Page 3 | Has DH lied, or should I let this go?

FangsForTheMemory · 31/10/2021 16:25

What @Crinkle77 said. How inappropriate to mention it to you at all!

uneffingbelievable · 31/10/2021 16:26

"I am really thrown by this as this is a colleague who used to text him sometimes about work stuff, I have seen texts between them in the past. I did know she was very friendly with him and guess thinking back now I could have seen she may have a crush on him, but certainly had no idea about the extent these people are suggesting or that there were unsolicited messages."

So he has not kept it from you.

OP - not sure what you want - he has told you, you did not realise the extent.

The colleague who told was shit stirring and you are getting wound up over something he had told you about, you had seen the text messages, he has deleted them and now you do not trust him.

Either there is something else you are not saying or you are being over dramatic.

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 16:28

Put it behind you. Your dh has told you now and it was obviously a bit of a joke amongst his team so nothing to be concerned about. It sounds like a couple of inappropriate texts from her rather than a systematic prolonged case of sexual harrassment.

I've had flirty comments from men at work or come ons and haven't told dh. There was no point making it more of an issue than it was.

That's not hiding something, it's avoiding unnecessary drama over an issue that's been dealt with.

Bluntness100 · 31/10/2021 16:31

How did the others know? That sounds odd.

DGFB · 31/10/2021 16:33

Your dh has done nothing wrong. If somebody was coming on to me at work, I’d also delete the texts and ignore it! I certainly wouldn’t tell my husband.. why would I want to upset him?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/10/2021 16:41

@diddl

Can't imagine not telling my OH if a work colleague was sexually harassing me!

I didn't.

In previous relationships, this would have resulted in a super macho 'I'm coming in and I'm going to sort him out' response, followed by a 'You led him on, you're just trying to get out of having an affair, you whore' when I was understandably reluctant to lose my job due to my arsehole partner attacking a colleague - especially when I would already be worried about keeping my job because the creeps are always in a position of authority/have been there longer than their targets.

With DP, although that certainly wouldn't have been his response, I couldn't tell him just how bad it was when it did happen - because he'd have been upset that it was happening when he was too ill to work and I couldn't just walk out, deck the bastard or even make an official complaint, as management were completely toxic, sexist and it would have undoubtedly ended my employment.

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2021 16:42

@sentimentalsteph

I work at the same place as DH. We were out on Friday night for a work social and I was chatting to some colleagues who I don't know that well. The conversation got onto an ex colleague of ours who left a little while ago. One of the women commented to me "I bet you're glad she's left!". I questioned why this would be, and the women looked awkward, and then said, because of how she was with DH. They then went on to tell me that they thought it was common knowledge that she really fancied him, and that she used to be quite inappropriate with him including sending texts coming onto him. I had no idea about this.

I asked DH and he admitted that it was all true, but he didn't tell me because he knew how upset and angry I would be, he thought it would make it awkward at work for me and her, and there was never anything in it for him so what would be the point of upsetting me.

I feel really mortified that lots of people at our work knew about this and I didn't. AIBU?

The thing is, op, what would you have done if he had shown you the texts ?

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2021 16:44

@NeverDropYourMooncup

It seems sometimes other people don't always consider the full angles of the situation before saying x,y,z, ect on here.

saraclara · 31/10/2021 16:49

@DGFB

Your dh has done nothing wrong. If somebody was coming on to me at work, I’d also delete the texts and ignore it! I certainly wouldn’t tell my husband.. why would I want to upset him?

Same here. It would be giving the other person the power to affect my relationship. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Also that woman who told you is a total shit stirrer. Don't give her the power, either.

spotcheck · 31/10/2021 16:50

This seems like a great opportunity to discuss things with your husband. Like, that in the future you would like the heads up.

Perhaps time to work on yourself too though.

DecadentlyDecisive · 31/10/2021 16:51

@diddl

Can't imagine not telling my OH if a work colleague was sexually harassing me!

Men don't look at it as "sexual harassment", often it's "one of those things" and as long as nothing comes of it, why wreck someone else's career??

DecadentlyDecisive · 31/10/2021 16:53

[quote Hawkins001]@NeverDropYourMooncup

It seems sometimes other people don't always consider the full angles of the situation before saying x,y,z, ect on here.[/quote]
That should be the new Mumsnet strapline!!!

