Pregnancy chat at work - AIBU?

[LovesFood1987]

I got pregnant at the same time as someone else at work. We were both so happy about it and used to chat excitedly etc.

We then lost my baby and I am totally heartbroken.

AIBU to think that the other pregnant lady who is obviously still pregnant shouldn't constantly talk about niceties regarding her pregnancy when it is all so recent and I'm totally heartbroken? (She knows this as I have told her).

Constant comments about when she wants to go on mat leave, how we're all "suckers" as she's about to have 9 months off work, having her whooping cough vacc, buying baby stuff etc etc.

I'm having baby loss counseling but it's all so recent and I am totally devastated. I feel she should be more considerate and chat about baby stuff with someone else 😢

“I hope motherhood helps you develop empathy, Miranda, because goodness knows you need it.”

I bet you’re not the only person finding her upsetting or annoying. Shea really not being sensitive. YANBU

Imo incessant pregnancy chat isn't appropriate in the workplace regardless of the circumstances, but I doubt many people will agree with me there.

I’m really sorry for your loss. You are not being unreasonable. Baby chat is pretty boring at the best of times so it must be unbearable.

If I were your line manager or someone you get on with at work, I’d want to know so I could support you. There are ways in which she can be, nicely, told to tone it down by someone else. You are suffering enough OP and your work owes you a duty of care as you recover. I hope the counselling helps too.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and also really surprised no one else in the team has mentioned to her to tone it down. I was very sick when I was pregnant and prone to moaning about it, until a good friend who also worked there pulled me aside and mentioned that there were those in the office struggling to conceive and it might be insensitive to complain. I was sad at the thought that my might hurt someone else and immediately curbed my moaning and did it quietly (mostly to said friend). Is there anyone in the team you could share with who could have a quiet word? Hopefully when she knows that it might be difficult for you she will be sensitive and tone it down a bit. It's not about what's fair and who is allowed to talk about things, because the whole
Situation is horribly unfair and it's just trying to navigate a way through that works for everyone

Is she talking to you about this or to other people and you can hear? Are people asking her questions or is she starting the conversation?
I'm so sorry for your loss 💐 it must horrible and upsetting for you to listen to her talk about her baby/pregnancy but you can't expect her to be completely quiet about it either. If people are asking and taking an interest she is bound to talk about it. If she keeps harping on herself she should really have more empathy and tone it down.
Have you spoke to her about any of this?

No, you certainly aren’t being unreasonable. Were I her, I wouldn’t need to be told.

So very sorry.

Next time she brings up something baby related just say ‘look sally im so happy for you but really not strong enough to chat about baby related topics, I’m sure you can understand why’ and leave it at that.

As you found yourself it’s easy to become completely self absorbed in pregnancy it’s all you want to talk about and sometimes we don’t consider how this may effect others around us.

Sorry you are going through this.
I was pregnant the same time as someone in work quite a few years ago, I miscarried and returned to work about a week later. I had to stop going in to the staff room as she would talk about her pregnancy in front of me. It was made worse the day when she attempted to show me her scan photo. I recall eventually bringing it up with her head of department who was normally sitting in the group.
I could not believe the insensitivity, still can't if I look back.

She sounds like a complete arsehole. It must great being able to mindlessly fire out children but for many people it’s a longer and harder road. Sorry to hear of your loss. Is your manager aware of her dick behaviour?

Thanks very much for your replies.

She chats to me directly about it alongside CONSTANTLY talking about it to everyone else. She honestly (by her own admission) doesn't do any work anymore she literally just sits on her special pregnancy friendly stool and talks about the baby. 2 more weeks then she's on mat leave thank goodness. I just want to be able to work when I'm at work and not be thinking about our dead baby 😢

I also have been diagnosed with premature ovarian decline (I was 27 when we started trying for our family of 2 children) and it is so raw the fact that it is highly possible I will never be pregnant again.

This is a very interesting topic and interesting responses… I absolutely agree that banging about your pregnancy in a presence of someone who you KNOW had lost baby/has difficulty conceiving is highly insensitive. However some posters here say that you should never talk about pregnancy out loud as you MAY offend someone that had struggled and you MAY not every know it.. this is not fair at all. Pregnancy is a huge event and when I was pregnant I talked about it all the time! It was my right to talk about it and I had every right to be over the moon. I had the right to be happy, to complain about being heavy and to say how I cannot wait for the baby! Sorry but that’s just the way it is and no one should take this away from anyone. In saying that I would never do it if I knew someone that hears it lost their baby… like I said I would never say much when my friend who was going through IVF was with us. That would be wrong.

Ok now you've clarified shes speaking directly to you about it I think shes insensistive and YANBU. Im supriised you've bit you're tongue for this long!

