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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Have you had a drink" - is my reaction unreasonable?

127 replies

MostlyCloudy9C · 03/11/2021 19:52

Brief background. Work very stressful at the moment, new role, underresourced, lots of projects coinciding. I've been suffering from insomnia and general stress around this, though it is hopefully short term. DH knows this. I'm back in office, he is still fully WFH.

DH had an event tonight and asked me to leave early to pick up DS8 from school club. I said I had a meeting til 5.15 so it's tight. We decided that DH would pick him up, and he could stay at home with DD12 for around 15-20 minutes after DH left before I got home at around 6.20.

My meeting overran and so I left a little bit late at about 5.25. DH called me at 6.10 and asked me where I was. I said 'I'm at X station' (about 20 minutes from home). DH replied 'that's miles away' and I explained meeting had run over. He then said ' Have you had a drink?'

I didn't want to reply in public in a station at 6.10pm 'no of course I haven't had a drink' and so I hung up.

I'm now fuming about this. It's something he's said before if I'm a little bit late. The implication of today though has really got to me - I know my kids are alone, and he thinks I would have had a drink (I assume at 5pm ish on a Wednesday?). I'm really pissed off and upset with him especially as he knows how stressed I am right now.

DH is telling me not to make a big deal of this.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 03/11/2021 20:56

‘I thought about what you said and I’m going to be be very fair. There’s a key under the mat and you can let yourself in. Next time you go out if you’ve made more snarky little comments about ‘have you had a drink’ you can just stay somewhere else when you’ve gone out for drinks. I’m fed up with your snide judging, I was never like this to you when you went for drinks OR when you were just late OR when your work made it impossible for me to go out and I’m fed up with one rule for you and another for me.’

Shallwegoforawalk · 03/11/2021 20:58

@hotmeatymilk

YANBU because he’s basically jumped straight to an accusation – that you’re lying or saying “the meeting ran over” instead of “there were drinks after the meeting”, and not accepted your first explanation. I’d be annoyed too.

The only way he could possibly be reasonable is if you have a secret history of high-functioning alcoholism that sometimes becomes low-functioning and you’ve previously abandoned your kids for the demon drink or gone on after-work benders and lied about it. Otherwise he’s being a tit.

This ^
Maddison12 · 03/11/2021 21:01

@MostlyCloudy9C

I'm fuming because the implication is I was late because I decided to have a drink, despite knowing my 8 year old was being left alone for a while
Yeah, this would piss me off tbh. If it was just said out of the blue like that for absolutely no reason he's being unreasonable.
Shallwegoforawalk · 03/11/2021 21:02

@PheasantsNest oh give over!! It was less than half an hour with a sensible 12 year old sibling there too! Hardly SS worthy. Hmm

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 03/11/2021 21:04

He's projecting and defending via attack... He wants you on the defensive without cause so he can go drinking himself and claim it's only fair... He wants you to feel as guilty as you would if you'd prioritised drinking over your children even though he knows full well that you didn't.

Original poster
MostlyCloudy9C · 03/11/2021 21:05

I think he is resentful.

Like I said, since Covid there has been a big shift in our roles as I have to go into the office, so DH is at home more and does drop off/pick up more as we're 5 mins from school.

Everything else is split pretty fairly though. But I have more freedom now than I didn't before. He's been making more of an effort to go out and socialise, and I have been out less as have no energy, so it's not like I've been out loads leaving him on his own

OP posts:
ILoveShula · 03/11/2021 21:06

I'd take the 'have you had a drink?' to mean 'you're pissed'.

He can have drinks after work and you can't?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 03/11/2021 21:09

btw wtf has he gone out without a key?

theremustonlybeone · 03/11/2021 21:12

Has he gone out without a key deliberatly? Real shitty thing to do

Clymene · 03/11/2021 21:18

@MostlyCloudy9C

So I think I am NBU from the comments.

The irony being now he IS out and IS drinking and has told me he hasn't got a key and I now need to 'be fair' and wait up to let him in, despite being fucking knackered Angry

Oh wow, I missed this. He's really punishing you isn't he?

