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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unsure if I should tell my husband!

113 replies

Jammydodge2 · 09/11/2021 15:57

Hello guys, I need to tell my husband something but I'm unsure if I should because of the potential backlash!

So a little back story, my husbands younger sister was bullied at school for a good 5 months, she never mentioned to anyone that she was being bullied, until the day she ended up in hospital because she tried to take her own life, my father in law at the time was in the military, and when he found out who the boy was, he went to pay the family home a visit, after he had gone to the house the boy never bullied my husband's sister again!

So this is my dilemma, our own child had been getting bullied, but between me and my husband we decided to try and let the school deal with it! We had a meeting with the head, and at the end of the meeting my husband said to the head, if the school doesn't deal with the bullying, he will sort it himself!

Fast forward a few months, and the school seemed to have dealt with it, our child had told us the boy hasn't done or said anything to him! Until today, I had to pick our child up from school early because he was complaining he felt sick, I picked him up and he seemed fine, until we got home, and he broke down and said the boy has been bullying him again for about a week now!

So now I'm sat here contemplating telling my husband, because he is a man of his word, and he will go to this boys house and confront the parents, we have argued about this before, but he simply reminds me about his sister and how his dad had dealt with it!

My husband is not a violent man, I would describe him as a gentle giant, he is a soft touch with me and the kids, but he is very protective! He does boxing 3 days a week at the gym, so knows how to handle himself!

Just worried about the backlash from the school and possible police

OP posts:

SleighBells21 · 09/11/2021 17:24

@CurryLover55

Why all the exclamation marks OP?

Does it really matter? No

MatildaIThink · 09/11/2021 17:24

@WorraLiberty

I don't know about this really because you seem to be inferring in your OP that your father in law is either violent or intimidating, otherwise how is his job relevant?

You kind of infer the same thing about your husband, otherwise how is boxing relevant?

I'm wondering if this is why both your husband's younger sister and now your son, were/are reluctant to say when they're being bullied, in case the men jump in and make it all worse.

Jumping in usually solves it, once a bully has been knocked down to size they rarely try it again. My brother was relentlessly bullied for years at secondary school which culminated in the bully hitting him over the head with a cricket bat and tat requiring stitches, two weeks later my brother broke the bully's elbow and dislocated his shoulder, the bully never even made eye contact again, let alone bullied him. My brother got suspended for two weeks, but it was worth it.

1forAll74 · 09/11/2021 17:28

Let you husband deal with this, with a visit to the bully boys house. This old style of dealing with things like this, usually has some results. No use asking most schools to deal with this, as they ponce about too much,with stupid rules and regulations. Old fashioned ways of dealing with such things, are the best.

Monkeymilkshake · 09/11/2021 17:30

My brother was bullied at school. Ended up with him being stabbed by the other kid!
I’d be going round to the bully’s house myself if I were you!

SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2021 17:31

He just wants to go round and have a chat with the parents, but who knows how the child's dad would react!
So you both know if he goes round there it will end in a violent altercation possibly involving the Police, charges and could possibly have implications for his job, but you still don't trust him to not do it?

You need to speak to school again but no, if you can't trust him, don't tell him

Itsnotdeep · 09/11/2021 17:33

Oh come on, there are all kinds of inferences in the OP's posts.

If it's just about having a word with the bully's parents - go and do it yourself. It's clearly not though, she talking about a big burly boxing type to go round instead. To sort it himself! Because he knows how to handle himself!

BirdyBirdyTweetTweet · 09/11/2021 17:34

Yeah I'd hand this over to hubby. As long as no-one will be hurt, let him deal with it.

2bazookas · 09/11/2021 17:40

Tell the school and give them chance to handle it again; because it worked last time. Your child might not be the only victim and the bully may be on a final warning.

MAYBE the other parents are a law abiding polite people horrified by their son's behaviour, able and willing to quash it. But bullies often come from a background of disinhibited and unpredictable adults in the home. I'd certainly want to know more about the family before DH goes round to face them.

2bazookas · 09/11/2021 17:42

@BirdyBirdyTweetTweet

Yeah I'd hand this over to hubby. As long as no-one will be hurt, let him deal with it.

DH may be a non-violent peacenik but that 's no guarantee he won't get hurt .

