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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wits end with school

155 replies

autumnvibes1 · 09/11/2021 21:03

This isn't a AIBU but posting here for traffic.

I posted a few weeks ago about an issue that happened at my DS school between my DS and another boy in his class. This boy touched my DS inappropriately in the toilets and the matter was not dealt with well at all. Teacher did not call us, when i messaged her to ask her what happened and how it had been dealt with she ignored my questions. Me and DS dad requested a meeting with the Head he agreed the teacher should have rung us and that she didn't handle the situation correctly. He said it would be put into place that our DS would not be alone in the toilets with this boy anymore in class time. Also it would be relayed to DS class teacher that she should communicate effectively with us in future.
We thought matter would be dealt with better. Tonight my DS has come home and told us this boy pushed him over today at lunch time. DS told the Teaching assistant in his class who was on duty. The TA removed my DS from playing with his other friend to put him to play with a group of people he didn't know.
I don't understand why DS was removed from playing with his friend he was playing with and the boy who pushed him over wasn't taken away from my DS/ the situation. Especially after incidents that had happened before. The toilet incident was one of many but this was the most significant.
Nothing was told to us today and the head mentioned things would be mentioned more to us now to put us at ease with how matters are dealt with regarding this child. We didn't think anything else would happen as we had confidence the behaviours of this child would be dealt with.
This other child has also behaved similar to this with one other child that we know of.
I just don't know where to go from here because i feel like our concerns have fallen on deaf ears and the behaviour management is poor from the class teacher.
What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Morph2lcfc · 10/11/2021 06:52

That tweet is just funny, nothing inappropriate about that at all

StormyTeacups · 10/11/2021 06:52

"Be kind"
They're professionals doing a job. No easier or harder than others. Of course the OP should be polite, but expecting her 5 year child to be safeguarded is the very basic of jobs the school has to perform.

Original poster
autumnvibes1 · 10/11/2021 06:54

@PotteringAlong

So you don't think that's inappropriate for a head teacher to write on an open forum?

No. Why would it be?

It's sexual and discussing a child bringing in their mums vibrator. Obviously if his account was private between friends maybe it would be fine but why is it open for everyone to see. Another tweet discussion handing out pens that had a note on about checking balls by accident. He's a professional and should have a professional account and a private one
OP posts:
Tillymintpolo · 10/11/2021 07:01

Nothing wrong with that tweet at all

Original poster
autumnvibes1 · 10/11/2021 07:03

OK well I don't think that tweet is inappropriate so difference of opinion but obviously that is not the main cause of concern

OP posts:
Tailendofsummer · 10/11/2021 07:05

So is he tweeting that under the name of the school? Or under his own name?
Remember no child at school should be on Twitter so it is only parents/friends/teachers who should ever see the tweet.

Tiredforfive45 · 10/11/2021 07:06

What do you feel is inappropriate about that tweet? Confused

Mistressiggi · 10/11/2021 07:07

OP has explained what she thinks is inappropriate - I don't agree, but I think she should leave out the tweeting side and focus on concern about the initial safeguarding incident, which does sound like it wasn't handled appropriately

Offmyfence · 10/11/2021 07:10

agreed nothing inappropriate about the tweet.

Your son and the school is a different matter and I also think you need to change schools.

SavoyCabbage · 10/11/2021 07:10

@Mistressiggi

OP has explained what she thinks is inappropriate - I don't agree, but I think she should leave out the tweeting side and focus on concern about the initial safeguarding incident, which does sound like it wasn't handled appropriately
Me too. Forget the tweet and forget the pushing as it’s diluting your point.

Move schools if you aren’t happy though.

Original poster
autumnvibes1 · 10/11/2021 07:12

@Tailendofsummer

So is he tweeting that under the name of the school? Or under his own name? Remember no child at school should be on Twitter so it is only parents/friends/teachers who should ever see the tweet.
His own but all other teachers have put these views are of my own which he has not put. But anyway the tweets are not the issue the behaviour management is and how it's being handled
OP posts:
Original poster
autumnvibes1 · 10/11/2021 07:13

I'm worried about swapping schools. You don't fully know how the school functions until you're in it. Which is my case now as I thought this was a great school until we encountered problems

OP posts:
rrhuth · 10/11/2021 07:14

I think the tweet is very unprofessional.

If you think the touching incident was not dealt with properly, you can raise a safeguarding complaint with the chair of governors.

Might be easier just to move schools.

rrhuth · 10/11/2021 07:16

@autumnvibes1

I'm worried about swapping schools. You don't fully know how the school functions until you're in it. Which is my case now as I thought this was a great school until we encountered problems
This is illogical thinking - you are already in a school you have grounds to distrust, so if you move there is a large chance of improvement, if you stay, zero chance.
SavoyCabbage · 10/11/2021 07:18

@autumnvibes1

I'm worried about swapping schools. You don't fully know how the school functions until you're in it. Which is my case now as I thought this was a great school until we encountered problems

So pursue the toilet issue and see how it is handled then you will know.

