How can you predict if you will like being a parent?

[KarmaElBanana]

Do you think there are any predictors of whether someone will take to having kids or not? I see a lot of those threads on here where people ask who regrets having kids, and the general proportion is 2/3 don’t regret it, 1/3 do.

So what characteristics / circumstances / etc. do you think are predictors of whether someone will take to being a parent or regret their decision? Is there any basis you can use to judge how likely it is to be the path for you? Eg different personality traits / types of temperament / circumstantial aspects of their life?

@HugeAckmansWife

I'm going to have to take issue with the 'pick a good partner' and 'you can always tell' posts. My ex and I were great, he was a lovely, very involved dad right up until the minute he was carried away with a 'soulmate' damsel in distress. I rumbled them inside a week. He panicked and left with ow. I would have absolutely done 50/50 but he didn't want it. He now sees them about once every 2 months for a couple of nights, is minimally involved and pays cms only. I absolutely assure you I could not have prefdicted it, nor could any of his friends who still, years on express their surprise that he turned out to be the dad he is. Sorry to derail but this is a point often smugly made on here and it winds me up.

Yeah totally agree. And that is one of the cruellest, most shitty things about someone acting like a dick towards someone else, particularly with cheating - it undermines that person‘s faith in their own judgement about who they can trust. Of course, everyone likes to think they could spot a potential cheater a mile off, because it’s reassuring. Agree, these posts sounds very smug and self-congratulatory. And most OW threads on here begin with “I know it’s a cliche but he was the last person you’d expect and I would never in a million years have dreamt he was the sort of person who could do this.” Perhaps testament to the fact that it’s not about being a “type” or particular category of person.

I really apologize if my post sounded smug because it's the last thing I would want to be or sound.

To clarify, I knew for sure I did not want to have kids with anyone other than the man who became my husband. It would have been a disaster.

I can't predict whether or not he'll ever cheat or whether our marriage will last but I can state with certainty that he would always want to see the children and would always provide for them.

As I alluded to, the pressure of two toddlers has led to lots of arguments and harsh words on both sides. We've been pushed to the brink.
What I will also say is that he is a great practical partner. He cooks, cleans, changes nappies, clears up, does bath and bedtime, reads to them, does the family shop...as well as supporting us financially through his work.
I absolutely take my hat off to anyone doing this alone or with very little help. I doubt I could cope.

@Liverbird77 I didn’t see which post/s @HugeAckmansWife was referring to, I just agreed as a general point! Sorry if it seemed like it was in reference to you, not intentional

@FreeBritnee

Are you a patient person? Are you someone that has a healthy stable relationship, few money worries, lots of family help and not that bothered about sleeping.

If yes to all the above being a parent will most likely be dreamy.

All of those are not enough. You have to really want to be a full time carer for other people. Small people in this case.

There is an awful lot of daily drudgery and you have to be prepared for your old life where you can plan your own enjoyment to stop for many years.

I can state with certainty that he would always want to see the children and provide for them yes, I would have said that too. And yet.... I'm not taking it personally, but the 'picking a good man so you aren't left as a SP' as criteria for being a good parent is fallacious. I would replace it with make sure that you have sufficient skills, qualifications, resources, experience etc that should you need to be self supporting, you can be. I derive a lot of satisfaction and self worth from the fact that I have a career, work full time and manage. That helps me be a good parent (albeit a busy one) by also modelling that self sufficiency to my kids.

Honestly, I don't think you can. I love being a parent; I always thought I would, but I didn't realise how much I'd enjoy it until our daughter was born.
But if you look at me on paper: I am (at least a semi-) introvert, I hadn't spent much time with children before, and I used to find other people's children a bit trying at times - I find them a lot easier now I'm a mother. I don't have a childcare support network and don't actually want or need one; I find it much easier for us to bring up DD after our own lights without the inevitable interference that comes with relatives doing childcare. I also don't cope well with lack of sleep. A few things really helped me:

