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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Has DH lied, or should I let this go?

100 replies

sentimentalsteph · 31/10/2021 14:36

I work at the same place as DH. We were out on Friday night for a work social and I was chatting to some colleagues who I don't know that well. The conversation got onto an ex colleague of ours who left a little while ago. One of the women commented to me "I bet you're glad she's left!". I questioned why this would be, and the women looked awkward, and then said, because of how she was with DH. They then went on to tell me that they thought it was common knowledge that she really fancied him, and that she used to be quite inappropriate with him including sending texts coming onto him. I had no idea about this.

I asked DH and he admitted that it was all true, but he didn't tell me because he knew how upset and angry I would be, he thought it would make it awkward at work for me and her, and there was never anything in it for him so what would be the point of upsetting me.

I feel really mortified that lots of people at our work knew about this and I didn't. AIBU?

OP posts:

Vulpius · 31/10/2021 15:33

Unpopular opinion on here, but I don't believe that there are no secrets in marriage. Which is not the same as saying that married people should do whatever they like. Sometimes, though, there's no reason to rock the boat if you haven't done anything wrong and you know the other person will over-react. I for one would suppress anything that would cause drama because I just couldn't be bothered with the drama. Especially if I were blameless.

I also wonder at those who say the OP should demand to see the texts. I've had flirtatious texts from men in the past, despite not being single. I just ignored and deleted them. Why would anyone keep an unsolicited flirtatious message? It's mad to think that deleted messages mean guilt. I delete anything that I don't want to keep for a specific reason.

OP, if your marriage is otherwise ok, I'd let it all go.

AnyFucker · 31/10/2021 15:37

I would be furious at being the last to know

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/10/2021 15:38

I think l would want to know how the existence of these text messages became common knowledge. It's easy for someone to spot flirty behaviour but how did these women know about the texts?

I feel awful for your dh. What an awful position to be in. If a man was doing this to a woman it would be viewed as harassment. He probably didn't know how to deal so brushed it under the carpet. Maybe don't make him feel any worse than he probably already does?

PegasusReturns · 31/10/2021 15:38

I would be furious. It’s dishonest.

Unless he has women coming onto him with such regulatory that it doesn’t even register, this is the sort of things that partners share.

You worked with the woman. By not telling you he created a scenario where he shared an experience with a coworker that you were not part of. How humiliating to be kept in the dark like that.

TheFoundations · 31/10/2021 15:42

Saying that you trust him but that you are insecure is an oxymoron. Trust doesn't have a 'but'.

If you trusted him, you wouldn't be posting here. If you trusted him, you wouldn't feel insecure. That's what trusting someone means: feeling safe and secure around them.

Pugmumm · 31/10/2021 15:45

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit Well.
I speak from experience. I've seen it happen and could be a case of under sharing from OP's DH. That's all I meant.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 31/10/2021 15:47

@Pugmumm genuinely sorry you have been through that.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 31/10/2021 15:49

Posted too soon.
Sometimes these threads invite too much drama provoking posts like it's an episode of EastEnders.
But I get where you were coming from.

Pugmumm · 31/10/2021 15:51

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit don't be sorry I didn't mean to come across difficult in my post for OP. I have my walls and alerts up so it probably could have come across as toxic for op, not everyone is like that. I don't like being taken by surprise

rwalker · 31/10/2021 15:54

I'm with DH in all honesty if he would of told I doubt you would of just said ok and moved on .
Why tell you when he know you would of given him shit for it .

SpaceshiptoMars · 31/10/2021 15:56

OP, it's just one humiliating moment. However - if DH had said something at the time, and you'd challenged her at work, that could have been 3 jobs in jeopardy. A big hug for you, but relative risks suggest DH dodged a bullet for you both there.

Tell DH how humiliated you felt. Let him make it up to you. Then let it go.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 15:57

I'd be angry that I didn't know but more because of the humiliation of everyone knowing except me.

I completely understand why he didn't tell you. What could he have done? Presumably they needed contact for work so he couldn't block her. You'd have been insecure if he'd told you so you'd either have embarrassed yourself confronting her or made his life difficult stressing over it.

I don't think he really did anything wrong but perhaps just ask that he always tells you about anything like this in future so you're not the last to know.

saleorbouy · 31/10/2021 15:59

You're inherently insecure so he protected you from unsolicited harrassment from a colleague.
You have now found out and are upset with him for protecting you and your relationship?
Is there any way that he could have done the right thing? Either way he would've been wrong I guess....

Iamanicepersonreally · 31/10/2021 16:01

Let it go. He was doing what he thought was right and trying not to upset you

cuttlefishgame · 31/10/2021 16:02

You get some right shit stirrers at some workplaces. Are you even sure that you can trust what this woman told you?

DecadentlyDecisive · 31/10/2021 16:04

@Vulpius

OP, if your marriage is otherwise ok, I'd let it all go.

I agree. I've had people say /send things to me that there's no way I'd tell my O/H because it'd make them thing there was something going on & I'd encouraged it.

And you can see that "where there's smoke" attitude from a lot of MN posters.

If they don't need to know, they don't - sorry MN!!

Frazzled2207 · 31/10/2021 16:06

I don't think your husband should have kept it from you but I can see why he did.

I think this too. But the worst thing is the humiliation of being the only person that didn't know. Although I understand why he didn't tell you if it really was a case of everyone else knowing you would have thought he would.

It's not great but I don't think it's terrible either. If husband comes clean and is apologetic and you trust him completely, then I think I'd try and move on.

Crinkle77 · 31/10/2021 16:07

The work colleagues sound like twats. I feel a bit sorry for your husband. He probably didn't tell you as he by your own admission you're insecure and also it could have caused trouble at work seeing as you both work in the same department.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 31/10/2021 16:09

Also agree that it was twattish of work colleagues.

Roselilly36 · 31/10/2021 16:10

I can understand why he didn’t want to upset you by telling you, it doesn’t mean he has done anything wrong, I think you are right to trust him.

Tightwad2020 · 31/10/2021 16:11

Sounds like a one-way street, he was embarrassed, chose not to say anything and hope it all blew over. I think the woman who gossiped, rather spitefully, to you at the works do is the most inappropriate person in the room. It's the kind of thing that throws you at the time, and then afterwards, you wish you could have replied, "Do you enjoy gossip generally? do you like making people uncomfortable? Have you never thought that 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all' might have some value?'

Ourlady · 31/10/2021 16:19

I would believe him. He knows you are a bit insecure and knows that telling you would send your mind into overdrive so chose to deal with it without involving you.

SmallWaistFatFace · 31/10/2021 16:20

I actually think he was right not to tell you. You both work together so it would have been awkward if you knew, you might have then been distracted from your role. It sounds like he is embarrassed of what happened and I'm sure if there was anything more to it from your husbands part then these women wouldn't have mentioned it as they would have known you would kick off.

Non-issue and you said yourself that youre insecure.

diddl · 31/10/2021 16:21

Can't imagine not telling my OH if a work colleague was sexually harassing me!

Cronezone · 31/10/2021 16:22

It's definitely a shitty thing to do to keep it from you

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