AIBU to resent having mixed cultural backgrounds?

[TannyFickler]

I’m well into adulthood, and I resent having parents from two different countries/cultures. I never feel like I belong anywhere and I was very aware of this even as a child. Anyone else feel similarly? For reference, one parent is from the UK, I had some minor racism aimed at me in primary and secondary school but barely anything.

OP, sorry that you feel this way. From my experience, those who normally feel the same way are people who're trying to choose a side, rather than embrace both. Not saying this is the case for everyone or for you.

It's sad that you don't feel you belong anywhere because it would make sense that you're part of both cultures/countries. Did your parents not help you do this? Are you rejected as being a part of either culture as someone of mixed heritage?

Thanks for the thoughtful reply.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head: my parents have always been at war with each other and this issue has been used as a weapon on both sides (i.e. cultural clash). So in answer to your question, no they did not help me make sense of this. I think another factor is the relatively rare combination of cultures (at least where I live) and a resulting feeling of otherness.
This all sounds so self indulgent! But I’m very interested to hear from other people with mixed “backgrounds” and their take on the issue. I’m sure there are positive ones!

My parents were from different countries. 1 UK and 1 Eastern European.

I was raised in the UK and have always felt British but I was always interested in and enjoyed taking part in some Eastern European traditions.

May I ask- have you been able/do/did you want to visit the country in Eastern Europe in question? (I can’t visit my “other country” due to it being v. unsafe).
I’ve just realised I’m ignorant about Eastern European traditions, I may have to go off and have a look at some of them!

I’m mixed race black/white, I don’t feel this way but it’s probably because I see myself as white, even my kids refuse to believe I am mixed 🙄

My dad is South African (colored, escaped apartheid, slave descendent) and my mother is Anglo-Indian brought up in Borneo.
My siblings and I were brought up in white, middle class Surrey with all the trappings that came.

Although I’m definitely British, I want to feel an affinity with my heritages that seems to be missing. My parents are still married and together but have fully embraced their “Britishness”, but we still have family in Asia and South Africa.

I now live in the Caribbean and my kids were born and are being raised here. We’re applying for their status papers as soon as we can so they’ll always be able to call here their home.

I’m proud of my mixed background despite my very “white privileged” upbringing, because it’s important to recognize that my privilege is only that because of my ancestors misfortune or luck.

Even more importantly, my boys are growing up in a wealthy environment and its vital they know the challenges that their family had before them.

I haven't actually visited the Eastern European country. It was a bit complex but for various reasons it wasn't safe to do so when I was a child. I do intend to go sometime in the future.

British was by far my dominant culture which is maybe why I never felt conflicted. The Eastern European traditions were an exciting extra rather than a rivalry. They were also mostly food based so very enjoyable.

I am not mixed race but I don’t feel I belong anywhere either. So I don’t think it’s a mixed race issue. I’m an ethnic minority and visibly so. I don’t feel British and people see me as foreign. If I’m at my home country I’m foreign too. I have fully embraced my otherness however.

You’re an adult now. Rather than dwelling on what your parents helped/ didn’t help with, how about trying to make yourself feel connected. Ask them questions, get in touch with family, visit etc .
The woe is me attitude won’t get you anywhere tbh

Waring parents will fu*k up any child, cultural issues or not.

No way! I’m always aware of being white and not visibly mixed in any way, but my name gives it away

I’m going for some psychotherapy soon - it’s gonna be interesting!

I think there’s a place for unravelling the past and a place for doing stuff in the here and now. I agree that plain moping is not the way to go.

That’s a very good point, you don’t have to be mixed to be part of more than one culture.

“I want to feel an affinity with my heritages that seems to be missing”

• Yes! I hear you on this.

A close friend felt like this. She is British and Chinese. Although she speaks fluent Mandarin- apparently she has an accent. Speaking English, she also has a slight accent and never felt 'at home' in either country/community. Another colleague from Iran felt the exact same, although she wasn't mixed race, but spent all her adult life in the UK.

I feel like this, a bit like I don't fit in anywhere. Like I'm too white for the black side of my family and vice versa

I'm mixed race and I get it OP

I'm black but grew up in the UK from the age of 6 and have constantly battled trying to fit in with white friends and prove that although I look different, I'm not different by doing all the things they did, but also navigating African parents and the culture at home (not allowed to sleepovers, strict education etc) thankfully my parents were less strict than other African parents so I had a bit off leeway, but as I've gotten older I definitely consider myself more easily able to relate more to white British culture than black African culture which makes me slightly sad as sometimes I feel I casted off my heritage in a desperate attempt to fit in and it's something I've only realised in the last couple of years. I have a mixed race son and I worry about this for him as my side of the family are very African and lively and the other side are traditional white British. I'd never want him to feel like he needs to pick a side.

I am mixed European and although I’ve had a little racism as a teenager (my looks show I clearly don’t have British heritage), the majority of time it’s been an advantage. My sibling and I have been embraced by both families and cultures in the UK and in both native countries. We speak both languages (at basic conversational level) and enjoy both cultures.

I feel I casted off my heritage in a desperate attempt to fit in and it's something I've only realised in the last couple of years.

I relate to this so much @GreenFlipFlop.

I'm mixed and find myself to be a bit foreign in both my parents' countries, whatever I do. Sometimes it is a blessing (as in, I have something in common with expats because I can more genuinely laugh at the ridiculousness of Britain) but more often I just feel like I don't quite have a home anywhere. My sister is the only one who understands really. It's hard to think about and so I usually try not to, but sometimes it bubbles up.

What’s your heritage OP if you don’t mind the asking?

What do you think you’re parents could have done better to help you feel connected to both cultures. ( DD is mixed race but white passing so it’s something I do worry about with her)

Hope don’t mind the question?

Watching this with interest: I'm white British but my DD's dad is from a non-European country. She's mixed heritage altough appears white, doesn't speak her dad's language and her dad and I are not together so she has much more of a British cultural identity than she does that of her father's country.

As she gets older I'm very conscious of wanting her to feel as connected as possible to her heritage on her dad's side but making this a reality is quite difficult for the reasons discussed above (and the country in question is a long way away). I worry that she will suddenly get to an age where she will feel she has missed out on learning about this side of her heritage. She is in sporadic touch with family there but its all via the phone/WhatsApp so not a very real connection in many ways.

Curious to know how best to support a child in these circumstances.

I'm mixed-race Chinese/English. I think it depends on the parents - I grew up in the UK & experienced some racism (still do tbh) but my Chinese Singaporean dad was 'fanatically' proud and positive about our heritage and how it made us so special/different/'better' than everyone else... When my DB grew up, he was 'shocked' to find out that wasn't true - whereas I embraced/cherished/loved being different (I look mixed-race to most people - but get a bit of 'thought you were Italian/Persian /something a bit forrun' ... DM and her English culture was hugely overshadowed by Ddad and his... So when people ask me if I feel more Chinese or English - i tell them that I feel 'exactly' half, because of dad's influence but growing up here... So it's been positive for me, without any confusion at all - but that's down to both parents reinforcing the 'benefits' of being 'special'