AIBU to resent having mixed cultural backgrounds?

[TannyFickler]

I’m well into adulthood, and I resent having parents from two different countries/cultures. I never feel like I belong anywhere and I was very aware of this even as a child. Anyone else feel similarly? For reference, one parent is from the UK, I had some minor racism aimed at me in primary and secondary school but barely anything.

@KylieKoKo ❤️

Just remembering though - Dbrother & I were subjects of intense curiousity when we went 'home' to visit family. Possibly because we were rarely in tourist areas - but it was friendly/warm. I appreciate that we were very lucky...

Me again... really got me thinkingMain differences/issues for me was dad being an incredbly strict authoritarian Chinese father. I know this can happen in many other cultures - but I was the ONLY one at school unable to wear certain clothes/go to the 'disco' with my friends (the 70's) THAT was horrible.... I suppose I caught up at some point and made up for it...

I understand OP. My parents are from two different countries/ cultures, emigrated to a third country before I was born, and then in my late teens emigrated to my mother’s home country (the UK). Whenever people ask me where I’m from I never know how to answer, and I don’t know which to call ‘home’. That said, I think I’m lucky in that it’s rarely bothered me.

I was born in the UK but my parents are from
Very different parts of the world. I’ve never actually met anyone with the same combination of parents.
I grew up in london so was in a diverse place. I loved having a mixed background. I felt I had insights into totally different cultures and could see that the British way as just one way of thinking about the individual/family/society etc.

As I’ve gotten older I see that if I want to know more about these ancestral parts of me I’ll have to do some work myself. One of the countries is also too dangerous but I dream I’ll get to explore it when I have children with them..

I get it.

One parent is white, from UK. Other is SE-Asian. I grew up in the expat bubble of a third, different country for most of my life. I don’t feel I am ‘from’ either parent’s country, despite being raised with very strong cultural influences of both, and have always had experiences that showed me ‘locals’ (or relatives, even) didn’t consider me from them either.

I think I’m used to the feeling, it doesn’t make me sad. I feel like it helps I grew up with lots of other kids in the same situation.

@thepeopleversuswork Is there a community nearby? I have friends whose children attend groups or clubs that are linked to their culture (eg Greek dancing, Irish language), it’s a little thing, but my friends said the other attendees (and their parents) are really supportive in helping the children learn more.

@GreenFlipFlop

I'm black but grew up in the UK from the age of 6 and have constantly battled trying to fit in with white friends and prove that although I look different, I'm not different by doing all the things they did, but also navigating African parents and the culture at home (not allowed to sleepovers, strict education etc) thankfully my parents were less strict than other African parents so I had a bit off leeway, but as I've gotten older I definitely consider myself more easily able to relate more to white British culture than black African culture which makes me slightly sad as sometimes I feel I casted off my heritage in a desperate attempt to fit in and it's something I've only realised in the last couple of years. I have a mixed race son and I worry about this for him as my side of the family are very African and lively and the other side are traditional white British. I'd never want him to feel like he needs to pick a side.

Pretty much everything about this makes me uncomfortable. Africa is a continent, not a country. There is no monolithic ‘black African culture’ that unites 1.3 billion people. There are thousands a very different cultures. Not all of which are ‘lively’.

This is interesting. I’m very much a third culture kid and I’ve always felt very much like I belonged. When I’m in Nigeria, I feel like I belong there and when I’m in the U.K., I feel like I belong here.

This is possibly aided by the fact that I spent my formative years in both places, as opposed to one or the other. But, it also probably has a lot to do with the fact that a lot of the people I grew up with and/or was at school with (in both countries) had similarly international backgrounds. I can very much imagine things could have been very different if I had gone to different sorts of schools.

I also think that a lot of this stems from childhood experiences. I never questioned my place or sense of belonging growing up, so it doesn’t really occur to me to do so now. It’s something I’ll have to keep in mind for my kids.

I am mixed heritage too I think the 'otherness' becomes part of your identity. It doesn't need to be a bad thing.

Also I used to resent people asking me about my last name….having the same conversation with people about heritage & culture that I couldn’t speak. People seeing my last name & busting out their Italian when I only know random dialect words… or looking at me & asking where I’m from…

It was annoying. But as have matured it’s something have grown to embrace & like about myself. I have started trying to learn more of the language…

So these feelings can grow & change over time… though it must be so bloody hard for people who are biracial….

