Step sister and Christmas presents

[Penguinday]

I have wanted to stop exchanging presents with my step sister for a couple of years now. She decided we would buy for each other’s children when we both had our first kids the same year. They’re 6 now. She suggested £50 budget which I thought was too much. (To spend that at Christmas and for birthdays) She made a big thing of it so stupidly, I ended up agreeing to it.

However, she blatantly did not spend that on my child the first year. £20 at very most. Then every birthday and Christmas since she has bought my child clothing from the M&S 3for2. Our oldest children are same age so she is likely buying 2 things for her DC and then giving the free one to mine! She sometimes even leaves the sticker on.

I have tried to bring this up yet her and other family members make out that I’m being greedy and/or ungrateful! It’s not even about the money now, it’s the feeling of being made a fool of.

I’m not rich either, if anything her and her boyfriend have more money than us.

Any advice on how to approach it please and actually stop exchanging presents.

Time to start acting like DSS but get in first this year. “My Clementine-Ariabella would like a Birkin Bag in pastel pink crocodile skin because that vile Kasper Perkins Sjabloom-Kascjoffski at nursery attacked her last one with crayola. Ruined!!! Also, please make sure that the hardware is ACTUALLY gold this time please. We can all agree that rose gold is a bit twee, etc. (Maybe adopt seven more kids too.)

She is taking the pure piss out of you, and so blatantly too. The only way to deal with CF’s like her is to be upfront. Simply tell her you can’t affford/don’t want to spend so much on her kid anymore. Or if you don’t feel brave enough for that give her a list of acceptable and expensive presents that your DD would like, just like she does you.

It's really strange that you don't stand up for your own little family or yourself against your step sister

You said you'll lose in eyes of wider family whatever you do and you can't afford £50- so why not just do what you want and can afford? If you'll get moaned at anyway

Buy a £6-8 gift for her DD/DS - it doesn't matter whether they like it or not as their mum/ aunt doesn't care if your DD likes hers

Reply to any texts from Dsis "no thanks to suggestions I've already bought Xmas present (even if you haven't)" or if she sends it early "no thanks I will chose my own gift for her"

Wrap present, give it with a smile

Don't get involved in what Dsis wants or says

DSis can let herself sound a grabby cow if she complains about your present - you just reply " I don't understand Dsis , gift is same value you gift you gave DD last few years - anyway Xmas isn't about money, you shouldn't be so petty & ungrateful"

I'd just be very 'nice'.

No dramas...no discussion.....no confrontation....

When you exchange gifts....just hand your niece's gift over, with a genuine smile. The gift is what you can afford and what you're happy to spend.

If she raises it with you after Christmas....I'd just smile politely and say....sorry but its what I can afford and I genuinely thought that was our budget, based on what you've bought my DC past two Christmases. So thank you.

Smile throughout......no confrontation.......no animosity

Why are you talking to your mum about it? Just send your sister a text saying "money is tight this year, so let's put the budget down to £20, send me stuff DN wants in that price range and I'll do the same for my child". You're a mum and adult, you don't need to run to your mother to complain and expect her to intervene, you don't need to buy her gifts in the sale and pass them off as more expensive, just be up front!

It's really strange that you don't stand up for your own little family or yourself against your step sister

I’m not sure it is strange. It’s clearly a long running family dynamic where the OP has learned that she cannot risk upsetting her stepsister without being scapegoated. And her stepsister has learned that everyone gives in to her demands and does not challenge her.

So it probably does feel extremely risky to do anything. Even saying something to her own mother has backfired.

There's no point posting if you are going to ignore everything that everyone is telling you. You're clearly going to carry on.
It's really not hard, your choice is carry this on forever more while your kids clearly get shit gifts and by following her logic then aren't loved??? You spend more on her kids and then yours get less, is that really fair? You could specify a £50 gift back but I 100% guarantee she's going to do the "oh so sorry I already got their gifts". Grow up and simply say "due to covid, things getting so much more expensive, tightening belts etc we have needed to scale back this year and will be only getting token gifts for family this year with a maximum spend of £10. X and y get plenty already so please either just get them a token gift back or just a selection box as they would love this." end of conversation, your dad can say what he wants, your mum can say what she wants, don't enter into the conversations about it. The answer is simple, sorry we don't have the money and it's unnecessary to spend so much every year. Repeat. Or carry on as you are and stop moaning about it because you're an adult and can just say and stop. You'll feel so much better once you just deal with it.

