Pregnancy chat at work - AIBU?

[LovesFood1987]

I got pregnant at the same time as someone else at work. We were both so happy about it and used to chat excitedly etc.

We then lost my baby and I am totally heartbroken.

AIBU to think that the other pregnant lady who is obviously still pregnant shouldn't constantly talk about niceties regarding her pregnancy when it is all so recent and I'm totally heartbroken? (She knows this as I have told her).

Constant comments about when she wants to go on mat leave, how we're all "suckers" as she's about to have 9 months off work, having her whooping cough vacc, buying baby stuff etc etc.

I'm having baby loss counseling but it's all so recent and I am totally devastated. I feel she should be more considerate and chat about baby stuff with someone else 😢

Thanks so much for your kindness, this is the third baby we've lost and every loss is so much harder than the previous one 😢 especially now I know that I have premature ovarian decline too 😢

We used to mainly share our excitement over WhatsApp not at work... Thankfully that has stopped because I stopped replying after I told her how heartbroken I was.

Thanks again for your replies, it's interesting to hear other viewpoints.

@LovesFood1987

Thanks very much for your replies.

She chats to me directly about it alongside CONSTANTLY talking about it to everyone else. She honestly (by her own admission) doesn't do any work anymore she literally just sits on her special pregnancy friendly stool and talks about the baby. 2 more weeks then she's on mat leave thank goodness. I just want to be able to work when I'm at work and not be thinking about our dead baby 😢

I also have been diagnosed with premature ovarian decline (I was 27 when we started trying for our family of 2 children) and it is so raw the fact that it is highly possible I will never be pregnant again.

Ok to be fair is she was talking to me directly about it all the time and knew I’d lost my baby I would be getting really annoyed by now.

Politely but honestly tell her how you feel when she’s talking directly to you, if you feel you can. She’s being insensitive. She’ll either be understanding and be more sensitive with how she talks to you directly or annoyed. If she’s annnoyed by it’s she’s an arsehole and probably won’t want to talk to you anyway lol

Also, if she’s not going to do any work now by your own admission why can she not just fuck off a bit earlier and save the constant talking about herself? Despite the pregnancy the openly slacking would really annoy me 😂

YANBU she sounds awful and totally tactless. I've never been one to talk about my pregnancies constantly anyway but the way she keeps talking about it to you shows a shocking lack of self awareness.

9 months 'off', she has no idea! I came back to work to get a break from childcare, as do many women.

YANBU. After I told my colleagues about my pregnancy, one confided to me that they had been trying for years. Out of consideration, I do not bring up my pregnancy at work at all. I have family, friends and my DH to get excited with, there's no need to talk about it with my colleagues when I know it's painful for one of them. She's being very unkind/unempathetic.

She’s a self-absorbed asshole!!

When I was pregnant my colleague lost a pregnancy and I never mentioned any baby stuff around her. At all. I don’t understand how anyone can be so cruel.

I’m very sorry OP. Hugs.

@Elisemum

This is a very interesting topic and interesting responses… I absolutely agree that banging about your pregnancy in a presence of someone who you KNOW had lost baby/has difficulty conceiving is highly insensitive. However some posters here say that you should never talk about pregnancy out loud as you MAY offend someone that had struggled and you MAY not every know it.. this is not fair at all. Pregnancy is a huge event and when I was pregnant I talked about it all the time! It was my right to talk about it and I had every right to be over the moon. I had the right to be happy, to complain about being heavy and to say how I cannot wait for the baby! Sorry but that’s just the way it is and no one should take this away from anyone. In saying that I would never do it if I knew someone that hears it lost their baby… like I said I would never say much when my friend who was going through IVF was with us. That would be wrong.

It is a huge event indeed, but as someone who is 40wks+5 atm, I really don’t agree that talking about it all the time (especially while at work) is appropriate. It’s boring for one thing, those all around will get sick of it quickly. Then you have ladies like our OP here who deserve compassion and the chance to go about their jobs without having salt rubbed in the wounds.

You speak a lot about your rights from the perspective of a happy person, it would be nice if you could also consider the rights of people around you and perhaps try to be a bit less dull and self serving in the process.

