Dh thinks I'm lazy

[Notimetosleep87]

Currently on maternity leave. 2 DC, a 6year old and baby who is 6 months. We Both normally work full time and I will be returning to full time work next month. I have an office based job so usual 8 - 4 ish hours. Dh works shifts, mainly nights but some days as well.

When I had dc1 I suffered with post natal anxiety, which I have now discovered was driven by the pressure I put on myself. I constantly worried about whether I had done enough with DC, gone to enough baby groups, done enough housework to keep dh happy, spent enough time with dh. It got worse when I went back to work as I tried to over compensate as dc went to nursery. After some therapy I'm now a lot better and we have gone on to have dc2.

This time, I've tried to take the pressure off myself and have had far less anxiety. Covid means there are no baby groups so that has helped a bit. But also if the house isn't the tidiest, or I've missed a day of doing some washing I've not beat myself up over it. I've also gone out more than I did with dc1, helped by one of my friends being off the same time as me.

Because dh is still working, the majority of the day to day housework falls to me (laundry, cleaning, dishwasher etc) as well as the majority of the school runs for dc1. I also look after all of the household finances and general admin.

All night wakings fall to me as dc2 doesn't settle for dh plus with him working nights he's rarely here anyway.

But because I haven't spent my maternity leave deep cleaning the house and tidying rooms all day every day, DH has accused me of being lazy. That I should have been getting the house sorted and instead of spending dc's naps with him either sleeping on me or me also having a quick nap once the jobs are done I should be cleaning or de cluttering etc.

If I have left something out on the side to deal with or put away later then got distracted and forgot about it, it's not good enough and DH has moaned about it. But it's OK for him to leave his dirty work clothes on the bedroom floor the whole week he works nights.

I can now feel my anxiety that I had last time coning back, on how I am going to be able to do everything when I go back to work as I know when I do he won't offer to help with anything as I will be largely wfh so he will see it that I can carry on doing everything.

Not sure what I'm after here, just needed a rant I think !

If a mother never did any house work and just minded the children she would be an extremely busy woman, it is so hard sometimes---- with children in a house there really is no such thing as saying you have everything done as itsca continuous cycle

Im just so sad for you having to deal with this.

OP, I have one child. When I was on maternity leave, I did nothing at all apart from look after him and occasional laundry. And write a book.

Basically everything in your life would be better if he wasn’t there.

My DH has literally NEVER said anything like that to me. Never. In 16 years.

I don't mind this as it gives me some time with thr dc

And when is his time with DC?

@DelphiniumBlue

Go out leaving him with the baby and suggest he cleans the house. Come back at bedtime and see how he's done. Repeat. He won't get it until he's tried it himself.

Yes, this. But he might not fully get it until you've done this every day for 6 months....

My DH has literally NEVER said anything like that to me. Never. In 16 years.

Mine did it once. Probably about a month after my daughter was home from NNICU, we were both knackered and he came home late from work one day and I hadn’t started dinner and I told him he needed to cook. This was not at all unusual, he does most of the cooking generally, but I can only assume he was hangry that day and made some comment about him working hard and me being at home. I told him to fuck off with his “who is working harder” top trumps and go and cook dinner. He did and as we ate we talked about how difficult we were both finding this part of it and hoped it would get better soon.

Your DH is a dick and I suspect your anxiety derived from him, and the pressure was not put on you by yourself, but by him. What a wanker.

Wait until your "D"h has a weeks holiday then bugger off for that week leaving him with the kids.
When you come back to complete chaos tell him next time he criticises you it will be permanent.
Who the fuck does he think he's talking to?

It isn't the 1950s

At least in most families in the 1950s the woman only had to look after the house and the children. Here we have a man who is happy to have his wife work a fulltime job AND do all the housework and childcare.

Op , buy the fucker a pair of marigolds and tell him to get cleaning
What a prick

Wow. I'm shocked at your husband's attitude. He wants you deep cleaning on your maternity leave?

No wonder you're anxious. Your husband is a dick.

He is treating you like a slave.

I hope you can wake up and see what is happening here.

The person who should be holding you up & making you stronger is actually the person holding you down & making you anxious

Does he ever look after the kids?

Work out how many hours of free time you have in a week then Work out how many hours of free time he has in a week (free as in to use how he/you like so playing football counts as his free time). Discuss it with him & work out how you can equalise the time (you may not be able to but it's something to work towards) - if he thinks his time is more valuable/important that yours you need a bigger discussion

Literally don't know how anyone lives with dickheads like this, you don't have postnatal anxiety you have a shit head partner.

