Step sister and Christmas presents

[Penguinday]

I have wanted to stop exchanging presents with my step sister for a couple of years now. She decided we would buy for each other’s children when we both had our first kids the same year. They’re 6 now. She suggested £50 budget which I thought was too much. (To spend that at Christmas and for birthdays) She made a big thing of it so stupidly, I ended up agreeing to it.

However, she blatantly did not spend that on my child the first year. £20 at very most. Then every birthday and Christmas since she has bought my child clothing from the M&S 3for2. Our oldest children are same age so she is likely buying 2 things for her DC and then giving the free one to mine! She sometimes even leaves the sticker on.

I have tried to bring this up yet her and other family members make out that I’m being greedy and/or ungrateful! It’s not even about the money now, it’s the feeling of being made a fool of.

I’m not rich either, if anything her and her boyfriend have more money than us.

Any advice on how to approach it please and actually stop exchanging presents.

Just dont offer an explanation or open it up to conversation just a simple "hi, circumstances are charged blah blah blah, we're not buying for anyone outside of our immediate family (eg, DH and kids) please don't buy our children gifts as we won't be reciprocating"

She can't make you spend a certain amount, she can request toys, but simply buy what you want to. I honestly can't believe someone would be so grabby to comment on how much a present cost. If however she does comment simply say it's the thought that counts. If she kicks off ignore her. The best way to stop playing this tug of war with her is to drop the rope. Just stop engaging. If she cries ignore her, if she shouts at you walk away. She can't force you to do anything you don't want to do

Take back power here. Just stop. Message her now “just to let you know I’m not buying you or your kids xmas presents this year. We’re cutting back. Happy to still do cards and maybe a joint trip to see a panto or something but we’re not spending money on stuff nobody needs anymore”
Be blunt. It’s liberating. If she or anyone kicks off, call them on it. To her you would say “I’m sorry you feel that way but we’re not made of money. No more gifts. See you soon” and to others “I’m surprised you care enough about this to message me. It’s our decision what money we can or can’t afford and to be honest we’re a bit pissed off with all of this. Our finances are our private business. Don’t message me about this again”
Fuck all of them

Do it. Message her now. Go on. Tell her what’s what. Own your life

@Beautiful3

Just message back, "Hi, we have decided not to buy presents for extended family, for Christmas and birthdays. Please don't buy anything for x. We will continue to send cards. Thank you." That's what we did around 5 years ago!!! It was the best thing we ever did!. No more crap and I could buy better presents for my children and I got something too, for a change!

^^ this.

Fantastic. Common sense. No drama and realistic enjoyment of Christmas. No one gets grabby hurt

Yes. Stop engaging with all of them and just buy something you like/can afford.

Why don’t you when you get the request for whatever toy it is, say great idea, mine would love one of those too. Then suggest you buy one yourselves each and just exchange tags. Your kids get nice gifts, you don’t need to tag it f you don’t want to. if her kids don’t get the nice gift it’s on her.

As others have said when she sends you a link just say sorry I have already bought something

Then get what you want for what you can afford. If she says anything then be honest and say you can’t afford expensive toys, and it would appear she cant as well judging by what she has bought your child

Then say maybe we cut it down to £10 for Xmas and £10 for birthday

And if your mother kicks off tell her you can’t afford it, does she want to give you the difference

We buy our own gifts and label it from the other and just grab it when doing our own Christmas shopping. That way they only get what you know they will play with and it feels less hassle. So I will send a pic what I’ve got my daughter and send it to my sister to see and then put her name on it. Then it doesn’t matter how much we spent

Your sil is not the boss of you.
Usually a price suggestion means do not spend more than X price.
Gift suggestions are not rules you need to blindly obey.
Choose gifts based on what you can afford, and what you feel ok in giving. A fun gift the DC will enjoy.
Do not mention anything about your dissatisfaction with what you or your DC recieved.
Remember what the season is about, and only think about what the step nephew would enjoy. ( I doubt it is clothing, ha ha.)

I think you should consider a Hungry Hungry Hippo game. DC will love it. adults, not so much!

If you want to continue the gift giving maybe suggest that the cousins choose something instead Max spend £10.

I’d just say you’ve already bought something for them, you are sure they’ll love.

Buy her kids something to the same value as the gifts she buys your kids. Stop caring about what she or other family members might say - they obviously think very little of your feelings so don't worry so much about theirs.

www.olasoceantribe.com/blogs/plastic-crisis/top-5-charities-that-are-fighting-to-protect-our-worlds-oceans-how-you-can-get-involved

Dear Stepsister and wider family, I've set up a standing order for £50 every December in all our childrens' name as part of COP21 aim to reduce plastic tat. It's for all our children's future so that they feel loved. Plastic is not just for Christmas it's for life. I just know you'll understand

** COP26 !!

sorry wrong year!!

How about a truth bomb? Dear SS and Mum. For Christmas this year I’m going to end this farce and stop pretending buying presents for anyone except my own kids. Thanks.

This year when she sends her request, tell her you've already bought the gift.
Buy something nice but small you can afford.
If she asks, tell her something also small for your child.
Stick to your guns and make it smaller every year til you phase it out.
She sounds super annoying as well as cheap.

I honestly could get myself worked up to give a shit what these people might think of be given how rude she is. If your mum cries petty etc tell her it’s none of her business, you are adults and capable of making your own decisions. I would send something from the M&S offer

This is the third present post I've commented on today. People are getting stressed and arguing/considering not giving presents. Give something you think they'd like and tell her you've found the perfect present. 50 quid is insane!!!

Apart from not understanding how/why anyone in your wider family needs to know what you're spending on each others gifts, there are some excellent suggestions here about how to stop. Take control, say no more gifts and enjoy the peace. You are not responsible for her (re)actions - although you may need to reiterate this to your wider family.

You've been given lots of ways to stop this nonsense, it's up to you to decide which one you're going to do!

Martin Lewis woulfd have a hissy fit at this thread

MN is like Doormat Central today.

Send fancy toys to her too…