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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unsure if I should tell my husband!

113 replies

Jammydodge2 · 09/11/2021 15:57

Hello guys, I need to tell my husband something but I'm unsure if I should because of the potential backlash!

So a little back story, my husbands younger sister was bullied at school for a good 5 months, she never mentioned to anyone that she was being bullied, until the day she ended up in hospital because she tried to take her own life, my father in law at the time was in the military, and when he found out who the boy was, he went to pay the family home a visit, after he had gone to the house the boy never bullied my husband's sister again!

So this is my dilemma, our own child had been getting bullied, but between me and my husband we decided to try and let the school deal with it! We had a meeting with the head, and at the end of the meeting my husband said to the head, if the school doesn't deal with the bullying, he will sort it himself!

Fast forward a few months, and the school seemed to have dealt with it, our child had told us the boy hasn't done or said anything to him! Until today, I had to pick our child up from school early because he was complaining he felt sick, I picked him up and he seemed fine, until we got home, and he broke down and said the boy has been bullying him again for about a week now!

So now I'm sat here contemplating telling my husband, because he is a man of his word, and he will go to this boys house and confront the parents, we have argued about this before, but he simply reminds me about his sister and how his dad had dealt with it!

My husband is not a violent man, I would describe him as a gentle giant, he is a soft touch with me and the kids, but he is very protective! He does boxing 3 days a week at the gym, so knows how to handle himself!

Just worried about the backlash from the school and possible police

OP posts:

DontWantTheRivalry · 09/11/2021 16:34

Absolutely tell your husband!

Bullying is disgusting and those who do it should face the consequences.

Quartz2208 · 09/11/2021 16:36

There is a line between discussing it and actually becoming a bully yourself - one is fine the other is not. You need to decide on the approach and stick to it because if you are worried the police could be involved that is not an approach you should go for.

And what exactly happened with your FIL the other Dad and the bully/

You also need to tread very carefully with your son. This took him a week to speak to you and if mishandled could set him back.

Firstly talk to your husband then talk to the school (and your husband should not threaten to sort this out in front of the head, if this does go sideways they would have to report what he says) and to your son and take it from there

CreepySpider · 09/11/2021 16:36

What do you think your husband will do that will involve the police being contacted?

Quartz2208 · 09/11/2021 16:38

And your son isnt his aunt, the bully isnt the same, the parents are the same (and both being military as well) and the times are not the same.

His sisters bullying though awful should have little bearing on this. This situation needs to be handled but without comparison to a situation that only common denominate is the bullying itself. And that isnt enough to use it as an example of how things should be handled.

Original poster

Jammydodge2 · 09/11/2021 16:39

@CreepySpider

What do you think your husband will do that will involve the police being contacted?

He just wants to go round and have a chat with the parents, but who knows how the child's dad would react!

He isn't looking to go round and have a punch up, he just knows how to handle himself if it did go that way, and I don't want it to go that way!

OP posts:

HelloTreeWindow · 09/11/2021 16:40

Tell him, you son needs the support of both parents and doesn’t need to think he needs to keep this a secret, he needs to be told it’s okay to tell everyone. Although he also needs to feel that telling people doesn’t lead to violence. But an adult going to talk to the parents I have no problem with.

CurryLover55 · 09/11/2021 16:41

Why all the exclamation marks OP?

Quartz2208 · 09/11/2021 16:43

Do you even know the child's Dad OP? What happens if he turns up and it is a single mum on her own. Do you even know the address to turn up at?

And the chances are if it did end up that way it would be because BOTH thought they knew how to handle themselves.

You are uncertain to tell him because it is not the approach you want

Bluetrews25 · 09/11/2021 16:45

What do you know about the parents and how they might react to this conversation?
You've planned your bit, but not thought about the other side. That is where things could get rocky. What if they don't give a shit? What if they complain to school? What if they do have a word with their DC and it does nothing?
As a PP stated, why not have a meeting at school and discuss it there? Less opportunity for it to go wrong. And school should be kept in the loop.

Iamanicepersonreally · 09/11/2021 16:47

If you trust him to deal with it in the right way, tell him

Stovetopespresso · 09/11/2021 16:47

OP you may have a DH problem.

Tell the school. They need to know, perhaps the bully is having home issues your DH knows nothing about let alone how to solve. Leave it to the experts.

Tell your DH. Be parents. Only if school doesn't get on top of it then think again.

