I don't want to invite SIL to DD's birthday tea

[babybrain77]

I'm pretty sure I'm BU and need to get over myself.

DD turns 1 next month. We had her christening recently with a big party which she did great at but was quite overwhelming. For her birthday, I just want to do a normal small tea with cake, immediate family and her godparents (who have a daughter a similar age).

SIL has met DD once (her choice, she is not interested). She didn't come to her Christening because she had a friend's party the night before (it would have been possible to come after if she'd wanted to).

I don't want to invite her and her partner to the tea. DH thinks if we're inviting my sister (who we see at least once a week), we have to invite his. I know it's really petty and childish, but I feel if she couldn't be bothered to come to the christening, I dont want to host her for the birthday. AIBU?

YABU to expect SIL to be that invested in your children.
I'm not comoletely certain I know how many children my brother has - I'm that involved.

Invite her verbally - or if emailing, start off with a "Very baby focussed, probably not you're sort of thing....." gives her an easy get out

invite her without expectation. At the same time, have the Christianly grace to give her the benefit of doubt. May be she's not religious so she didn't think it was a big deal. May be she had an awful hangover. May be she was having a miscarriage that she didn't want to be around babies. May be she's desparate for kids but can't have for any number of reasons and finds being around babies hard. May be she made a mistake not coming and regrets or doesn't realise. Whatever her reason, you not inviting her is petty and are you ready to face the consequences of such pettiness which could include resentment from husband? Trust me, now that you have a kid there will be plenty of good opportunities to be angry with, resentful of, disappointed with etc family and friends and strangers

Just get dh to invite his family and you invite yours. Either he won't bother or she won't bother.

[quote babybrain77]@Aprilx I'm actually pretty equal minded on this front. DH's family came the day DS was born despite my awful birth injuries. But I also don't necessarily believe that fair equates to equal. My family have always shown a lot more interest (and are a lot more helpful) than DH's, so treating them the exact same doesn't make sense to me.[/quote]
Did they know you had awful birth injuries and possibly didn't want them there. May be the walk on egg shells around you and don't know quite what you expect of them. And sometimes one family bonds more with nephews and nieces than the other and that's fine too.

Dont be that parent

Although on the one hand yabu, on the other hand you have every right to be

I happily turn up for religious ceremonies (various religions) because I know (hope) they are very important events for the people involved.
Not everyone feels that way.

I can understand people not going because they think the religion absurd or they feel it is a farce as the people involved do not actually practice their religion.
A birthday party is a family occasion so unless she has behaved badly at previous events she should be invited. What does your religion have to say about how to treat people, especially family?

When someone don’t bother with your child over and over again how many times is it ok to be the bigger person? When it’s you who gets hurt on healed of your child.

Wait until she is 6, plenty more times your SIL will rub it in your face that your kids “not worth it”

Behalf*

Just forget to send her an invitation you don't know how that happened. 😉

I'd invite her but expect that she won't go, which is a win win if you don't actually want her there. If she goes then don't make a big deal of it

Doubtful she will even bother going anyway so just invite her..

[quote babybrain77]@Aprilx I'm actually pretty equal minded on this front. DH's family came the day DS was born despite my awful birth injuries. But I also don't necessarily believe that fair equates to equal. My family have always shown a lot more interest (and are a lot more helpful) than DH's, so treating them the exact same doesn't make sense to me.[/quote]
I wonder if they hadn’t of come though would they had they have been banished from the christening for not showing enough interest

The child is 12 months old so this is basically the OP's party and the OP is entitled to feel like she is hosting "her" guests. The baby doesn't know what day of the week it is, let alone if it is a special event. However, having said that, it's still a "family" party at the OP's shared home so her DH should feel free to invite his own sister. It would be different if the OP was inviting just her mommy friends from baby class or similar.

Yes you are being a bit unreasonable but I suspect that your resentment stems partly from having to shoulder the responsibility to invite an apparently disengaged SIL. DH needs to invite her. If he doesn’t and there’s any comeback you can just say ‘what do you mean, didn’t (DH) tell you?’ which is both honest and shifts the ‘blame’ for any oversight to him. It’s an early lesson for your DH in shouldering his share of the emotional admin Don’t fall into the trap of running interference between your DH and his family, let him take responsibility. That includes taking the lead in meeting up, gift buying and important dates to remember.

@roarfeckingroarr

I felt the same.

I invited my family to DS' first birthday. I didn't invite SIL because she's made zero effort and cancelled spending last Christmas with us because she got a better offer.

You can't pick and choose:

You sound hard work. Just because she doesn't bow to the alter of your child she's now not invited to anything? 😂

Hope this all sorts out but getting strangers on here to delve in your family squabbles in never good.

If she's not bothered, she won't come.
Not everyone likes children, or is comfortable with them. Some people can cope fine with their own, but still don't like them in general terms. Babies, especially, are not everyone's cup of tea. I like kids when they're older, but I really don't like babies. I get pressed to hold them when I am not comfortable or confident about doing it, for example. It's not that I don't care about them as a 'person'. I do. I just find them difficult to be close to.

Well if she shows no interest then she probably won't come any way

I think you are being unreasonable. I think if you invite your sister, it's only fair to invite your dh's sister too.

For your child's sake, I think it's better to have as many people in her life as possible. By deliberately not inviting, you may destroy the future relationship for her. If you invite and she didn't come, sad but it's her loss. But if you do that, you give her no choice. And it looks mean from stranger's pov.

This is not about your child being overt whelmed, it's about you.

I dislike people their children as excuses for their decisions.

YABU

What’s one more person?
Don’t use your dd being overwhelmed as an excuse. You feel slighted over the Christening and sil’ s general lack of interest.
Don’t take it personally. She’s at a different stage in her life. Extend the invite and keep things cordial.

Invite her, chances are she won’t come, not everyone’s interested in baby/children’s parties and christenings. Of course it’s only right that if your inviting your sister dh should be able to invite his?

My family are loving and involved. DP’s family are cold and not interested at all (he agrees). No chance I would accept treating our families equally with invitations etc

[quote babybrain77]@SoniaFouler I know it's pathetic, but I found her absence at the last event hurtful so I don't even want to invite her for this one[/quote]
If you are going down the route of not inviting her then presumably you are going to have a conversation with her about how she hurt you by not coming to the Christening and that this is the reason?

Or are you just going to not invite her and also not say anything?

Because that is just building towards an extremely unhealthy dynamic with your sister in law.

Personally I'd just get over it and invite her, but if you don't invite her I think you at least need to tell her why.

You are unreasonable to call yourself the "house organiser"