"Have you had a drink" - is my reaction unreasonable?

[MostlyCloudy9C]

Brief background. Work very stressful at the moment, new role, underresourced, lots of projects coinciding. I've been suffering from insomnia and general stress around this, though it is hopefully short term. DH knows this. I'm back in office, he is still fully WFH.

DH had an event tonight and asked me to leave early to pick up DS8 from school club. I said I had a meeting til 5.15 so it's tight. We decided that DH would pick him up, and he could stay at home with DD12 for around 15-20 minutes after DH left before I got home at around 6.20.

My meeting overran and so I left a little bit late at about 5.25. DH called me at 6.10 and asked me where I was. I said 'I'm at X station' (about 20 minutes from home). DH replied 'that's miles away' and I explained meeting had run over. He then said ' Have you had a drink?'

I didn't want to reply in public in a station at 6.10pm 'no of course I haven't had a drink' and so I hung up.

I'm now fuming about this. It's something he's said before if I'm a little bit late. The implication of today though has really got to me - I know my kids are alone, and he thinks I would have had a drink (I assume at 5pm ish on a Wednesday?). I'm really pissed off and upset with him especially as he knows how stressed I am right now.

DH is telling me not to make a big deal of this.

Who is BU?

It’s a very odd thing to ask tbh unless he has reason to ask.

It really depends on why that's his first thought

He is, but is he trying to be funny, in that massively irritating way that is just annoying.

It’s irritating but I’m not sure it deserves you to be “fuming”

Not trying to be funny. A couple of times I've had a quick drink after work, but I've told him and it's been at 6.30 when there is no reason for me to get back.

There's no reason why it should be his first thought if I'm running 15 minutes late. I'm not even drinking at all at the moment as it doesn't help the sleep/stress

Does he mean did you go for a drink after work and that's why you're a bit later than expected or is there a reason he thought you'd been drinking?

Either seems off unless you have form though.

I'm fuming because the implication is I was late because I decided to have a drink, despite knowing my 8 year old was being left alone for a while

He said it in a accusatory way. I think that's why I'm cross. It feels like he doesn't trust me (no reason not to)

clarify 8yo not alone, with 12yo but not something we usually do

I agree with you OP. I would be really cross if DH said this.

You are both unreasonable leaving an 8 year old without an adult there.

Is he trying to imply that you're lying about your meeting running over??

Pheasants - I understand that point will divide opinion. It was with our (v sensible)12yo, with a neighbour to call if necessary. Apparently 60% of people think 12 is the age they would allow a child to babysit siblings (I looked this up trying to work out if it was OK!) and it was for 25 mins in the end. But yes, I felt uncomfortable which is why the implication I would bugger off for a drink and make myself late is even worse

@ParmigianoReggiano yes I think so

Is he resentful that you went for a drink previously?
So that was his first thought when you were delayed this evening?
I'm petty so I'd just ask him the same question every time he's later than expected for the next few months. It's childish but it works 🤣

Could it all just come down to the like the straw that broke the camels back? Given all you've been feeling up till now his comment was really the last thing you needed to hear? If so yanbu.

He thinks you're making a big deal of this? OK, leave it this time. But explain to him that if he says it again when you're rushing back from a meeting (you say he's said it before), you will be really furious. So perhaps better if he doesn't.

YANBU because he’s basically jumped straight to an accusation – that you’re lying or saying “the meeting ran over” instead of “there were drinks after the meeting”, and not accepted your first explanation. I’d be annoyed too.

The only way he could possibly be reasonable is if you have a secret history of high-functioning alcoholism that sometimes becomes low-functioning and you’ve previously abandoned your kids for the demon drink or gone on after-work benders and lied about it. Otherwise he’s being a tit.

Id be really angry. What a thing to accuse you of! He's out of order

Does he not believe your meetings run over sometimes? Have you lied about minor stuff like this before? If not then he is BU.

YABU he phoned you an hour after your meeting was supposed to finish and you weren’t home yet and as you have had drinks after work before it would be a normal question to ask.

Not the point, but a sensible 12-year-old is perfectly fine watching their 8-y-o sibling for half an hour! I'm sure I did similar at that age.

As PP have said, unless he had a reason to suspect you of stopping for a drink, that's a very strange conclusion for him to jump to. I'd be annoyed, too, and we'd be discussing it.

I've never lied!

For more context - pre covid he was FT in the office and would frequently be the one calling me to say he was staying for 'a couple' whilst I'd always be the one rushing to get the kids on time and doing bedtime etc.

Now it's the opposite as I'm going in, and maybe 3 times in the last 6 months I've had 'a couple' after work, told him about it and got home usually in time to make dinner.

Does he have a problem with you going for a drink after work even when you have no need to rush home?

Ask him outright what he meant by it
The next time he's running late ask him the same question and see what his reaction is
Perfectly acceptable to leave your youngest with their older sibling, it teaches them a little responsibility in short bursts