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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wits end with school

155 replies

autumnvibes1 · 09/11/2021 21:03

This isn't a AIBU but posting here for traffic.

I posted a few weeks ago about an issue that happened at my DS school between my DS and another boy in his class. This boy touched my DS inappropriately in the toilets and the matter was not dealt with well at all. Teacher did not call us, when i messaged her to ask her what happened and how it had been dealt with she ignored my questions. Me and DS dad requested a meeting with the Head he agreed the teacher should have rung us and that she didn't handle the situation correctly. He said it would be put into place that our DS would not be alone in the toilets with this boy anymore in class time. Also it would be relayed to DS class teacher that she should communicate effectively with us in future.
We thought matter would be dealt with better. Tonight my DS has come home and told us this boy pushed him over today at lunch time. DS told the Teaching assistant in his class who was on duty. The TA removed my DS from playing with his other friend to put him to play with a group of people he didn't know.
I don't understand why DS was removed from playing with his friend he was playing with and the boy who pushed him over wasn't taken away from my DS/ the situation. Especially after incidents that had happened before. The toilet incident was one of many but this was the most significant.
Nothing was told to us today and the head mentioned things would be mentioned more to us now to put us at ease with how matters are dealt with regarding this child. We didn't think anything else would happen as we had confidence the behaviours of this child would be dealt with.
This other child has also behaved similar to this with one other child that we know of.
I just don't know where to go from here because i feel like our concerns have fallen on deaf ears and the behaviour management is poor from the class teacher.
What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Loudestcat14 · 10/11/2021 08:13

YesIReallyHave If he has an account under his own name and nothing to do with the school, someone must've trawled through Twitter to look it up.

Summersnake · 10/11/2021 08:15

Op ,your going to be really easy to identify,I’d get the tweet removed

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/11/2021 08:20

With playground shoving there is always two sides I agree but equally if there is a pattern with the same child I understand how a parent would feel

TheSpiral · 10/11/2021 08:22

@Loudestcat14

YesIReallyHave If he has an account under his own name and nothing to do with the school, someone must've trawled through Twitter to look it up.
He uses the #edulink tag, which is for talking about education, his real name, and says he is a headteacher on his profile (yes, he is very easy to find, and yes OP it is very easy to identify the school you are talking about). It’s hardly trawling through Twitter to do one search.
Loudestcat14 · 10/11/2021 08:22

OnlyFoolsnMothers Oh I agree, if there's a pattern with the same child. I would just find out exactly what happened with this specific incident from the TA before I waged war again.

Loudestcat14 · 10/11/2021 08:25

TheSpiral Okay, maybe trawl is the wrong word to use, but teachers should still be able to have SM accounts without them being policed by parents. I wouldn't dream of looking up my daughter's teachers SM accounts to use against them – teachers are allowed to be people too! They're allowed to tell jokes and drink beer and have sex and eat crap food. Why are teachers expected to be paragon of virtues 24/7?

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 10/11/2021 08:26

@TotallySuper

At this point I'd probably be looking for a new school. This boy sounds a bit unhinged and obsessed with your DS I'd just move him away from that. If you don't want to do that just keep complaining and maybe something more will be done.
I missed the first thread but unhinged would apply to at least a third of the little boys I’ve taught if this behaviour is ‘unhinged’. It must be stopped and challenged but actually it reflects more on the levels of supervision (probably due to no budget. Don’t vote Tory!) rather than it being especially unusual behaviour if left unchecked.
Offmyfence · 10/11/2021 08:30

@Loudestcat14

TheSpiral Okay, maybe trawl is the wrong word to use, but teachers should still be able to have SM accounts without them being policed by parents. I wouldn't dream of looking up my daughter's teachers SM accounts to use against them – teachers are allowed to be people too! They're allowed to tell jokes and drink beer and have sex and eat crap food. Why are teachers expected to be paragon of virtues 24/7?
Sorry did you miss the memo?