Stop caring about her reaction.

Let her send you lists, and have a list ready to send back to her as well.

Then ignore the list and buy exactly the same the same things she buys for your DC for her DC. and when she complains you went off list go oops, so did you hahahaha how funny we are!

I'd keep doing it. Who gives a fuck about her, she doesn't care about you or put thought into gifts for your DC., Giving her kids the same type of gifts she gives yours can't be wrong surely?

I'd actually slowly start 'forgetting' gifts, and handing them over later and later (buy the gifts in the sales), why do you have to spend Christmas around her? Spend Christmas at home or with people who do love you and enjoy your company and who you want to be around.

She can ask for all she wants but she can’t physically make you spend your money so stand the f up for yourself and put a stop to this.

If people get huffy etc let them. Stand firm.
This is why I cut back on Christmas gifting, it’s meant to be the most wonderful time of the year yet all you hear is people filled with angst over presents they can’t afford for people they don’t like

A gift is a 'gift'. It shouldn't come with terms and conditions.

You need to stop being afraid of her and your mum. You’re a grown-ass woman and you also know what you can and can’t afford. (Also what you WANT to spend on this arsehole)
Just text -
“Budget’s really tight. Have already bought presents this year.”
If she kicks off, just say,
“You need to think about your level of entitlement just stop. I’m bowing out of this conversation before you embarrass yourself further.”

I completely understand you predictment. My exSil was like this and when they get older asks for cash. One year I responded that I had already purchased gift so she told me to return it and give Dn cash. One year in her opinion I didn't put enough money in card so I received a nasty text asking for more money. As soon as my DB and her separated I told him no more presents or cash and life has been a lot less Afro

My DSIL and I are very different, but pretty close. (Mutual enemy, maybe? 😉) I should also explain that we live on opposite sides of Australia, and due to travel costs, etc, while we speak often, have only met each other’s kids twice IRL. (DH is the only one from our family who has met their youngest.) Anyhow, when the kids were very little, she used to post a box for each of our three kids full of little things, which was a lovely idea. I know she put a lot of thought into this, but as she barely knew my kids, it was often stuff they had to fake enthusiasm for to be polite, and often the extortionate cost of postage here (it’s criminal) exceeded the value of the presents in the first place. (Not at all the point, but it seemed like a waste, IYKWIM) For a couple of years I followed suit, then I decided to brave up and speak honestly to her. I explained that while I loved the thought and effort that went into the boxes, I felt anxious about buying things for her kids because felt like I didn’t know her kids well enough to choose things that they would really love and get some use out of. I also explained how I felt about the cost of postage here in Aus and the glacier-like speed of service compared to everywhere else I have lived on the planet, and how I resented that part as well. I asked if she would be offended if perhaps I sent her kids gift certificates instead to stores that supported their personal interests, like sport, art, whatever… and was happy to take her lead with that one.
Her response? “Well, Thank Fuck you brought it up!!!”
It’s now permanent. Amen. (Also fixed amount.)

I'm a bit confused, is she your biological half sister (one shared parent) or your step sister (child of step parent so no biological link)? I can understand why you've avoided a confrontation so far as the implications are far reaching. Can you block her or would there be consequences?

Oh FFS! It's not difficult if you are a mature grown adult. And if you aren't you shouldn't be having children. She does this because she says jump and you say how high. You LET her do this, you let her disrespect your children. She is making a mockery of your children and if you won't find your backbone and stand up for your children, who will? Just find your Mama bear instinct and be insulted at the gifts she gets, and just text/email "I won't be buying any gifts this year, I think it's the wrong message to send children. I will understand if you give nothing, but please be advised I won't be giving any gifts this Christmas. This matter is closed for discussion, I won't be replying to any attempts to change my mind."

End of.

It's really that fucking simple! If you're adult enough to have children, you should be adult enough to email that. Anything else makes you a doormat and in that case I have no sympathy for you.

Honestly the simplest approach would be accepting your kid is going to get a shit present, so you pick up some shit worth maximum £10 next time you go food shopping like in a tesco and wrap that up and give it to her kid. If she sends you specific links just say yes yes great idea and give that original item you picked up for said kid. If she says anything just say oh damn I don't recall and literally leave it at that. Basically just wash your hands from their emotional response and refuse to engage (if you hate conflict so much). Door mat breeds door mat and you don't want your kid role modeling that