CheltenhamLady · 09/11/2021 17:51

I think it is time to let your husband deal with this, provided he can be trusted not to let his emotions get the better of him.

Applesonthelawn · 09/11/2021 17:52

You shouldn't keep something like that from your dh under any circumstances. What he does about it needs to be carefully managed so that's a different story and we don't have enough information here to know how that will go. I'd be tempted to let him deal with it though.

Diva66 · 09/11/2021 17:52

Yes, you should tell your husband and discuss how to proceed.

violetanemone · 09/11/2021 17:55

@Itsnotdeep

Oh come on, there are all kinds of inferences in the OP's posts.

Yes I was also thinking this.

Why can't OP go round if it's to have a chat.

Can't stand the thought of parents squaring up to each other over kids' stuff going on at school, they are no better than the kids.

Lilymossflower · 09/11/2021 18:03

Sometimes you need to deal with things the old fashioned way - send a tall strong man round. Just the visit alone will assert his authority, he won't need to beat anyone up

Mulhollandmagoo · 09/11/2021 18:06

Can you go round and speak to the child parents? It would probably be much less inflammatory than your husband. Bullying is dealt with really really poorly in schools and this is something that needs addressing, but if a parent knocked on my door and told me my child was bullying another child I wouldn't get riled up at the parent but I would most definitely deal with my child!

CoffeeAndKittens · 09/11/2021 18:14

Do you know the other child's parents? It sounds ideal in theory, DH goes round, has a lovely chat with the parents, they promise to sort it out, maybe even telling their child off, right there on the doorstep. Child apologises, everyone's friends. Happy ending. On the other hand, what happens if you DH goes round there and they are arses. What happens if the other boy's dad is small and skinny but kicks off and goes for your DH and you DH thumps him and kills him? It might seem dramatic, but it happens. If he boxes 3 times a week, that will be taken into account at court and he will go to prison. Possibly for life. That's the bleak reality of what could. There have been many cases of "just one punch" deaths. Is it worth it?

Go back to the school.

LolaButt · 09/11/2021 18:15

@violetanemone completely agree. As adults we should be modelling good behaviour and dealing with things in the correct manner.

I say this as someone who was seriously bullied at school too.

WoofWoofMooWoof · 09/11/2021 18:16

I would absolutely tell your DH. When my DD was bullied the school did sweet fuck all about it, even when I threatened to get the police involved. I didn't have a big strong man to go around and quite frankly I was scared the mother and her rather rough friends would take revenge if I went round there myself. We ended up having to move and put DD in a different school.

Kuachui · 09/11/2021 18:20

wish id had a dad that dealt with it to be honest. let him loose i say

Goatinthegarden · 09/11/2021 18:41

I know someone whose child was beaten up at school, so they went round to the family of the bully to ‘sort it’.

It ended up with the entire family of the child who was beaten up becoming targets of the bully’s family and forced from their homes. I’m sure this isn’t a typical outcome, but it is worth thinking about before taking matters into your own hands…

Tell your DH and get a meeting set up with the school. Contact an anti-bullying charity for support in dealing with the situation effectively. www.bullying.co.uk

Ozanj · 09/11/2021 18:46

Bullies tend to have horrible nasty parents and extended families. Look them up online - if your dh thinks he can handle a possible physical confrontation then go for it. You’ll be protecting both kids.

NewlyGranny · 09/11/2021 18:46

Send DH into the school first! And if he has, or ever wants, a job or career which needs an enhanced DBS check, don't let him jeopardise it by going to the other child's house. Just don't.

People today are much more litigious than in his DF's day. 🤦🏼‍♀️

ThirdElephant · 09/11/2021 18:49

If a random bloke came to my house to confront me about my kid's behaviour at school, I'd be calling the police and refusing to discuss anything.

I have seen people end up with criminal records this way.

WonderfulYou · 09/11/2021 19:28

I wouldn’t tell him yet I’d try and get the school to sort it and if that doesn’t work both you and DH go into school and try and sort it.
Him going to the parents could make things a million times worse for you son.

Pascal80 · 09/11/2021 20:25

This is current year and not the 1980s. What worked for previous generations might not work now. Your DH could turn up alone and defenceless at the bully kid's parents' house, hoping to deal with this in a civilised way, and be met with seriously dangerous people who perceive it as a full-on confrontation. If he can handle that and is prepared for anything - fine.

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