Page 3 | Would this put you off sex or aibu?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/11/2021 14:34

It’s a few things:

if he’s not willing to pleasure you when it’s finished, he needs to do it beforehand.
it’s completely unacceptable to leave you unfinished like that. Yes you could finish yourself but that’s not how a loving and mutual sexual relationship works, is it? He should care about your pleasure
it’s pretty horrific to feel like your pleasure is a chore for him and not something he wants to achieve. It’s extremely off putting and selfish and would put me off sex with him.
it’s totally fine that he finished quickly but that’s not the issue.

What a dick.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 05/11/2021 14:37

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KirstenBlest · 05/11/2021 14:43

I think you are missing the point, @ILoveAllRainbowsx

MummySharkDoodoododoo · 05/11/2021 14:49

Have you shown him what you want him to do? Or tried pleasuring yourself during sex to help speed things along for you?
He may not really know what to do if it's really difficult?

todaysdilemma · 05/11/2021 14:57

Well, he's definitely a selfish lover. But you've known this for 10 years and still give him BJs/get him to finish first - so this is a learned habit now for him. Why, btw, have you let him go 10 years without giving you an orgasm during sex?!

What you need to do is stop giving him BJs for one, until YOU'VE come. Show him exactly what you like, how you like it and refuse PIV or BJs until he's done it long enough to satisfy you. Don't tell him off or get angry (as that will just make him defensive and get you nowhere - it's human nature to react that way) but explain calmly what you'd like him to do and say you appreciate it doesn't come instinctively but would like him to learn. For your sake so you can enjoy sex as much as him.For a lot of people, failing at something initially means they have a mental block and refuse to try again. He is obv that way inclined and it's been like this for 10 years, so you're going to have to be firm and assertive to get him to take you seriously.

Women are more complicated sexually so unfortunately it does mean we need to direct more what they do and show them what we like. So be prepared to spend that time with him and not let him give up after a few mins because he's bored.

EchoFallsRose · 05/11/2021 15:00

Give him a copy of ‘She Comes First!’
To answer your question, you’re not unreasonable and yes he’s a very selfish lover and it would put me off sex big time too.

EchoFallsRose · 05/11/2021 15:03

@Putoff

He is definitely inexperienced but that doesnt stop someone from being willing to learn and eventually developing skills

And yes there’s a difference between inexperienced and willing to learn. If he doesn’t practice, he’s never going to learn.

RantyAunty · 05/11/2021 15:08

How selfish.
There was nothing stopping him from going with his hands or mouth just a bit longer for you.
Then he could roll over and go to sleep.

My exH did that to me when I was nearly there like a minute or two more and he just rolled over and said he was done.
I was hurt and then angry.
A bit of my love for him died right then.

tickledtiger · 05/11/2021 15:34

he’s selfish and lazy. It’s easy jizz and roll over vs a few minutes of relatively selfless physical activity and he knows it. None of this “he hasn’t figured it out/been shown yet” excuses.

If it makes you feel better my ex was like this except it only takes me a couple of minutes to finish- I needed it in a position he didn’t really like though so he couldn’t be arsed. And yet he expected such an ecstatic performance from me! Can’t believe I used to put up with it for so long. He definitely showed me how sex could end up a chore.

I don’t blame you for hating it op. Sex is shit if you don’t get to finish.

You’ll probably have to be really blunt with him to make anything change.

SueSaid · 05/11/2021 15:38

Oh op of course it'll be over quickly for him if it's the only contact he's had for yonks.

As others have said take some responsibility and use a sex toy if you struggle to orgasm with just him, then set time apart every week for sex. Pack the 2 yr old off to their own room to sleep and just take time to reconnect or else you'll be another statistic in a failed relationship. Good luck.

Floralnomad · 05/11/2021 15:39

Definitely no more Bjs for him until he starts to make more effort and I totally agree with others saying to look through the Love Honey catalogue or similar and get some toys to try and change things up .

Glassofshloer · 05/11/2021 15:46

Haven’t RTFT but 😕 I mean co sleeping & bfing is naturally going to zap couple time isn’t it? Can you move dc into their own bed now they’re presumably about 1 and a half??

At least then you’ve got more opportunity & can work on it from there.

You can’t be overly surprised that after so long of not getting any he couldn’t keep it going for long. You need to make more time for it & make it a normal thing again, and also buy the items mentioned above.

shouldistop · 05/11/2021 15:50

He has to 'do' you first from now on. Show him how to help you finish (even if that means using a vibrator or whatever) and no more bjs for him until he's making an effort.

