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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Have you had a drink" - is my reaction unreasonable?

127 replies

MostlyCloudy9C · 03/11/2021 19:52

Brief background. Work very stressful at the moment, new role, underresourced, lots of projects coinciding. I've been suffering from insomnia and general stress around this, though it is hopefully short term. DH knows this. I'm back in office, he is still fully WFH.

DH had an event tonight and asked me to leave early to pick up DS8 from school club. I said I had a meeting til 5.15 so it's tight. We decided that DH would pick him up, and he could stay at home with DD12 for around 15-20 minutes after DH left before I got home at around 6.20.

My meeting overran and so I left a little bit late at about 5.25. DH called me at 6.10 and asked me where I was. I said 'I'm at X station' (about 20 minutes from home). DH replied 'that's miles away' and I explained meeting had run over. He then said ' Have you had a drink?'

I didn't want to reply in public in a station at 6.10pm 'no of course I haven't had a drink' and so I hung up.

I'm now fuming about this. It's something he's said before if I'm a little bit late. The implication of today though has really got to me - I know my kids are alone, and he thinks I would have had a drink (I assume at 5pm ish on a Wednesday?). I'm really pissed off and upset with him especially as he knows how stressed I am right now.

DH is telling me not to make a big deal of this.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

Original poster

MostlyCloudy9C · 04/11/2021 08:35

I left the key outside and went to bed early. Not sure when He got in, he did wake me up but then slept in the spare room.

I'm getting one word answers today. No goodbye when he went to drop off DS.

Thanks for all the answers. A lot to unpick

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 04/11/2021 09:05

@MostlyCloudy9C

I left the key outside and went to bed early. Not sure when He got in, he did wake me up but then slept in the spare room.

I'm getting one word answers today. No goodbye when he went to drop off DS.

Thanks for all the answers. A lot to unpick

Shame you really need to vacuum every room in the house today...hope his head hurts.

hangrylady · 04/11/2021 09:25

@KarmaStar

Both wbu to leave two young children alone,more so him,he should have waited until you got home.I'd be far more angry my dc were all alone than being precious about a personal comment.maybe think about your priorities here op?

8 year old and sensible 12 year old. For an hour. Get A Grip.

MerryMarigold · 04/11/2021 13:26

@MostlyCloudy9C

I left the key outside and went to bed early. Not sure when He got in, he did wake me up but then slept in the spare room.

I'm getting one word answers today. No goodbye when he went to drop off DS.

Thanks for all the answers. A lot to unpick

Why is he not talking to you? He should be saying sorry for a) making the drinking comment b) forgetting key c) asking you stay up and d) waking you up (even if it was accidentally). I fuming on your behalf OP.

Everanewbie · 04/11/2021 13:50

The comment about drinking was not needed and mean. But I'm not sure it would have killed you to have left on time either. Sounds like there is a bit of resentment on both sides.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 04/11/2021 14:00

@Everanewbie

The comment about drinking was not needed and mean. But I'm not sure it would have killed you to have left on time either. Sounds like there is a bit of resentment on both sides.

She was in a meeting with a client, a meeting that was arranged before the DH told her he was going out. Sure, you could leave a meeting with a client before it was finished, but they might not be a client much longer.

Everanewbie · 04/11/2021 14:04

I have a client facing job too, and if there are child care issues, or my partner has something on, yes, absolutely explain that the meeting has an end point prior to commencing.

Unless you're performing life saving surgery, or arresting a criminal I just don't buy the 'work ran over' stuff when family are relying on you.

Viviennemary · 04/11/2021 14:06

I think it was a reasonable question to ask if you often go for a drink after meetings or after work.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 04/11/2021 14:06

@Everanewbie

I have a client facing job too, and if there are child care issues, or my partner has something on, yes, absolutely explain that the meeting has an end point prior to commencing.

Unless you're performing life saving surgery, or arresting a criminal I just don't buy the 'work ran over' stuff when family are relying on you.

Her meeting was arranged before she knew about his night out. Just as she could have left work early, he could have arrived at his night out drinking late.

Everanewbie · 04/11/2021 14:17

I agree he could have rocked up a bit late too, but that doesn't mean it isn't annoying when you have plans. All the keys stuff and sarky comments is poor too. Arguments are generally never 100% right or 100% wrong. I think the guy here is 80%ish wrong, but "meeting ran over" is pretty infuriating when you have plans, especially if there is absolutely no hint of contrition, and OP knew 5:15 would already be tight.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 04/11/2021 14:33

I think there comment was uncalled for, but you could easily have answered the question without going into details so no one overheard you. Hanging up was uncalled for too imo, although I get you were annoyed at what he said.

Also re. meetings .. if I know I have to be at a certain place at a certain time for my DC I absolutely will wind a meeting up on time. I don't have a partner at home to pick up the slack with DC and clients have to respect that these things can't run over.

Poppins2016 · 04/11/2021 14:40

@MostlyCloudy9C

I've never lied!

For more context - pre covid he was FT in the office and would frequently be the one calling me to say he was staying for 'a couple' whilst I'd always be the one rushing to get the kids on time and doing bedtime etc.

Now it's the opposite as I'm going in, and maybe 3 times in the last 6 months I've had 'a couple' after work, told him about it and got home usually in time to make dinner.

