Has DH lied, or should I let this go?

[sentimentalsteph]

I work at the same place as DH. We were out on Friday night for a work social and I was chatting to some colleagues who I don't know that well. The conversation got onto an ex colleague of ours who left a little while ago. One of the women commented to me "I bet you're glad she's left!". I questioned why this would be, and the women looked awkward, and then said, because of how she was with DH. They then went on to tell me that they thought it was common knowledge that she really fancied him, and that she used to be quite inappropriate with him including sending texts coming onto him. I had no idea about this.

I asked DH and he admitted that it was all true, but he didn't tell me because he knew how upset and angry I would be, he thought it would make it awkward at work for me and her, and there was never anything in it for him so what would be the point of upsetting me.

I feel really mortified that lots of people at our work knew about this and I didn't. AIBU?

This is snit. I'm so sorry. He should have told you. You work in the same place. How were you not going to find out? He needs to talk to you now in any event because not telling you has caused so much upset. It's humiliating.

When only he was aware of her crush, it was reasonable not to mention it to you, to avoid needless drama and upset.

Once other people at work sterted gossiping about it, he had a duty to tellyou and it was disrespectful not to.

BUT go easy on him, I suspect he was embarrassed and uncomfortable about being sexually harassed at work and just wanted to forget the whole thing asap.

if you've nothing to hide then there's no reason to hide something

Except maybe if your wife is insecure, and there genuinely was nothing happening and you dealt with it by simply ignoring it.

The colleagues are just making it salacious gossip.

Feeling insecure is problematic for relationships. But your partner has a role in helping you there. I think a reasonable calm discussion is needed but don't let him blindside your. He could have put a stop to this very easily.

There was no acceptable course of action for the poor guy here, was there?

Except maybe if your wife is insecure, and there genuinely was nothing happening and you dealt with it by simply ignoring it.

This. I actually feel sorry for him. I wouldn't tell dh as I know he'd react. I'm able to handle my own problems at work and would choose to do so. Your insecurity does not trump how he chooses to deal with things.

I wouldn't tell dh as I know he'd react.

I’m not sure if I’d tell DH or not as even though he probably wouldn’t react at all and knows he has no reason not to trust me, it would somehow just be there and he’s probably ask about it from time to time and I would want to just forget it.

Thanks for all the messages.

A few people are asking what I would have done if I'd known. And the honest answer is I am not sure. I feel like (now) that I would have just liked to have known DH was getting this attention from her, rather than being what now feels like the naive wife who was absolutely none the wiser while this woman and my DH continued to work closely together and exchange work texts, while she had been coming onto him. I feel like it would have given her a certain feeling of power knowing that I had no idea she was coming on to my husband and she was "getting away with it". He also continued to be perfectly friendly to her during this time I am sure, from the small interactions and text messages I did see. Which really irks me now I know she was flirting with him.

But no, I don't know what I'd have done. I imagine I may have said something to her, quietly. I am not a confrontational person! I also probably would have asked DH to keep his distance from her if possible.

I can see all the responses saying he was right not to tell me, and I can see how he was trying to protect me in a way as I know how I feel now! But I also feel that as we are a team, as other people have alluded, I should have been in the know about what was happening :(

Also, the comments about him not being able to do right. Well, maybe. But I do think if he had told me then at least we could have faced this together... but you're right I would have still been upset.

In terms of how the colleagues knew, they said at first it was "common knowledge". I got the impression the woman herself didn't keep quiet about fancying him etc. I am not actually sure how these texts were known about widely.

I agree that you not knowing gave this woman power. You had a right to know she was messaging your husband even if you chose to take no action.

This woman has clearly discussed her intentions/behaviour with colleagues which is why they know about the text messages.

One of my stbxh's ow was a colleague who befriended me. I threw up on discovery as I recall her over friendliness and her bombarding me with questions. My stbxh sat back and watched her 'pretend' to be my friend and said nothing. Too busy trying not to get caught and appease her so as she would not say anything. She must have loved the fact that I did not know and that she was dangling him on a string. I do not think I will ever recover from this. I no longer trust anyone.

To be honest, if there was anything stupid going on like this with someone at work, I'd want to ignore it completely. The last thing I'd want is it impinging on my home life and my relationship.

