Would this put you off sex or aibu?

[Putoff]

Me and dp havent been having much luck in the bedroom department. It's been pretty much non existent for the past two years. I got pregnant and then we've had dc who has co slept with us most of the way through the year. My sex drive has hit an all time low. I bf, and just mentally and physically have not been feeling my best let alone feeling "sexy". Me and dp barely get out anymore or have any quality time. To me he is dad and I am mum. We arent really sexual beings anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, something very rare happened. I was in the mood! Dp was ecstatic of course as I pounced on him and it was like the good old times. The thing is, with our sex life before, dp has never been able to make me finish. I explained at the start of our relationship about my frustrations that no one I have ever been with has been able to let alone have been bothered to try. I have a list of selfish lovers that were all give and no take. Dp was adamant things would be different with him and at the start he tried. But once he realised it was not easily done (within a couple of minutes) he very quickly gave up and just deemed me "impossible" which helped with my self esteem, NOT. He would always claim he wishes sex would be less one sided for him as he knows I dont really enjoy it but he never actively tries to do anything different. He has quite happily gotten into the rut of getting his some and then leaving me high and dry.

So back to the day I was finally in the mood, I decided to initiate foreplay on him but he finished really prematurely before we could get to having "sex". He then decided to roll over and go to sleep! I told him that I was still in the mood but he just mumbled that he couldnt keep his eyes open and that was that.

The next morning I voiced out my feelings on the night. I told him it was such a rare thing for me to be feeling up for anything and how his selfishness completely deflated what ever little urge I had to try with him again. He then said it was my fault for making him finish too quickly and that when a man "finishes" they arent in the mood anymore. I then told him he didnt need to be in the mood to make his bloody fingers work! He could of just pleasure me because he wanted to return the favour and not everything has to be based on whether he is in the mood or not. It became an argument and eventually apologised and said next time I should just drag out his side of things longer so he doesnt finish and can sort me out.

But I've given him bjs plenty of times when I haven't even been in the mood as I know we arent having sex at the moment so I do it for him. I just feel like he is missing the point. Now I'm off my period I know it will be another month of him trying to get in my pants but I cant get over this incident and I'm just completely put off having sex with HIM.

Aibu or has he been a selfish git?

Yes he's a selfish lover
But you know that already

If all he's doing is foreplay for a few minutes then giving up, he's not a skilled nor generous lover

Hideously selfish. I wouldn't be going near him, frankly. And definitely no BJ's because you feel sorry for him not getting any. That's what his hand's for.

Yes, he is a selfish git. He's also a lazy git. He wouldn't be getting anything else from me, sexually, from now on until he gets his arse into gear and starts giving you some consideration.

He's sexually selfish and he always has been.

He doesn't enjoy your sexual pleasure. Men who do are motivated to learn how to please their partners as they get something out of it too.

He is definitely inexperienced but that doesnt stop someone from being willing to learn and eventually developing skills

That's what his hand's for.

Um... the OP has hands too. If you hadn't had sex for so long it's not surprising he finished so quickly. Can you not both involve a bit of self pleasuring into foreplay etc rather than rely on him to 'make you finish?' I think this also relates to being willing to learn and developing skills (on both sides).

Well on the surface, yes, he is in the wrong. He should be doing everything he can for it to be good for both of you and not just himself, and he should feel quite uncomfortable about being intimate with anyone who obviously isn't liking what's happening, because pleasuring himself by using you when he knows you aren't liking it is wrong and quite gross.

However, when you say he "has tried for two minutes and gives up" what does this involve? Has he literally, way back at the start of the relationship, tried for a few minutes and then given up blaming you and not tried since? Does he try every time but the "moves" he uses don't work? Do you think he's actually tried, or does he seem OK with giving up?

Have you shown him yourself what to do, given instructions, guided him and encouraged him? Do you know what you want him to do and have you told him what it is? Because if you don't know then he is unlikely to be able to work it out either. Then of you do know he isn't psychic and needs telling.

This is important because it could be a case of he really doesn't care, is OK blaming you, and doesn't want to try because he only cares about his own pleasure. In that case you have a bigger problem that won't be easy to fix and if it wasn't for you having a child together it could have put the relationship on the line. But it could be a case of he really just doesn't know what else to try because he's tried all his "go to moves", none of them worked and he got no encouragement that they might work if he'd done them for a bit longer, so is now uncomfortable and is (wrongly, because he still shouldn't blame you) biting back because he feels he's failed, and it makes him feel less of a failure to convince himself it must be you and not him. So, and he'll need to be able to leave his dented pride at the door, if you haven't shown him what you want him do then you need to guide him, give him encouragement when he's doing something right, and get him to agree you don't focus on his body to start with until you are ready yourself.... and if he still refuses I'd be rethinking sex with him, because you aren't there to provide and not receive.

Hmmm, I think the way around this is that he only concentrates on you until you are there (or nearly there). If I jumped straight into touching or doing anything to DH he would always finish first as I take a lot longer. Luckily he doesn’t mind.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You are hilarious! Do you think if I proposed the idea to my partner that he finishes himself of all the time that he would be pleased about it. I think he would tell me it's no different to a wank. Why should I always sort him out but not be able to expect the same from him?

I can finish myself off not a problem. But then why bother having sex with him? The whole point of sex is to pleasure each other. Besides my whole op was about how he did NOTHING for me that night. He literally laid on his backside got a bj then rolled over.

start saying "me first"

@LifesNotEnidBlyton he tried for maybe the first month of our relationship and once she realised he wasnt getting anywhere he stopped. Now he seems OK with never trying. Now and then he will being up how he likes things to be different but he never does anything about it. It's like he likes to just talk the talk without bothering to walk the walk. I think deep down he is fine with how things are as he always comes out satisfied. If my pleasure meant as much to him as he makes it out to be no way could he of carried this on for years.

