Step sister and Christmas presents

[Penguinday]

I have wanted to stop exchanging presents with my step sister for a couple of years now. She decided we would buy for each other’s children when we both had our first kids the same year. They’re 6 now. She suggested £50 budget which I thought was too much. (To spend that at Christmas and for birthdays) She made a big thing of it so stupidly, I ended up agreeing to it.

However, she blatantly did not spend that on my child the first year. £20 at very most. Then every birthday and Christmas since she has bought my child clothing from the M&S 3for2. Our oldest children are same age so she is likely buying 2 things for her DC and then giving the free one to mine! She sometimes even leaves the sticker on.

I have tried to bring this up yet her and other family members make out that I’m being greedy and/or ungrateful! It’s not even about the money now, it’s the feeling of being made a fool of.

I’m not rich either, if anything her and her boyfriend have more money than us.

Any advice on how to approach it please and actually stop exchanging presents.

Kick off like she does and if your mum criticises you then tell her you will cut her off from her natural gc if she doesn’t support you, and stick to it.

Get them all a selection box from the pound shop. If she falls out with you BE GLAD. She's sounds like a nightmare. Just because she's your sister you don't have to put up with shitty behaviour.

OP you won't win with these family dimensions so in the nicest sense, put your brave pants on, pick one of the options given above and just ignore any dramas, don't let her or your mum drag you into anything, ignore-grey rock the drama

1. when given a suggestion from her, just say you've already sorted something and ignore any asking what it is - chose something you want to give

2. say not doing any presents this year

3. send a £50 specific gift request for your child (but I'd wager she'd happily ignore it)

4. suggest she sort her kids present from you, and you sort your child's present from her so no fuss or extra hassle and helps each of your kids get what they'd like 😊

If you really can’t tell your step-Suster you can’t do gifts anymore then maybe just buy your niece something for £10 and when your step-sister sends you a link to a specific item tell her you’re sorry but you’ve already bought a gift to give her as you were trying to get Christmas shopping done early this year.

[quote Penguinday]@MolkosTeenageAngst I have suggested that angle before but she said she wants her DC to be bought presents by family as it makes them feel loved. Which I understand and so then felt guilty.[/quote]
That is ridiculous and speaks volumes, receiving presents does not equate to love! But then you already know this.

OP you are between a rock and a hard place, so pick up the rock and smash it up i.e tell her what you want either no presents or a lower price limit. If she doesn't like it, tough!

When she sends you demands of what she wants, tell her you’ve already done your Christmas shopping and you’ve spent the budget. Then offer her £50 worth of suggestions for your kids.

You will have to stick up for yourself as no one else will.

Realistically there is no point in complaining about it or getting upset if you are not willing to do something about it. Stop finding excuses...just say....we want to save money this year so will be limiting all gifts to £10, after all it is the thought that counts. Then stick to it. If anyone complains just say you are not going to get into debt over Christmas presents.

Are you this assertive in other aspects of your life?

For gods sake just do the same back. Either buy a lower value gift or send her details if an expensive gift you want for your child.

You really have allowed this issue to build and should have put a stop to it sooner.

C'mon OP you can do this.
Leave your Mum and her husband out of it. Text your DSis and tell her that you've decided to cut back on spending this year. You'll still get your niece a little something but it will be less expensive than usual and you'd appreciate her doing the same for your DD. End of conversation.

Surely the obvious solution is to buy her exactly what she bought for your daughter last year. An £8 item from M&S. If she sends you a link with what to buy say "sorry I already bought something, I'm being so organised this year!"

Omg OP, why are you allowing yourself to be bullied like this by step-sis and family.

Make sure THIS is the year that things change.

Don’t you dare spend £50!

Text her and say money is tight this year so let’s just do selection boxes this year and then get each child a £1 box.

You are over-thinking this to a quite remarkable extent.

Most buy the kids presents within whatever budget you can afford.

If she kicks off, she kicks off. Let her.

Who cares?

I don’t even know why so many people are suggesting ‘texting’ or ‘saying something to her’.

Why?

Don’t say or text anything - just buy within your budget. Like everyone does all over the world at Christmas time.

If she kindly 🙄 sends you ideas, say you’ve already bought gifts.

I would just very factually say ‘I won’t be buying Christmas presents for XX this year, nothing personal’

Add in the MN tinkly laugh if required 😂

I have never understood posts like this.

Just send a message saying you no longer wish to continue buying for each others children.

I wouldn't expand further than that.

Try it, it is liberating.

Just say you’re cutting down on present spending and that at most you’ll spend 10 pounds and that you’re sure she’ll understand.

I would tell her you are cutting down on gifts this year due to environmental issue in the world. You will be spending £20 on her kids and would like her to do the same. Then give her a specific toy to buy for your child.

Buy her a tube of jellytots and be done with it. She's taking the piss but only because you're letting her.

[quote Penguinday]@Cocomarine No with this type of situation she’d probably just kick off and not talk to me for a while. Or them as well if she thinks they aren’t sticking up for her.

I’ve talked to DM about it. The first time she said I was being petty and greedy. Then when I brought it up after a different occasion she said it wasn’t nice talking like that about step sister and she would have spent time choosing a nice present.[/quote]
Just stop. You can't do right for doing wrong so stop giving a fuck what any of them think about you. They are not privy to your finances so can't dictate how much you spend. Send a message tonight stating that "I just want to let you know that we will no longer be exchanging Christmas gifts so please don't buy for my dc". And that's it done - if she texts giving out just ignore her and ignore anyone else who tries to make it their business. It's nobody's business but yours and you are adult enough to decide what your money is spent on.

Seriously. Don’t say / tell / text anything.

Just do. What you want. Within your means.

Problem solved.

You're being bullied into spending money on her child. Has she ever written you a thank you card?

Anyway. Obviously a number of ways to deal with it. A non-confrontational reply would be:

"That's a lovely toy! I'd love to get that for your dd. You buy it from us, and I'll spend the same on my DD's present from you. She would like XXX which is a little more than our £50 budget, but I'm happy to make up the difference for you. See you at Christmas!"

You couod say that you're so relieved she's lowered the cost going by the present she got your child last year, but you must have missed the text, so it's 10 quid per child yea?!?.... And big thumbs up.

Just reply that you already have your Christmas shopping done and spend whatever you want to then pay it no mind.
You're allowing them to walk all over you it's time to put a stop to it.

You need to stop worrying what others think about you or tell your sis that you've bought a £10 gift so please don't spend more than that on your child. You're an adult woman- channel your cf stepsister and do it

What happens if you send her something your DD would like? Does she just ignore it ?