Echo what others have said. Leave him with baby and/or both children for the day and see how much cleaning he manages to do at the same time. I bet it's not much. DP had a couple of rumblings as to why aren't things tidier whilst I was on mat leave. After a couple of days trying to do it all himself, he realised what its really like.

We now agree that the only "expectations" for whoever's home with DC is that a load of washing is put on, and that person decides what's for dinner and makes sure it's in.

You need to prioritise your own free time as much as you seem to prioritise your partner's. So go to the gym/swimming and then meet a friend for a coffee. If he can't see how much happier you would be after some time to yourself then some thing is really really wrong with how he values you.

@Coyoacan

It isn't the 1950s

At least in most families in the 1950s the woman only had to look after the house and the children. Here we have a man who is happy to have his wife work a fulltime job AND do all the housework and childcare.

Sorry Coyoacan, but imo your attitude that "At least ....1950's ....ONLY .....house and children .......... ." is nearly as bad as the OP's (D)H.

It is not "ONLY", never was "ONLY", and while attitudes like this remain, it never will be "ONLY".

In the past - mainly 1980's - I have been both a SAHM and a working Mum (at different times obviously), and I can say that for me, being a working mum was in many ways - not all - actually easier than being a SAHM. As a working mum the biggest benefit to me, apart from the extra money, was that I got to be out of the house 5 days a week - just like my DH - so I got to see and interact with other adults for 5 working days a week. I also partly shared the cooking with my DH (he would cook more at the weekends and me during the week), he did the majority of getting the youngest to bed, and he did a bit more of the housework, but to be honest I still did the majority of that myself (I never said our marriage was perfect!).

However, when I was a SAHM while the children were still babies and toddlers, I did virtually all of the childcare, housework, and gardening. To be fair to my DH, I probably just expected to do it (it was what had happened in my house when I was a child and my mum was a SAHM, well I don't recall my DD doing any of those things, ever, apart from mowing the lawn. But he did take care of the car and it's engine, and did some DIY, but not much), so I didn't ask my DH for help, and he didn't offer ... But with most of the household being at home when I was a SAHM, the house got a lot messier, more meals needed cooking (I did home baking as well), and I cooked or prepared all the meals from scratch, and then I usually did most of the washing up too (we didn't get the pleasure of a dishwasher until the children were much older!) so I found being a SAHM, quite a bit harder than being a working mum. Therefore I find your "only" quite insulting really, but I don't suppose you meant it to be.

I believe that my apologies are due to you now OP, having been riled by a pp's comment, I forgot to actually speak to you!

I haven't really got anything else to add that is different to most of the other pp's on here. Your ()H is treating you appallingly, and if he or you can't or won't attend marriage guidance, then I think you should seriously consider leaving him. He doesn't sound like he has any respect for you at the moment, and if that is the way he "loves" you, do you really want to spend the rest of your life being "loved" like that?

What a fucking life-drain that man is. Sorry you picked him OP.

But with most of the household being at home when I was a SAHM, the house got a lot messier, more meals needed cooking (I did home baking as well), and I cooked or prepared all the meals from scratch, and then I usually did most of the washing up too

Very true it's all very monotonous

I honestly think men don't understand what it's like to be with a child all the time and how draining it is. I remember my husband being a bit like this and then the one day he had our daughter when she was a baby he tried to prove it was possible by cleaning the house top to toe and while he was putting the laundry away our daughter fell off the bed and he called me crying and he never said again to me again. Can you get away yourself for the day and leave me to it don't put anything out of lay out clothes just go and let him handle it I don't think he gets it. Sending you all the love xxx

He sounds like an inconsiderate and unpleasant man.

I would tell him if he doesn't like how you keep the house whilst on mat leave, perhaps he should fuck off and find somewhere else to live.

The only way is to go out for the day or preferably for the weekend and leave him in the shit with a big list of things to do.

My dh has never said anything like this to me. I’m not a well person and don’t work due to poor health. He says nothing if I haven’t made dinner for him (I feed dd and me but he doesn’t always want our food). He cooks it and often clears up after me.

He is being really mean to you. A lot of what you have described is just nasty, selfish behaviour.

When he is on nights and trying to sleep during the day I can't use the washing machine/dishwasher/hoover as it wakes him up. He can be trying to sleep from anything from 6am to 6pm so it limits what I can do anyway. He will come down for lunch at some point so I have an hour window to go and chuck a wash on or do something noisy before he then tries to go back to sleep

Just do it anyway, your sleep is interrupted by night feeds, it shows him how difficult it is to focus during the day without a full nights sleep.

Also how the hell does he expect you to get a clean house if you can’t use any appliances. Not saying you should be doing it anyway but it sounds like you couldn’t even if you wanted to.