No more BJs unless he starts making a bit of an effort for you. But he’s got away with being selfish for so long I doubt you’ll get him to change. So I can’t see things improving.

I never found a man who could get me off. Was married, thought sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Never had an orgasm.
I then met a man who blew my world. Multiple orgasms, made me feel like a goddess. Unfortunately time and distance meant our relationship wasn’t to be but there’s no way I’d settle for less now knowing it’s not my issue!

He’s selfish. I was with someone like this and it doesn’t half smack your self esteem to fuck. Going forward I’d be telling him he doesn’t get his until you get yours. My partner always makes sure I’m satisfied before he finishes. You need to tell him exactly what you want/need as he clearly doesn’t have a clue (I hope it’s that and he’s not just being a lazy bugger and putting his needs before yours every time)

Outsource it Op. Because that's the only way you are going to get a selfless lover.

Nah not true that all men don’t want to continue once they’ve gotten off. Unselfish lovers actually enjoy giving pleasure to the other person not just receiving it and being done.

Initiate again but stop before he reaches climax then refuse to engage further.

Taste of his own medicine should bring the message home.

[quote Putoff]@LifesNotEnidBlyton he tried for maybe the first month of our relationship and once she realised he wasnt getting anywhere he stopped. Now he seems OK with never trying. Now and then he will being up how he likes things to be different but he never does anything about it. It's like he likes to just talk the talk without bothering to walk the walk. I think deep down he is fine with how things are as he always comes out satisfied. If my pleasure meant as much to him as he makes it out to be no way could he of carried this on for years.[/quote]
Then if you want the relationship to continue, because it's understandable you would now you have a child but if you didn't then leaving wouldn't have been an overreaction, you can try the "me first" approach. That when you are intimate you don't start on him until you are ready yourself. You've had a few years of him taking this approach, so it's hardly unfair for you to get a turn. Don't start doing something to him that you know will pleasure him enough that only he gets any pleasure.

Tell him you know he's having trouble with finishing too early, so you're going to show him what you want him to do and focus on getting you up to his pace before you start on him. Show him what you know will work if he just does it for long enough, and you can see by his response if you will get anywhere. Because if he refuses amd keeps on refusing every time you try this then you know he really doesn't care about your pleasure amd was only having sex with you for his own pleasure. It is then only up to you whether you leave things as they have been, or stop being intimate with him altogether, because if he really is someone who just diesnt care about you only you know if that is enough for you to stay in the relationship or if actually his thoughts on this reflect his thoughts on more aspects of how he sees you.

[quote Putoff]@LifesNotEnidBlyton he tried for maybe the first month of our relationship and once she realised he wasnt getting anywhere he stopped. Now he seems OK with never trying. Now and then he will being up how he likes things to be different but he never does anything about it. It's like he likes to just talk the talk without bothering to walk the walk. I think deep down he is fine with how things are as he always comes out satisfied. If my pleasure meant as much to him as he makes it out to be no way could he of carried this on for years.[/quote]
I think I wouldn't have stayed in this relationship beyond the first month. It was never going to get better.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

That's what his hand's for.

Um... the OP has hands too. If you hadn't had sex for so long it's not surprising he finished so quickly. Can you not both involve a bit of self pleasuring into foreplay etc rather than rely on him to 'make you finish?' I think this also relates to being willing to learn and developing skills (on both sides).

100% agree! You are being unreasonable too OP and you both need a bit of sex therapy or just sit and talk about this a bit more as adults. You must know what makes you orgasm? Teach him, make it fun and leave his penis alone for quite a while if you need more time to orgasm and you're worried about him finishing quickly. My husband often says - leave him alone for a bit if we're mid way through and he wants to make sure I orgasm first - but then he is fabulously unselfish and we have had many many years of practice and we also talk it though like adults!

Ok so he is a bit of a twat. Get yourself some clitoral stimulating toys he can use on you and say no penetration until he has satisfied you.

I've been with somebody like this, selfish twat.

I have the opposite problem now because my DH is too concerned with me having an orgasm which takes quite a while- whereas due to having lost my sex drive (pregnancy, new baby) I would rather just have the odd "quickie"

Back to you, you shouldn't have to settle. Sex is supposed to be mutually beneficial not one sided. I would stop giving him BJ's for a start until he made MUCH more of an effort.

He should sort you out first if he knows he’s not interested once he’s had his.

He’s ridiculously selfish. I had one like this, was horrible and destroyed my self esteem, it isn’t sexy to have to almost force someone to put effort it. We lasted two years (I was young), these days it would be a month tops before I got rid.

Is he selfish in other areas too?

I posted too soon.

I highly reccomend a Hitachi wand or unbranded similar device, available on Amazon and not that expensive. They are SO powerful. Seriously. If he can bother his arse to use that on you for a few minutes you're guaranteed to orgasm.

Best of luck OP.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

Initiate again but stop before he reaches climax then refuse to engage further.

Taste of his own medicine should bring the message home.

Game playing. Bad idea.

OP, it seems like everything is your responsibility; his pleasure, his interest, his arousal, your pleasure, your interest, your arousal.

Work out what you want. Tell him. His response will tell you immediately what you need to know.

And just on the heading of your OP: it doesn't matter what would put anyone else off. You're not trying to be 'normal'. You're trying to be fulfilled, and that's about you, your preferences, your desires. What makes anybody else happy is irrelevant, and should be to you, and your partner.