I don't want to invite SIL to DD's birthday tea

[babybrain77]

I'm pretty sure I'm BU and need to get over myself.

DD turns 1 next month. We had her christening recently with a big party which she did great at but was quite overwhelming. For her birthday, I just want to do a normal small tea with cake, immediate family and her godparents (who have a daughter a similar age).

SIL has met DD once (her choice, she is not interested). She didn't come to her Christening because she had a friend's party the night before (it would have been possible to come after if she'd wanted to).

I don't want to invite her and her partner to the tea. DH thinks if we're inviting my sister (who we see at least once a week), we have to invite his. I know it's really petty and childish, but I feel if she couldn't be bothered to come to the christening, I dont want to host her for the birthday. AIBU?

Yes, not inviting his sister out of spite is unreasonable.

Is she religious? Often people don’t attend christening as they don’t realise the importance if they aren’t religious themselves, or they just aren’t very interested.

It would be petty to not invite her to her nieces first birthday.

She probably won't come anyway. I find it hard not to take personally that she has zero interest in them but still wants to be included when it suits her.

She has not asked for an invitation, your DH wants to invite her.

OP, do yourself a big favour and don't be the family organiser. Let DH deal with his lot. Let him invite her and deal with her.

It sounds like you don't like her and that is OK. Mine is a nightmare. We told her that we were toning her £70 Christmas requests down and since then she has snubbed my DC's birthdays and Christmases and my DH doesn't get it when I say she is not welcome here.

I no longer facilitate anything WRT her and I let DH deal with it all. As a result I have not seen her for 18 months. Bliss

@TooBigForMyBoots yes sorry I wasn't referring to the birthday invitation on the being included when it suits her, but a previous occasion.

@babybrain77

For her birthday, I just want to do a normal small tea with cake, immediate family

Er - as she's your husband's sister, she is immediate family!

You are coming across as one of those mothers that thinks the child is more yours than his, that your family are more important than the fathers family, that your mother should see a new baby the day after birth whereas the other grandmother can wait a couple of months etc.

You are being very unreasonable and I am incredulous that you even need to ask if it is ok to include your sister but not your husbands sister. Time to grow up.

@babybrain77

These are just the responses I expected and needed. I'm the house organiser, it'll be me sending out the (very casual!) invite. She probably won't come anyway. I find it hard not to take personally that she has zero interest in them but still wants to be included when it suits her.

It doesn't sound as though she's asked for an invite, it sounds as though your DH wants to invite her. Maybe try to think of it as something you are doing for your husband and to keep your marriage peaceful rather than something you are doing for her (which is true really, isn't it?).

@babybrain77 how old is the sil?

@babybrain77

These are just the responses I expected and needed. I'm the house organiser, it'll be me sending out the (very casual!) invite. She probably won't come anyway. I find it hard not to take personally that she has zero interest in them but still wants to be included when it suits her.

You should invite her but get DH to send her the invite.

It really doesn’t need to come from you.

And don’t feel you have to run around after her, tell DH to take on some hosting duties.

You have the right to make memories with your own family (husband and child) any way you want.

You are not obliged to invite those who don’t appear to give a d**n.

Your husband should be putting your feelings first, not his sister’s.

If he’s so concerned about her feelings, maybe he should reach out to her and explain the situation: ‘We’d like to keep it small, didn’t think you’d be interested, but would you like to come?’

@Aprilx I'm actually pretty equal minded on this front. DH's family came the day DS was born despite my awful birth injuries. But I also don't necessarily believe that fair equates to equal. My family have always shown a lot more interest (and are a lot more helpful) than DH's, so treating them the exact same doesn't make sense to me.

You are being really petty and silly. Just invite her.,

@CiderJolly 28

@babybrain77 is she as religious as you? If not, that would explain the lack of absence for christening. It won’t of been as high on her list of priorities

Er - as she's your husband's sister, she is immediate family!

But not family enough to be arsed to turn up to their Christening.

I get annoyed at being told by my MIL that my SIL is family and my DC's aunty and should be given consideration every time we do anything. My SIL has not once ever taken my DC out, or offered to babysit them but regularly asks us to do massive favours for her. If I had an emergency, I would ask some of my DC's friends parents and they would willingly help me out, I wouldn't ask SIL. They also know my DC better than my SIL and have spent more time with them.

She probably won't come anyway. I find it hard not to take personally that she has zero interest in them but still wants to be included when it suits her.

She is your child's aunt, not her mother or grandmother. Wanting to be included when it is convenient for her is fine for an aunt in my opinion.

Inviter her, don't be surprised if she doesn't come.

It's fine that you don't like her. However, your DH has said he'd like to invite her so I think you should probably invite her.

BUT your DH can do the inviting, not you. Why should that responsibility fall to you? She's not your family, she's your DH's family. Tell him fine DH, she can come but you will be making arrangements with her, not me.

I imagine she’s younger than you and hasn’t got kids. She’s probably not remotely in the baby zone. Not everyone’s into babies. That’s okay. You can’t expect everyone to be as excited about them or understand what childbirth or how utterly grueling life with babies is until they’ve been there themselves.

I think that turning up the moment you had your baby and disregarding your injuries was very insensitive, but the fault lies with DH for not telling them all to piss off and let you rest and bond with your child. You are blame-shifting there.

Good lord, my sisters invite me to everything even though they know I probably won't go. They don't stop being my family because I don't want to join in all the family events. You are being very petty, are you going to ban her from everything for ever now? Just because she didn't come to the christening?

I felt the same.

I invited my family to DS' first birthday. I didn't invite SIL because she's made zero effort and cancelled spending last Christmas with us because she got a better offer.

You can't pick and choose:

DH's family came the day DS was born despite my awful birth injuries.

Did you tell them not to come?

You know she probably won’t come, so this isn’t about not wanting her there. You want to make a point of not inviting her. Is it really worth the hassle?

[quote babybrain77]@Aprilx I'm actually pretty equal minded on this front. DH's family came the day DS was born despite my awful birth injuries. But I also don't necessarily believe that fair equates to equal. My family have always shown a lot more interest (and are a lot more helpful) than DH's, so treating them the exact same doesn't make sense to me.[/quote]
Agree