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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this put you off sex or aibu?

78 replies

Putoff · 05/11/2021 11:51

Me and dp havent been having much luck in the bedroom department. It's been pretty much non existent for the past two years. I got pregnant and then we've had dc who has co slept with us most of the way through the year. My sex drive has hit an all time low. I bf, and just mentally and physically have not been feeling my best let alone feeling "sexy". Me and dp barely get out anymore or have any quality time. To me he is dad and I am mum. We arent really sexual beings anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, something very rare happened. I was in the mood! Dp was ecstatic of course as I pounced on him and it was like the good old times. The thing is, with our sex life before, dp has never been able to make me finish. I explained at the start of our relationship about my frustrations that no one I have ever been with has been able to let alone have been bothered to try. I have a list of selfish lovers that were all give and no take. Dp was adamant things would be different with him and at the start he tried. But once he realised it was not easily done (within a couple of minutes) he very quickly gave up and just deemed me "impossible" which helped with my self esteem, NOT. He would always claim he wishes sex would be less one sided for him as he knows I dont really enjoy it but he never actively tries to do anything different. He has quite happily gotten into the rut of getting his some and then leaving me high and dry.

So back to the day I was finally in the mood, I decided to initiate foreplay on him but he finished really prematurely before we could get to having "sex". He then decided to roll over and go to sleep! I told him that I was still in the mood but he just mumbled that he couldnt keep his eyes open and that was that.

The next morning I voiced out my feelings on the night. I told him it was such a rare thing for me to be feeling up for anything and how his selfishness completely deflated what ever little urge I had to try with him again. He then said it was my fault for making him finish too quickly and that when a man "finishes" they arent in the mood anymore. I then told him he didnt need to be in the mood to make his bloody fingers work! He could of just pleasure me because he wanted to return the favour and not everything has to be based on whether he is in the mood or not. It became an argument and eventually apologised and said next time I should just drag out his side of things longer so he doesnt finish and can sort me out.

But I've given him bjs plenty of times when I haven't even been in the mood as I know we arent having sex at the moment so I do it for him. I just feel like he is missing the point. Now I'm off my period I know it will be another month of him trying to get in my pants but I cant get over this incident and I'm just completely put off having sex with HIM.

Aibu or has he been a selfish git?

OP posts:

logsonlogsoff · 05/11/2021 12:51

Selfish. He should make sure you climax before anything else and it’s not that difficult! It’s not you - it’s him.

TheFoundations · 05/11/2021 12:56

Oh, and also, I think you'd find it much much easier to get off if you were with a partner who gave a crap about how you feel. You're essentially saying 'I can't seem to have an orgasm with this man who treats me horribly.' That's not you, apart from the fact that you're staying with him and looking to blame yourself. Most people would have trouble climaxing if their partner didn't care.

Daisy829 · 05/11/2021 12:56

Get a vibrator and use it together

TheFoundations · 05/11/2021 12:59

@Daisy829

Get a vibrator and use it together

Missing the point much?

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/11/2021 13:01

Good for you for not just putting up with it.

Your problem is that you've told him very clearly what the problem is, and he doesn't care enough to do anything about it. I'd suggest buying yourself a good vibrator and as mentioned above - no penetration until you have come at least once.

Tailendofsummer · 05/11/2021 13:07

I don't think that poster is missing the point, well one of them anyway - he doesn't know how to do things in a way that will lead to his partner climaxing, so using something that is pretty much a guaranteed climax will get past that hurdle. Then she can see if he does care enough to actually use it.

Tal45 · 05/11/2021 13:10

Can take 20 to 30 minutes for me to get there, never been with any one who didn't think it was worth putting in the effort - even if it was just for their own ego. DH always makes sure whether it's before or after him. If your OH is not in the mood afterwards then he needs to put the effort in before. Tell him no more for him until you get yours - you don't want to be blamed for making him finish too quick..

3scape · 05/11/2021 13:11

Make time. Get him trying out what works for you - until it actually works, two minutes is nothing! Give him some direction and encouragement if he's not used to it.

But. I know a few guys who are quick but they'll still go again. The ones who take ages admittedly may well collapse in a sweaty heap and fall asleep quickly - but he sounds like there's some energy problem there? Is he healthy as I'm guessing he's under 50?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/11/2021 13:17

I think if you've not had sex for so long its not really surprising that he finished so quickly.

But saying that, he seems to be blaming you for this and if he needed to slow down then he could have said or done something to make this happen. If he knows he isn't going to make any effort after he has finished, surely he should make sure that you finish first??

But his 'once a man finishes they lose interest' comment does show he is a bit lazy.

I had a similar situation once. I made sure I finished first (without much help from him). And then I went to the loo...and then declared I was done. Just to show him how shit it was. He got better after that

TheFoundations · 05/11/2021 13:20

@Tailendofsummer

He doesn't care. She shouldn't have to provide prompts and props to play the game of finding out. If he wanted her to be satisfied, he'd have satisfied her.

Franklyfrost · 05/11/2021 13:21

Implement the ladies first rule.

WineIsMyMainVice · 05/11/2021 13:29

@Hankunamatata

Ok so he is a bit of a twat. Get yourself some clitoral stimulating toys he can use on you and say no penetration until he has satisfied you.

Good idea!

Bagelsandbrie · 05/11/2021 13:32

It’s a difficult one because personally if I knew someone was tired and “finished” then I wouldn’t want them to use their fingers on me and watch me, I’d just feel really awkward and like I was under some sort of performance surveillance….! I’d rather just go and wank….! But maybe that’s just me.

KirstenBlest · 05/11/2021 13:38

Hmmm, sex with no climax. I think I'd rather do the washing up

WhatMattersMost · 05/11/2021 13:38

You come first.
You are responsible for your own orgasm, however it happens.