• going with the flow - for me parenting has been an exercise in doing all the things I said I'd never do. I thought I'd want to go back to work full time but ended up going part time because I missed her too much. I thought I'd be all about routine, wouldn't co sleep etc; DD is still in our bed aged 2. We all get good uninterrupted sleep that way and it's lovely to wake up to her smile.
• research - this may go against what I said above about going with the flow, but it helped me hugely to read as much as possible in advance about babies and children. I devoured mumsnet threads especially and found others' real life experiences much more valuable than any books. I also picked the brains of all my friends who have children about what helped them, what they found difficult, life with a newborn etc. I then knew what to expect and wasn't caught by surprise. I know people say you shouldn't buy too much ahead of having a baby but we had almost everything researched, planned and bought and that really helped in the early days. All based on friends' advice and experience.
• a support network for me- I didn't find I needed a childcare support network (parents or in laws helping with childcare), but I found my network of friends and NCT group invaluable for moral support for me. They were and are worth their weight in gold, especially friends who are already parents themselves.

I said that I didn't think it was as random who ended up being a crap dad as people claim, but I didn't really mean 'pick a good man so you don't end up a single parent'. I agree that that can happen to anyone - out of character mid-life crises aside, there's always the fact that they could die. I was thinking more about the odds of ending up with the sort of man who is still there, still physically present in the home but who is little practical use and considers anything to do with the children an optional extra that he can take or leave. I do think that this is not as random or unpredictable as people sometimes claim. It's also often sometimes a trade-off that women make but then seem surprised by; I've known a few women who married a very career-focused high earner where that was definitely part of the attraction but then they seemed shocked to find that he had some pretty old-fashioned ideas about division of labour and didn't expect to compromise on anything relating to their work in any way.

I'm going to have to take issue with the 'pick a good partner' and 'you can always tell' posts. My ex and I were great, he was a lovely, very involved dad right up until the minute he was carried away with a 'soulmate' damsel in distress. I rumbled them inside a week. He panicked and left with ow. I would have absolutely done 50/50 but he didn't want it. He now sees them about once every 2 months for a couple of nights, is minimally involved and pays cms only. I absolutely assure you I could not have prefdicted it, nor could any of his friends who still, years on express their surprise that he turned out to be the dad he is. Sorry to derail but this is a point often smugly made on here and it winds me up.

I think possibly people are referring to different kinds of behaviour. I do agree with previous posters that you can usually tell whether a man is going to be the kind who shoulders 50/50 of the domestic burden in a partnership or whether he’s going to be the type who goes to the football every Saturday and goes cycling for 10 hours on a Sunday.

But I think behaviours like infidelity and abuse, and conduct during or after a split, are by their very nature much harder (if not near impossible) to predict.

No I don't think you can predict it tbh. People can come up with all kinds of qualities or characteristics which they think might indicate one way or the other, but I don't think that works. E.g. there are patient people who make great parents and patient people who'd hate to have children! And yes, tons of people who don't like being around kids in general, but adore their own and are great parents. Not to mention all the other variables like partner, life circumstances etc.

you can't
there are far too many variables

I never considered that I wouldn't like it. But I never aspired to be "perfect" or "better than". Never cared to be more than good enough and thought I'd be ok. I was right.
🤣
However, on our 3rd date I knew DH would be a fantastic dad. I was so right.

Are you a patient person? Are you someone that has a healthy stable relationship, few money worries, lots of family help and not that bothered about sleeping.

Think only thing I had there was healthy stable relationship - though money worried happend after we had DC buying a house for greater stablity for them.

I've been really surpised how much I've enjoyed motherhood overall despite it it's being hard at times. I think the only person not surpised by that was DH - eveyone else had me pegged very differently.

I've known apparently stable relationship with loving fathers disintegrate and then the Dad's rarely make an effort from then on.

One of the few mother's I met who said it was a mistake to become a mother - and it was planned- and she hated it had both sides of their family willing to help and had a decade experience working with young children.

I think it's a leap of faith - a huge gamble - but one I'm so glad I took though without DH at my side I do wonder if I'd have had such a postive experience.

I was thinking more about the odds of ending up with the sort of man who is still there, still physically present in the home but who is little practical use and considers anything to do with the children an optional extra that he can take or leave. I do think that this is not as random or unpredictable as people sometimes claim.

Yes I definitely think there’s something in this. BIL rarely cooks or does any household stuff and funnily enough that was exactly the same pre DC too. DSis gets no lie-ins, BIL never gets up early with their DC. Other BIL the opposite and was the same (as in pulled his weight) with household stuff pre DC too.