I wonder whether your DH also makes the excuse of "staying late at work" when he's actually having a drink. Could that be why he's accused you of doing the same?

OhamIreally · 05/11/2021 06:08

He's resentful because in his eyes the natural order has been reversed.
OP sallies forth each day and he has primary responsibility for the kids.
No longer able to travel abroad and escape his responsibility or stay out for the oft touted "couple" he's finding ways to put OP back in her box.
Leaving kids home alone to force OP to rush back was a power play. She didn't respond quite as he thought she should - he even suspects she's held her nerve enough to stay out for a drink (what he would have done). "Forgetting" keys is a further power play to force you back into the box whilst he is free to be out knowing he has little wifey at home to let him in.
Now he's doubling down with his one word answers. He's seething and this won't end well.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/11/2021 11:51

@OhamIreally

He's resentful because in his eyes the natural order has been reversed. OP sallies forth each day and he has primary responsibility for the kids. No longer able to travel abroad and escape his responsibility or stay out for the oft touted "couple" he's finding ways to put OP back in her box. Leaving kids home alone to force OP to rush back was a power play. She didn't respond quite as he thought she should - he even suspects she's held her nerve enough to stay out for a drink (what he would have done). "Forgetting" keys is a further power play to force you back into the box whilst he is free to be out knowing he has little wifey at home to let him in. Now he's doubling down with his one word answers. He's seething and this won't end well.

Absolutely spot on

I don't think he actually thinks she went for a drink. He's just letting slip that that's what he would have done, while jabbing at her for not jumping to his command.

This is hardly unusual behaviour. I know plenty of men who 'had to work late' a lot, or who take up marathon running, or cycling, while they had babies and toddlers.

MN is full of their resentful spouses.

MerryMarigold · 05/11/2021 12:48

@Everanewbie

I have a client facing job too, and if there are child care issues, or my partner has something on, yes, absolutely explain that the meeting has an end point prior to commencing.

Unless you're performing life saving surgery, or arresting a criminal I just don't buy the 'work ran over' stuff when family are relying on you.

He wasn't relying on her. He was going out for a jolly which he could be late for. And the 12yo was in the house with the 8yo. Neither of these are desperate reasons to cut short a client meeting in a new job.

Original poster

MostlyCloudy9C · 05/11/2021 13:52

Yeah, to be honest me leaving a little late actually had zero impact on DH as he left at the same time he was planning. Just meant the kids were along slightly longer. Which is less of a big deal than me cutting short my clients when I'm presenting to them!

Anyway he's apologised now and said he didn't mean it and he'll never say it again...

OP posts:

billy1966 · 05/11/2021 14:16

@MostlyCloudy9C

Anyway he's apologised now and said he didn't mean it and he'll never say it again...

Good for you OP.

It's a slippery slope.

Some men will give you as much guff as you will take.

Nip it in the bud.

hopingbutlosing · 05/11/2021 14:29

I don't have a partner at home to pick up the slack with DC and clients have to respect that these things can't run over.

But the OP does have a partner and her being late didn't inconvenience him at all. He's was being a dick. Nice to see he apologised.

LakieLady · 05/11/2021 15:56

@OhamIreally

He's resentful because in his eyes the natural order has been reversed. OP sallies forth each day and he has primary responsibility for the kids. No longer able to travel abroad and escape his responsibility or stay out for the oft touted "couple" he's finding ways to put OP back in her box. Leaving kids home alone to force OP to rush back was a power play. She didn't respond quite as he thought she should - he even suspects she's held her nerve enough to stay out for a drink (what he would have done). "Forgetting" keys is a further power play to force you back into the box whilst he is free to be out knowing he has little wifey at home to let him in. Now he's doubling down with his one word answers. He's seething and this won't end well.

You are so right, @OhamIreally.

And it's an insulting way to carry on with your partner, with whom you are supposed to be in an equal relationship.

ParmigianoReggiano · 05/11/2021 16:35

Glad to hear he's apologised, OP.

billy1966 · 05/11/2021 16:46

@OhamIreally excellent and accurate analysis.

OP needs to watch him carefully and respond sharply to any further attempts to act the twat.

Clearly resents not being able to avoid pulling his weight.

KurtWilde · 05/11/2021 16:51

@hopingbutlosing

I don't have a partner at home to pick up the slack with DC and clients have to respect that these things can't run over.

But the OP does have a partner and her being late didn't inconvenience him at all. He's was being a dick. Nice to see he apologised.

Maybe he just didn't like the idea having to leave his DC for longer than they'd initially planned.

MerryMarigold · 05/11/2021 16:52

Glad he apologized for one bit of bad behavior, but let's hope he can apologize for the rest now otherwise it's about something he said off-the-cuff and not the other issues which all feed a bigger picture.

Anonanon1234 · 05/11/2021 17:29

@MostlyCloudy9C

So I think I am NBU from the comments.

The irony being now he IS out and IS drinking and has told me he hasn't got a key and I now need to 'be fair' and wait up to let him in, despite being fucking knackered

Fuck that. Put a key under the mat, or in a plant pot...if he can't find it in his drunken state..his fault. Man child 100%

Anonanon1234 · 05/11/2021 17:34

Sorry, I'm two days late aren't I

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