Glumgal · 09/11/2021 16:49

I think you absolutely should tell your husband. He has a right to know what is happening to his son. Whether you then decide to go back to the school or directly to the parents is something you can then either agree or disagree on.

FWIW this happened to my youngest when he was in Y6. My DH probably of much the same mindset as yours went to the school at hometime and told the class teacher he'd be walking the bully home and speaking to his parents. Teacher just said do me a favour can you walk a bit behind him. The lad legged it home as fast as he could obviously crapping himself. DH then knocked on the door and had a word with the mother who promised she'd sort it. DS was never bullied again.

Not saying it was the right course of action but it worked.

TheWitchersWife · 09/11/2021 16:49

I was bullied regularly in high school.
I felt sick all the time, the fear is something I can't forget, you can't not go to school and I was worried every time I walked to school, or in the lunch queue, or when a class ended. It was horrendous.
My exstepdad found out as he is the parent to my half sister and we both lived at my moms together.
He knew the father of the person bullying me.
He went round and had words, knowing the kind of aggressive man he is I'm sure it was more than words. She never bullied me again, a few years later someone she was with tried to shout something to me and I heard her tell him to shut up because my Dad will get him. 🤷🏻‍♀️
He was and is a horrible man, but that was honestly one of the best things he ever did for me. If you haven't been through it you have no idea the knife edge you walk on every day waiting for them to get to you.

Let your DH know.

whyiscakesodelicious · 09/11/2021 16:51

I would tell my husband 100%. This is your child and his well being and needs to be sorted out. Ultimately the school aren't responsible for the bully, the parents are.

DeclineandFall · 09/11/2021 17:00

Tell your DH, both go to the school and escalate the issue with the HT. It's the only way otherwise the bullying issue is just going to become secondary to all the parents squaring up to each other and noone wins especially your son. School has been good in the past, so no doubt they will be again. The school should know anyway as its happening there.

Couchbettato · 09/11/2021 17:06

Tell DH. I would.

He can always take the moral high ground, but school clearly aren't putting measures in place to prevent it happening

AngelicInnocent · 09/11/2021 17:10

How old are the children. Are we talking 6 year old or 15 year old?

viques · 09/11/2021 17:11

The school did deal with it and that worked , sounds as though things have slipped though and they have taken their eye off the ball so get back on to the school and let them deal with it again. It will be more effective coming from the school telling the bully that their behaviour has to change rather than your OH turning himself into the bully and turning the bully into the victim.

MatildaIThink · 09/11/2021 17:14

I would say let your husband have a word with the parents, unless they are scum of the earth types.

I remember how badly being bullied at school impacted my brother, the school were not interested, useless, the bullhead free reign because their parents were governors and the head was useless. Don't be the parents who let it happen.

MsDidoTwite · 09/11/2021 17:16

Let the school deal with and escalate it through the proper channels if necessary, . Look after your son. Help him build a support system in school, whether that’s with his friends or staff. It’s incredibly naive of you to think that the bullying can be resolved by your DH turning up in someone’s doorstep and confronting them. You could make the situation much worse all round.You can’t expect to doorstep someone and be made welcome or not have them react badly, even aggressively.
It’s different if your DH is just planning to have a quiet word in the playground with the other parent and it’s someone with whom he’s got at least a nodding acquaintance already

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 09/11/2021 17:17

@CurryLover55

Why all the exclamation marks OP?

Presumably to show tone ie. the op is feeling a little shaken up by this. Hth

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2021 17:18

I don't know about this really because you seem to be inferring in your OP that your father in law is either violent or intimidating, otherwise how is his job relevant?

You kind of infer the same thing about your husband, otherwise how is boxing relevant?

I'm wondering if this is why both your husband's younger sister and now your son, were/are reluctant to say when they're being bullied, in case the men jump in and make it all worse.

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2021 17:20

Also, you need to drum it into your husband that not only was your son reluctant to mention the bullying, but now you are too.

That's not good.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 09/11/2021 17:20

@CurryLover55

Why all the exclamation marks OP?

Don't be a dick

butterpuffed · 09/11/2021 17:21

@SexyNeckbeard

What's your husband going to do? Give the kid a pasting?

If the school sorted it before why wouldn't you just go back to them and make them sort it again instead of your H playing the hard man?

If the school had sorted it satisfactorily before , there wouldn't be a second occasion.

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