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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to resent having mixed cultural backgrounds?

146 replies

TannyFickler · 08/11/2021 22:21

I’m well into adulthood, and I resent having parents from two different countries/cultures. I never feel like I belong anywhere and I was very aware of this even as a child. Anyone else feel similarly? For reference, one parent is from the UK, I had some minor racism aimed at me in primary and secondary school but barely anything.

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 09/11/2021 09:10

@SnackSizeRaisin another reason some use ‘Eastern European’ is that the Nation states created may not be the majority of the ethnic group they identify with, it’s not always a cohesive identity.

The same applies to many African countries, which were formed by Europeans drawing straight lines on a map with complete disregard for the people who lived there. Lots of cultures are split into several countries whereas those within the same country may have completely different languages etc.

Personally my background is mixed northern European but I hope no one is uncomfortable that I didn't name the countries... because millions of people live in northern Europe and there are different cultures...but that's not relevant to the discussion.

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/11/2021 09:14

can you get her lessons in her dad’s language? It’s so much easier as a child and would help her connect to that side of the family, plus be a useful skill for the future.

For me, speaking another language is a major bonus of having a mixed background and does help with feeling part of my heritage. Also just a positive attitude from my parents towards both cultures, and taking the fun parts of each such as Christmas celebrations.
I do have a slight feeling of never feeling quite at home anywhere but that was much worse growing up in a small town where everyone was related..it's subsided now I live in a more diverse area. I don't have the racism aspect to deal with though which must make it much more complex.

SlamLikeAGuitar · 09/11/2021 09:18

@SnackSizeRaisin I’m 100% with you on the language thing.
I speak English and the language of my mother’s country fluently. DH speaks his mother’s language and English. We are attempting to raise DCs with all 3 languages, which sometimes comes back to bite us in the arse Blush DS went through a phase when he was about 3 and a half where he outright refused to speak English, wouldn’t engage with DH in language number 2, and would only speak language number 3 (my second language)….which was all well and good while I was around. But if I went out, I’d have DH on the phone freaking out because he couldn’t make head nor tail of what DS was telling him. It’s a difficult language anyway, so add in toddler babble and I’d say near in impossible for a non-native speaker to decipher Confused

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 09/11/2021 09:25

I grew up always being told "you're not from around here are you" due to having the wrong accent - my parents moved around a lot and when they did settle permanently chose out of area religious or private schools. Parents from different UK countries but no race elements so easier obviously than encountering racism! However I still felt like an outsider, always, except at boarding school and university where everyone is from all over the place.

I hated it and felt awkward growing up. I never felt at home or at ease in the local area where my parents lived, the way I did at school and university. I never thought of the area my parents lived in as home, just of the actual house til I left school, and once at university I didn't feel that I had a"home town" really, and generally didn't go back for more than a few days but spent my holidays in my university town or abroad.

Tbh its who I am and I'm okay with it now. I think of it as a strength in many ways - absolutely no issues with moving to where the opportunities were work and adventure wise as a young adult - able to embrace opportunities, live in different countries and regions and not remotely tied down. That dominoed into making me very independent - never lived near extended family so never had or expected any help at all raising my own children.

My mother has become interested in family history in retirement but growing up I didn't really learn anything about the places my parents grew up - neither of which we ever lived in.

I've unintentionally but almost inevitably but the same very mixed blessing on my own children by marrying a man from a different country entirely. I say inevitably because the idea of ending up permanently with someone very rooted in the area I grew up seems outlandishly unlikely to me - the cultural differences would ironically have felt greater than with someone from a different country but also without the very "local" tied to one place mindset.

My husband also has parents from two different countries and grew up in a region of one of those countries but a region neither of his parents came from. We live in his country and the children are fully bilingual and genuinely don't have a "foreign" accent in either language, though their English is my English so they would stand out as "other" in the UK for not using current teen slang and having a fairly generic international English type of accent.

