Dh thinks I'm lazy

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Currently on maternity leave. 2 DC, a 6year old and baby who is 6 months. We Both normally work full time and I will be returning to full time work next month. I have an office based job so usual 8 - 4 ish hours. Dh works shifts, mainly nights but some days as well.

When I had dc1 I suffered with post natal anxiety, which I have now discovered was driven by the pressure I put on myself. I constantly worried about whether I had done enough with DC, gone to enough baby groups, done enough housework to keep dh happy, spent enough time with dh. It got worse when I went back to work as I tried to over compensate as dc went to nursery. After some therapy I'm now a lot better and we have gone on to have dc2.

This time, I've tried to take the pressure off myself and have had far less anxiety. Covid means there are no baby groups so that has helped a bit. But also if the house isn't the tidiest, or I've missed a day of doing some washing I've not beat myself up over it. I've also gone out more than I did with dc1, helped by one of my friends being off the same time as me.

Because dh is still working, the majority of the day to day housework falls to me (laundry, cleaning, dishwasher etc) as well as the majority of the school runs for dc1. I also look after all of the household finances and general admin.

All night wakings fall to me as dc2 doesn't settle for dh plus with him working nights he's rarely here anyway.

But because I haven't spent my maternity leave deep cleaning the house and tidying rooms all day every day, DH has accused me of being lazy. That I should have been getting the house sorted and instead of spending dc's naps with him either sleeping on me or me also having a quick nap once the jobs are done I should be cleaning or de cluttering etc.

If I have left something out on the side to deal with or put away later then got distracted and forgot about it, it's not good enough and DH has moaned about it. But it's OK for him to leave his dirty work clothes on the bedroom floor the whole week he works nights.

I can now feel my anxiety that I had last time coning back, on how I am going to be able to do everything when I go back to work as I know when I do he won't offer to help with anything as I will be largely wfh so he will see it that I can carry on doing everything.

Not sure what I'm after here, just needed a rant I think !

My house is permanently a mess. I work part time and on the days I'm off, I spend them playing with my DC or going walks etc. I did not take maternity leave or go part time to clean. I did that to spend time with my baby. I do what I can during the day and the evening, but I fully expect DH to do his share too (which he does). Your DH is utterly unreasonable

[quote MangoBiscuit]@Mistyplanet I understand that you're trying to offer helpful coping strategies, but I'm not sure they're helpful in this instance. The OP has already said that her anxiety is caused by pressure put on herself, not by struggling with logistics or practicalities. While I'm sure it wasn't intended that way, your post comes across a little like "maybe if she tried harder, or worked smarter", or maybe it's just me reading it like that, I hope so.

OP, if you haven't already, I think you maybe need a VERY frank discussion with your DP, that his comments are very disparaging, and that right now you need his support.

If he doesn't get why it's hard, then offer a "learning opportunity" you go out for a day to "network" and "improve on your CV" ready for re-entering "his world of paid work" and he can look after the DC, do the days laundry, the days cooking. the days washing up, plus one extra weekly task (food shop, strip wash and change all beds, clean the bathrooms etc etc) Surely this will be majorly beneficial to you both?[/quote]
This... ^

Please do this... Let him see for himself as obviously words aren't working.... How DARE he say this...

Your post has made me really sad for you...

He's done a real number on you hasn't he....??

Completely emotionally abusive...

Several points :

Your husband and his demands are I think largely at the root of your anxiety....

Who the hell told him he was your BOSS rather than PARTNER??

He seems to think you're a slave rather than a partner.

How much free time do you both have?? I'm sure his is ACRES more than yours.

I'd be giving him ONE chance to up his game...

It's just so ignorant of him to tell you how to manage a workload that he has never managed himself. Do you tell him how to manage his workload and of your disappointment that he's not crowbarring in childcare at the same time?

And of course it's terribly rude and unkind.

Decluttering what, exactly?
Are you especially untidy? Or is he? Or both?
Judging by him leaving his crap around for a week, I reckon he's contributing to the mess

Have you asked what he thinks your maternity leave is for?

Just read your update OP
Jesus

You are the housekeeper. Time to sit down for your annual review

Lol your DH sleeps 12 hours a day when he’s working nights? Pathetic. Tell him to learn how to manage his workload before he criticises you.

