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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Have you had a drink" - is my reaction unreasonable?

127 replies

MostlyCloudy9C · 03/11/2021 19:52

Brief background. Work very stressful at the moment, new role, underresourced, lots of projects coinciding. I've been suffering from insomnia and general stress around this, though it is hopefully short term. DH knows this. I'm back in office, he is still fully WFH.

DH had an event tonight and asked me to leave early to pick up DS8 from school club. I said I had a meeting til 5.15 so it's tight. We decided that DH would pick him up, and he could stay at home with DD12 for around 15-20 minutes after DH left before I got home at around 6.20.

My meeting overran and so I left a little bit late at about 5.25. DH called me at 6.10 and asked me where I was. I said 'I'm at X station' (about 20 minutes from home). DH replied 'that's miles away' and I explained meeting had run over. He then said ' Have you had a drink?'

I didn't want to reply in public in a station at 6.10pm 'no of course I haven't had a drink' and so I hung up.

I'm now fuming about this. It's something he's said before if I'm a little bit late. The implication of today though has really got to me - I know my kids are alone, and he thinks I would have had a drink (I assume at 5pm ish on a Wednesday?). I'm really pissed off and upset with him especially as he knows how stressed I am right now.

DH is telling me not to make a big deal of this.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MostlyCloudy9C · 03/11/2021 20:27

@NewbieAlert I suspect so. Despite the massive hypocrisy of that.

However I know he's finding still WFH hard as his company are not opening office (maybe ever). Tonight is a work event so it's good he's going, I just didn't get notice of it before the meeting was scheduled (with a client so I couldn't just leave).

He used to travel abroad all the time as well, and I would never have the chance to stay for a drink with colleagues as I was on my own.

So it's a bit galling he resents me to be honest. The comment has really hit a nerve

OP posts:
TeeTotaller1 · 03/11/2021 20:28

@MostlyCloudy9C

I've never lied!

For more context - pre covid he was FT in the office and would frequently be the one calling me to say he was staying for 'a couple' whilst I'd always be the one rushing to get the kids on time and doing bedtime etc.

Now it's the opposite as I'm going in, and maybe 3 times in the last 6 months I've had 'a couple' after work, told him about it and got home usually in time to make dinner.

Whats good for the gander and all that Probably underneath the sarcasm he doesn't like the fact that you haven't rushed home on occasion to be the dutiful wife and mother
LuaDipa · 03/11/2021 20:29

It seems as though he is projecting. Very petty and unattractive if so.

museumum · 03/11/2021 20:31

He’s judging you by his own behaviour. It is insulting yanbu

ThePoisonousMushroom · 03/11/2021 20:32

YANBU. I would massively resent the implication that a) I was lying about the meeting overrunning and b) I spoke to out for drinks instead of coming home to my children who were home alone.

JumperandJacket · 03/11/2021 20:32

I would be fuming, OP- the implication that your meeting didn’t run over, that you lied and that you would deliberately leave a child alone in order to go for a drink. Plus the complete lack of comprehension generally, that feeling of your minds being miles apart).

MadameMonk · 03/11/2021 20:33

I’d have replied sarcastically, in a tone that said ‘there will be a future conversation about this nonsense from you’.

Maybe ‘Sure, they’ve been pouring prosecco non-stop all afternoon at the place I got my mani pedi done.’

Or perhaps ‘Why, are you on drugs? Sounds like you might be to ask that?’

He needs pointed encouragement to check and use his filters, if you ask me. Very insulting.

SpookyPumpkinPants · 03/11/2021 20:34

YANBU you don't normally leave the kids alone (though I think it's fine at their age, as long as they get along ok), so he was being a complete shit accusing you of going for a drink instead of getting home as soon as you could.

Get him told.

When he rang, you could have said 'bloody hell DH, of course not! Instead of hanging up, you didn't have to say anything incriminating/embarrassing out loud.

Original poster
MostlyCloudy9C · 03/11/2021 20:35

So I think I am NBU from the comments.

The irony being now he IS out and IS drinking and has told me he hasn't got a key and I now need to 'be fair' and wait up to let him in, despite being fucking knackered Angry

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 03/11/2021 20:35

I.would be irritated by the implication that I wasn't prioritising my children over alcohol its quite a nasty allegation imho

industryofficegrey · 03/11/2021 20:37

Sorry if this isn't really the point but I don't understand why you didn't want to tell him you hadn't had a drink over the phone?