He needs to grow the fuck up

RandomMess · 03/11/2021 21:25

Sounds like DARVO

Deny, attack, reverse victim & offender.

He used to be the one going out for drinks and lying about it "working late" hence him feeling justified in accusing you.

I would leave the house unlocked and go to bed tbh, tell him he's on the sofa Angry

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 03/11/2021 21:27

I would just leave the key outside under a mat or something and gtfo to bed personally.

wildseas · 03/11/2021 21:28

I think he's projecting. I would suspect that if you poke around a bit you'll find that when he worked in the office he used to tell you that his meetings had over-run so that he could go for a drink after work and leave you dealing with the kids. And he's just assumed you're doing the same. . .

Thisismadness · 03/11/2021 21:33

I’m not surprised you reacted the way you did. ‘Have you had a drink’ is very different from, did you stop for a drink for example, even if that might have happened. He sounds like he’s trying to antagonise you.

Iloveacurry · 03/11/2021 21:35

Yes he’s being a bit of a knob. And going out without a key is bloody annoying.

3scape · 03/11/2021 21:36

I guess if you aren't a problem drinker then he is and judging you by his standards?

Whatkatyforgottodo · 03/11/2021 21:38

He definitely sounds angry and jealous of what he sees as your ‘freedom’ of going into work each day while he is stuck at home. But this doesn’t mean he can behave like a total twat. Please don’t wait up for him, I agree with a PP who said he forgot a key on purpose. And maybe tomorrow or at the weekend try to have a calm chat with him about how unsupported you feel at the moment? Sending hugs and hope things get better for you, at work & home.

Rosebel · 03/11/2021 21:40

I don't really think either of you are unreasonable. You are both tired and stressed from the sound of it.
I do find it a bit odd that you just hung up on him when he asked you though. Why not just reply? You are right though that he's judging you on what he'd do.
I'd let it go for now but just tell him when you're both calm that you will tell him when you're going for a drink and you don't like the fact he implied you down were lying.

whynotwhatknot · 03/11/2021 21:43

I think he sounds like aknob-doesnt thik he said anything wrong even though hes accused you of going off somewhere and lieing

Hoesbeforebroes · 03/11/2021 21:47

You probably could have headed all this off with a call/text at 5.25 to say you'd be later than expected, rather than leaving everyone waiting and letting their imaginations run wild. When people are depending on you and you're cutting it fine with time, I think that's the courteous thing to do.

But on balance, he's still a dick.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 03/11/2021 21:51

I was on the fence with your OP, because we didn't have enough info and I thought he probably wouldn't be asking that question unless there was some history. But with each update DH sounds worse and worse. What an arsehole. I wouldn't be waiting around for Prince Charming to get home when I was knackered from a long day at work and desperate to go to bed. If he expects you to do things like that for him then he needs to start treating you better.

Also, it's fine for a 12 yr old to mind their 8 yr old sibling for 25 mins. Get a grip, people.

MerryMarigold · 03/11/2021 21:56

I'm glad you hung up. Hopefully he got the message that it was insulting and unworthy of giving it the time of day.

Hide a key and text him. Ask him to be quiet when he comes in and sleep elsewhere, as you'd rather not be woken since you've had trouble sleeping.

penguinssmell · 03/11/2021 22:04

12 & 8
Year old for half an hour
No
Problem

Your DH being a pain.

CecilieRose · 03/11/2021 22:05

@PheasantsNest

You are both unreasonable leaving an 8 year old without an adult there.
This place is so weird. The summer after I turned 12, I was left at home all day with my siblings (10 and 9). Made lunch for us all, did laundry/ironing, some cleaning, loaded dishwasher, etc. You think a 12 year old can't look after an 8 year old for half an hour after school?
BoredZelda · 03/11/2021 22:15

This place is so weird. The summer after I turned 12, I was left at home all day with my siblings (10 and 9). Made lunch for us all, did laundry/ironing, some cleaning, loaded dishwasher, etc. You think a 12 year old can't look after an 8 year old for half an hour after school?

Yeah, on another thread they were having an aneurism at a 9 year old putting on some quick cook pasta. At 9 I was coming home and making dinner for mum coming home after work.

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