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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnancy chat at work - AIBU?

87 replies

LovesFood1987 · 07/11/2021 18:31

I got pregnant at the same time as someone else at work. We were both so happy about it and used to chat excitedly etc.

We then lost my baby and I am totally heartbroken.

AIBU to think that the other pregnant lady who is obviously still pregnant shouldn't constantly talk about niceties regarding her pregnancy when it is all so recent and I'm totally heartbroken? (She knows this as I have told her).

Constant comments about when she wants to go on mat leave, how we're all "suckers" as she's about to have 9 months off work, having her whooping cough vacc, buying baby stuff etc etc.

I'm having baby loss counseling but it's all so recent and I am totally devastated. I feel she should be more considerate and chat about baby stuff with someone else 😢

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 07/11/2021 18:33

Have you told her you’d rather not chat about baby stuff just yet and you’ll tell her when you’re ready to do it again?

She might be trying to be ‘normal’ so as not to upset you by tip toeing round you? But has inadvertently made it worse?

Moancup · 07/11/2021 18:34

YANBU to feel the way you do. And it would be considerate if she didn’t prattle on the way she is.

But what I’ve realised is that some people are completely lacking in empathy when it comes to realising how their own pregnancy can affect other people. I’m inclined to think that the people who don’t get it will never get it. I hope the counselling gives you some comfort and coping strategies.

mockingjaye · 07/11/2021 18:34

I agree with you. If you have told her it's bothering you & she's continuing to speak directly to you about it she is being unfair.

FakingMemories · 07/11/2021 18:37

You’re not unreasonable to want the chatter to stop but you are somewhat unreasonable to expect it to stop. And I say that as someone who never had a successful pregnancy (just 7 losses) due to a uterus and cervix defect that I was born with (not fully formed).

I understand it’s heartbreaking for you and am pleased to see you are receiving the support of a counselor. But you cannot expect everyone else’s life to be paused just because you are having a difficult time. Let her have her happiness. It’s not her fault you lost your baby. She doesn’t understand what you are going through but, in the nicest possible way, she doesn’t need to.

Elisemum · 07/11/2021 18:52

Well first of all I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’m sending you a virtual hug 🤗. Is this girl talking about her pregnancy directly to you? Or is she talking in your presence but with other people? If it’s the former then yes it’s wrong and you should politely tell her it makes you sad. If it’s the latter then unfortunately I understand her. When I was pregnant was so over the moon I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I recently had a second baby and I have a WhatsApp chat with a few friends, one of them had recent IVF failure. I was so happy and so proud of my new baby I wanted to send them lots of pics when he was born but I stopped myself as I knew it could make my friend sad. I still sent a few becouse I deserved my moment of happiness but I limited myself a bit. I’m saying that I’m talking about my actual friend not a work colleague.

Funnylittlefloozie · 07/11/2021 18:54

I'm surprised noone else in your office has quietly suggested that she tone it down a bit, especially if she's implying that her maternity leave is going to be one long holiday. I bet you're not the only one who is getting annoyed with her, for many reasons.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

LemonPeonies · 07/11/2021 18:56

I'm sorry you lost your baby, I've had several losses and thought it would never happen for me. That's why when I had my miracle baby finally I couldn't shut up about him! She's probably just really excited. Don't take it personally.

RosettaR · 07/11/2021 19:01

Oh my goodness she should 100% talk about the baby less, or maybe try to have those conversations in the kitchen or coffee room rather than right by you at your desk. I have some idea how this feels because I was ttc a long time and while two colleagues were pregnant. We had ivf during lockdown and I was so grateful to be working from home I so I didn't have to listen to it the whole way through the ivf cycle! It must be worse for you as what she's experiencing is a much more direct reminder. As pp have said, there may well be others who she us upsetting who have suffered infertility or other reasons why they couldn't be a parent despite wanting to. Can kyou ask someone to have a quiet word with her?

FreedomFaith · 07/11/2021 19:06

She's calling her colleagues 'suckers' because she's about to have 9 months 'off' to look after a baby? Does she think it's going to be easy? Oh she's in for a rude awakening, it's not going to be easy in the slightest. She's highly rude towards her colleagues and thoughtless towards you. Does she have no friends she can prattle on to about this? Or no partner? Hmm

Yanbu. She's shown her true colours, not a very nice person.

SunnyDay23 · 07/11/2021 19:09

I went back to work after a miscarriage and my pregnant boss (one of only two people at work who knew about it) kept loudly complaining about her baby kicking her. It was years ago but my hatred for her is still visceral. She was a fucking bitch and I think she knew exactly what she was doing.

YA definitely NBU

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2021 19:09

YANBU
She sounds self absorbed and doesn’t have much between her ears. If you don’t feel able to ask her directly to rein it in, could you approach your line manager or HR? Perhaps talk about how this is affecting your mental health?

Aorh · 07/11/2021 19:12

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’ve been there and it’s sucks. I had a late second trimester loss and there was someone at work due about 2 weeks before I would have been…and someone else who had twins about 3 days after my due date.