She’s calling people ‘suckers’ because they’re not about to have 9 months off work?

Clearly you can dismiss her outright just for being such an utter drongo.

And if she thinks she’s having 9 months off, she’s in for a very rude awakening.

@Elisemum - I hope your audience is as enthralled with your pregnancy/ies as you are, because otherwise your chat sounds very tedious.

@elenacampana - I do concider the rights of people around me - have you read my post til the end? I clearly said I would never really about my pregnancy if I KNEW that someone in my company had suffered a loss or has had other difficulties.
However being pregnant and my kids was my dream come true and I had every right to talk about it any other time. No one should be able to take it away. It was my moment, my dream coming true and I was the proudest person walking. I celebrated every day of it and I loved talking about it and I would never ever feel guilty for doing so. I shouldn’t, nor should anyone.

Elise, please re read your messages and see how insensitive they are on this particular thread. Of course you can celebrate but it comes across that you have the sensitivity of an elephant. Seriously.

[quote Elisemum]@elenacampana - I do concider the rights of people around me - have you read my post til the end? I clearly said I would never really about my pregnancy if I KNEW that someone in my company had suffered a loss or has had other difficulties.
However being pregnant and my kids was my dream come true and I had every right to talk about it any other time. No one should be able to take it away. It was my moment, my dream coming true and I was the proudest person walking. I celebrated every day of it and I loved talking about it and I would never ever feel guilty for doing so. I shouldn’t, nor should anyone.[/quote]
You should feel guilty about boring the shit out of everyone you know. Your pregnancy is exciting to you but actually it’s quite routine. It is extremely self-absorbed to think people want to hear you talk about this.

I deliberately didn't mention my pregnancy unless someone asked me about it. 1. Why assume they are interested. 2. You never know who will find it hard to talk about. I'd struggled to get pregnant so knew what it felt like to have people chatting non stop about the one thing that cut like a knife.

So sorry for your loss. It sounds like she definitely has a sensitivity chip missing and should realise that you really don’t need to hear this right now.

I'm sorry for your losses op
I know how hard it is.

I remember a girl in the team next to us was having a baby and she left to go on Mat not long after a loss, she came in with her new baby and I turned to my manager and said I need to get out, he simply said 'go' I walked the grounds around the office for an hour as I couldn't bare to be there.
Whilst she doesn't have long left at work I would be inclined to speak to your manager and say if you need to have 5 mins outside you'll let him know and go.
Sometimes removing yourself from the situation, getting yourself back together helps.
She sounds very insensitive.

Whilst yes it's exciting expecting, it is very boring to talk about in reality.
I had a long awaited IVF baby and took the approach of not speaking about it unless asked and even then I kept it minimal.
People ask out of politeness not for the bible.

So sorry for your loss Op YANBU,of course she is excited, but very insensitive to your feelings OP, especially as you have mentioned it to her. It must be really getting you down. I would speak to your manager, about it.

At best she's remarkably tone-death, I can't imagine lacking this much empathy.

Do what you need to do OP. I'd tell her to share less to you, or I'd just speak to my manager.

But you cannot expect everyone else’s life to be paused just because you are having a difficult time. Let her have her happiness. It’s not her fault you lost your baby. She doesn’t understand what you are going through but, in the nicest possible way, she doesn’t need to.

Would this woman really be 'pausing' her life if she refrained from bragging about her pregnancy to someone who had lost theirs?

However being pregnant and my kids was my dream come true and I had every right to talk about it any other time. No one should be able to take it away. It was my moment, my dream coming true and I was the proudest person walking. I celebrated every day of it and I loved talking about it and I would never ever feel guilty for doing so. I shouldn’t, nor should anyone

You'd knowingly gush about your pregnancy to someone who had lost their baby?

Do the feelings of others matter to you? Or are they just people to talk at?

I think one of the things is that I'm not at all trying to "take away" from her pregnancy. She is still having her baby, surely that's the most amazing and important thing?!

Obviously I would never want to take that away BUT mine HAS been taken away.

Imagine if someone was going on about how they have the most amazing natural breasts to someone who just had a mastectomy for breast cancer?! I do think honestly it's inappropriate. Or someone showing off they had just bought a massive house to someone who's normal family home had just been repossessed?!

