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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell childs father he can't pick him up this late at night

89 replies

Rosesarered22 · 09/11/2021 18:05

Posted here for traffic.

Desperate for some help to do with a co-parenting matter.
Child is 2 years old.
I left his dad at the beginning of the year. He's father and I agreed that he could pick him up at 5.30pm and return him at 7.30pm twice a week.
However, I told him right from the start that he had to cut his overtime as soon as he could so he could pick him up and return him earlier as i felt this was too late for our child to be out.
All this year its been one excuse after the other. People are off with covid, he has to cover. Holidays etc etc. He's actually work hours mean he starts early and finishes early but he chooses to do overtime.
We had mediation a few months ago and even she agreed with me and he was told he had a week to sort something out. This was a couple of months ago and he's done nothing about it and ignored my 2 requests on another conversation about it.
The nights are now dark and cold.
Bit of backstory, he was emotionally abusive and still is. I have written a statement, I am seeking help bit it's all been a long process.
He laughs at me when I say I am his primary carer and in charge of his daily routine. He has parental responsibility the same as me so thinks it's his right to have his son when he wants. Regardless of how it doesn't work.
I took it upon myself to finally write to him to say I was suggesting he now picks him up at 4.30pm and returns him at 6.30pm.
He wrote back saying the best he could do is 5pm till 7pm until after Christmas.
He also has him at the weekends so this isn't his only time with him but im so angry cos he's not thinking about our child at all.
But I can't argue with him. I'm scared to death of him and I know if I just say that's it, child is not leaving the house that late so you can't see him unless yo sort something out, he will flip and I'm in the process of trying to get a non-molestation order so at the moment there is nothing to protect me from his abuse.
He's just gone off with him this evening and he was already so tired and just wanted to stay in and cuddle. He's usually in bed asleep by 7.15pm other evenings and he has phased out of his naps.
But when he comes back at 7.30pm he is cold, and overtired and wired and it throws him out of his routine. He won't go to bed till 9pm and then he's tired the next day and ratty.
I've even resorted to ringing nspcc because I don't know where I stand but this is about the welfare of our child. He's so little still and it's not fair on him.
I'm waiting for a call back from them.
Child arrangements could take months to sort and by then it will be getting warmer again. Meaning my poor little one has to go all winter with these arrangements.
Any advice please.

OP posts:

Doubledoorsontogarden · 09/11/2021 18:30

Take him up on the offer of 5-7pm

LostInTheColonies · 09/11/2021 18:30

It's about control, not the time itself. If you agreed to 7.30, he'd want to make it later / earlier / ad hoc / something else. Does he actually bring your DS back at 7.30, or is that loose as well? Keep a record of all this stuff in case you need it later.

I agree with you OP - it is clearly too late for your DS. He's only teeny. But calling NSPCC was a bit OTT.

Would suggest getting an order if you can. Showing that your ex is already hopeless (from the records you keep) will really help.

Royalbloo · 09/11/2021 18:32

He also laughs at me when I say I'm the main caregiver and resident parent but I ignore him. Because I am.

Cuntness · 09/11/2021 18:33

Why does he need to talk to his boss if it's overtime and not his contracted hours?

Herecomesthesun70 · 09/11/2021 18:33

Just don't send him. You don't have a court order that forces it.
Either he dies reasonable hours or waits until
The weekend to see him

Royalbloo · 09/11/2021 18:33

He also has her every other weekend and keeps her up late. I used to let it get to me, but now I let him do whatever and I deal with the consequences. I can't control what he does, and the more I try, the worse he behaves. Once I gave up saying anything he's actually been much better.

1forAll74 · 09/11/2021 18:34

It's not really too late,and if the child is wrapped up well in the colder evening, and then gets a bit of playtime with his dad, it should be all ok.

Royalbloo · 09/11/2021 18:34

Her having a relationship with her dad is vital to her sense of self - mine moved abroad when I was 4. So I make this a priority for her.

NoSquirrels · 09/11/2021 18:35

@Rosesarered22

It doesn't matter. Just forget it. Nspcc was my last and desperate resort on asking what to do because I've got nowhere else to turn too and no other support without going down a long battle with child arrangements and by the time that's sorted, it could be months. I'm just thinking about my child that's all.

You can’t force him to do anything without a child arrangement order, as you know.

He’s abusive so he doesn’t care about anything but getting his own way, no matter how petty. It’s the only control he has over you now - your shared child.

So play the long game. Remain the calm & consistent one, don’t get dragged into arguments. Keep stating what is best for DC.

whistleryukon · 09/11/2021 18:38

I was only able to pick my DC up from child care after 5.30 when he was a baby/toddler and sometimes not until 6.30-7 when I had finished work, or later. And then he would sometimes have to come to the supermarket etc with me. It's not a big deal.

However, if I was co-parenting I would have tried to work late on the days I didn't have my DC.

UneFoisAuChalet · 09/11/2021 18:38

Why do you want to start shit with a man that is abusive? You got him out of your life so why engage for the small things. In the grand scheme of things it’s only 30mins. Eventually your child will adapt. It’s not ideal but that’s the kind of situations that arise with co-parenting. Pick your battles.