Working as a junior doctor pre-children helps, you are used to being on your feet for 12+ hours, disturbed sleep and putting other's needs ahead of your own.

Being at home( and out and about) with small children was dreamy (also unlikely to be introverted I suppose).

I sort of agree with the fact you can usually tell what type of father someone will be before they are one.

People inside the relationship fail to see or think about it I think, or maybe they just don’t want to admit it?

Nobody can predict the future so there will always outliers like hugeackman but when I see men who do nothing in the house become parents and continue to do nothing.. I’m like.. well what did you expect.

To answer your actual question: there isn’t a way of knowing. Every child and their needs are different. I’m introverted and like quiet, the constant whining/crying is torture at the moment. But it hasn’t always been that way and I’m sure it won’t always be this way.

Stay up until 3 in the morning, Empty your purse, stand and shout instructions at a brick wall while someone is screaming in your ear. Now put some glittery hair slides in and rub your hands in poo.
If you enjoy this you will LOVE being a parent

@Mybalconyiscracking

Stay up until 3 in the morning, Empty your purse, stand and shout instructions at a brick wall while someone is screaming in your ear. Now put some glittery hair slides in and rub your hands in poo. If you enjoy this you will LOVE being a parent

you forgot to add 5 stones

@Mybalconyiscracking

Stay up until 3 in the morning, Empty your purse, stand and shout instructions at a brick wall while someone is screaming in your ear. Now put some glittery hair slides in and rub your hands in poo. If you enjoy this you will LOVE being a parent

You just reminded me of a good book -

Go the F* to Sleep.

Samuel L Jackson audio reading -

Some recent research I was using for coursework indicated higher rates of PPD occurring alongside higher marital dissatisfaction. As someone who is anti-psychiatry, I take this to mean the more you're able to cope with big changes, and the more support you have available to you, especially how much effort you receive from dad or partner, the more likely you are to enjoy the journey of being a parent. Obviously that's an oversimplification but what I'm trying to say is your support system is likely to help loads

I never wanted kids. Was absolutely adamant it wasn’t for me. I’m extremely impatient, never wanted to hold friends babies, find children rather irritating and the thought of listening to the ramblings of a child sent me loopy.

I had a baby 4 months ago. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and despite every thought I had that I would never be a good mum, I’m told every day how I’ve just taken to it completely.

I don’t think people really know until they are in the thick of it. But I can say with 100% certainty that being a mum is the best thing I have done or will ever do. Although ask me again in a couple years when I have a crazy toddler running rampant and I may not be so thrilled 😂

@Normando91 what a heart-warming story. I have a 3 year old and absolutely love it!

I think it’s largely circumstantial rather than inherent. I liked being a parent a lot less when I was skint and with a partner who was needy and didn’t pull his weight

I think a high level of empathy, emotional intelligence and being able to genuinely relate to a child are the most important things. Everything else, you can learn, but those things are personality traits.

Do you like children generally, enjoy spending time around them? If not then you are unlikely to enjoy having one of your own.

Also patience, because kids, especially little ones, are bloody mind-numbingly repetitive sometimes!

@violetanemone

I think a high level of empathy, emotional intelligence and being able to genuinely relate to a child are the most important things. Everything else, you can learn, but those things are personality traits.

Do you like children generally, enjoy spending time around them? If not then you are unlikely to enjoy having one of your own.

Also patience, because kids, especially little ones, are bloody mind-numbingly repetitive sometimes!

I don't agree with your middle paragraph at all

precisely because you don't ever parent other people's kids. you might have a fun time or think they are horrid but you make no decisions or choices, nor do you have responsibility.

Just because you have fun with your lovely nephews it doesn't mean you'll enjoy time spent with your own child who have very different interests from you.
And if you hate the company of noisy, rambunctious kids, it doesn't mean you won't have a patience for your own.

I absolutely agree with your first paragraph though. Emotional intelligence is especially important. And you need a lot of creativity too.

@rrhuth

Disagree utterly about introverts, I'm one and am a very happy parent.

The main things that cause problems are, IMO:

• selfishness
• lack of flexibility
• fixed ideas of how it will be
• dislike of mess/chaos

But I don't know if you can know, it hits some people hard.

I agree completely. The one I know who struggles the most fits all of your bullet points