@Elisemum why does being happy and talking about it have to mean talking about it to everyone? Is it really quashing anyone’s happiness to not keep banging on to Rebecca in HR? Pregnancy is a huge event but I do struggle to see why it needs everyone to validate it. Most people surely have enough excited friends and family in their lives to give them the audience they need?

@Elisemum

This is a very interesting topic and interesting responses… I absolutely agree that banging about your pregnancy in a presence of someone who you KNOW had lost baby/has difficulty conceiving is highly insensitive. However some posters here say that you should never talk about pregnancy out loud as you MAY offend someone that had struggled and you MAY not every know it.. this is not fair at all. Pregnancy is a huge event and when I was pregnant I talked about it all the time! It was my right to talk about it and I had every right to be over the moon. I had the right to be happy, to complain about being heavy and to say how I cannot wait for the baby! Sorry but that’s just the way it is and no one should take this away from anyone. In saying that I would never do it if I knew someone that hears it lost their baby… like I said I would never say much when my friend who was going through IVF was with us. That would be wrong.

I agree with you

YANBU. It’s just basic bloody common sense and human decency to tone down talk of your own pregnancy around someone who has just suffered a loss

A work colleague banging on about any single subject is going to be annoying.

Well, Yanbu to be upset by this. However you say you were also "chatting excitedly" about your pregnancy. Perhaps the pair of you were upsetting someone else who had a loss or were ttc? What I'm trying to say is you can't police what other people say or feel, no matter how much you may want to. That said your colleague sounds insensitive at best and unpleasant at worst.

Oh, what a horrible situation to be in together. You are not at all unreasonable to be upset about this situation and if she is talkign to you about it, you need to tell her to stop immediately and that this is really upsetting for you. However, unfortunately this situation is still happening to her and it is very exciting so it must be very hard for her to stop talking about it. If she is talking about it to other people, you could ask her to be considerate, but some people really struggle. Again, i am so sorry you are in this situation. So many people lose babies, particularly in their first pregnancy but we don't talk about it or understand the impact on people nearly well enough.

I see both sides here, I suffered a loss of twins before my rainbow baby. And really struggled seeing people who were pregnant etc. to put it bluntly you are entitled to feel heartbroken and sad etc but she’s entitled to be excited too. I’d say have a conversation with her, or even HR even taking a week or so for yourself to grieve in peace.

I know your getting help but have you looked. Onto aching arms, they were brilliant and it sounds silly but I got a teddy (well two) that I could hold for a while and it helps they were very good here if you need to talk x

I am sorry for your loss and she is extremely insensitive but sadly and I have found this that sometimes until you have been through a loss some people really don't understand.

A good friend told me after one of my losses while she was pregnant for the 3rd time as least my loss was early - so ie not so bad. Didn't feed 'not so bad' but devastating.

So most likely your colleague probably thinks 'you are over it' and therefore life goes on and her new baby is the biggest thing ever.

I think for you though that the loss is further compounded by potential further struggles which must make it all much harder.

So for now - 2 weeks or 10 days. Literally cross the days off and grab a stress ball to squeeze followed by - gosh I am so busy just can't speak today.

Oh my heart goes out to you it really does - I’ve been through exactly the same and it is SO hard. Anyone being judgemental needs to get a grip. One of the hardest things I found about baby loss was the expectation that you need to put your own grief aside to accommodate the happiness of others, rather than let them sit side by side.

Of course she can be happy about her baby and is allowed to talk about it, it’s very very exciting for her.

But at the same time you are allowed to feel the way you do just as much. You are not a bad person for feeling this way - you are not bitter, mean spirited or jealous. Just unbearably sad, and that’s more than understandable.

When I was going through this I found the easiest thing was just to remove myself from the conversation if possible - you don’t need to hear anything that puts your own well-being down.

I found baby loss counselling really helpful, is this scenario something you can ask their advice on?

It’s really hard and there’s no right or wrong way to handle it - but she’ll be on leave before you know it and you won’t have to talk to her for a while if you don’t want to.

Sending you so so so much love.

I also just want to say that one of the most difficult things I found when going through this is feeling like I was a bad person for not being happy when other people announced pregnancies, had babies etc.

I just want to reassure you that you aren’t, and although it will never be quite the same (I’ve had two children since and still feel like this sometimes) here WILL come a time when you can feel happy for someone else more than you feel sad for you, even if it doesn’t feel like it now.

❤️❤️❤️

YANBU. It’s massively insensitive of her. There must be dozens of people she can babble on excitedly to instead. She’s missing a sensitivity chip, sadly.

YANBU. I am sorry for your loss. She sounds very insensitive and I would avoid talking to her as much as I could. I would be very, very careful in her shoes and been mortified if you would have to ask me to tone it down. She sounds to be completely lacking in empathy.