In the country we live in they have a local accent and people don't realise that they are anything other than local. They've lived here all their lives and know a lot of people when they're out and about. So they are more "mixed" than me but don't get the "you're not from around here" - in fact they are identifiable as from a specific fairly local area.

Despite the freedom of not being tied to a place I deliberately chose to embed my children in the local area, use only local schools and not move them around - I knew very clearly I wanted them to have roots.

Its a mixed blessing even without looking "different" (obviously that's a huge added factor) - but it can be a blessing because it can open up opportunities and make life richer and bring freedom IMO.

HarrietsChariot · 09/11/2021 09:25

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ClaireandTed · 09/11/2021 09:33

I read a really good book called The Good Immigrant (UK version), and there's an essay from someone who feels exactly the same as you do OP. I listened to the audiobook which added to it because each writer read their own words.

ClaireandTed · 09/11/2021 09:34

There's a US version as well btw.

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/11/2021 09:37

Human nature is to prefer those who are similar. Similar backround, similar education, similar politics.

Maybe historically, and perhaps now for some people who are small minded and have never left their home town. But nowadays we are not tribal (at least in the UK) and there's vast exposure to various other cultures via TV as well as every day experience. Also with regard to politics, someone from another country could be equally likely to have similar political views...maybe more likely when it comes to things like Brexit.

DaisyNGO · 09/11/2021 09:41

I don't feel any affinity with what some people consider my heritage

I do feel an affinity with my heritage. The history of my life matters to me. Not in a way that anyone else needs to know, but my heart holds my history - does that make sense or do I sound mad - and certain people and certain places mean a lot to me.

I think what makes me uncomfortable is when the history of others is meant to be crucial to me, because of a blood link that might not matter.

It took me a while to articulate this but getting older really helps. My parents' history isn't my history.

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/11/2021 09:44

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Zilla1 · 09/11/2021 09:45

AND rather than OR. If you can, try to realise you can belong in both spaces with a partially external perspective on each and also in the third space that neither of your families belong in.

hapagirl · 09/11/2021 09:45

I’m mixed race and mixed cultured. I felt like that OP in my teens. As an adult I worked in my mum’s country and set up a life there. I’m now back in the UK. I feel at home in both and Covid has been really hard with that. I miss my other home. My mum’s country has very strict quarantine laws and half way around the world. As a citizen I can go back but it’s still 10 days quarantine even if you e been double vaxxed. What helps me (and not always possible) is my DH is the same racial / cultural mix as me and so are our DCs. We have a mini mixed culture thing going in our house. Mum’s family is sending care packages. Do you know others of your mix OP? Not trying to fit it and being your own unique self might help. For example, my mum’s country is pretty intolerant to foreigners and other races so while I don’t necessarily “fit in”, I have carved out my place there and made myself comfortable. Family who are racist a-holes help as well.

DaisyNGO · 09/11/2021 09:49

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hapagirl · 09/11/2021 09:49

Omg! aren’t racist a-holes!!

Marvellousmadness · 09/11/2021 09:51

You parents are both.
So you are both
Not 1. Or the other
Both
There is no choice to be made. And no need to feel stuck in the middle. You are both

I myself was born in 1 country to parents with 2 different nationalities. then Adopted into a different country with parents whom had two different nationalities also (but different to the country we were living in!). And I now livein another country yet again and have taken the nationality of this other country

So if we are talking" i dont know where I belong"... girl... you are ok with only 2 nationalities.

Count your blessings. It could be worse Grin

ddl1 · 09/11/2021 09:53

I am from a mixed cultural background too (both parents white, but from very different national origins, religious backgrounds, first languages, etc.) I enjoyed it, and do feel as though I was enriched by it.

ATieLikeRichardGere · 09/11/2021 09:58

Yes I have always felt like I belong in neither culture and people see me as a bit foreign in both. I moved to a third country as a teenager probably to try and escape this problem. But I came back to the UK. While I know it is sort of a blessing to be from two places in theory, in practice I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. In my heart there is a deep sadness about it that I have never lost. These days I just try to forget about the whole thing and I change the subject when people ask.