I'm a compartmentaliser at the best of times. Work and home separated as much as possible. I'd have done exactly what your DH did. For a quiet life.

This colleague disregarded your marriage and brazenly pursued your H. I would have expected him to actively shut her down, keep a professional distance, and inform you. Whatever his intention, in taking no action, and in fact investing his same level of friendly interaction, he marginalized you and created a space for her to feel superior and emboldened.

They initially shared the secret of the messages, which eventually became gossip fodder and culminated in your being publicly mortified. This is all down to your H’s lack of transparency, and I would be livid to have been put in this position.

I would address his failure to set a strong boundary with her and dial back all the ‘perfectly friendly’ contact. To me, this suggests that on some level he enjoyed her fancying him.

So take the power away from her by rising above it. Don't let it bother you. You and DH are strong.

A girl I knew and introduced to my husband that I knew from a close friend of mine came on to my husband. We had heard about her from my close friend and she was very much interested in helping my husband in a work project. She would also be paid for it. She was very keen on the phone and very optimistic and so we were looking forward to meeting her. Roll on the day of the job. Nice looking girl but clearly very much loved herself. Brought her to my home before herself, my dh, me, my close friend and her dh, the camera crew and a few other people involved in the project went to the location to film. After a couple of hours, I left as I was with my two children and they were bored. I went home which was just round the corner and then my dh called to say they were packing up and moving to the second location in London. I said no problem. I knew that anyway and wished him good luck as this was very important to him and would further our family run business and career. My dh came home and told me that the girl we had arranged to be part of the project, came onto him, told him she was horny I kid you not, told him he is so handsome. And what is he doing with A girl like me. She also told him that I am not even nice looking or beautiful and that my pictures on Facebook are all glamorous but in real life I am not. And she is surprised that when they were alone at the end of the evening, why didn't he try it on with her. My husband was like seriously, I have a wife. He was totally innocent in this scenario and told me as sion as he got home. I was literally furious with her but I didn't ring her or have a go at her. I just left it and thought to myself she's not even worth it. I had her in the house that morning toowhile everyone else was getting ready and reading contracts and having tea and I was offering food as well and let her hold our new baby and be round our 7 year old son. And this woman had the audacity to try it on with my husband, and then tell him he doesn't even have a nice looking wife.

It was good of my dh to tell me straight away. The point am making is your hubsnad should have done it straight away also. I am very honest with my dh. And he is with me. Something like his work colleague sending him vulgar texts is not something you keep from your wife.

Makemine
You have a decent, faithful husband who shut down the advances of this awful woman. He told you immediately which I commend him for. This is 'team work'. It is always the responsibility of the spouse to shut down any ill attentions from others from the onset. If you cannot trust them to do so, they threaten to weaken your union.

Unfortunately my stbxh was too weak and selfish to shut down the advances of work colleagues. He enjoyed the flattery and attention and conveniently forgot the promises we made to one another. He was able to compartmentalise his unfaithfulness to us at work and separate it from his role as husband and father at home. Knowing your spouse has entertained other women and been intimate with them is utterly soul destroying and humiliating. Even moreso when you are known to the ow. It automatically gives her power and a confidence that she has wedged herself between you and spouse while you are none the wiser.

@MakeMineAdoubleChocolate I don't know that your husbands all that great if he really repeated all of this And what is he doing with A girl like me. She also told him that I am not even nice looking or beautiful and that my pictures on Facebook are all glamorous but in real life I am not. And she is surprised that when they were alone at the end of the evening, why didn't he try it on with her.

There was absolutely no reason to tell you all the horrible things she said unless he was trying to tell you you're sooo lucky he's faithful when other people see you in this way.

I'd also question why he didn't immediately say her services were no longer required, or why he allowed himself to be alone with her.

OP's husband kept this from her to protect her, but he never put himself in a situation like you've described.

Your dh obviously liked the attention or he would have shut convos out with her. And he would have stopped texting with her...

So no wonder he didn't tell you.

Youre supposed to be a team. And you dont have to tell each other everytime someone flirts with you. But a person flirting so severely and for so long that even all his colleagues know about this.. no wonder you felt embarrassed.

He is a jerk. A jerk that loved all the attention. And probably still does?
And he says he does it to " protect you".

Yeah... right..

Id state exactly how you feel to DH and see what he plans to do to make you feel better.