Aww OP your posts have made me feel so sad for you - this is no way to live! I am a SAHM and on the (frequent!) days I don’t manage to get any housework done my DH finishes work and I’ll say something like ‘oh God I didn’t even put a wash on today’ and he’ll say ‘are the children alive?’ I’ll say ‘yes…’ and he tells me ‘then you are winning!’. He’s always worked full time and has no real idea what it’s like to stay at home and look after children / try and keep house BUT he’s not a total twat. I’m fact, he’s not even a little bit of a twat. That’s why I married him. That’s the main difference between our lives. You’re married to a total twat.

Why does he think that having a new baby means his life should get easier and he can do less?

I'd tell him to fuck right off! He sleeps all day after a night shift and goes to his hobby at the weekend, leaving you to do EVERYTHING and he thinks you're the lazy one???!!!
And you can't even do anything 'noisy' while the poor little lamb needs his sleep?
Nah. I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out! Prat.

Why do women keep having children with men like this?

Do not have any more children with him. You've made it so difficult for yourself to leave. He's a shit dad and a shit husband. Total misogynist. He just wants a housekeeper he can have sex with. Not a partner.

Leave.

‘D’H is the problem I’m afraid. You ate doing much more than your fair share. Babies, as you know grow up so quick, of course you should let baby sleep on you if you want. Chores will wait.

Yet another man who thinks he can opt out of the housework and childcare because he works FT... forgetting that his wife also works FT

You both work FT, so you split the chores and childcare down the middle. The bar is so low for him atm, that he thinks he's helping by doing a tiny amount. You need to reset expectations and make it clear that when he does a tiny amount, that's not 'helping', it's falling way, waaaay short of what a good partner would do.

As for juggling baby and deep-clean, go away for the weekend and leave him with the kids. See how tidy the house is once you get back.

And take leisure time for yourself. He gets time for football because he insists on it. Do the same for yourself.

You wouldn’t have anxiety if your husband wasn’t such a tit. If he thinks you’ve got time to deep clean the house with a baby and a 6 year old then he definitely does as he’s not looking after them when he’s not working.

Sure SAHP’s should be doing the majority of the domestic chores - but that doesn’t extend to having to a) clean up unnecessary mess your man child of a husband leaves lying around, or b) deep cleaning a house with small kids! (I mean I’m generally of the ‘what’s the point?’ opinion when they’re little anyway, but if he thinks it’s so easy he should be able to do a room an hour over the course of a week, right?)

I don’t think you had anxiety I think you have a twatty husband.

This

Op, in the kindest terms possible, please stop allowing yourself to be a doormat. By letting him to continue treating you in this appalling manner, you are doing nothing more than teaching your children that this is what a "healthy" relationship is like, which it sure as hell IS NOT.

RE: your anxiety.
It's not you. It's him.

I had really bad PND and anxiety with my first and I was the exact same with number one did way too much and it affected my health mentally and physically. DH never complained to me or did anything like that but I have a hell of a temper and would tell him to F*CK off if he did. I suggest you have it out with him. Next time he says something lose it don't hold it in. Tell him does he prefer you mentally ill? And then burn his clothes when he leaves them on the floor. People stop pissing you off when you're a bit nuts 💁🏼‍♀️ but seriously tell him and make him clean up after himself you're his partner not his mother

Your h is the lazy one.

OP what does he do with the children? From what I can see, he’s buying sleep and play with your labour. You will burn out OP.

“ When I had dc1 I suffered with post natal anxiety, which I have now discovered was driven by the pressure I put on myself me by my awful twat of a husband.”

You deserve so much better than this. Look at what you’ve written and imagine it was your friend/relative describing their home life. I don’t know if your dh can change, I doubt it, but I really think your life would be nicer without him.

No wonder you have anxiety.

You sound utterly bullied and ground down by him.

I strongly suggest contacting Women's aid to chat through your situation.

I would imagine it will be enlightening for you.

You are in a potentially abusive relationship.

Mind yourself.

I’m willing to bet your post natal anxiety is in part down to the pressure he’s put on you, even inadvertently.

I would explain to him how this is making you feel. Did he take seriously your mental health???

This was an uncomfortable read OP. This relationship is not good for your MH, he sounds very controlling. Does he have any good points? He sounds very disrespectful towards you. Something needs to change for you asap.

Your husband is a nasty idle bastard. 😡 tell him to fuck off every time he starts. Also, leave the kids with him all day next weekend. He can fuck off with his football. He'll soon see how hard it is. God, I hate men like this. 😡