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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh thinks I'm lazy

99 replies

Notimetosleep87 · 05/11/2021 21:15

Currently on maternity leave. 2 DC, a 6year old and baby who is 6 months. We Both normally work full time and I will be returning to full time work next month. I have an office based job so usual 8 - 4 ish hours. Dh works shifts, mainly nights but some days as well.

When I had dc1 I suffered with post natal anxiety, which I have now discovered was driven by the pressure I put on myself. I constantly worried about whether I had done enough with DC, gone to enough baby groups, done enough housework to keep dh happy, spent enough time with dh. It got worse when I went back to work as I tried to over compensate as dc went to nursery. After some therapy I'm now a lot better and we have gone on to have dc2.

This time, I've tried to take the pressure off myself and have had far less anxiety. Covid means there are no baby groups so that has helped a bit. But also if the house isn't the tidiest, or I've missed a day of doing some washing I've not beat myself up over it. I've also gone out more than I did with dc1, helped by one of my friends being off the same time as me.

Because dh is still working, the majority of the day to day housework falls to me (laundry, cleaning, dishwasher etc) as well as the majority of the school runs for dc1. I also look after all of the household finances and general admin.

All night wakings fall to me as dc2 doesn't settle for dh plus with him working nights he's rarely here anyway.

But because I haven't spent my maternity leave deep cleaning the house and tidying rooms all day every day, DH has accused me of being lazy. That I should have been getting the house sorted and instead of spending dc's naps with him either sleeping on me or me also having a quick nap once the jobs are done I should be cleaning or de cluttering etc.

If I have left something out on the side to deal with or put away later then got distracted and forgot about it, it's not good enough and DH has moaned about it. But it's OK for him to leave his dirty work clothes on the bedroom floor the whole week he works nights.

I can now feel my anxiety that I had last time coning back, on how I am going to be able to do everything when I go back to work as I know when I do he won't offer to help with anything as I will be largely wfh so he will see it that I can carry on doing everything.

Not sure what I'm after here, just needed a rant I think !

OP posts:

bluedomino · 05/11/2021 21:54

Is he police? They become very misogynistic once you have a baby and think they are too important to do "wifework". Put your foot down now as it will only get worse.

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2021 21:59

the majority of the day to day housework falls to me (laundry, cleaning, dishwasher etc) as well as the majority of the school runs for dc1. I also look after all of the household finances and general admin.

Even if he’s on nights he can do the dishwasher, organise an online shop & meal plan, sort out laundry etc.

WFH 8-4 doesn’t mean you’re available to do domestic work. You need to spell that out if he doesn’t get it.

Notimeforaname · 05/11/2021 22:00

I agree with the majority op. Tell him to piss off and if he wants things cleaner, to use his own two hands

whitehorsesdonotlie · 05/11/2021 22:02

Gosh, I wonder why you had PND first time round???

What a nasty twat your h is. What does he say when you point out his mess?? Tell him he caused your PND last time and you won't have it again this time.

Then think really hard about what you want out of life...

Squeezita · 05/11/2021 22:06

He’s an arsehole.

And you need to set him straight now that WFM = work so he will need to do his 50% of housework and childcare.

Don’t do it for him, let it sit.

nomoneytreehere · 05/11/2021 22:07

Tell him to fuck off. Honestly really do.

Tiddlypompadour · 05/11/2021 22:13

He is single-handedly destroying your mental health @Notimetosleep87. Just think about that for a moment.

SarahAndQuack · 05/11/2021 22:14

Turn it right back round on him.

He is only working one full time job. You are caring full-time for a 6 month old baby, which all professional childcare settings will agree is a one-to-one full time job. You are also caring for a six year old. And you have done some housekeeping on the side.

He is clearly the lazy shite here. If you are required to do more than one full time job, he needs to step up and do some extra hours too.

Otherwise, he could consider paying for a nanny who'd accept round-the-clock care for a small baby, plus looking after a six year old, plus keeping the house spotless. He will find this is not a service anyone offers, and he'd have to pay at least two people full time wages to get anything like what you do.

JeremiahStanding · 05/11/2021 22:14

Well as it is so easy he can take a couple of days holiday from work and do everything he expects you to do with both children, plus all the housework which will leave him time to put his feet up too.

He is being a complete arsehole and he needs to step up as a parent. You are on maternity leave, your body is recovering from growing a child inside you and if he is unhappy with the housework he knows where the kitchen is.

I say this as a long term SAHM with a Dh who actually never expected any of this from me but then he did do a lot of one to one with our children or had both of them on weekends or evenings so totally understood how time consuming children are.

Original poster

Notimetosleep87 · 05/11/2021 22:27

Thank you for all the replies. They mean a lot.

To answer a few questions:

Before I went on maternity everything pretty much still fell to me. I wfh from March 2020 (like a lot of people) and dh doesn't really get the concept of wfh as he is unable to do it in his job. So I would be flat out working, call after call, and he would complain that I didn't stop to have lunch with him or take a break to put some washing on. This was also whilst trying to home school dc1 which also seemed to fall to me.

He does cook dinner, but that is because when he isn't on nights he insists on a proper dinner (he's a meat and vegetable dinner person) whereas I'm more about making sure we have had something hot but it could be pasta or anything quick somedays

When he is on nights and trying to sleep during the day I can't use the washing machine/dishwasher/hoover as it wakes him up. He can be trying to sleep from anything from 6am to 6pm so it limits what I can do anyway. He will come down for lunch at some point so I have an hour window to go and chuck a wash on or do something noisy before he then tries to go back to sleep.

