To tell childs father he can't pick him up this late at night

[Rosesarered22]

Posted here for traffic.

Desperate for some help to do with a co-parenting matter.
Child is 2 years old.
I left his dad at the beginning of the year. He's father and I agreed that he could pick him up at 5.30pm and return him at 7.30pm twice a week.
However, I told him right from the start that he had to cut his overtime as soon as he could so he could pick him up and return him earlier as i felt this was too late for our child to be out.
All this year its been one excuse after the other. People are off with covid, he has to cover. Holidays etc etc. He's actually work hours mean he starts early and finishes early but he chooses to do overtime.
We had mediation a few months ago and even she agreed with me and he was told he had a week to sort something out. This was a couple of months ago and he's done nothing about it and ignored my 2 requests on another conversation about it.
The nights are now dark and cold.
Bit of backstory, he was emotionally abusive and still is. I have written a statement, I am seeking help bit it's all been a long process.
He laughs at me when I say I am his primary carer and in charge of his daily routine. He has parental responsibility the same as me so thinks it's his right to have his son when he wants. Regardless of how it doesn't work.
I took it upon myself to finally write to him to say I was suggesting he now picks him up at 4.30pm and returns him at 6.30pm.
He wrote back saying the best he could do is 5pm till 7pm until after Christmas.
He also has him at the weekends so this isn't his only time with him but im so angry cos he's not thinking about our child at all.
But I can't argue with him. I'm scared to death of him and I know if I just say that's it, child is not leaving the house that late so you can't see him unless yo sort something out, he will flip and I'm in the process of trying to get a non-molestation order so at the moment there is nothing to protect me from his abuse.
He's just gone off with him this evening and he was already so tired and just wanted to stay in and cuddle. He's usually in bed asleep by 7.15pm other evenings and he has phased out of his naps.
But when he comes back at 7.30pm he is cold, and overtired and wired and it throws him out of his routine. He won't go to bed till 9pm and then he's tired the next day and ratty.
I've even resorted to ringing nspcc because I don't know where I stand but this is about the welfare of our child. He's so little still and it's not fair on him.
I'm waiting for a call back from them.
Child arrangements could take months to sort and by then it will be getting warmer again. Meaning my poor little one has to go all winter with these arrangements.
Any advice please.

You called the nspcc?
If he was out till midnight you may have a point! But 7:30 really isn't that late in the scheme of things

I think you are being unfair. The child's father has to earn money . He's making an effort to see his child. It's not too late really and I really don't see what the dark cold nights have to do with it unless they are sitting outside all this time.

What has your solicitor said? You’re literally arguing about half an hour if you’re offering 6.30 and he’s saying 7. I think you need to pick your battles.

How is 7.30 late???

What is Dad doing with him for those two hours? Is he in a warm house somewhere or indoors for tea such as a pub or soft play place?

You sound bonkers. It's half an hour. Your kid is not going to care or be bothered by it.

Op has clearly said that the child is overtired when they are returned. It doesn't matter whether others think that it's late or not.

I think 5-7 is reasonable on a working day.

7.30! It’s hardly midnight.

You phoned the NSPCC!

Contact is for the benefit of the child not the parent. This does not sound like it benefits your son at all. My children would have been losing it by 7.30 as they were always flat out by then and if they weren’t it was hell. Your Ex’s behaviour is just creating more work for you
Unfortunately you will have to do this formally. Have you discussed it with your health visitor?

Are you working/child in nursery in the day? If not then I would probably try and adjust his sleeping pattern to later in the evenings. If you have to get up for work that’s different. But tbh I don’t think 7.30 is that late. Where does he take him? His house? Can he stay over night once a week instead?

But my child is bothered by it. He's exhausted and it ruins his entire next day and his routine. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd night here and there for a special occasion but this is twice a week and then at the weekends too. He's admitted he doesn't go to sleep till late at the weekends.
Mumsnet is obviously very different to real life because everyone I've spoken this side has agreed and it wasn't me that even bought it up in the first place.
Everyone I have spoken too has said that with their arrangements, the courts have ordered the child be back by 6pm no later.
I'm offering 6.30pm to be lenient to his work. But it's not contractual. It's overtime he chooses to do and won't give up because he prefers the money to the welfare of his child

You both agreed 5.30-7.30pm, which fit around his working hours, but then you’ve unilaterally decided you want to change the time to an hour earlier, and he has tried to compromise with half an hour earlier?

Honestly, it’s half an hour, I can’t really see how this is a child welfare issue.

@MrsElijahMikaelson1
Exactly. This is what I've been told numerous times by all the relevant people in this department of things.
And yes, it was another company that I've been working with that told me to ask advice of the nspcc because it was regarding the welfare of a child.
Yes he is at nursery and yes I work so it screws up both our routines.

7.30 is late for a 2yo, but it depends what he's doing.

Could Ex not do his bedtime routine at his house and return him to you in his PJ's and ready for bed?

Doesn't matter whether PPs think 7.30 is too late. The parents work around the child's needs and routine where possible not the other way round. If this is affecting his sleep and mood genuinely then you and the dad need to come up with something better.

I do agree that ringing NSPCC was a bit much unless you had concerns about where he was or what he was doing.

Not too late *

I don't know any other children from split families that are out regularly with the other parent till 7.30pm.
And yes my child was absolutely exhausted and didn't want to go tonight. It was heartbreaking.
So no, it might not seem late to you but he's usually fast asleep by 7.15pm every other night and I just don't think it's fair on him.
We originally agreed 5.30-7.30pm only as a temporary thing until he could talk to his boss but he never bothered to do it and every time I've bought it up, he's refused to discuss it and then laughs at me and makes my life hell

Tbh it sound ok. I'd ask that he brings him back bathed and changed though so you can pop him straight into bed

It’s quite late if it throws out his routine…not sure if your ex if having overnight contact but wouldn’t it make more sense for that night to be an overnight visit? Dad could collect at 5, give him tea and do bedtime?

You have many years of trying to co-parent so I would pick your battles.

He wrote back saying the best he could do is 5pm till 7pm until after Christmas.
Maybe fix a date in January that you both agree to re-visit the arrangements.

It's not like the child has to be up for school. could their routine be tweaked a bit so it doesn't effect them so much?

Where do they go?
Honestly, it’s dark and cold at 17:30 let alone 19:30 now, so that sounds like an excuse - the real issue is how it impacts bedtime, and possibly a deliberate act to control.
Unless he’s coming back cold, that’s more of an issue I think.

I would take the 17:09-19:00 and work on the routine from your side on getting him settled quickly. At this age, they change so quickly (as you just said, dropping naps) that I don’t think the mediator should just “side” with you.

Big hugs though - it sounds like an awful situation with him, and just because I think you should work with it, doesn’t mean he’s not an arsehole!

It doesn't matter. Just forget it.
Nspcc was my last and desperate resort on asking what to do because I've got nowhere else to turn too and no other support without going down a long battle with child arrangements and by the time that's sorted, it could be months.
I'm just thinking about my child that's all.

Tell him the hours/contact schedule that is in your DC’s best interest is to be back for bedtime by 6.30pm. If he can’t collect his DS until 5pm, then it’s his choice, but DC still needs to be home by 6.30pm. Do this in writing, explaining that 7pm is too late for his bedtime schedule and the effects it has been causing up to now.

He’ll still bring him back late. But then you can reiterate 6.30pm - again in writing - and keep doing so.

Even if it doesn’t solve the issue immediately, when you get a child arrangements order court will see you have been clear and consistent that this is in DC’s best interests.

My ex was an abusive twat but still sees his kid 5-7pm three times a week and has done since she was 2.5yrs old.