Theunamedcat · 03/11/2021 20:37

@MostlyCloudy9C

So I think I am NBU from the comments.

The irony being now he IS out and IS drinking and has told me he hasn't got a key and I now need to 'be fair' and wait up to let him in, despite being fucking knackered Angry

Ummm no go to sleep put his key in a safe space if you feel generous
spotcheck · 03/11/2021 20:38

So, he's WFH, and on a night he has to go out, you are late?
I can see why he would be stressed.
No need to play you were drinking though.

But you didn't have to hang up on him.

You guys both showed little empathy, and poor communication

Original poster
MostlyCloudy9C · 03/11/2021 20:39

@industryofficegrey I was on a crowded platform - I didn't want it to sound like it was likely I might have had a drink! Although I could have said something else. I was also very pissed off and couldn't be bothered to dignify with an answer

OP posts:
TeeTotaller1 · 03/11/2021 20:39

@MostlyCloudy9C

So I think I am NBU from the comments.

The irony being now he IS out and IS drinking and has told me he hasn't got a key and I now need to 'be fair' and wait up to let him in, despite being fucking knackered Angry

He's a bit of a tool by the sound of it Put a key under a flowerpot or something and go off to bed, there'sno way I'd be waiting up for him
Original poster
MostlyCloudy9C · 03/11/2021 20:39

@spotcheck he told me today, when I already had a client meeting in the diary! He also could have been slightly late to the event

OP posts:
ThePoisonousMushroom · 03/11/2021 20:39

@spotcheck

So, he's WFH, and on a night he has to go out, you are late? I can see why he would be stressed. No need to play you were drinking though.

But you didn't have to hang up on him.

You guys both showed little empathy, and poor communication

She was in a meeting with a client.
industryofficegrey · 03/11/2021 20:42

@MostlyCloudy9C I think he's a dick for accusing you right off the back, but if am honest still don't understand what's wrong with the general public thinking you had a drink 🙈though am not from the UK and I know ppl like to be more private here.

NewbieAlert · 03/11/2021 20:43

@MostlyCloudy9C

So I think I am NBU from the comments.

The irony being now he IS out and IS drinking and has told me he hasn't got a key and I now need to 'be fair' and wait up to let him in, despite being fucking knackered Angry

“Be fair” ?! I’m raging for you now.

Changed his tune hasn’t he? Now he needs something.

Theunamedcat · 03/11/2021 20:44

@spotcheck

So, he's WFH, and on a night he has to go out, you are late? I can see why he would be stressed. No need to play you were drinking though.

But you didn't have to hang up on him.

You guys both showed little empathy, and poor communication

A few minutes late doing there job not out drinking having fun or otherwise being obstructive if it had been hours late I could understand the attitude
HP87 · 03/11/2021 20:44

Yanbu. My dh has an instinct not to trust/believe people. I've learnt alot about him since we've become parents and it's taken me a very long time, effort and energy to get him to change his attitude towards things I say/do.
But it's unbelievably stressful for me when it crops up so I know how you feel!

WobblingMoon · 03/11/2021 20:46

YANBU, but you need to talk to him and say what you've told us. Ask him why he said it. Tell him he's upset you with that comment. An odd comment like this, with no back story, there's got to be something else going on in his mind - insecurity about you returning to the office possibly? Just talk to him about it.

hangrylady · 03/11/2021 20:48

@PheasantsNest

You are both unreasonable leaving an 8 year old without an adult there.
Behave yourself. It was half an hour with a 12 year old sibling.
Theyellowflamingo · 03/11/2021 20:51

He’s assuming you would behave like he would in the same circumstances (ie selfishly) and he doesn’t like it. He’s an unsupportive hypocrite.

Clymene · 03/11/2021 20:54

So he told you today that he wanted you to leave your new job early so he could go out this evening (for a fun thing I'm guessing) and he got pissy because your meeting overran by 5 minutes?

What a tool.

Is he cross that you're working? Does he think you should pick up the childcare slack/does he feel resentful that he's doing more pick up/drop offs because you're commuting?