UltimateBugKilla · 31/10/2021 16:54

Its odd that the colleagues knew about it, but also maybe a good thing, it wasn't a secret around the office.

My DH has been a bit light on details about things when we worked together before, I have zero problem confronting someone being inappropriate with my husband though, so I also understand why, we worked in a close department and it would have been awkward.

Id expect more details now you know though, otherwise it will make you start to doubt things.

HalzTangz · 31/10/2021 16:55

Unless the colleagues said he was chasing after her also then I'd be inclined to believe your husband

UltimateBugKilla · 31/10/2021 16:56

On the other hand, I've also previously been subject of the gossip, when the pair of us just had a very good work relationship, people can be assholes if they think they can stir something up.

MrsKeats · 31/10/2021 16:57

How did the colleagues know about the texts? That's the odd bit for me.
And why did they mention it?

HeartsAndClubs · 31/10/2021 16:57

If you posted here that your DH had told you a colleague was sending him texts telling him how much she wanted him the consensus would be that he is obviously shagging her and thought he would tell you before someone else does.

If someone was texting me I would ignore them and wouldn’t feel the need to tell my DP because I wasn’t intending to act on them.

TractorAndHeadphones · 31/10/2021 17:34

How did THEY know???

CaptSkippy · 31/10/2021 17:41

I think your husband should not have kept this from you, but it's tooo little to go on to say if he was reciprocating.

You should ask him if he thinks you should tell him if a coworker were to send messages like that to you. Also ask him why he thinks you should or should not tell him.

mccalenterprise · 31/10/2021 17:45

You are not being unreasonable.

Imagine if the tables were turned and it had been you who had had the unwanted attention. People in the workplace would have been gossiping behind your partner's back, some sniggering at him being a clueless fool, others calling him cuckhold behind his back. Because that's what some men in the workplace do in that situation. Others would have felt sorry for him and some would have pitied him.

He's placed you in a horrible situation which could have been avoided had he told you from that very first flirt she did towards him.

mccalenterprise · 31/10/2021 17:47

@TractorAndHeadphones

How did THEY know???

'The wife/husband/partner is always the last to know' is usually fairly accurate in my experience.

BetsyBigNose · 31/10/2021 18:01

I have had an insecure partner before - it was many years ago, but I found I spent hours reassuring him that it was him I fancied, not the guy who'd smiled at me on the checkout/served me at the bar/walked past me in the street. It was exhausting.

I can totally understand why your DH chose not to tell you about this woman. It sounds as if you would have made it into a huge drama, would have decided you can't trust him, checking his phone, where he was going, who he was with etc. It's possible this would have ended with you causing a stand up row with the woman in the middle of your workplace. Hugely embarrassing for all concerned. I can see why your DH would have wanted to avoid that! Can't you?

These days, I have a DH who is very secure in himself and in our relationship. If this happened to me (or him), we would show the other the texts right from the off and would probably have a good laugh about it!

Perhaps, once you've moved on from this particular drama, it's time to start looking at ways to help you to feel more secure in yourself and in your relationship - I'm sure it would make a real, positive difference to your life. It can't be any fun always feeling this way.

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 18:19

I agree with Betsy

It would have been disastrous to inform an insecure or jealous partner of an office crush and would cause unnecessary anxiety, a desire to get involved; when the dh felt capable of dealing with it himself, and possibly pressure to make official complaints, or to leave the job.

I don't tell my husband everything that happens at work and he trusts me enough to not want to know every detail.

billy1966 · 31/10/2021 18:21

I agree the colleagues are absolute twats.

I would be very pissed off as last to know.

Whatever about not wanting to upset you, he definitely could have given you a heads up now that she has left.

For it to be so widely known is really weird.

If it had been a man behaving like this HR should be involved.

I would be very interested to know how long this went on for.

I think a wider conversation about honesty is a good idea, as is looking at managing your anxiety.

Malibuismysecrethome · 31/10/2021 18:59

Right, here goes. I think if you had had anything to worry about these women wouldn’t have said a word. I think they are only telling you now to see your reaction and get a rise. They would never have told you if you had anything to be concerned about.