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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have had enough of being the only one?

78 replies

Huffler · 05/11/2021 12:50

Boyfriend is in hospital. Im self isolating at home as child has tested positive for covid. I am stil being expected by his family to 'look after him' this entails me transferring my friends money (who have never even met my bf) to go buy him pjz toileteries food etc and drop it off at the hospital ward for him. His family are sending me links of stuff to buy online that might help him e.g. pain machines, heated blankets etc and claim they couldnt gt them to him so i should buy it and get it to him? How exactly? Asking me to break the law i dont even have transport. They have not visisted him once or dropped in any belongings hes been in for 2 weeks it has been my friends doing favours for me. Also prior to admission he was covid positive and i had him self isolating at my house. I was out everyday buying pjz, medicines, food and drink as had altered appetite. Im easily out over £250 and im a single parent to two kids. Im just sick of feeling like the buck stops with me when everybody else seems to be sititng on their arses watching me run around and i already have it hard being a single parent to 2 kids, no transport, on universal credit. Theres only so much i can do and im sick of being asked to run around and do things while others sit back. I love my bf of course i wish him better and i will do whatever it takes but its really starting to get to me that me that i seem to be the one having to do all this and i feel guilty asking my friends who also work full time (like myself) and dont even know the guy. Its a relatively new relationship too 6 months. I just feel like his friends or family should be making more of an effort and that it is unfair to expect me to do it all as prior to kids also testing positive i was having to drag them to hospital etc with me to drop bits off pick up washing etc. Aibu? I understand be there for ur partener of course and i have been above and beyond but at some point when does somebody else step in to help too as i cant do it all

OP posts:
ThirdElephant · 05/11/2021 12:54

Say, 'Yeah, that looks really good, and it's so nice of you to think of DP. You can drop it off at the reception of Ward XX.'

3scape · 05/11/2021 12:55

He needs to push his support network on this. He's obviously able to advocate for what he needs/ wants and as you're isolating it's ridiculous that people are expecting you to sort delivery out!

DietCokeChipsAndMayo · 05/11/2021 12:57

Why is he not paying for his own things??
Shouldn’t you be angry at him before anyone else?

Plutonium7000 · 05/11/2021 12:58

Yeah just tell them to take stuff because you can't? Why are you expecting your friends to do this but not his? Just be a bit more assertive

Huffler · 05/11/2021 13:00

To be brutally honest i cant afford for him to be in much longer ive been paying for everything myself. Next week im back and work and have the kids on my days off (they attend nursery on days i work) no family. I agree even things like picking up and doing washing i have to get a bus for 35 mins and its 20mins walk to the bus stop(occasionally raining) also with kids. Dont see why the family or friends cant drive for an hour to do it. Its probably partially him saying 'no its okay' but how can i say to them all im sorry but i cant do much more. I dont want them to think i dont care but at the minute i feel like the only one that does (i know thats not true at all i just mean by doing things organising and buying its getting stressful now)

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/11/2021 13:00

I would be say “no” to most of this. The buck doesn’t stop with you.

Marvellousmadness · 05/11/2021 13:02

Sounds like you should be angry with yourself for paying for all bf's things and not saying no to people...

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/11/2021 13:04

I agree, say no. Most of their suggestions are useless tat. And he doesn’t actually need clean PJs and such...he can wear hospital gowns that the hospital provides. They often even let you double up and wear one backwards like a dressing gown so your backside isn’t hanging out naked on top of one put on required way.

MatildaTheCat · 05/11/2021 13:06

Unless he’s at deaths door surely he can ping you the money he owes you? You must ask him for it.

As for his CF relatives you just say sorry, looks good but I’m not able to help. Presumably he can have deliveries to the hospital? Send them the address.

idontlikealdi · 05/11/2021 13:06

Just say no. If they can send like they can order stuff and drop it off.

idontlikealdi · 05/11/2021 13:07

*links

DelphiniumBlue · 05/11/2021 13:07

You are supposed to be isolating so just say no. After that, just text back, "sorry, no can do."
You've already bought PJs etc. Anyone can order stuff to be delivered to the hospital, no reason why your friends should do that rather than his family.
You can explain that you are a single parent, working, sole responsibility for DC no spare money and no transport, but you don't actually have to explain anything. He's not your responsibility.