Teachers

Can't drink on public
Have relationships
Have SM accounts
Have firm political views
Be in a rush ever, in case a parent wants to talk without an appointment
Have no commitments outside school

Can't think why we are struggling for teachers!

Tricked2003 · 10/11/2021 08:34

Your child is 5, you are never going to be happy with this school now however many complaints you make or apologies you get. Move now.

Original poster
autumnvibes1 · 10/11/2021 08:37

Just to say my partner is a primary school teacher I asked their opinion on his social media and she agrees that it's unprofessional. I've worked in professional industry and had to have separate SM accounts for work. The company had a code of conduct and one of our employees actually got fired for something she tweeted which as a result reflected badly on the company.

I was actually looking for his LinkedIn to see if he had been the headteacher for the outstanding ofstead outcome this is when I came across his twitter.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 10/11/2021 08:43

Why were you searching his LinkedIn to dig around the last Ofsted? It's not relevant to the concern you have about this other child.

If you don't like the head, think they're poor at running a school, are unprofessional and can't/won't keep your child safe then you move your child to another school, not go searching for the head on LinkedIn and social media.

Loudestcat14 · 10/11/2021 08:48

Offmyfence 👏👏👏👏👏👏

OP, if your partner is a primary school teacher, then why are you asking on MN for advice about any of this? Or is that a typo and did you mean friend? Either way, they will be best advised to tell you how to handle the school. My OH teaches Y5 and has done for years and that's where my knowledge of how primaries operate comes from.

He also has a locked down Twitter account. That's his choice, but no way should it be enforced by nosey parents! The fact that you've been looking up the head on LinkedIn shows how much you mistrust his judgement. You should definitely move schools. If you think this way about the SLT now, it's not going to improve the longer your DS stays there.

(You do know you can see who looks at your LinkedIn profile, btw? For your DS's sake, please don't be that parent)

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 10/11/2021 08:57

OP, can you be more specific with 'inappropriate'?

Did this child touch your son/attempt to touch your son in a sexual nature? Grab his willy? Expose him? Pull down his underpants? If so then this is a MASSIVE safeguarding failure for both your son and this boy? That is not acceptable behaviour and would strongly infer this child is suffering abuse. What action has the school taken to explore this?

Beyond that the lack of intervention from the school staff is appalling.

Your son has been habitually assaulted. They may be 'only five' but you. have outlined your concerns to multiple members of staff and they are failing to keep this child away from your son/keep your son safe.

Is the behaviour escalating? Is it just your son this child focusses on? Do you know when/how this behaviour started?

I would outline everything you have posted here and send an email to the head/teacher/assistant head/governers and ask for a meeting asap to discuss this matter. You need to have a sit down conversation where they cannot fob you off.

Request to see the incident report of the toilet event, they will have had to have followed procedural process and the actions they have taken/safeguarding concerns should be listed. If they say it breaches confidentiality request a redacted version.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 10/11/2021 08:58

The tweets appear to have been deleted.

Am I misunderstanding or has the headmaster tweeted a child brought a vibrator into school?! Is this tweet related to the incident with your son?

Offmyfence · 10/11/2021 09:01

@autumnvibes1

Just to say my partner is a primary school teacher I asked their opinion on his social media and she agrees that it's unprofessional. I've worked in professional industry and had to have separate SM accounts for work. The company had a code of conduct and one of our employees actually got fired for something she tweeted which as a result reflected badly on the company.

I was actually looking for his LinkedIn to see if he had been the headteacher for the outstanding ofstead outcome this is when I came across his twitter.

And she's entitled to get opinion, however not everyone share that opinion.
BoredZelda · 10/11/2021 09:02

That tweet is not appropriate. It's a story you may relay in private to close friends but not to have laugh about on SM.

Nonsense. People tweet about those sorts of things all the time. Not at all inappropriate. Nobody was named, it isn’t identifying. Funny the OP thinks it’s entirely inappropriate to tweet, but has just shared it to a wider forum.