Or someone just constantly talking about planning their wedding. It’s so bloody boring without even thinking about if it’s hurtful or not.

How long until she’s off?

I’d be telling people I had Covid so I did t have to go in for the next couple of weeks and then return when she’s on leave

I never said anything about my DC at work, unless someone asked how they were, and then I would answer very briefly. I had a colleague who could not have DC and so I kept it all to a minimum. It must have been hard for her seeing me pregnant with DC1. She was kindness itself when I miscarried in between DC 1 and 2.

@LovesFood1987 So sorry for your losses. She seems incredibly insensitive. People banging on about pregnancy and babies etc in general is tedious anyway, as others have said. I don't bring mine up unless someone asks about it. I wouldn't dream of bringing it up or talking about it in front of someone who'd had a loss. Who would, that's grotesque?!

However I remember after a miscarriage, a very close friend who knew about this sent me her scan photo a few days after. We would have been due within a couple weeks of each other, and she sent me constant messages about being pregnant etc, how ill she felt, whether I thought she could have a glass of champagne at lunch today etc. Made me feel crappy and surprised at her lack of sensitivity, I never would have done the same back. So I think some people just get wrapped up in themselves and don't think.

Honestly I'd take a few days off until she's left. You don't need to put yourself through this right now x

She should tone it down. It sounds like she has very little empathy. Talking about your pregnancy at work a lot is very poor form anyway. It is not interesting to other people and you never know their circumstances, so should try to be sensitive.

Wishing you all the best OP. I’m so sorry about your miscarriages. I also had three.

@Elisemum

This is a very interesting topic and interesting responses… I absolutely agree that banging about your pregnancy in a presence of someone who you KNOW had lost baby/has difficulty conceiving is highly insensitive. However some posters here say that you should never talk about pregnancy out loud as you MAY offend someone that had struggled and you MAY not every know it.. this is not fair at all. Pregnancy is a huge event and when I was pregnant I talked about it all the time! It was my right to talk about it and I had every right to be over the moon. I had the right to be happy, to complain about being heavy and to say how I cannot wait for the baby! Sorry but that’s just the way it is and no one should take this away from anyone. In saying that I would never do it if I knew someone that hears it lost their baby… like I said I would never say much when my friend who was going through IVF was with us. That would be wrong.

I think the idea that you can "never" talk about it is as problematic as the idea that you should have the right to talk about it all the time.

There's a happy medium.

I feel for the OP. I never experienced baby loss but I experienced infertility at a young age and workplace pregnancy chatter is draining, because those who think that they have the right to be over the moon tend to think that they have the right to hold court about it. There's an expected response from others that takes a lot of emotional effort to conjure up at times.

Being mindful of other people's struggles is an empathetic thing to do. You don't have to hide your bump and pretend it all doesn't exist, but talking about it all the time with people you don't know well enough to know whether or not they might be struggling with it? Is really insensitive.

Just imagine for a second what it'd be like to have every pregnant woman in your office do this, for years on end, if you couldn't ever experience this yourself. It's soul-destroying.

[quote Elisemum]@elenacampana - I do concider the rights of people around me - have you read my post til the end? I clearly said I would never really about my pregnancy if I KNEW that someone in my company had suffered a loss or has had other difficulties.
However being pregnant and my kids was my dream come true and I had every right to talk about it any other time. No one should be able to take it away. It was my moment, my dream coming true and I was the proudest person walking. I celebrated every day of it and I loved talking about it and I would never ever feel guilty for doing so. I shouldn’t, nor should anyone.[/quote]
Yes I read your post from the beginning to the end and I thought your attitude to talking about your pregnancy all the time sounded selfish, boring and dull. Your pregnancy is not as fascinating to others as you might think - conversation should be something everyone enjoys.

It took me almost two years to conceive the baby I’m overdue with atm. I was careful when I was in the office because I know what people moaning and/or gushing about their pregnancies can make you feel like when you’re struggling with fertility yourself. People didn’t know how hard I was finding life while they were banging on about their pregnancies, but it made me so miserable and I made a point of not doing the same thing.

You do sound incredibly ‘me, me, me’ though so I expect this post will fall on deaf ears.