Aah I'm sorry to hear this OP :(

My DC have a mixed background too - I'm Italian, DHs parents are from the Philippines and we live in England.

DS1 just sees himself has English (DS2 is a toddler).

I think what helps DS1 is that he goes to a very multicultural school with lots of other DC with a mixed background so going abroad to see grandparents or having language lessons in your parents language is a really normal thing to him.

I do feel a bit bad for DH that the DC will be more Italian than Filipino, but we both agree having a EU passports and speaking the language will be useful (eg, they could go to university in Milan etc and maybe not need a student loan).

I am a Kiwi, I was born in NZ. One of my parents is ethnically Chinese but grew up in another Asian country, The other parent is a Kiwi with a British heritage. I've lived in several different countries myself including the UK. I don't actually speak any Chinese despite it being one parent's mother tongue.

So it's probably no surprise that I never fit in anywhere culturally. I always felt growing up like I was "a bit foreign", but felt even more out of place on trips to my parents' countries of origin.

Oddly enough, having moved abroad and had the experience of being really out of place culturally for an extended period of time (as in, learning a totally new language and needing to use it every day), I found that once I eventually moved back to NZ I felt much more "at home".

Strokethefurrywall I curious to know about your move to the Caribbean! Was it with work ? (I’m a little bit jealous tooo)

This is all so sad. Have you had therapy? (I mean to all, I notice OP say above she is going to book some) Talked to both your parents now?

My friends ds's feel like they don't fit in. I suspect what others have written above is part of it too. Hmmm.

I can relate to this OP. DH and I are both mixed race, but completely different to one another. DS is white passing which frustrates us slightly as people don’t believe he’s a quarter Afro Caribbean.

We moved to London and that has helped because it’s such a diverse community that we aren’t the other, even though we’ve yet to meet a family with the same mix as us.

I’m also very aware we need to start teaching DS the European language from DHs side.

@Buggritbuggrit Sorry it makes you uncomfortable, I generalised to avoid going into too much detail, I just wanted to share my experience of growing up in the UK. Of course I'm aware Africa is a continent. I just didn't want to specify exactly where we're from as its outing, although also West African.

Also I used to resent people asking me about my last name

My real surname never fails to provoke conversation. It's been a silent boon in every interview I've ever had - you'd be amazed how much ice gets broken when someone asks (a) if they've pronounce it right and (b) where it's from which often leads to (c) what does it mean. By the time you've got to the waiting area, you've had more chat than some dates.

Something DS noticed too.

My parents are Easter European and Central Asian heritage.
What I’ve found tricky is I look like a different cultural background to my siblings (fair and blond with softer features) yet I’d also still look white to most people when not juxtaposed against them (I am dark haired with more angular features but white).
I’ve both been seen as ‘white privileged’ in the UK whilst growing up the rest of my classmates looked like my siblings and I was seen as not white by the community. I feel like my identity has been changed hugely because of the perception of the societies I’ve lived in- it’s not like I can choose my identity in a weird way?
My children are total Slavic stereotypes in their appearance. I sort of like the UK as no one really seems to notice, whereas some Eastern European’s immediately ask about my heritage.

@SnackSizeRaisin another reason some use ‘Eastern European’ is that the Nation states created may not be the majority of the ethnic group they identify with, it’s not always a cohesive identity. For example an ethnic Albanian, born in Yugoslavia or a White Russian compared to a minority ethnic group from Siberia, or a Ukrainian Catholic Slav compared to a a Muslim Tartar. The broad identity can be easier than been incorrectly linked in the minds of readers to the majority ethnic group that doesn’t represent your cultural background. Or just being fed up of ‘oh, you’re Polish aren’t you?!’

My. Dad is British, my mum comes from Eastern Europe. I was born and raised in the U.K., but we spent a lot of time in my mums home country too.
In the U.K., we lived in an area with a large community from my mum’s country, and there’s always been an air of “us vs them” in the town, and I never really fit in either camp! It was very weird being at school, and having friends from both background actively warring with eachother and being expected to take sides - obviously I couldn’t because I was just drifting in the middle!
As an adult, I’m proud of my mixed heritage. I’m now married to an Asian man, so my kids are also of mixed heritage, and I make a point of immersing them in all 3 cultures.

Thank you @SnackSizeRaisin

@thepeopleversuswork can you get her lessons in her dad’s language? It’s so much easier as a child and would help her connect to that side of the family, plus be a useful skill for the future.