It sucks but you kind of have to put up with it.

I had the most amazing boss though, who when a well meaning new manager in the team (who had arrived just after I came back to work after my loss), came to retrieve us for the leaving celebration just said “I don’t think you need to be there for that” and took me off for a coffee.

Try and remove yourself for those bigger events, and the rest, well, you end up developing a thick skin. And feel free to feel as much internal irrational dislike of that person as you need to. x

Moancup · 07/11/2021 19:15

@Aorh I love the sound of your boss.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 07/11/2021 19:15

You're absolutely justified to feel the way you do but you absolutely cannot mute the other woman and alter her experience.

Couchbettato · 07/11/2021 19:17

Yanbu for how you feel.

I don't think you can police what other people talk about.

Someone always has it worse and someone always has it better and we can't stop people talking about their success because some people are suffering. The most painful thing about loss is the reality that the world keeps turning regardless. Been there, got the t-shirt.

She's really unreasonable to keep bringing it up to you, but there's not much else that can be done about it. I think you just need to make her continually aware you don't want to be part of that discussion, maintain the high ground, and walk away if she continues and give yourself time to heal.

Katela18 · 07/11/2021 19:18

Personally I think YANBU. I am pregnant and have a colleague who lost a baby shortly after birth a couple of years ago.

I am always very careful talking about baby around her, I essentially only mention anything if she brings it up first.

I also think, you never know if someone else in earshot of the conversation is having their own struggles so save the baby chatter for my family and friends

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/11/2021 19:18

I’m sorry for your loss but in the gentlest possible way I think YABU. As you said at the start of your post when you were pregnant you chatted excitedly about it so you understand how it feels to be excited want to talk about it and were wanting to to do, even though realistically you may have other colleagues who have also been through baby loss. It’s unreasonable to expect her to stop being excited about her pregnancy because you have suffered a loss.

If she is talking solely to you then by all means ask her to stop and explain you don’t feel ready for such conversations but you can’t really expect her not to talk to any of your colleagues. It is awful that you have suffered a loss but equally pregnancy is a big life event for your colleague and she is allowed to talk about it, just as you talked about it prior to your loss.

HeyFloof · 07/11/2021 19:19

She should have an iota of compassion and tone it down/keep it to a miminum when you're nearby. Especially if you've already said something to her.

Mind, a lot of people have absolutely no sense and are completely self absorbed. Less than 24 hours after my baby son died (I was 21 weeks pregnant), my "friend" messaged to tell me she was sorry for my loss, she was pregnant too, due a couple of weeks before I was and wasn't that nice, so she'd be asking me for mummy tips soon. It was so completely unnecessary to share with me at that point. She'd not put anything online about being pregnant and I wouldn't have seen her in person.

doodledeedum · 07/11/2021 19:19

YANBU

StayOrGoOrWhat · 07/11/2021 19:29

Something similar happened at my work, I was pregnant with the same due date as a colleague and she very sadly lost her baby. Things between us were extremely awkward for some time, she really struggled to speak to me although she wasn’t rude at all. I tried really hard to not discuss my pregnancy at all in front of her and I hope i was sensitive but people tended to ask questions and they had less awareness of the colleagues loss.

YANBU, it would be nice if your colleague toned it down.

Turtles25 · 07/11/2021 19:30

Sorry for your loss. I was in this same situation after my stillbirth and I went back to work after 6 weeks (stupidly) I felt so bitter about her getting her happy ending when I'd lost mine. I was jealous & angry. Its all a part of grieving.

She doesn't understand as she is still getting to have her baby. Maybe you could send her a text message/email. Just explain how things aren't the same for you anymore after your recent loss but that you are still happy that she is having a baby but would it be okay not to talk non-stop about her baby/pregnancy as it's still very raw for you.

Sending you lots of love. I'm glad you're getting some counselling. Look after yourself.

Sexnotgender · 07/11/2021 19:33

YANBU, she’s being really insensitive.

My client manager lost her baby and I was pregnant at the time (about 8 weeks ahead of her) and I was super conscious of her feelings and tried to be sensitive to her.

Assphalt · 07/11/2021 19:40

I think, and I mean this so kindly, that even if she wasn’t going on about it you’d be so sensitive that you might find it hard. Clumf it be that you’re (understandably) bothered by it and it’s perhaps seeming worse than it is?

Assuming she’s just being inadvertently insensitive, I’d make a point of getting up and walking away when she starts. And I’d speak with HR to say how much you’re struggling.

Plutonium7000 · 07/11/2021 19:41

I would not be able to stop myself saying "oh, I remember when I was looking fwd to my mat leave before my baby died"......"oh yes, I painted my nursery yellow too, but then I lost my baby so didn't bother to finish the stencils"...... etc, just to make a point. You can't stop her talking, nor can she stop you talking. Hope

Plutonium7000 · 07/11/2021 19:42

...sorry posted to soon. Hope you find away to cope. She's insensitive and you are not unreasonable. So sorry for your loss (I've been there)