Step sister and Christmas presents

[Penguinday]

I have wanted to stop exchanging presents with my step sister for a couple of years now. She decided we would buy for each other’s children when we both had our first kids the same year. They’re 6 now. She suggested £50 budget which I thought was too much. (To spend that at Christmas and for birthdays) She made a big thing of it so stupidly, I ended up agreeing to it.

However, she blatantly did not spend that on my child the first year. £20 at very most. Then every birthday and Christmas since she has bought my child clothing from the M&S 3for2. Our oldest children are same age so she is likely buying 2 things for her DC and then giving the free one to mine! She sometimes even leaves the sticker on.

I have tried to bring this up yet her and other family members make out that I’m being greedy and/or ungrateful! It’s not even about the money now, it’s the feeling of being made a fool of.

I’m not rich either, if anything her and her boyfriend have more money than us.

Any advice on how to approach it please and actually stop exchanging presents.

@Penguinday

Thank you for your replies.

The problem I have is that she messages me with specific toys that she wants me to buy. And I’m worried if I obviously spend less then the rest of the family will say I’m in the wrong.

So - dont buy them, buy what you want to - if she doesnt follow the rules, then for fucks sake dont be so wet and buy something for the amount you want to - or make a donation in her childs name

You have two choices; either you say that you don't want to give presents to each other's kids from now on, or you carry on as you are and feel more and more resentful about it.

You could either ignore her requests or suggest a lower limit, of course, but I reckon that putting a stop to it will be cleaner and less stressful in the long run.

I also wonder about the family dynamic here, is there a history of her being the favoured child? Is there realistically a chance of you being pushed out if you don't pander to her?

Unfortunately, this is one of those sticking plaster moments, when you have to take a deep breath and feel some pain for a short time, if you want to get the problem sorted.

With the exception of a winter coat, is it even possible to spend £50 on a single clothing item for a 6yo in M&S? Seems a bit high to me. I don’t think it matters if it’s the “free” item from a 3 for 2 - that’s her business.

Honestly - don’t be so wet.

I’d understand fear of family upset if she was paying £50 and you couldn’t afford that. But she isn’t.

Either tell her you’re not doing presents - just tell her. Or, send what you want to, and if she has the cheek to say, “that’s not £50” then tell her that you both stopped doing that years ago - and wave her M&S item in her face 🤷🏻‍♀️

Come on, you’re an adult. Just do it.

Just don't buy the thing she tells you to buy. Buy her something cheap.

How are you bringing it up?
If her suggestion was a maximum of £50, and all your family are hearing is you complaining about an M&S dress under £50 with the price still on - then yes, you would sound greedy and ungrateful.
It’s only in the context of her requesting a specific £50 toy that it is rude of her.

How are other family members getting their beaks in? It all sounds rather odd.
Don’t make any excuses - just say, “£50 is too much for me, my budget is £x.” Say it directly to her. Anyone else putting their nose in, “yes, I suggested we reduce it to £x. I can’t afford £50.”

@Penguinday

Thank you for your replies.

The problem I have is that she messages me with specific toys that she wants me to buy. And I’m worried if I obviously spend less then the rest of the family will say I’m in the wrong.

Text her back with even more expensive gifts you want for your kids 😜

Just message back, "Hi, we have decided not to buy presents for extended family, for Christmas and birthdays. Please don't buy anything for x. We will continue to send cards. Thank you." That's what we did around 5 years ago!!! It was the best thing we ever did!. No more crap and I could buy better presents for my children and I got something too, for a change!

"I really don't want to embarrass her by spending a lot more than she does, once she realises afterwards how much more the gifts on her DC's list have ended up costing; so I deliberately buy gifts to the same budget that she usually does."

Say the same directly to her (with adjusted pronouns), if she's brazen enough to complain that her cushy 'deal' has come to an end.

I really cannot see how any family member can possibly justify expecting you to routinely spend a lot more than she does - especially when they're better off than you are.

Just stop spending that much money?! I get that some people have “strong personalities” (pushy arseholes) but people who don’t respect their own limits on this kind of thing just get walked over all the time. Not having a go at you but even if I’d been brow beaten into the 50 quid limit initially, like fuck it would have happened again after the first time. They’d be getting whatever my limit was from then on, if they were lucky. And
Bugger all if they weren’t.

Hi, thank you for your advice everyone.

The family dynamic is that I will end up in the wrong if I say something.