BoredZelda · 10/11/2021 09:04

Just to say my partner is a primary school teacher I asked their opinion on his social media and she agrees that it's unprofessional.

Not sure why you think her opinion is any more valid than your own, or anyone else’s on here. It certainly doesn’t lend any weight to the argument,

WeatherwaxOn · 10/11/2021 09:07

@IAAP

Paper trail. Detail the original complaint and later one and say you tried resolving with the head and the class teacher but have serious safeguarding concerns and that your son was sexually assaulted with peer on peer abuse. Ask for a meeting with chair of governors also report to any trust the school is a member of. Inappropriate touching of other students can be a indicator of abuse at home. Send the letter to the local authority and ofsted. Include all names times and full details
Yes, this Seville have an obligation to have a safeguarding team from amount the staff. The governing body will have (are meant to have) a safeguarding governor. You need to go through the full complaints procedure - document everything - and if not resolved by governing body (who are there to make the school accountable) then you escalate to your LADO. They are a person employed by the local authority, nothing to do with the school, and must investigate safeguarding issues in such cases.
WeatherwaxOn · 10/11/2021 09:07

schools, not Seville

UpThePodge · 10/11/2021 09:21

@BoredZelda

That tweet is not appropriate. It's a story you may relay in private to close friends but not to have laugh about on SM.

Nonsense. People tweet about those sorts of things all the time. Not at all inappropriate. Nobody was named, it isn’t identifying. Funny the OP thinks it’s entirely inappropriate to tweet, but has just shared it to a wider forum.

Of course its inappropriate , he is a practicing Head relaying a story about work/from work on SM. He has a standard to upkeep. He is not retired to so is still chained to that Where do you draw the line , a Dr talking about something they found amusing about a patient , a nurse , a psychologist ? Its part of being a professional
DartmoorDoughnut · 10/11/2021 09:28

I would go straight in with safeguarding concerns regarding both your son and the other DC

Easterndream · 10/11/2021 09:50

To be honest it's difficult to gauge the incident without knowing what this other child actually did. You deem it inappropriate, so my advice would be to continue engaging with the school till you feel reassured and are happy with the outcome. If this doesn't work out though, and you have lost trust, move schools.
However, this doesn't necessarily mean that you would be objectively right, only right for you you and your family, and that's your prerogative.
If your idea of inappropriate behaviour is in-line with the school's, then you should be able to work together, if, on the other hand you think that the incident had sexual implications, whereas the school thinks it was more on the lines of 5 year olds being giddy and comparing bodies/ not realising that you can't touch some body parts, then they might treat the matter in a different way.
It's the intent behind both scenarios, bathroom and playground which should tell you how to move forward

KloppsTeeth · 10/11/2021 09:51

Hi Op.

I am a chair of governors. You need to check school policies here. Peer on Peer Abuse is a hot topic (rightly so) at the moment. Look for:
Behaviour Policy
Safeguarding Policy
Peer on Peer Abuse Policy and
Complaints Policy.

You can’t just go to the governors without following the schools complaints Policy first.
The safeguarding concern should’ve been noted, but you may well not know about the outcome.
The safeguarding governor should be aware of anonymous data on incidences of peer on peer abuse.

You need to be clear when contacting the school on what outcome you expect. Do follow the complaints process, armed with Policy information and escalate up to the Chair of Governors if necessary.

lentilsforever · 10/11/2021 10:15

@autumnvibes1

Just to say my partner is a primary school teacher I asked their opinion on his social media and she agrees that it's unprofessional. I've worked in professional industry and had to have separate SM accounts for work. The company had a code of conduct and one of our employees actually got fired for something she tweeted which as a result reflected badly on the company.

I was actually looking for his LinkedIn to see if he had been the headteacher for the outstanding ofstead outcome this is when I came across his twitter.

You would have been able to see this on the ofsted report itself
lentilsforever · 10/11/2021 10:20

Op
What does your partner, a teacher, think that you should do?

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