MushMonster · 09/11/2021 18:38

I think you are being trully unreasonable about the times and whether it is dark or not, as they are perfectly fine, but.... and this is the big thing: it is not suiting your child, as it is around his bed time, and you say he is cold? That is not good. His father should be keeping him cosy and warm.
I think it is unreasonable to ask the father to change his working times. I think it is unreasonable to ask from your child, and you, to go out of the house if he is ready for bed, and he is not liking it.
I would be suggesting for the father to take the child when he is off? Is it possible? Or for the child to actually sleep at his dad's that day? That would make sense to me. Take him, do bath and bed time. Get up with him in morning. Breakfast, and back with mum while the father is working, or a fun day if father is off.

sassbott · 09/11/2021 18:43

So you came on here looking for further validation (on top of what you’ve said you receive in RL), and when most posters have disagreed, you’ve essentially said ‘oh forget about it.’ And you haven’t answered the multitude of posters who have asked you (a few times), where your ex is taking the child.

Is he taking him somewhere warm? Feeding him? Is it at all possible that you ask the ex to feed, bathe and pop the LO into jammies. So that when he’s dropped back, he’s already ready for bed?

Or better still why isn’t the child staying overnight during the week? So that you’re not having to deal with an overtired toddler. If that’s happening , let him deal with it.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 09/11/2021 18:43

Sorry I think you are unreasonable and actually ringing the NSPCC over a 730 bedtime is pretty emotionally controlling and abusive in itself

Cattitudes · 09/11/2021 18:44

If he has him every weekend when do you get to spend time with your dc? Could you reduce the weekend time a little so he isn't having four late nights every week?

sassbott · 09/11/2021 18:44

I will add, you seem to be seeing a multitude of negatives. From your child’s perspective, it’s good that their dad is this engaged surely?

Hillary17 · 09/11/2021 18:44

Honestly the arrangement sounds fine. 7:30 is okay a couple of days a week, pop him straight into bed. This feels very much relating to how you feel about the father (understandable) but really, it isn’t that bad for the child and he’s having a relationship with the dad.

HeckyPeck · 09/11/2021 18:47

@tiggerwhocamefortea

Sorry I think you are unreasonable and actually ringing the NSPCC over a 730 bedtime is pretty emotionally controlling and abusive in itself

What a ridiculous thing to say. And to say it to someone who left an abusive relationship is just plain nasty.

Calling the NSPCC for advice is in no way abusive.

SpidersAreShitheads · 09/11/2021 18:47

@sassbott

Is he taking him somewhere warm? Feeding him? Is it at all possible that you ask the ex to feed, bathe and pop the LO into jammies. So that when he’s dropped back, he’s already ready for bed?

Or better still why isn’t the child staying overnight during the week? So that you’re not having to deal with an overtired toddler. If that’s happening , let him deal with it.

I agree with all of this.

This is coming across more like point-scoring OP unless there's a huge drip feed about to come which says that he's keeping him outside in the cold for two hours.....

PartyRingsAreTheBest · 09/11/2021 18:47

I've been through court with a similar sounding man, the courts sided with ExH and DD comes back at 7.30pm in the week and has done since age 3 (now 7) she's better able to cope now but it was awful for a few years especially when she first started school and was shattered from that.

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2021 18:49

I think YABU really.

Kids tend to adapt to new routines even if they struggle a bit at first. I really wouldn't start a battle over this.

Original poster

Rosesarered22 · 09/11/2021 19:02

I came on here looking for advice on how to stand up for myself and for what's best for my child. As I never seem to be able to get anywhere with it. He has and will always have all the control.
I was the one that encouraged him to have a relationship with our child as he hadn't bonded with him at all by suggesting he have him but the agreement was that the hours would change as soon as he could. He wasn't interested before and yes our child is the only way he can now Control ne so he does
But at out childs expense.
7.30 might not be late for some but it is for him. I know what I have to deal with when he comes home and it's horrible.
Though hearing from those who's exes also have their child till that late or 7pm is good.
Thankyou for coming on and sharing.
I've not spoken to one person in real life who thinks that 7-7.30pm is a reasonable time for a toddler so it's good to know that across the country, it isn't unusual.
And yes I will chose my battles and agree to 7pm
But i will continue to suggest 6.30 for after Christmas and go down the route of child arrangements.
Thankyou all for your help

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 09/11/2021 19:08

Just on 19:30… keep in mind that parents up and down the land have to pick their toddler up from nursery at 18:00, maybe don’t get home until 18:30. I know that it affects individual children differently, but in terms of fighting 19:30 - I don’t think many would agree it’s that late. Worth considering when you pick your battles.

Snoken · 09/11/2021 19:09

I actually don’t think you are being unreasonable. It’s lovely that your ex wants to spend time with your child so often, but since it’s not benefiting the child in this case I struggle to see why it needs to stay that way. It may well be OK in a couple of years, but I can see why it would be disruptive to a little 2 year old that has just stopped napping. Would it be possible to maybe do one overnight stay mid-week instead of two evenings for example?

ThorsLeftNut · 09/11/2021 19:10

In with you here OP.
A lot of my family think I’m mad that we won’t go out every week for meals with them at 6:30/7pm.

If my little boy isn’t in bed by 7pm it’s me who has to deal with the inevitable fall out, overnight wakes, next day crankiness so ultimately I decide if we go or not.

FWIW I would agree with the 5-7 for now, get things in order for a written agreements from January and stick to your access order from there. Good luck OP!

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