He goes to football every weekend, he always has done even since before we were together. I don't mind this as it gives me some time with thr dc (which usually involves taking them to various activities/parties etc) I don't really have any hobbies so don't get any free/leisure time. I have asked recently to go swimming/gym when he is around but for various reasons it's just not happened.

OP posts:

SarahAndQuack · 05/11/2021 22:29

I'm sorry but he sounds really unkind to you.

Have you ever talked to him about this stuff? Or what do your/his friends do?

It isn't the 1950s and it is not normal to behave like this - if he hasn't realised that then he needs to!

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2021 22:32

You need to spell it out.

I am working 8-4, in my hour’s lunch break I’m having a screen break and eating NOT doing domestic stuff any more than YOU are on your lunch breaks.

Equal leisure time is the goal.

You shouldn’t need to for domestic life round his shifts.

He should try to contribute to domestic life despite his shifts.

There will probably be some rows! But you have to get your point across. Or you’ll be resentful and cross and tired and fall out of love…

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2021 22:38

Great. He’s on meal-planning duty, then. He can check in with you what you want to cook on the days when he’s at work (pasta etc) and add it to the list, and he can plan to cook the rest of the meals. He can organise the shopping and get it delivered when he can unpack it.

Don’t do shit when he’s on shifts. Just - don’t. Figure out a different system - why are you putting a wash on in your lunch break or running the hoover round if he’s ALSO having a lunch break (from sleeping! )

timeisnotaline · 05/11/2021 22:38

So he’s a selfish lazy twatface and you wonder why you’re feeling depressed. Working from home is working. Can you just walk out on a weekend morning to take some time to yourself? And psych yourself up to explain you won’t be doing everything when you are working, you will be working. Keep your salary since he doesn’t count it as working he won’t expect you to earn money from it. Run the washing machine whenever the fuck you like and say I’m being as considerate as you are, mr toss my shirts on the floor for the housewife to collect and mr never help with baby at nights.
If you can’t find a new normal where he steps up the relationship is doomed. Given he was a selfish twat before you had children the odds are not great.

RandomMess · 05/11/2021 22:42

Why are you still with the lazy selfish misogynistic awful waste of space?

Apart from money what does he add to your life?

Spudina · 05/11/2021 22:42

Goodness OP. Why on Earth are you asking to go to the gym etc. I did the same, so I know it’s easy to fall into the habit, but it was my DH who reminded me that I didn’t need his permission. What you have described sounds abusive. Work towards equal time off. If your DH resists then you really are being abused. Xx

HotPeppasauce2 · 05/11/2021 22:52

I constantly worried about whether I had done enough with DC, gone to enough baby groups, done enough housework to keep dh happy

Your DH needs to pay for a cleaner OP.
Gosh I think from what you have said going back to work full time and having to do all the house work with 2 kids will knock you off track. Could you do part time and your DH needs to pull his weight!

0DAAT · 05/11/2021 23:01

He rests for 12hrs! He needs the Flylady system, a kick in the bum, or both. And he has the nerve to call you lazy!

foreverandalways · 05/11/2021 23:09

Tell him to FUCK THE FUCK OFF...TWAT...😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

dreamingbohemian · 05/11/2021 23:09

OP I'm not sure you realise how deeply abnormal and misogynist he is. You don't need a rant, you need a divorce.

SarahAndQuack · 05/11/2021 23:11

@dreamingbohemian

OP I'm not sure you realise how deeply abnormal and misogynist he is. You don't need a rant, you need a divorce.

Amen.

Ugzbugz · 05/11/2021 23:17

No wonder you have anxiety, sounds like he is the cause.

thepeopleversuswork · 05/11/2021 23:23

@NuffSaidSam

I think you need to seek some couples/relationship counselling or a divorce.

I'd skip the couples counselling and head straight for the divorce.

I'm also pretty sure that the "post natal anxiety" you suffered was as a direct result of being bullied by this twat. You have rightly decided with your second DC to prioritise looking after your child and your own mental health over pandering to his entitlement and he's reacting because you've grown a pair.

Tough. If he can't accept that you have needs and are more than an automaton put on earth to serve him you're better off out of it. As will your DC be.

VillageOf8 · 05/11/2021 23:24

OP, stop tolerating this. Put a stop to it now. It's not too late to do so. You know this isn't the way a man should treat his wife. Women should not put up with men like that for even a minute of their marriage. It's unacceptable.

I'm not blaming you at all so please don't think I am. It's not your fault he's like that. I know it's easy to get caught up in a marriage like that and often times they change after they get married. But don't put up with it any longer.

First step is to tell him what the new division of household chores will be. Any attempts to argue or if he calls you any names at all, then next step is marriage counseling. If he refuses, separate. I know I sound harsh, but what loving husband/father treats their wife and mother of their kids like this? Most husbands do whatever they can to make sure their wives aren't overwhelmed. Your husband should be doing that as well.

If you feel afraid to speak up and put a stop to it, that's your clue to start secretly and safely planning to slowly get out of there.

Hellcat7 · 05/11/2021 23:26

Well said. Let him walk a few days in your shoes.

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