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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unsure if I should tell my husband!

113 replies

Jammydodge2 · 09/11/2021 15:57

Hello guys, I need to tell my husband something but I'm unsure if I should because of the potential backlash!

So a little back story, my husbands younger sister was bullied at school for a good 5 months, she never mentioned to anyone that she was being bullied, until the day she ended up in hospital because she tried to take her own life, my father in law at the time was in the military, and when he found out who the boy was, he went to pay the family home a visit, after he had gone to the house the boy never bullied my husband's sister again!

So this is my dilemma, our own child had been getting bullied, but between me and my husband we decided to try and let the school deal with it! We had a meeting with the head, and at the end of the meeting my husband said to the head, if the school doesn't deal with the bullying, he will sort it himself!

Fast forward a few months, and the school seemed to have dealt with it, our child had told us the boy hasn't done or said anything to him! Until today, I had to pick our child up from school early because he was complaining he felt sick, I picked him up and he seemed fine, until we got home, and he broke down and said the boy has been bullying him again for about a week now!

So now I'm sat here contemplating telling my husband, because he is a man of his word, and he will go to this boys house and confront the parents, we have argued about this before, but he simply reminds me about his sister and how his dad had dealt with it!

My husband is not a violent man, I would describe him as a gentle giant, he is a soft touch with me and the kids, but he is very protective! He does boxing 3 days a week at the gym, so knows how to handle himself!

Just worried about the backlash from the school and possible police

OP posts:

chayago · 09/11/2021 16:05

Let your husband deal with it
I’d be damned if the school that ignored my issue about my kid gave me backlash.

Why would it would be police matter if all your husband does is go to the kids family home and discussed with the parents and maybe gave the kid a stern talking.

The bully should be the one fearing repercussions. Actually, if he doesn’t, I wouldn’t expect him to stop.

Hope your boy is okay x

SexyNeckbeard · 09/11/2021 16:06

What's your husband going to do? Give the kid a pasting?

If the school sorted it before why wouldn't you just go back to them and make them sort it again instead of your H playing the hard man?

nanbread · 09/11/2021 16:07

What does he plan to do when he gets there?

I'm glad that worked for his sister but you have to be prepared it might not work for your son.

Then what?

MistyFrequencies · 09/11/2021 16:08

Tell him. If the school can't protect your child your husband will.

SleighBells21 · 09/11/2021 16:10

Protect your child, tell him.
Nothing wrong with going round the house to speak to parents.
I would do this and if someone knocked on my door about I would go mental with DS and make sure it stopped.
Whilst the school dealt with it first time, it's started again.
Do the bullies parents even know?

Hope your son is ok how old is he?

Pumpkinsonparade · 09/11/2021 16:11

I remember being bullied. School did nothing. At school drop off my dm marched across the yard with our ddog in tow and told the girl in no uncertain terms to leave me alone..
Never had anymore bother...
Have actually done this with my own dd though at a park not school. A girl who threatened to slaughter my dd 11....she was a tall 14.
The girl now crosses the road if she sees dd. Police had been involved and did naff bloody all.
They also know I spoke to her...
No regrets.
Let dh get on with it op...
Ime school protect bullies...

DontWiltMySpinachPlease · 09/11/2021 16:11

Why on earth would him knowing how to handle himself be relevant when dealing with your child being bullied? Unless he plans on thrashing the kid that's bullying your son?

icedcoffees · 09/11/2021 16:11

I think it's really wrong to keep something like this from your DH, in all honesty.

PinkiOcelot · 09/11/2021 16:12

@SexyNeckbeard but the school haven’t sorted it though have they?!

OP you have to tell him. Let him go round to the kid’s house and speak to the parents. They deserve to know what a little arse hole g the heir kid is.

SleighBells21 · 09/11/2021 16:13

@icedcoffees

I think it's really wrong to keep something like this from your DH, in all honesty.

Yes and this

You all need to be on the same page.

AutumnIsTheBest · 09/11/2021 16:13

Unfortunately OP I assume it a a good few years ago that your SIL was bullied and your FIL dealt with it?

These days I’d be worried your DH would be reported for intimidation or public disorder and it may turn into a fight with the parent/s.

IME bullies have shit parents who wouldn’t have any shame that their kid is a little shit and would be on the defensive.

I’d go back to the school and ask for a meeting with the parents through them. The bullying is taking place at school after all.

