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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Has DH lied, or should I let this go?

100 replies

sentimentalsteph · 31/10/2021 14:36

I work at the same place as DH. We were out on Friday night for a work social and I was chatting to some colleagues who I don't know that well. The conversation got onto an ex colleague of ours who left a little while ago. One of the women commented to me "I bet you're glad she's left!". I questioned why this would be, and the women looked awkward, and then said, because of how she was with DH. They then went on to tell me that they thought it was common knowledge that she really fancied him, and that she used to be quite inappropriate with him including sending texts coming onto him. I had no idea about this.

I asked DH and he admitted that it was all true, but he didn't tell me because he knew how upset and angry I would be, he thought it would make it awkward at work for me and her, and there was never anything in it for him so what would be the point of upsetting me.

I feel really mortified that lots of people at our work knew about this and I didn't. AIBU?

OP posts:

SunnyLeaf · 31/10/2021 14:38

I would want to see the texts… unless they are mysteriously deleted

SoupDragon · 31/10/2021 14:42

@SunnyLeaf

I would want to see the texts… unless they are mysteriously deleted

Why would it be mysterious to delete unsolicited texts? I would have deleted them.

SoupDragon · 31/10/2021 14:43

It boils down to whether you trust him or not.

How was he when he admitted it for example?

Bathtoy · 31/10/2021 14:44

Did you not work with this woman, too? Surely if it was all that obvious she was coming on to your husband, you'd have noticed it yourself? Or are you all in different departments, or something?

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2021 14:45

How humiliating. I’d be incredibly hurt and angry. Either you’re a team or you’re not.

How did these people even know? Did she tell them? Did he? Was it that obvious people could see it for themselves?

I’d be wondering what else he hadn’t told me under the guise of trying to protect me.

He’s your husband, not your father.

SoniaFouler · 31/10/2021 14:46

Hmm I’m not sure. It’s not like they said they were inappropriate or flirting together, the way you’ve told it makes it sound like it was firmly a one way street

StrangeAddiction · 31/10/2021 14:48

I've voted YANBU but I can sort of understand his reasons, it would have been awkward for all involved if you knew which tbh isn't your problem but hers for being inappropriate BUT I think since it was common knowledge to everyone but me I would be absolutely pissed off that I was the last to know and made to look a right mug at your works do!

Lovinglife45 · 31/10/2021 14:49

I understand why you are upset. Your dh should have informed you about this woman. There should be no secrets in marriage. I would be questioning other reasons why he hid this, did he secretly enjoy the flattery and ego boosting? Telling you would have put an immediate stop to it.

Now you are dealing with the humiliation that colleagues knew about it yet you were left in the dark. If your dh had nothing to hide this should have come up in conversation.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/10/2021 14:51

Depends really. You had to work together so would you have very quietly gone up and told her to back off, or would you have gone up and punched her in the face. He has done nothing to make you suspicious there doesn't seem to be any suggestions of it being a mutual attraction.

Original poster

sentimentalsteph · 31/10/2021 14:53

I do trust him, but I am quite an insecure person and he knows this, which is why I think he didn't tell me. But that makes me feel worse not better now I know about it!

I don't work in the same department as DH. So this woman worked much more closely with DH than I do. So I wouldn't have noticed as I very rarely saw them together. She still knows I exist though and has met me, so still shitty behaviour from her.

I don't know how they knew exactly. I felt so embarrassed I didn't ask that many questions. They just said they thought I would be aware and looked really sheepish that I wasn't!

I asked what exactly the texts said and whether I could see them, but he said he doesn't have any texts from her now. He said she sent him some stupid messages when she was drunk but he "can't remember" exactly what they said as it was ages ago but they were flirty. He said he never replied and just deleted them straight away.

I am really thrown by this as this is a colleague who used to text him sometimes about work stuff, I have seen texts between them in the past. I did know she was very friendly with him and guess thinking back now I could have seen she may have a crush on him, but certainly had no idea about the extent these people are suggesting or that there were unsolicited messages.

He was okay when I confronted him, he was really apologetic and said it was just a bit awkward for him because he had to work with her and he didn't want it to make me upset too.

OP posts:

NeverChange · 31/10/2021 15:00

I don't think your husband should have kept it from you but I can see why he did.

