, bills and other living costs
Divide the remainder 3 ways - his, yours, savings, or 4 ways his, yours, kids, savings.

Doesn't matter who earns the most.

So £15K plus £40K = £55K total household income.

Your £15K salary is roughly 28% of that total sum, so you would pay 28% of the bills.

No I'm not on the house only because I had a house at the time so it would have meant stamp duty which we couldn't afford

You had a house. Did you sell it? Did you put any equity you got back into doing up HIS house that you have zero claim over?

Either get married or get put on the mortgage asap.

My DP and I don't have a joint account, but he pays more because he earns more since children came along. If your DP earns 40k and you earn 15k then he is taking the piss and probably has a nice savings account in his name too.
In your case, joint account would be helpful. Both wages in, bills paid and and extras for the month, then split the rest.

Sorry OP, I missed the part where you already mentioned the house

It never fails to amaze me how many men are happy for their wife or partner to struggle with money while they themselves are perfectly fine financially.

You’re in a very precarious financial position especially as you’re not married

Have a conversation with your partner and see if you can split finances more equitably

Baffles me ... just pool your money?
You're a couple?...

You need a very big conversation followed by a lot of admin.

PPs have given great suggestions.

Where your P is self employed, he should open a new business bank account and have all his business income paid into there. He then transfers a fixed amount each week into your joint account. From time to time his business account may build up in which case he uses this to pay his taxes and/or transfer an additional lump sum into the joint account or savings.

You need to do a LOT of reading up to protect yourself and your children. I wonder what your partner’s response to all of this will be?

What happens with your pension op - is it topped up ?
Are you doing the childcare the other days of the week? Are you charging him for that seeing as you don't share resources ?

My partner has varying amounts as well so we do it based on the previous month's earnings as a percentage. So usually I pay about 35% of our expenses and he pays the rest, leaving us an equal amount for saving (jointly and separately) and spending.

I was going to ask whether you owned the house.

You don't.

Of course you dont. 🤦‍♀️

You are getting absolutely fucked here, OP.

Let's imagine he spends £800 a month on paying the mortgage. This benefits him alone, as he is paying off an asset that will be 100% owned by him.

You spend £800 a month on childcare. This benefits both of you, as it means he doesnt have to pay half the childcare.

How can you not see that? You are being taken for a complete ride. Wake up and tell him you want to start doing things differently beginning 1 December.

@StuntNun
It never fails to amaze me how many men are happy for their wife or partner to struggle with money while they themselves are perfectly fine financially

Sure, but it also never fails.to amaze me, day in day out, women across the country having kids and then getting presented with the worlds shittest financial deal by their partner, just nodding and thinking to themselves "oh yeah, yeah that sounds fair actually".

If your DP earns 40K and you earn 15K and you don't want to pool your money, I would have him pay for the mortgage and the childcare, and have you pay for bills and food shop.
Set whatever you can aside and save for a deposit on a small BTL for yourself, not joint.

@giraffes2021 you are being completely crazy here. You’re in such a vulnerable position. Why aren’t you on the house? What happened to your own house or the equity in that?

You could be left homeless tomorrow with a huge childcare bill. You need to sort this out.

What happened to the property you owned?
If you sold it and put the money into your dp property then you need to stop thinking of him as a good man asap!

Are you on the deeds or has he drawn up documents to protect you financially if the relationship ends?

When DC come along and one partner takes a big cut in income to go part time in order to look after them it should be joint account all the way. Anything else is financial abuse.

@Yayaga

I was going to ask whether you owned the house.

You don't.

Of course you dont. 🤦‍♀️

You are getting absolutely fucked here, OP.

Let's imagine he spends £800 a month on paying the mortgage. This benefits him alone, as he is paying off an asset that will be 100% owned by him.

You spend £800 a month on childcare. This benefits both of you, as it means he doesnt have to pay half the childcare.

How can you not see that? You are being taken for a complete ride. Wake up and tell him you want to start doing things differently beginning 1 December.

This. This. This.

Your kind of back peddling now OP.
Would you consider going back to work full time, or prefer to keep things as they are?

Do you still own your own property OP? This is very important, if you don't you could be thoroughly screwed if your relationship breaks down.

@Moonface123 I will very much return to work full time when childcare etc isn't thrown into the mix. I'm not back peddling I guess I'm just surprised at the responses. We have had the conversation re joint finances before etc we just never acted on it, he always gives me the money that I need or ask for so I was just thinking that maybe I was feeling stupid for asking etc.
I didn't have any money from my property there wasn't any equity.

If I'm looking after our kids then I expect to share the salary of the parent of those kids, all money in a joint account for equal access

@dustofneptune I have just done your calculations and based on all our bills etc I am paying just shy of £200 less than I should!! Haha

@dustofneptune but then I guess it's a discussion of what's left over and sharing that between us fairly

🤦‍♀️ when is MN going to introduce a dedicated board for these?

See that house that you sold with no equity? Bet it would have had equity in it now (from house price inflation and mortgage payments) if you’d decided that it was the house in your name that would be kept.

The proportion of bills is one way to do it, as described above. But that can still leave the higher earner with more disposable income. Which I don’t think is inherently unfair - everyone can make their own choices. But with two young children, it’s not what I would consider fair. Total all income. Deduct all outgoings - remembering that everyday things bought for children need to be included - deduct a joint savings amount - and split the rest 50/50. Personally I’d had a joint account for anything but bills - so that 50/50 spends would go to different individual accounts.