Mum won’t say anything to her. She is happy to criticise me but won’t criticise her. She did used to, but my Sisters response was either tears and how hard she’s finding everything or just stop talking to the family. Then it gets brushed under the carpet eventually. But over the years Mum now seems almost scared of upsetting her. And obviously her Dad Will side with her. Even though surely everyone can see it isn’t fair.

The jumper was £8 at M&S, which is obviously way under the £50. And if you spread the cost over 3 items then it wouldn’t have even been £6. It’s ridiculous. And no my DC wouldn’t be fussed about clothes for Christmas. And annoys me even more that I get sent fancy wooden toys to buy.

Text her back with even more expensive gifts you want for your kids

"My DC have really set their hearts on one of these each - I've checked prices and, luckily for us, it's just in budget! I'll tell them that their favourite DA will be getting it for them, thanks so much."

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll I wish I could be brave enough to send that!

Only 2 answers,
Buy cheaper
Stop altogether

I had similar with my sister who seems sensible in every other regard and not short of cash. She would say "how much should we spend at Xmas? And ask for a voucher for that amount. Then buy mine a gift for obviously less. It took me years to work out that actually she was dividing 40 quid between my 3.
I judged then and still do now. I knocked it on the head pronto once I twigged and just ceased buying her kids anything!

Tell her you're not buying anymore now the kids are older and leave it at that

Right, but how does that family dynamic even occur?

If you say to her, “I’m not doing £50”, what happens - she runs to her dad and your mum and cries?

And then you say, “she’s being ridiculous, her £50 present last year was an £8 dress” (you sound petty if you get into the 3for2)

What happens then?

Honestly, if that doesn’t make the STFU, I would distance myself from the lot of them. Let your mum be scared of upsetting you for a change.

Practise saying, “this is fucking ridiculous and none of your business” in the mirror, ready to say it to your mum or stepdad.

You will feel SO much better when you don’t let her pull you into this crap!

@SpiderinaWingMirror

Only 2 answers, Buy cheaper Stop altogether

I had similar with my sister who seems sensible in every other regard and not short of cash. She would say "how much should we spend at Xmas? And ask for a voucher for that amount. Then buy mine a gift for obviously less. It took me years to work out that actually she was dividing 40 quid between my 3.
I judged then and still do now. I knocked it on the head pronto once I twigged and just ceased buying her kids anything!

was she buying for 3 but had 1 ? was the same amount spent on each family?

I would text her and say it’s silly for you both to have to send out wish lists and then for to go out and spend £50 on a gift for her child and her to spend £50 on yours and that this year you will use the agreed budget to buy your child a gift and put a label on it from her and please can she do the same. Then you can just buy your DD a £5 gift you know she’ll like if you want and she can spend her own £50 on her child and say it’s from you if she really wants to, although I imagine she won’t!

@Cocomarine No with this type of situation she’d probably just kick off and not talk to me for a while. Or them as well if she thinks they aren’t sticking up for her.

I’ve talked to DM about it. The first time she said I was being petty and greedy. Then when I brought it up after a different occasion she said it wasn’t nice talking like that about step sister and she would have spent time choosing a nice present.

@MolkosTeenageAngst I have suggested that angle before but she said she wants her DC to be bought presents by family as it makes them feel loved. Which I understand and so then felt guilty.

Well let her kick off and enjoy her not talking to you then!

I can see that your mum wouldn’t want to listen to your petty squabbles about it not once but twice. She may only be a stepdaughter, but it’s still a bit crap listening to one child moan about the other. My husband has two adult daughters and he won’t listen to moaning from them about the other. He’s listen to a genuine request for his advice on handling something - but not be an outlet for whinging.

You’ve complained about family being involved, but you’re the one dragging your mum in, twice.

Why are you even in contact with these people? Seriously, work on your boundaries. If my DM treated me like this I would be NC and I recommend you go NC with your mum, your step dad and your step sister. Problem solved.

Stop being a doormat. Just stop. You don’t need to keep everyone happy. When your step sis suggests a present just say it’s too late and you already bought something lovely. Then buy your niece a less expensive gift. Job done. No stressing needed!

You’ve had the answer then, don’t say anything and just get a cheaper present and tell her you’ve already got her DC a gift and you’re sure that someone else will be able to get whatever it is.

You say your mum is scared of her but you clearly are as well.

I would just tell her you have decided to give to charity this year so you would appreciate it if she didn't buy presents as you are not buying any yourself and you are letting her know in good time so as to avoid any offence being taken.