Dh thinks I'm lazy

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Currently on maternity leave. 2 DC, a 6year old and baby who is 6 months. We Both normally work full time and I will be returning to full time work next month. I have an office based job so usual 8 - 4 ish hours. Dh works shifts, mainly nights but some days as well.

When I had dc1 I suffered with post natal anxiety, which I have now discovered was driven by the pressure I put on myself. I constantly worried about whether I had done enough with DC, gone to enough baby groups, done enough housework to keep dh happy, spent enough time with dh. It got worse when I went back to work as I tried to over compensate as dc went to nursery. After some therapy I'm now a lot better and we have gone on to have dc2.

This time, I've tried to take the pressure off myself and have had far less anxiety. Covid means there are no baby groups so that has helped a bit. But also if the house isn't the tidiest, or I've missed a day of doing some washing I've not beat myself up over it. I've also gone out more than I did with dc1, helped by one of my friends being off the same time as me.

Because dh is still working, the majority of the day to day housework falls to me (laundry, cleaning, dishwasher etc) as well as the majority of the school runs for dc1. I also look after all of the household finances and general admin.

All night wakings fall to me as dc2 doesn't settle for dh plus with him working nights he's rarely here anyway.

But because I haven't spent my maternity leave deep cleaning the house and tidying rooms all day every day, DH has accused me of being lazy. That I should have been getting the house sorted and instead of spending dc's naps with him either sleeping on me or me also having a quick nap once the jobs are done I should be cleaning or de cluttering etc.

If I have left something out on the side to deal with or put away later then got distracted and forgot about it, it's not good enough and DH has moaned about it. But it's OK for him to leave his dirty work clothes on the bedroom floor the whole week he works nights.

I can now feel my anxiety that I had last time coning back, on how I am going to be able to do everything when I go back to work as I know when I do he won't offer to help with anything as I will be largely wfh so he will see it that I can carry on doing everything.

Not sure what I'm after here, just needed a rant I think !

OP this is totally unacceptable. But I think you know that. I’ve got no advice really other than to just stand up for yourself.

I think you need to seek some couples/relationship counselling or a divorce.

Hi there apologies for straight talking but your dh is a a dick, he has no idea of how hard it is

He's a nasty twat

He is clearly causing you anxiety OP and the fact that even when you will be working it will be the same and he will expect you to do bits whilst leaving his

A serious chat is needed first and then decisions made from there. Counselling as well might help

Eh?
How can you only need a rant?
You've just detailed that your husband is a complete arsehole.

He needs to stfu. Your job is looking after the dc. He lives in the house so he can help tidy it.

Go out leaving him with the baby and suggest he cleans the house. Come back at bedtime and see how he's done. Repeat.
He won't get it until he's tried it himself.

Maternity leave is for looking after your baby, not for creating an immaculate home.

The twat you are living with is causing your anxiety. He is treating you like a skivvy, stop pandering to him & make him pull his weight!

Frankly I'd leave the obnoxious twat!

I think you need a system like flylady which will ensure you can get stuff done without feeling stressed and manage your time better. There's a balance between being laid back and not getting much done and being a perfectionist about things and getting anxious. Fly lady system allocates different days for different tasks. I find it helps me stay on track . However a 6 month old baby is very young. Its really only until baby is a bit older you can get properly organised as they need you so much. Your husband should be more patient and understanding and obviously not leave his clothes lying around.

He is the one making you ill. Stop blaming yourself.

You need to do more than just rant but remaining in such an appalling situation.

My partner is also really lazy, and basically does nothing around the house or for any of the kids, but he would never moan if I hadn't spent my days cleaning. He knew better.
Ask him if he would like you to end up ill again.

Tell him if he wants a housekeeper pull his socks up so he can afford to hire one!

Why does he think you can do things around the house when you are working?

Why does he not think he needs to do his share of parenting and housework?

How much leisure time do you both get?

I don’t think you had anxiety I think you have a twatty husband.

@Mistyplanet I understand that you're trying to offer helpful coping strategies, but I'm not sure they're helpful in this instance. The OP has already said that her anxiety is caused by pressure put on herself, not by struggling with logistics or practicalities. While I'm sure it wasn't intended that way, your post comes across a little like "maybe if she tried harder, or worked smarter", or maybe it's just me reading it like that, I hope so.

OP, if you haven't already, I think you maybe need a VERY frank discussion with your DP, that his comments are very disparaging, and that right now you need his support.

If he doesn't get why it's hard, then offer a "learning opportunity" you go out for a day to "network" and "improve on your CV" ready for re-entering "his world of paid work" and he can look after the DC, do the days laundry, the days cooking. the days washing up, plus one extra weekly task (food shop, strip wash and change all beds, clean the bathrooms etc etc) Surely this will be majorly beneficial to you both?

No wonder your anxiety is returning, everything seems to be falling on you and it shouldn’t be. What does he do at home?

Op, it's very hard to resist the mother is martyr role, as the world seems to revolve around it. Maybe that's what's causing you anxiety, because that is no role for any body with a life of their own.
Put your foot down, but he probably won't get it. Divorce and 50/50..? Then he'll know what it's like.

I think you need to sit him down and say exactly this, or write it down and send it in an email if you think you’ll get upset and tongue telling him
Definitely recommend some KIT days where he is in charge of baby and house all day and see how he gets on

Didn't even get past the first sentence before I decided your husband is a dickhead.

Divorce this prick and your anxiety will disappear.

This man is damaging you.

When you went back to work between DC1 and this maternity leave, how was house stuff abe childcare shared?

You definitely shouldn’t be feeling guilty or having ANY pushback about the house whilst on maternity leave from your DH. He’s bang out of order on that.

But you need a strategy for the future, so working out how things need to be when you go back to work is the key thing to focus on. And he’ll have to pull his weight.

Tell him to fuck off.

Leaving something on the side to deal with later is absolutely fine, unless it’s literally a pile of shit.

If he’s that bothered he can deal with it himself.