LittleGwyneth · 05/11/2021 13:39

I think that's pretty much unforgivable honestly. And I would forgive a lot.

NutNutmum · 05/11/2021 13:41

OP as others have said you need to ensure that you communicate that you would like to orgasm before he comes.

I think your issue is more about communication and understanding from both sides.

Not having sex for along time he would come early and it is often difficult for some men to prevent a full orgasm once it starts. So on this score he would have likely came even when he realised he was going to ejaculate even if he withdrew. This comes with experience and learning.

Also for men you need to understand some basic understanding of the effect of orgasm and ejeculation of men. Its not as simple as calling him a lazy so and so, thats easy to say if you are not a male.

Research shows that during ejaculation, men release a cocktail of brain chemicals, including norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nitric oxide, and the hormone prolactin. Prolactin represses dopamine, a key chemical in desire and motivation, and is linked both with sleepiness and feelings of sexual satisfaction. It’s thus a de-arouser of sorts, and temporarily decreases men’s desire for sex.

These are very powerful hormones and once he comes yes he will pretty much instantly loose all interest in sex and be very tired, its akin to getting a shot of a tranquilizer. So this is where you have to talk to him and agree that you need to orgasm first before he does and work on this concept.

All is not black and white as some on here would have you believe.

Boatonthehorizon · 05/11/2021 13:43

Men can orgasm a few times, just not instantly. Porn seems to have mystified this, backed up by selfish men. I prefer sex to last few hours and that involves down time and up time :)
In your case he's justifiably excited and comes quickly at first.
No need to stop lovemaking.
Just continue kissing, touching, kissing boobs, going down etc etc. His penis will get erect again in about 30 mins of this then hey voila! More sex. I cant quite believe Im typing this but you can also 'suck them up'. About 20 mins of kissing etc after their orgasm, try another bj JUST until theyre hard again. Then more sex.

Sorry if too much info

justasking111 · 05/11/2021 13:46

Did partners before him do better?

VeryLongBeeeeep · 05/11/2021 13:50

[quote Putoff]@LifesNotEnidBlyton he tried for maybe the first month of our relationship and once she realised he wasnt getting anywhere he stopped. Now he seems OK with never trying. Now and then he will being up how he likes things to be different but he never does anything about it. It's like he likes to just talk the talk without bothering to walk the walk. I think deep down he is fine with how things are as he always comes out satisfied. If my pleasure meant as much to him as he makes it out to be no way could he of carried this on for years.[/quote]
OP, you didn't answer the part of EnidBlyton's question about whether or not you've ever showed him and/or talked about what specifically works for you, rather than expecting him to work it out?

TBH though, it sounds like he is just fundamentally selfish. He might have been inexperienced but if he genuinely cared about your pleasure he would have been keen to learn together what works, and he certainly wouldn't be satisfied with leaving you high and dry after a quick BJ and then off to sleep.

It's possible to turn an inexperienced guy into a great lover but the key is his mindset, he has to want to be able to give his partner pleasure and be open to learning what that takes. It doesn't sound as though your partner has that fundamental sexual curiosity and consideration for you to want to change.

I've been in a relationship with a man who had only ever slept with one woman before me (married young) but despite having a limited repertoire when we first met, he quickly became the most mindblowing lover I've ever had...because he genuinely likes and cares about his partner and her pleasure, is open-minded to trying new things and wouldn't feel completely satisfied himself if I wanted but didn't achieve an orgasm. TMI but the way most guaranteed to get me off is oral, and he'd happily and ungrudgingly go down on me for hours because he gets as much enjoyment from my pleasure as he does his own (and vice versa, TBF) - which is how it should be in a mutually respectful and loving relationship IME. It doesn't sound like you have that, OP, and I'm not sure how much you can hope for improvements if he doesn't really care.

MyButteredBread · 05/11/2021 13:52

I'm lesbian, and have zero interest in sex if my partner isn't enjoying it. I don't see the point in sex, frankly, of she isn't having a good time. I don't understand how anyone could happily treat their partner as a sex toy and not be bothered about her enjoyment. It's baffling.

Op I think it's time to change your approach - whatever that may be. You are unhappy right now and something needs to change. Good luck.

AveryGoodlay · 05/11/2021 13:55

when a man "finishes" they arent in the mood anymore. I then told him he didnt need to be in the mood to make his bloody fingers work! He should know not all men are the same. My partner isn't selfish in bed at all, I'd have left him if he was. After he has finished he often makes me orgasm multiple times because he gets pleasure from my pleasure.

You chose to stay with him a couple of months in when you knew he was selfish in bed. So this will take time to fix and can only be fixed if he puts the effort in.

Show him what you like. Be direct.

However I then told him he didnt need to be in the mood to make his bloody fingers work Isn't good. Neither of you should be forcing yourselves to provide sexual pleasure to the other when you don't want to.

neverbeenskiing · 05/11/2021 13:58

Why would you want to have sex with a man who has consistently demonstrated that he doesn't give a shit about your pleasure? Even when the relationship was in the honeymoon phase he "gave up" trying to make you cum after a few minutes! I'm really not surprised your libido is through the floor, OP. Also if he's lazy and selfish in bed I'd be willing to bet he's lazy and selfish in other areas of life too.

Laus36 · 05/11/2021 14:03

I mean I agree with @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy not that you just finish yourselves off but can’t that be part of it? I enjoy watching my partner touching himself and he also enjoys watching me make myself cum there’s something naughty/exciting about it and can also pick up ideas of what the other person likes/how they like to be touched 🤷🏼‍♀️

Chippymunks · 05/11/2021 14:26

Another one suggesting introducing some toys. use one before, half way through, afterwards, whatever works best for you.

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