What if you had approached her in the workplace (I would find it very difficult not to if I were you) and all the fall out that could come from that.

Don't want to tar all men with the same brush but a lot operate on a "anything for a quiet life" basis. A wiser man who have given you the heads up, especially after she left.

TrulyPistoff · 31/10/2021 15:00

Had it been a man sending inappropriate texts to a female work colleague he (rightly) would get a warning or even get fired. Your DH should at least have told her to stop it immediately as he is married and not interested. I would feel very hurt if my DH hadn’t done this and just pretended like nothing. Disrespectful to you.

Pugmumm · 31/10/2021 15:02

No YANBU. I would be more worried your DH didn't tell you, to just clear the air. What was he hiding? A drunken kiss?

Pugmumm · 31/10/2021 15:02

@AnneLovesGilbert

How humiliating. I’d be incredibly hurt and angry. Either you’re a team or you’re not.

How did these people even know? Did she tell them? Did he? Was it that obvious people could see it for themselves?

I’d be wondering what else he hadn’t told me under the guise of trying to protect me.

He’s your husband, not your father.

I agree 100%. You're a team. Sorry OP.

TrussOnABus · 31/10/2021 15:04

Ouch. I wouldn't be happy about this OP. I'm a firm believer of two things:

omission of truth is sometimes as bad as a lie
if you've nothing to hide then there's no reason to hide something

I don't understand why he wouldn't tell you if he was genuinely blameless. I'd ask to see the texts.

Also by not stopping it properly he has essentially enabled her behaviour, not ok.

ParmigianoReggiano · 31/10/2021 15:06

It sounds like it was completely a one-way street (judging by your colleagues' comments as well as what DH had said), which is the key thing here. Maybe he should have told you, I think you could argue both ways about that, but the important thing to hold onto here is that your DH hasn't done anything wrong. Don't let this cause problems between you.

Pugmumm · 31/10/2021 15:10

OP can you possibly find out more from the colleagues?

HelloDulling · 31/10/2021 15:11

Well, he hasn’t lied, has he? It sounds like a non-issue to me, but only you know how he reacted.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2021 15:13

How has your husband lied? He didn't tell you, but he didn't lie. Don't make this situation into more than it is.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 31/10/2021 15:19

@Pugmumm

No YANBU. I would be more worried your DH didn't tell you, to just clear the air. What was he hiding? A drunken kiss?

Posts like this are really bloody dangerous. Speculative dramatic gossip type of shite, which just stoke and provoke any unease. I'm with @HelloDulling on this one

Midlifemusings · 31/10/2021 15:20

You say you are insecure

How would you have reacted if your DH had told you about this women and her attempts to come on to him. Would you have trusted him and supported him in rebuffing this unwanted behaviour or would you have been insecure about it?

Was he right in his reasons / rationalizing for not telling you based on knowing you and how you have reacted or responded in the past?

VeganCheesePlease · 31/10/2021 15:26

I can honestly say if I was getting flirty texts from a co worker I'd delete them too and not tell my husband because I know he would confront him and it would be a massive issue.
I don't think it's fair those saying that he's clearly lying about other things. But I genuinely and honestly know why you're upset. I think I'd likely be too, but I think I can see your husbands reasons. If he's a good man and you trust him, I'd let it go.

Lavender24 · 31/10/2021 15:27

I agree with PPs who said it sounds like a one way street. Although he really should have told you, a lot of men just want a quiet life and I can understand him not wanting to cause awkwardness in the workplace. I also don't think it was weird him deleting unsolicited messages. I've done it myself.

WonderfulYou · 31/10/2021 15:28

I don't think your husband should have kept it from you but I can see why he did.

I agree with this.

If he had told you about it at the time what would you have done? Just forgot about it or dwell on it and wonder if he’s going do anything about it?

It sounds like it was completely one sided. As females we get men coming onto us almost every day but it’s not something we’d tell our partners about unless they needed to know. I would say it was a similar situation here so he didn’t think it was worth saying anything as it genuinely was nothing.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 31/10/2021 15:31

He didn’t lie to you, he just kept it from you due to working together and not wishing to create an unhealthy working environment.

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