You need to stop looking for problems though. You are being over the top about the tweets.

TidyDancer · 10/11/2021 07:19

There's nothing whatsoever wrong with that tweet. You should probably ask MN to remove that since it exposes him and potentially the school.

Have a meeting with them but make sure you raise the issues that are important - they owe your DS a duty of care but you do need to make sure you're not reaching for minor issues to pad out what you're saying.

EdenFlower · 10/11/2021 07:20

In a busy playground full of five year olds, one pushing another over is a regular occurrence. The TA probably said to them "play nicely and be kind now boys, it's probably better if you don't play together- why don't you play with these children over here instead?"

Can you imagine if they had to inform every parent of every little incident that happens in an infant playground? Geez, unless it's something serious or something recurrent it would be unrealistic.

Lennybenny · 10/11/2021 07:20

When it said touching I thought we were talking teens or at least primary age. It's not good and there's no detail but at 5 it's also possible it's curiosity/being silly and no one has taught him that's not allowed. Obviously if there's more to it then yes it's an issue but the teachers with safeguarding training etc should know what they're looking for in the situation and then have access to a lot more information about the child and his situation. Gay? Trans? Some dc are aware very early on that they are different.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/11/2021 07:23

The touching is awful and should have been investigated far more.

But...
5 year olds push each other all the time. I've been an MSA, it's constant.it'a constant fire fighting to manage, and you do just move a child without thought, because there's another 5 year old tugging your arm about who's pushed them. There's no way you'd inform anyone else about something that happens 20 times per minute.
Plus the tweet is fine.
So, if you've raised things like the bottom two non-incidents, then an actual valid complaint like the touching, will go less noticed.

Moonface123 · 10/11/2021 07:24

OP, I can understand your concerns and frustration.
It would be interesting to see the replies had the victim been female. Most of the replies on here are excusing the the teachers brhaviour, no concern re the wellbeing or safe guarding of OPs son.
This is a typical reflection of society, and then we wonder why we have a ticking timebomb of young men.

Iamnotthe1 · 10/11/2021 07:25

There's lots to unpack here.

The initial toilet incident should have been communicated better, which the school have acknowledged, and it's good that you've flagged this to them. It should have been recorded in the school's internal records as a cause for concern, not least because sexualised behaviour from a young child can be an indicator of that child being abused themselves outside of school. However, you wouldn't be made aware of any cause for concern form or any action taken on that as that information is confidential and relates to a child other than your own. As such, I'm not sure how you've decided that no safeguarding report/discussion/referral took place.

Regarding the pushing, it is very common for 5 year old child to lose all sense of physical boundaries during unstructured time such as playtime or lunchtime. This may be something the school is working on with them (for example, every year we have to introduce a no contact without asking rule into Y1 in the first term so the concept of boundaries can be reinforced). This physical contact will happen so frequently that it is absolutely not something that would prompt a call home.

The headteacher's tweet is neither here nor there. No, school staff do not need to have fully locked down profiles (although many choose to if they want to be on social media). Equally, their tweets don't have to be policed to a much higher degree than every other non-teaching member of the community.

I'd recommend moving your child. Not because the school or you are necessarily doing anything wrong now but because the relationship has broken down completely. For a vary of reasons - twitter, covid, communication - you've come to the conclusion that you cannot trust this school. Whether those reasons are independently valid or not is irrelevant: you do not trust them so you can't send your child into their care for the majority of the next six years. Doing so will only bring more unhappiness.

Original poster
autumnvibes1 · 10/11/2021 07:26

@EdenFlower

In a busy playground full of five year olds, one pushing another over is a regular occurrence. The TA probably said to them "play nicely and be kind now boys, it's probably better if you don't play together- why don't you play with these children over here instead?"

Can you imagine if they had to inform every parent of every little incident that happens in an infant playground? Geez, unless it's something serious or something recurrent it would be unrealistic.

It's recurrent as I have mentioned this boy keeps doing stuff to my son
OP posts:
DemBonesDemBones · 10/11/2021 07:26

Our school dealt with a similar sounding child by 'zoning' the children at lunch time. Lots of parents complained their child hadn't been 'zoned' with their favourites but it worked. Zoning was phased out eventually and my Son hasn't had to have stitches never mind daily trips to first aid since. Sorry you're going through this op, it's all consuming.

EdenFlower · 10/11/2021 07:27

There's nothing inappropriate about the Head Teacher's tweet- it's a funny anecdote and doesn't mention his school, name any children or anything else. Teacher's have loads of stories like this to tell, there are books you can buy of this sort of funny anecdotes written by teachers.

JustLyra · 10/11/2021 07:28

I’d move him school.

The lack of safeguarding concern from the teacher over the toilet incident is worrying. There are very specific ways things like that should be dealt with.

You’ve completely lost faith in the school so cut your losses and move him elsewhere.

I’d also put a written complaint in about their handling of it so that there is a paper trail of things.