By not telling you you have been embarrassed in front of colleagues which is unacceptable. It makes you look like youd have a massive overreaction which is horroble for colleagues to perceive. It may have been innocent but have a close look at the relationship generally- my ex used to create scenarios to lay breadcrumbs to undermine me and make me look like hard work. Realbecca wouldn't like it if i did this...

Its not his job to manage your reactions, he chose to do that to benefit himself because he didnt want to make things awkward for himself at work.

Your colleagues reaction is everything you need to know that most people would expect their spouse to be honest.

There was absolutely no reason to tell you all the horrible things she said unless he was trying to tell you you're sooo lucky he's faithful when other people see you in this way.

I'd also question why he didn't immediately say her services were no longer required, or why he allowed himself to be alone with her.

I agree. It seems unnecessarily cruel to repeat those words to someone. I’d be extremely suspicious of someone relaying all this to me, especially the little nugget about being alone. Sounds a bit like someone setting up their side of the story in case something gets out.

I agree, I think it suited his ego to keep the OP in the dark even if he hadn't any plans on her up on the offer.

And as for the husband repeating all the awful things this woman said about his wife, in such detail and her compliments to him....what a prince🙄.

I would be very suspicious of anyone who felt the need to repeat such nastiness as a favour🙄

Your DH hasn't lied to you. He didn't tell you about it, but if he nipped up the shop for a cheeky Mars Bar and didn't tell you about that then you wouldn't accuse him of lying would you?

It doesn't sound like he's actually done anything wrong here. It's not his fault that someone else fancies him, it doesn't sound like he's encouraged it, he's ignored it at every opportunity. No, he's not told you about it, but I don't blame him. You've said you're very insecure and as a result, it could have led to a very difficult situation in the workplace.

I'd happily tell my DP about something like this, as I know the extent of her reaction would be to laugh in private at the silly idiot throwing herself at a taken man, and then be professional in public.

However, if I was married to my brothers wife, there's no way I'd let her know, because it would become a huge thing every time I had to talk to this colleague in the future.

She was packing up things at the end of the shoot and offered to help. He also kindly offered her a lift home with one of the other people who came to be an extra and their partner. They said its fine they have already made arrangements to go for dinner in London and get the train home. Which was when she said the things she said. She then was then calling me to ask if she could have the footage of her emailed to her. She was also asking for more money and getting quite cheeky on the phone. I told my husband of what she said to me on the phone and he said she is not getting another penny when you know the kind of woman she is. It's like someone telling me my husband is ugly and making a move on me, I would tell him. Not to upset him as he is far from ugly. He gets women trying to chat him up all the time, even when we are out women stare at him even though he is pushing a buggy and walking along with me and our brood. Some women just don't care. Just like this girl. The worst part is, she has a boyfriend, and been with him for years.

Also my husbands told her what he thought about what she said. He didn't let her go Scott free hence why she was then ringing me to ask me for money and he was ignoring her messages.even calling him her baby and her honey in the beginning of the emails . She then tried to message me as she clearly wasn't getting a response from him. She told me that she needed to talk to me about the work because your husband is ignoring me. I am glad he told me what kind of twat she was. So for those saying who repeats those things, I am glad he was upfront. He tells me i am beautiful everyday so I wasn't even fazed about it. Just annoyed with her. Haven't seen. Her in years, thank God.

He also continued to be perfectly friendly to her during this time I am sure, from the small interactions and text messages I did see.

He had to work with her - awkward but he sounds like he behaved responsibly, professionally and tried to protect his insecure partner.

OP - you have known all long - am not sure why you think he has been deceitful. Please stop saying you did not know - you knew there were messages.

I don't think the colleagues who told you did anything wrong, they obviously assumed you were aware.

Your DP should have told you regardless even if it upset you as of course.. someone at work would have eventually brought it up in conversation.

Even if he was complete innocent in regards to this other colleague's advances, I would be really let down and angry that he didn't tell me when many others knew. At least you wouldn't have be thrown off guard and embarrassed when this happened. I would be more embarrassed that I did not know and that it was now obvious to the other colleagues that he had kept it from me. Not a lie but definitely wrong not to tell you considering you both work there so not much better than an actual lie in my opinion.

OP knew that she messaged her H about work matters, but there were other texts which she didn’t see in which the woman came onto him.