How can you predict if you will like being a parent?

[KarmaElBanana]

Do you think there are any predictors of whether someone will take to having kids or not? I see a lot of those threads on here where people ask who regrets having kids, and the general proportion is 2/3 don’t regret it, 1/3 do.

So what characteristics / circumstances / etc. do you think are predictors of whether someone will take to being a parent or regret their decision? Is there any basis you can use to judge how likely it is to be the path for you? Eg different personality traits / types of temperament / circumstantial aspects of their life?

Your own upbringing is a big predictor.

While of course there are exceptions I'm sure. Generally parents who struggle did not have a great experience growing up / ongoing support system. Not even one providing childcare but being there as extended family.

Honestly. I see this over and over. Those from happy solid families are happy solid adults who make happy solid marriages and brilliant parents. Because they had a good model and support.

There are exceptions and I much admire those who pull it off have historical relational trauma , abuse and more. Wish I was one of them....

I'd also say when both parents have the experience I've mentioned so much the better.

Do you love you partner? Is he a nice man, a good man, a decent person with values similar to yours? Will he be a positive role model to your children, and show them what a good man looks like? Will he stick around to help you raise your child, will he contribute financially and be an emotional support to you all?
Even if your relationship doesn't work out in the end, would you be able to co-parent and be on good friendly terms until your children reach adulthood, until with all the financial, physical and emotional support that will be needed to get your children through to adulthood happy and healthy?

Your choice of Father will determine whether you enjoy parenting, it will also determine your relationship with your children and could potentially cause a lot of negative emotions such as resentment and frustration with them but a lot of people will never ever admit to that.

This also works the other way round, absolutely, so men, beware pick the Mother of your children very very carefully.

Be careful who you chose to have a child with.

Do you find children overrated and irritating? If yes, then I'm afraid you won't change, no matter how much you tell yourself it'll be different with your own. (You can find other redeeming features, but I think this is pretty much the bottom line.)

I think it helps if you have some experience of being around babies and have realistic expectations about what parenting will involve.

Agree @FigureofEight. People who were themselves raised well basically choose good partners and have the personal capabilities to manage parenting. Me and my DP started out doing very badly because we didn't know how to be parents and also had personal limitations as a result of our upbringings. We have improved a lot through effort, reflection etc. but someone with a solid upbringing would be starting from a much better place.

Before I got pregnant with my DC I never wanted to be a mother, because my own was cold, neglectful and didn’t protect me from her abusive partner. I am also not a kids person.
Then I had DS and the love I feel for that child made my heart feel full for the first time. The relationship was emotionally and financially abusive. I was young enough having him so wasn’t financially secure. It wasn’t an ideal start to being a mother, but somehow it all worked out and DS is such a happy boy.
I am pregnant with my second child now with a partner who has been so supportive and loving. It’s a very different pregnancy because I am financially secure and the relationship is very solid. Sometimes everything can be wrong on paper but somehow work out. Just like sometimes everything can be right on paper and not work out so great.
I think you have to be okay with putting another persons needs above your own. If you can’t then you just can’t be a good parent.

I don’t like being a parent because I’m a lone parent my ex has nothing to do with the kids and I didn’t plan them alone so it’s very tough also my oldest 2 have autism so that makes being a parent even harder again not something I could have predicted (no autism in mine or exes family)

link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s42844-021-00036-8

I think this is quite interesting. I’d agree with the idea that the more adverse childhood experiences you had the harder you have to try as a parent. I know my own instinctive reactions are often not right and have to work at course correcting.

@whereisthekey

from seeing me/my friends with kids the happier ones are;

not being introverted and therefore not needing plenty of alone time would be beneficial.

being able to maintain a social life / go back to work to get "yourself" back

Having a support system around you who are happy to help.

Having enough money to afford entertainment/trips/holidays and nursery easily enough without needing to wait until free hours kick in.

Not being too rigid to your routines and able to go with the flow.

I'm not being flippant when I say this (alongside lots of the other thoughtful posts here) really helped me narrow it down and realise my gut feeling of not wanting children is the right one - thank you.

I agree about spending time with kids. I don't mean day trips but offering to go and help out for days or take your nephews for a week in the holidays gives a better idea of the relentless of it. For that reason I found being older helped because you've had at least 15 years of watching and learning from friends having kids to see where the tricky parts are and have some idea if it is for you.

People on MN are very insistent that there's no way of knowing of your partner will be shit prior to having children but that isn't my real-life experience - I could have told you very accurately which of my friends or even colleagues it would be who ended up not even being able to have a cup of coffee without bringing all their children because 'Mike works six days a week and then cycles on Sunday' or 'Dave couldn't cope with them both alone, hahaha!'

This. I predicted accurately a decade ago which of DHs mates would be useless feckers who would be unable to reduce the time & money spent on themselves to accommodate kids.

