How can you predict if you will like being a parent?

KarmaElBanana · 2021-11-04T09:53:53+00:00

Do you think there are any predictors of whether someone will take to having kids or not? I see a lot of those threads on here where people ask who regrets having kids, and the general proportion is 2/3 don’t regret it, 1/3 do. So what characteristics / circumstances / etc. do you think are predictors of whether someone will take to being a parent or regret their decision? Is there any basis you can use to judge how likely it is to be the path for you? Eg different personality traits / types of temperament / circumstantial aspects of their life?

FreeBritnee · 04/11/2021 09:56

Are you a patient person? Are you someone that has a healthy stable relationship, few money worries, lots of family help and not that bothered about sleeping.

If yes to all the above being a parent will most likely be dreamy.

HugeAckmansWife · 04/11/2021 09:59

No I don't think so. You'll get responses on here all ways round. Most people end up being a very different kind of parent than they thought, either more or less patient, happy or not to play dress up or role play. I thought I'd love being a SAHM but it bored me to tears. Also I didn't anticipate or plan to be a single parent and the relentless nature of that has changed my parenting from what it would have been. It's a shame, as its not really a decision you can undo (unless you're a feckless deadbeat who fucks off and leaves the kids with the other parent) but once they're here you just have to suck it up and do the best you can.

whereisthekey · 04/11/2021 09:59

from seeing me/my friends with kids the happier ones are;

not being introverted and therefore not needing plenty of alone time would be beneficial.

being able to maintain a social life / go back to work to get "yourself" back

Having a support system around you who are happy to help.

Having enough money to afford entertainment/trips/holidays and nursery easily enough without needing to wait until free hours kick in.

Not being too rigid to your routines and able to go with the flow.

Seeline · 04/11/2021 10:01

I don't think it is possible to predict. There are too many variables - your individual personality, your relations ships, the child's personality (including whether there are any additional needs), and then just general crap that life throws at you (relationship breakdowns, work issues, financial issues, family issues etc).

And even if you take to parenthood like a duck to water, there will still be periods (sometimes just a half hour or sometimes much longer periods) when you really wonder whether it was all worth it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/11/2021 10:01

not being introverted and therefore not needing plenty of alone time would be beneficial.

I agree with a lot of what’s been said, but this is a big one that no one ever tells you!

AMistakePlusKeleven · 04/11/2021 10:03

I don’t think you can. I had such a dysfunctional family, a terrible childhood. I’m inpatient, I have mental health problems and on paper I’d make a terrible parent but I love it. Every part of it fills me with joy and I actively enjoy it. I’m not perfect but I try my hardest and I have given them a completely different childhood than I had. My siblings who may have been more suited to children on paper have unfortunately repeated the cycle of being a parent that doesn’t enjoy parenting or life with children.

whereisthekey · 04/11/2021 10:03

oh main one I forgot, having a partner who genuinely helps out 50/50 with life!

Aria2015 · 04/11/2021 10:05

A couple of friends and myself were all pretty unsure about having kids. Tended to focus on the perceived negatives rather than positives and strangely we've all taken to it much better than we thought. On the other hand I have a few friends who were desperate to have kids and were a bit 'rainbows and sunshine' about it all and they were the ones who struggled with it. I've sometimes wondered if it's been about expectations going in? If they're too high or you're only anticipating the good bits, does that make it more likely you'll struggle? Maybe? But that can't account for the long term I wouldn't think as surely people just adjust? I've added more questions to you question haven't I!? Sorry! The answer is, I don't know! 🤣

Vbree · 04/11/2021 10:05

I worried I would enjoy being a parent as I'm quite an introvert and not the most patient person but I love it and can't imagine not being a parent now. Probably helps that my son is quite happy and easy going though.

Vbree · 04/11/2021 10:05

Worried I would not enjoy it I mean!

rrhuth · 04/11/2021 10:07

Disagree utterly about introverts, I'm one and am a very happy parent.

The main things that cause problems are, IMO:

selfishness
lack of flexibility
fixed ideas of how it will be
dislike of mess/chaos

But I don't know if you can know, it hits some people hard.

Briezey · 04/11/2021 10:07

I think it real helps if:

you have a realistic idea about what it involves, e.g. you have been closely involved with children before.
you genuinely like children/find them interesting/enjoy seeing them develop.
you are a reflective and self-aware person.
obviously, you have enough money and support and a decent partner. These are basics imo.

MareofBeasttown · 04/11/2021 10:08

I mostly did not regret being a parent until the last 3 years when DD has developed crippling depression and anxiety. She has had every advantage mentioned here, as have had I. No money worries, plenty of help etc etc.

You can't predict. Sadly. Nobody else in the family has depression so I did not foresee it.

MareofBeasttown · 04/11/2021 10:13

Oh also I did not predict a global pandemic, and neither did many of my friends, who are also finding it hard to parent right now, despite advantages.