Cocomarine · 09/11/2021 16:14

So school effectively managed the situation for months.
And instead of alerting school who were previously successful, you want to go all gangster like on the parents?
You husband possibly has a rose tinted view of the effectiveness of his father’s own intervention.
Who’s to say this family won’t just tell him to fuck off?
Given that school have successfully tackled this once, I’d be speaking to them first.
I’ve no time for this cheat-beating “man of his word” nonsense. Sounds like your husband is more interested in his dad’s legacy than he is in looking for the more effective solution.
School first.

SexyNeckbeard · 09/11/2021 16:22

[quote PinkiOcelot]@SexyNeckbeard but the school haven’t sorted it though have they?!

OP you have to tell him. Let him go round to the kid’s house and speak to the parents. They deserve to know what a little arse hole g the heir kid is.[/quote]
Read the OP again, she says fast forward a few months and now the kid had been saying stuff for the last week. So the school did sort it - now he's being a little shit again the right thing to do in the first instance is go back to the school

BunsOfAnarchy · 09/11/2021 16:23

I think OP is stating her DHs boxing skills in reference to possibly the bully boys dad getting physical, I doubt she means it's to knock out the kid!

Tell your DH but I'd email the school also. Chances are they spoke to the kid once and he stopped bullying, I don't think they 'kept on top of it', he probably saw that no one will say anything since so has started up again. So no, I don't think the school have done their job, because the kids views haven't changed and he's back to his usual shitty self.

I was bullied all through high school. Only time it stopped is when my mum marched over to one of the bullies houses and told his mum. The boy got such a bollocking off his mum that in school he wouldnt even look in my direction let alone speak to me.

Emmelina · 09/11/2021 16:26

As a teacher, I would say go through the proper route at school - teacher, head, governors.

As a parent, if the school isn’t dealing with it quickly enough, how long do you let your child suffer? Let your husband have a word.

EileenGC · 09/11/2021 16:27

Tell him, and you both go to speak to the parents like the adults you all are.

If that doesn’t solve the issue, then you think about additional steps. But I don’t understand what his boxing has anything to do with this? Unless he’s already planning on getting violent with whomever opens the door at this boy’s house?

Original poster

Jammydodge2 · 09/11/2021 16:28

My husband wouldn't just go round the house and start throwing punches, that's not what I ment by the boxing thing!

He would just want to go round have a word with the parents, I know if that happened to us we would be having words with our child!

I know in my sister in laws situation the childs dad was in the military aswell and ended in more than words! My husband only does boxing to keep fit!

OP posts:

Harlequin1088 · 09/11/2021 16:28

Good on your husband! A calm, stern word with the boy's parents is probably going to be a damn sight more effective than whatever wishy washy solution the school comes up with.

Itsnotdeep · 09/11/2021 16:28

If a big burly man came to my house to threaten me, I'd call the police. No matter what my child was accused of.

Horrible behaviour- how would that achieve anything

DixonD · 09/11/2021 16:30

Yes, let your husband deal with it. He’s not exactly going to beat the child up now is he?!

Sometimes, you have to get tough with bullies.

icedcoffees · 09/11/2021 16:33

@Itsnotdeep

If a big burly man came to my house to threaten me, I'd call the police. No matter what my child was accused of.

Horrible behaviour- how would that achieve anything

Where does it say he'll threaten anyone?

bigbluebus · 09/11/2021 16:33

But if you don't go through the school then they won't know that the bully is up to his old tricks again. What if the result of your DH going to the boy's house is that the bullying escalates. School need to deal with it not your DH.

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 16:33

Tell him.
You said he's a gentle man so he can have a gentle word, but at least you'll know the parents are aware and that you will handle it if the school can't.

Someone else's parent knocking your door would be much scarier than being pulled into the headteachers office as a child.

InkieNecro · 09/11/2021 16:33

Let him deal with it. The school won't help.

My mum dealt with my brothers bullies by threatening them herself, she dealt with mine by having to move my school.

Schools don't care. If the parents are decent your husband can go see them, otherwise the child needs a talking to. I don't care that people will say that a child shouldn't be told off by someone else, bullying is too dangerous to leave unchecked.

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 16:34

@Itsnotdeep

If a big burly man came to my house to threaten me, I'd call the police. No matter what my child was accused of.

Horrible behaviour- how would that achieve anything

Would you also teach your child not to be a bully, though?

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