MangoIce · 09/11/2021 09:58

White British and East Asian here. Not only different countries and cultures, but race too. I don’t resent this. I did experience some racism at secondary school though. And as an adult too. I don’t know my extended family though and neither does my mother.

Easterndream · 09/11/2021 09:59

As a biracial person I completely understand you. I often wondered whether others felt the same. Unfortunately I don't speak the first language of one of my parents and when we are together with extended family it's sometimes as if I feel like a fraud, even though rationally I know I shouldn't.

MangoIce · 09/11/2021 10:00

I also hate the terms biracial and BAME (most people seem to think these are just for people who are half black and ignore half Asians). I am mixed race.

Gardenlass · 09/11/2021 10:05

I am resentful of being mixed race. English mother, Jamaican father. I never knew anything at all about my Jamaican heritage, it was never discussed, and I was left to deal with the racism on my own. This was from growing up in the fifties and sixties, when the UK was far more overtly racist than it is today.
I am nearing seventy now, and have never really come to terms with it.

BunsOfAnarchy · 09/11/2021 10:08

I'm not mixed, but I'm a British born person of colour whereas my parents moved here as teenagers from Asia.
The culture clash is hard at times. At 34 I got insulted only yesterday funnily enough about 'forgetting my culture'. I had the most Asian wedding possible, I made huge deals out of every tradition during this, I am notoriously known in my family to be the best speaker/reader/writer of their home language. Yet they said that to me because im apparently too open about the fact that I'm going through a divorce....I'm being 'too British' about it.

Its such a chore at times. Being 'British' comes naturally to me. Things such a divorce and being a single mum is just a fact of life and not a big deal in the British culture but my parents have turned it into some huge curse because its the worst thing possible in the Asian culture.

I'm just living my life regardless, it's meant I have very little support from them emotionally during this and it sucks but ultimately they'll just have to get over it and accept that this is who I am now and their opinion doesn't matter.

No one culture is better than another. There are some things that I love from being Asian that I think ate missing from being British and that goes the other way too. Finding the balance is a never ending battle so it's best to just live life taking what you can that you love and enjoy and appreciate from the cultures you are born into and those surrounding you.

forinborin · 09/11/2021 10:11

@Lindy2

My parents were from different countries. 1 UK and 1 Eastern European.

I was raised in the UK and have always felt British but I was always interested in and enjoyed taking part in some Eastern European traditions.

If only you wanted to do a ted talk about your experiences, I'd make my children listen. They are the same mix - EE and British - and started getting ashamed of the EE part of it. Asked me if they can change their names (they have EE names as middle names), or if I can stop speaking in the playground due to my accent. Unfortunately, it comes from school, where there's a lot of prejudice, including from their teachers.
TannyFickler · 09/11/2021 10:21

No real time to reply atm but I am loving reading all these experiences and viewpoints.
Thanks especially for those who have taken the time to say they understand, that really touched me, more than I expected. It’s the feeling part of a group thing I suppose!

OP posts:
godmum56 · 09/11/2021 10:22

@DaisyNGO

I don't feel any affinity with what some people consider my heritage

I do feel an affinity with my heritage. The history of my life matters to me. Not in a way that anyone else needs to know, but my heart holds my history - does that make sense or do I sound mad - and certain people and certain places mean a lot to me.

I think what makes me uncomfortable is when the history of others is meant to be crucial to me, because of a blood link that might not matter.

It took me a while to articulate this but getting older really helps. My parents' history isn't my history.

Thank you for articulating this. I am not biracial but my father was an orphan. I know literally NOTHING about his family or background and the orphanage was so bad he would never talk about it. If anyone thinks I am butting in them my apologies but I believe that the most important thing that any parent can instill in a child is that they are who they are and that is a special and wonderful thing....that knowing about one's forebears and their heritage is important but it doesn't define who you are NOW.