I don't want to invite SIL to DD's birthday tea

[babybrain77]

I'm pretty sure I'm BU and need to get over myself.

DD turns 1 next month. We had her christening recently with a big party which she did great at but was quite overwhelming. For her birthday, I just want to do a normal small tea with cake, immediate family and her godparents (who have a daughter a similar age).

SIL has met DD once (her choice, she is not interested). She didn't come to her Christening because she had a friend's party the night before (it would have been possible to come after if she'd wanted to).

I don't want to invite her and her partner to the tea. DH thinks if we're inviting my sister (who we see at least once a week), we have to invite his. I know it's really petty and childish, but I feel if she couldn't be bothered to come to the christening, I dont want to host her for the birthday. AIBU?

Invite her. They won't come, anyway!

You get the moral high ground without making any effort. 😉

Give her a second chance.

Get a grip - send the invite, she probably won't come. If she does, the relationship between you might improve.

I think that holding a grudge over her not coming to the christening party is unreasonable. Attending parties is not a duty and should not be 'tit for tat'. The fact that she hasn't seen the baby more than once in the last year may be a little more relevant, but the christening party isn't.

I think you should definitely invite her. She may turn it down, in which case you've lost nothing by asking. Or she may come, and it may be the beginning of a positive relationship between your daughter and her auntie. Some people, especially those without children themselves, only really become interested in children when they reach an age when they are responsive, and show an interest in other people and in the world, so she may be able to form more of a relationship with a one-year-old than a tiny baby.

You'd be very unreasonable to prevent your husband from inviting his sister to his child's birthday.

Yeh this is totally unreasonable. Not everyone has to worship your kid.

Also who CBA to do a party for a 1 year old

Or 'no immediately family' - you can't have some without all. His sister not invited, then neither is yours. They are both your LO's aunty.
Just do your bit, you can't control their response or attendance.

Does she need to know there’s a little party? I have to say, I’m deeply disinterested in siblings’ children, purely because I don’t see them, I don’t know them and I’d only care became siblings care. Perhaps she’s just not really bothered?

My family have always shown a lot more interest (and are a lot more helpful) than DH's, so treating them the exact same doesn't make sense to me.

I agree - but a child's birthday party is the wrong time to be demonstrating that, imo.

If DH feels so strongly about it, let him do the inviting. Why are you doing all the arrangements?

@babybrain77 - if she didn’t bother to come to the christening, I’d have thought it’s very unlikely she will come to a small birthday tea.

If I were you, I’d invite her and cross my fingers that she won’t come - that way you don’t upset your Dh, and hopefully you get the brownie points for inviting her without having to host her.

And maybe she will turn up, and will be a fun auntie at the party, and will redeem herself in your eyes. I don’t think you can lose by inviting her.

I would invite her. Yep your child is the centre of your world and top of your priority list. It’s not the same for your SIL or other people

I understand why you wouldn't want to invite her, but she is your DH's sister and if he wants her to attend, you shouldn't be making an issue. Imagine if you wanted to invite one of your relatives and your DH was saying "no" because he personally didn't like them.

However, I don't think you should be assuming the role of a "family organiser"; let your DH deal with any communication (incl. invites) concerning his family.

If she's not interested, like you say, then why do you think she would even come?

Invite her and choose your battles carefully.

Yabu.

Why are you stressing over an invite if she is likely not to come? That makes no sense. Also, holding a grudge over not showing up to the christening, something your own child won’t even know or remember who was there is ridiculous. If she had gone to the christening and been hung over from the party the night before, you would probably be holding a grudge for that too.

See if she shows more interest once your child is older. To some people, if the child isn’t going to recall them, it’s not necessary. It’s not really about the child but the adults at this age.

Your husband is right, it’s only fair and you’d be causing unnecessary drama by not inviting her. You’re extending an invite, not a summons so just invite her and leave it.

I would give DH a blank invite if he wants to invite her. He can write it, get a stamp and post it. That probably means it do t get sent.
My DB works full time and my SIL part time. But my DB does all the card writing and gift buying for our family and SIL does hers. I am very impressed by my SIL.

It’s pathetic of you to hold a grudge over your SIL not coming to your DC’s christening, and controlling of you to disallow your DH the choice to have her at her birthday gathering.

@Maray1967

I would give DH a blank invite if he wants to invite her. He can write it, get a stamp and post it. That probably means it do t get sent. My DB works full time and my SIL part time. But my DB does all the card writing and gift buying for our family and SIL does hers. I am very impressed by my SIL.

Do people still do paper invites? Don't you just send a WhatsApp invite? They're great!

I'd invite but not be too concerned as to whether she comes or not. Sending an invite isn't that big a deal.

And don't hate me too much but whilst I do like babies I find children become more interesting as they grow older. She might not be a fabulous aunt to a toddler but you never know she could be great with a pre-teen/teenager.

@HappySantasaurus

Lots of people feel uncomfortable attending christenings etc, not everyone sees meaning in them or wants to go to a Church. Birthdays at your home are a bit different. You need to do the right thing and invite her.

I agree with this. And not everyone believes that it is right to christen a baby who is too young to have made an active choice to follow that religion. Those people, quite reasonably, would feel uncomfortable attending a christening.

@roarfeckingroarr

I felt the same.

I invited my family to DS' first birthday. I didn't invite SIL because she's made zero effort and cancelled spending last Christmas with us because she got a better offer.

You can't pick and choose:

Why can't she pick and choose? I can't imagine ever being this petty. It's so childish and ridiculous! If you're being that difficult that's probably the reason why SIL bows out of these events and nothing to do with the child.

Sister in law is immediate family.

So invite her and when doesn't show up you have done the right thing and it's on her.

OP how religious are you?
Religious enough to christen your child but not religious enough to hold Christian values?