Having a good supportive partner definitely makes a big impact.

Generally speaking, if your partner a) doesnt like change b) doesnt cope well if not in control c) has very rigid ideas about how to spend their time and money d) doesnt like getting out of bed, for anything it e) sulks/does not help when doing things they personally do not enjoy

It is unlikely they will be a supportive partner as a parent.

I don't think you can unfortunately.

I'm generally considered to be someone who would have liked and taken well to motherhood; this thread confirms that I posses the 'qualities' likely to make it so. But I don't. I love my children dearly, but I do not enjoy motherhood.

not being introverted and therefore not needing plenty of alone time would be beneficial.
You can be introverted but you shouldn't need loads of alone time

selflessness
There are times when you need to be selfish. For example if your child isn't sleeping night after night then for yourself and your child you need to sort that out. (Notice I said child not baby.)

dislike of mess/chaos
You can dislike mess but then end up with a child who only tolerates a certain amount of mess

lack of flexibility
fixed ideas of how it will be
Agree these are the killer. I see people wanting to get small babies into routines....

@WTF475878237NC

I agree about spending time with kids. I don't mean day trips but offering to go and help out for days or take your nephews for a week in the holidays gives a better idea of the relentless of it. For that reason I found being older helped because you've had at least 15 years of watching and learning from friends having kids to see where the tricky parts are and have some idea if it is for you.

I spent my teens and twenties helping out with family and friends children. I learnt I didn't have the patience for some of the stuff they got up to and they were well-behaved children.

I then had a child older and now have the patience. Even better some of the kids I helped out with are now adults who are willing to babysit....

I very much regret who I chose to father my children. I did all the work as mentioned upthread and am now in the middle of a horrible divorce.
But that didn't actually change my feelings about enjoying parenthood much. It was hard but never because of them iyswim.

I've been thinking more about this thread and I think that 'will I enjoy parenthood?' is a question as impossible to answer as 'would I like having a job?'. There are so many variables - which job, how many hours, are your colleagues nice, etc - that it's hard to say whether an individual would like having a job in the abstract. A few people absolutely hate any form of being employed, a few others psychologically can't stand being unemployed, but for most people the answer will be 'it depends'. And I think that's true of parenting.

I do think, though, that generally most people I know who were generally quite happy pre-kids still are, and the people who were always quite unhappy and unsatisfied pre-kids are miserable parents. I don't know if that's due to attitude or because a lot of the advantages or disadvantages they have (money, nice partner, good health) have remained constant. But I think that a lot of unhappy people think having children will be transformational and I think that's a) very rarely true and b) quite a dangerous idea.

Kids can be utter arse holes and annoy you beyond belief.
Anyone that starts out with this realistic expectation will be able to cope with and even enjoy parenthood.

@Watchingyou2sleezes

Kids can be utter arse holes and annoy you beyond belief. Anyone that starts out with this realistic expectation will be able to cope with and even enjoy parenthood.

😂😂😂

I thought I was prepared to parent as I was a nayy for 5 kids. But nothing prepared me for broken sleep. The first 4 months of both my son's life was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and my partner shared some of the night feeds with me.

But that's only one part of being a parent.

I'm fairly introverted and have.t found it a problem tbh but my children are quiet types too.
However the teen years have been a challenge as you have to let them have freedom and that lack of control can be stressful!
I loved other people's babies and couldn't wait to have my own tbh so no surprises there.

We never had colicky babies : friends baby did and that's a whole other ballgame.

I absolutely love it and I have an almost three year old and a 15 month old, so I am in the thick of it!!!

I suppose you never really know until you have children, but I always felt a proper yearning.
I wanted to make sure I was married to someone who would be a great dad first though, but that's just me.

It'll be much easier if you have a stable relationship (it has almost broken us a few times but we are coming through), finances in place, a partner who pulls their weight and a willingness to out your needs second for a long time.

As an example of the latter point, we have no outside help so we don't go out together on dates. No cinema, no dinners etc etc. I am an older mum, and I feel totally happy with that because I've done my share of it.

Nothing has ever made me as happy or as proud as my children. It's bloody hard work but I don't regret them for a second.

I'm going to have to take issue with the 'pick a good partner' and 'you can always tell' posts. My ex and I were great, he was a lovely, very involved dad right up until the minute he was carried away with a 'soulmate' damsel in distress. I rumbled them inside a week. He panicked and left with ow. I would have absolutely done 50/50 but he didn't want it. He now sees them about once every 2 months for a couple of nights, is minimally involved and pays cms only. I absolutely assure you I could not have prefdicted it, nor could any of his friends who still, years on express their surprise that he turned out to be the dad he is. Sorry to derail but this is a point often smugly made on here and it winds me up.