Newmumatlast · 05/11/2021 15:55

@Putoff

Me and dp havent been having much luck in the bedroom department. It's been pretty much non existent for the past two years. I got pregnant and then we've had dc who has co slept with us most of the way through the year. My sex drive has hit an all time low. I bf, and just mentally and physically have not been feeling my best let alone feeling "sexy". Me and dp barely get out anymore or have any quality time. To me he is dad and I am mum. We arent really sexual beings anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, something very rare happened. I was in the mood! Dp was ecstatic of course as I pounced on him and it was like the good old times. The thing is, with our sex life before, dp has never been able to make me finish. I explained at the start of our relationship about my frustrations that no one I have ever been with has been able to let alone have been bothered to try. I have a list of selfish lovers that were all give and no take. Dp was adamant things would be different with him and at the start he tried. But once he realised it was not easily done (within a couple of minutes) he very quickly gave up and just deemed me "impossible" which helped with my self esteem, NOT. He would always claim he wishes sex would be less one sided for him as he knows I dont really enjoy it but he never actively tries to do anything different. He has quite happily gotten into the rut of getting his some and then leaving me high and dry.

So back to the day I was finally in the mood, I decided to initiate foreplay on him but he finished really prematurely before we could get to having "sex". He then decided to roll over and go to sleep! I told him that I was still in the mood but he just mumbled that he couldnt keep his eyes open and that was that.

The next morning I voiced out my feelings on the night. I told him it was such a rare thing for me to be feeling up for anything and how his selfishness completely deflated what ever little urge I had to try with him again. He then said it was my fault for making him finish too quickly and that when a man "finishes" they arent in the mood anymore. I then told him he didnt need to be in the mood to make his bloody fingers work! He could of just pleasure me because he wanted to return the favour and not everything has to be based on whether he is in the mood or not. It became an argument and eventually apologised and said next time I should just drag out his side of things longer so he doesnt finish and can sort me out.

But I've given him bjs plenty of times when I haven't even been in the mood as I know we arent having sex at the moment so I do it for him. I just feel like he is missing the point. Now I'm off my period I know it will be another month of him trying to get in my pants but I cant get over this incident and I'm just completely put off having sex with HIM.

Aibu or has he been a selfish git?

Absolute selfish arsehole. And gaslighting you blaming you for his inability to keep control long enough to have a more enduring experience. If my husband finishes first he doesn't just roll over. Your husband is wrong about 'men'

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/11/2021 16:00

@BanditoShipman

He should sort you out first if he knows he’s not interested once he’s had his.

He’s ridiculously selfish. I had one like this, was horrible and destroyed my self esteem, it isn’t sexy to have to almost force someone to put effort it. We lasted two years (I was young), these days it would be a month tops before I got rid.

Is he selfish in other areas too?

Agree with this - the OP should make doing this a condition of any further sexual activities.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 05/11/2021 16:06

It isn't surprising that he finished quickly but it is surprising that he thought it was OK to go to sleep. We have moved on from wham, bam thank you ma'am.

Lotusmonster · 05/11/2021 16:25

He then said it was my fault for making him finish too quickly and that when a man "finishes" they arent in the mood anymore
Errr….this isn’t the case for all men. Why not try sex earlier in the day (not last thing at night), have nap and cuddle and try second goes??

Username817391920384747 · 05/11/2021 16:49

No wonder he finished so quickly if you haven’t had sex for two years… poor sod 😂

OffMyCloud · 05/11/2021 16:56

YANBU, based on what you've written I'd say he's both a selfish and lazy lover (Btw, I was accused of being a lazy/passive lover in the past, and I vehemently denied and argued, but looking back he was right!!).

It's awful to be with someone lazy and selfish like that.

On the positive side, you are being clear about what you want. We need to take care to explicitly state what we want too! Took me a while to learn that sadly.

Tailendofsummer · 05/11/2021 17:04

@Lotusmonster

He then said it was my fault for making him finish too quickly and that when a man "finishes" they arent in the mood anymore Errr….this isn’t the case for all men. Why not try sex earlier in the day (not last thing at night), have nap and cuddle and try second goes??

While I think this is a good idea, I'm guessing the two small children make it every unlikely to happen!

Original poster

Putoff · 05/11/2021 17:08

I feel like alot of posters and missing the point of my thread.

I never held it against him that he finished early. I wasnt surprised that was the case either. My problem is the fact that he then happily rolled over and left me hanging even though he knew I was in the mood. As people said a good healthy sexual relationship should mean getting your pleasure from giving not just receiving. Personally I wouldnt of just been able to let him go down on me and then leave him all night with blue balls.

As I said I can give him a bj when I'm not in the mood simply because I want to pleasure and please him and I dont think it's crazy to expect that back.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 05/11/2021 17:24

It needs to be strictly 'me first' from now on OP.

Holidaytan · 05/11/2021 17:31

My DH always insists on finishing me off if needed - always more than once, as he loves me and it gets him off too.

Chippymunks · 05/11/2021 18:12

I don’t like the feel of intercourse after I’ve climaxed, is that unusual as as lots of posters like ladies first?

billy1966 · 05/11/2021 18:43

I'm gobsmacked you stayed with him when it was clear from the beginning your pleasure was not a priority.

He is very selfish.

I can understand well you having zero interest going forward.

He needs telling, and unusually, not diplomatically.

You sound very generous.