Blahdyblahbla · 05/11/2021 13:09

Unless he's in a coma and can't communicate with his family he needs to be told to push this back to them. You've been with him a tomato season, how the fuck is this all down to you?

jagoda · 05/11/2021 13:09

I can't understand why you are doing all this?

Brefugee · 05/11/2021 13:11

Say no. Repeatedly. Block anyone who persists.
Bin the boyfriend?

nanbread · 05/11/2021 13:13

how can i say to them all im sorry but i cant do much more.

You say literally that.

Explain you can't leave the house or afford any more and that you hope they are able to help him.

Then block them / ignore.

mrsm43s · 05/11/2021 13:21

I'd expect someone in a relationship to look after their hospitalised partner before I'd expect friends to do it!

If parents/family are healthy, young enough and local, obviously I expect them to be helping out too. If they're elderly and/or live at the other end of the country, then not so much.

If you were in hospital, would you expect him to look after you?

I don't think its unreasonable to ask him to transfer some money over to you to cover costs if he asks you to get stuff for him. And obviously, its perfectly reasonable to say that when you are self isolating, you're unable to leave home and get things to him.

RampantIvy · 05/11/2021 13:23

Just say no. Easy.

IntemperateSpirits · 05/11/2021 13:25

You've been with him for 6 months? I've gotnstuff in the fridge that's been there longer.

Time to go Zammo on his family - he's your boyfriend not your partner and you don't have the time, money or transport to be their servant.

frazzledasarock · 05/11/2021 13:28

I would not expect to be looking after someone I'd been going out with for six month.

He's got family and what has happened to his money, why isn't he transferring the money to you from his account to pay for his essential needs? And where is he hospitalised the arctic? Why does he need a heated blanket in a hospital will the hospital allow that even?

I'd say no. You don't have the money, you do not have the transport, you are a single parent and you are sick too.

Why are you even entertaining this?

The place has gone mad recently.

MiddleParking · 05/11/2021 13:28

Six months? Jesus. You hardly know the guy. Absolutely inappropriate to be spending loads on him when you’ve got kids, let alone taking them to the hospital to return his washing.

Huffler · 05/11/2021 13:43

@mrsm43s im only getting my friends to do it whilst im self isolating or if im in work several days in a row so cant get in. @frazzledasarock i assume its just the symptoms he gets chils and joint pain quite alot so they thought might help. Ive done it thus far because i felt helpless and useless so i didnt mind at atart but now its becoming too much. There seeing improvement hes not as ill anymore just needing oxygen but i do think i need to say to him now tbh.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2021 13:44

Why isn’t his family doing anything? You’re a single mum on a budget.

Have you asked him to forward the £250 to you?

I’ve gottnstuff in the fridge that’s been there longer Agreed. 6 months is nothing. He’s a boyfriend, not a partner. You’re being taken for a mug.

Zilla1 · 05/11/2021 13:50

Sorry to hear your DP is in hospital and you're having to keep the show on the road with priorities like money and DC. Keep up the good work. In practice, just ignore these idiots. Non-prescribed medication and pain machines and heated blankets will probably make no difference. If in England, your DP should be receiving the prescribed medication he needs as an in patient. It sounds like they are compensating for making no effort (lazy /selfish/arrogant/tight-fisted people always find it easier to tell someone else to do something they could do them self). If anyone says anything negative then you would be within your rights to point out you're keeping the show on the road and need to conserve money to pay bills and prescriptions when he is discharged until he is earning. Or tell them to send things themselves as you have a sick DC to look after. Or tell them they are monumentally insensitive and un-self-aware.

Good luck.

RampantIvy · 05/11/2021 14:03

im only getting my friends to do it whilst im self isolating or if im in work several days in a row so cant get in.

But it isn't your responsibility or your friends. Just say no. He's just your boyfriend, not your husband.