HugeAckmansWife · 04/11/2021 10:13

But the money and partner things can change in an instant can't they, so it has also have something to do with resilience, calm and being able to put or keep things in perspective. If you catastrophise and overly fret about all aspects of life / parenting / screen time / diet / school reading level / role in the nativity it makes for a high stress environment. If you can generally keep most of your fucks in a closely guarded bucket and only let one go in serious circumstances it does help.

Hardbackwriter · 04/11/2021 10:16

Being a parent is a million times easier if you have a partner who genuinely does half - I see some of the posts here where people talk about not being able to have a night out for years/never having a lie in/ having no time to themselves/etc and I find it quite hard to fathom how this can be the case with two parents.

People on MN are very insistent that there's no way of knowing of your partner will be shit prior to having children but that isn't my real-life experience - I could have told you very accurately which of my friends or even colleagues it would be who ended up not even being able to have a cup of coffee without bringing all their children because 'Mike works six days a week and then cycles on Sunday' or 'Dave couldn't cope with them both alone, hahaha!'

MareofBeasttown · 04/11/2021 10:17

@HugeAckmansWife I love " keep all your fucks in a closely guarded bucket":) I am trying to do that. But as a parent of 2 young adults, the thing I find most difficult is that I can no longer fix their problems instantly with an icecream or a trip to the park. Now they have big, massive problems that I can't fix easily. Depression. Heartbreak. Uni problems. Collapsing economy. I found it so much easier when they were little, even with the lack of sleep.

Sorry to whinge so much; am having a v hard day and overposting on AIBU. Will go away now.

Hardbackwriter · 04/11/2021 10:23

@HugeAckmansWife

But the money and partner things can change in an instant can't they, so it has also have something to do with resilience, calm and being able to put or keep things in perspective. If you catastrophise and overly fret about all aspects of life / parenting / screen time / diet / school reading level / role in the nativity it makes for a high stress environment. If you can generally keep most of your fucks in a closely guarded bucket and only let one go in serious circumstances it does help.

I really agree with this but I also think it's such an easy trap to fall into. I just posted on a thread about anxiety saying that I have had my (once clinical and severe) anxiety really well managed for years now but I sometimes find it hard that worry is so valorised as a part of motherhood. It's really pushed in many ways that how much you worry about your children is a mark of how much you love them (I find MN particularly bad for this) and that objectively excessive anxiety is 'good mothering'. I have to work hard and draw on my CBT to remind myself that actually worry achieves nothing and that not freaking out about every tiny thing is healthy not a sign I don't care.

Seeline · 04/11/2021 10:24

[quote MareofBeasttown]@HugeAckmansWife I love " keep all your fucks in a closely guarded bucket":) I am trying to do that. But as a parent of 2 young adults, the thing I find most difficult is that I can no longer fix their problems instantly with an icecream or a trip to the park. Now they have big, massive problems that I can't fix easily. Depression. Heartbreak. Uni problems. Collapsing economy. I found it so much easier when they were little, even with the lack of sleep.

Sorry to whinge so much; am having a v hard day and overposting on AIBU. Will go away now.[/quote]
I think this is very important. Parenting is a lifetime commitment.

Your child(ren)'s needs change daily, monthly, yearly. Your ability to provide for those needs will change too. THat can have a massive impact on whether you 'like' being a parent.

Mine are late teens/ early 20s now. I found the early years so much easier as a parent.

DeepaBeesKit · 04/11/2021 10:27

Selflessness is key imho
Generally the people i know who are happiest with kids are the ones who were ready & willing to put children's needs ahead of their own preferences for a few years, and were prepared for having far less time & money for their own hobbies etc.

Chasingaftermidnight · 04/11/2021 10:34

I don’t think you can because there are so, so many variables. There are a few factors that people have mentioned that make it more likely you’ll enjoy it (patience, money, time, a partner who pulls his weight, etc). But they aren’t guarantees.

Also, parenthood is an ever-changing journey. I hated being the parent of a newborn. I mostly love being the parent of a toddler, although I didn’t like it that much at 5.15 this morning. Will I enjoy being the parent of a pre-schooler, primary-age child, tween, teenager, young adult? I honestly don’t know because I have no idea what challenges those stages are going to hold.

RealMermaid · 04/11/2021 10:39

Do you like spending time around kids? Seems wildly obvious but I'm often surprised that prior who don't like kids or have spent very little time around them are then very shocked that they don't love parenting...

MareofBeasttown · 04/11/2021 10:45

@RealMermaid

Do you like spending time around kids? Seems wildly obvious but I'm often surprised that prior who don't like kids or have spent very little time around them are then very shocked that they don't love parenting...

I don't like other people's kids. I like my own.

whosaidtha · 04/11/2021 10:49

I agree with lots of this. Partner pulling their weight is essential.
I think temperament of the child plays a massive part.
Also if you are a perfectionist or put pressure on yourself. You can't do that as a parent because you can't be perfect all the time. No one is.

Vbree · 04/11/2021 10:49

@RealMermaid

Do you like spending time around kids? Seems wildly obvious but I'm often surprised that prior who don't like kids or have spent very little time around them are then very shocked that they don't love parenting...

I don't particularly like other people's children. Love my own!